Am I a big red flag?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

He sounds cold hearted you do deserve and will get someone far far better, Move on

Well some of it didn't apply, and none of it was screamingly loud, but the tendencies are certainly there.

Anyone know any decent single men?!!!!

He is a ginormous, walking, talking red flag. Get rid ASAP if you value your life.

He tells you things about yourself (you have strong opinions and won't be pushed around?) -- this will change to insulting you using the same authorative tone. It also sounds like some sort of 'note to self' that he can consult later and adjust his approach accordingly.

He takes great care of his mother who lives in his house -- he is tied to the apron strings and Mother is the only woman in his life. See previous short relationships contrasted with his alleged desire to have a family. A stunted man, guarded, mother-dominated, frightened of women taking things from him/ being gold diggers/ wasters (no doubt the seed of that idea planted by Mother) socially inept...

None of his relationships have lasted more than a year. (See Mother comment). The women have had issues... yeah right.

He is complaining about things you have done in the last and cannot change now no matter how much you regret them and no matter how little interest you have in doing the same things again (drugs). You can't win here. Boundaries and the beginning of putting you on your back foot.

7 weeks in and he is talking about a mortgage, kids, the L word. Whoa Nellie.

He assumes he has a right to know and comment on your life up to now -- and you have already accepted his right to do this. Boundaries..

He has moved very fast to encroaching on your physical/sexual boundaries with last weekend's incident (showing you to a stranger while you were in his bed). If I were being shown around a house and there was a woman in a double bed I would run a mile, immediately. I would absolutely recoil from dealing with this man as a potential home buyer or renter or guest. You are the one who was in the bed, and this is what you should do too. Bet he wouldn't do this to his Mother.

Money isn't the issue here. Boundaries are. And control, control control. He would start with taking over your financial autonomy such as it is and then work up to making you into Mother.

There is no fun any more. You are the recipient of a huge favour because this man is so unsubtle in his approach.

You said 'he doesn't think I'm fat' and that made me so sad for you. Do you think of yourself as fat and if so do you see this as a liability? Are you grateful that someone at least doesn't think you're fat???

Just show him math's post.

Yep. Norman Bates. Enough said.

Great post Math.

Wow math - thanks. You are so right in that he will take over my autonomy (I think both financial and other). I can already feel it happening a little bit.

He's not really a Mummy's boy though I don't think (although I've never met one so don't really know what they are like) - whilst he is really patient with his mother he has made it clear that he thinks quite lowly of her too. She has "undiagnosed learning difficulties" (may or may not be true), eats too much ("fat arse" has been mentioned), her family is messed up, and she was manipulative with his Dad who worked himself into an early grave to support her.

I do feel a little bit like he's doing me a favour by seeing me. He's even said how much he likes me but is not committing to a relationship yet because he's still deciding (obviously based on these faults of mine). So of course I start wanting to "be good enough".

It's weird. I find myself trying to persuade him that I am a good person, because he doesn't seem to notice the things about me that I like. He says he wants a successful, driven woman and yet ignores the fact that I'm doing my masters dissertation at the moment (he's not been to uni but that doesn't bother me) whilst working fulltime as a head of department. He will simply make a comment like "I like the fact that you have a good job" - again, patronising and seems to miss the point about me. He also doesn't seem to notice that I value kindness, and show him and others kindness. And whilst he says he is attracted to my "bubbly personality" - I feel the need to tone it down a little, but I can't explain why.

He takes me mountain biking, which I hate. He then tells me that I "do really well up the mountains" - he also scoffed at me for saying I'd like to do a triathlon one day (I did run the London Marathon this year but he has not picked up on that at all except to say that people wouldn't look at me and think "marathon runner") - and he said "You'd have to have a body like that" and pointed to a thin, toned woman.

Yes the weight thing is an issue. I'm about 8 pounds over my healthy weight range at the moment and I feel every one of them.

I started this thread wondering if I was the one people would run to avoid due to my circumstances, and if he had a point. I wasn't really aware that he was being controlling, although I was wondering.

Gosh, the more I write, the more I wonder what I've seen in him. I know I'm focusing on the negative side of him but these issues is only likely to become more of a problem over time. I guess I've been waiting for the golddigger situ to blow over so I can see what he's really like. But maybe this IS what he's really like.

I think the more you write, the better. It's helping you understand what sort of character he is. Sometimes all it takes is to write something down, walk away and re-read later to see the signs.

I'd be off, well off and not look back. It's great you have the strength to walk away, many don't and he could easily have destroyed some of that confidence in you. He sounds like a tool, throw him back and hope no-one else catches him or if they do, they have self value and confidence to lob him back again.

So he doesn't even treat his mother with respect? He looks down his nose at his mother and one of the reasons is undiagnosed learning difficulties? Nice.

Run, run like the wind... Really, why would you want to be with a man like this?

It is the real him, believe it. He's carrying around a mental woman-ruler for measuring you up to, along with all the other failed candidates, past and future. Let him hold it up to some paragon of all virtue and solvency and leave you, a normal human being with good and not so good qualities, to live in a way that makes you content. The more you say about yourself - and not in the least boastfully - actually the more admirable you sound. Still waiting to hear what's so fabulous about Mr Gold Dick.

He would be damned in my eyes just for saying his mother has a fat arse, but maybe I'm projecting here. (Am mother with fat arse and occasional mental hiccups, but my boys treat me with affection and respect. No way they would bad-mouth me to a girlfriend. At least I'd better not catch 'em trying!)

This man hates women. He's a controlling, inadequate, spiteful arsehole. The sooner you get away from him, the better. And while I don't mean to scare you, I think you should be prepared for him to be difficult and unpleasant. Of course, he may just tell you what a fool you are for not appreciating him enough and disappear, but he may decide to bombard you with flowers, texts, phone calls etc.
Remember that you don't need his permission to dump him, and if he won't fuck off, involve the police.

His mother is 80 and needs a zimmerframe to walk . She can eat what she likes, in my opinion.

I'm still waiting to remember what is so fabulous about Mr Gold Dick myself. I think I was thinking that he's active, quite attractive physically, intelligent, likes classical music (as do I - although I also like Dance but don't listen to it when he's around), solvent, has authority which I've probably interpreted as power, talks a lot - we can talk for hours, good in bed and can speak French.

Not such an impressive list, compared to "being an arrogant, disrespectful, cold, cynical twat who can't see the good in people but due to personal insecurities prefers to bring other down to a level they can control".

agree with Annie, the "fat arse" comments about his mother would be sufficient in my book for dumpsville. Look at how he's replicating his attitudes towards his mother to you - his mother apparently has learning difficulties, he undermines your intelligence and achievements, his mother is overweight, he obsesses about you being very slightly overweight, his mother apparently worked his dad into an early grave , so he has to watch out for you exploiting him financially. All pattern of woman hating.

He is the police!

He's not really a Mummy's boy though I don't think (although I've never met one so don't really know what they are like) - whilst he is really patient with his mother he has made it clear that he thinks quite lowly of her too. She has "undiagnosed learning difficulties" (may or may not be true), eats too much ("fat arse" has been mentioned), her family is messed up, and she was manipulative with his Dad who worked himself into an early grave to support her.

Oh my God! This man actually hates all women

Been following this thread, OP please do what you said, run away very fast.

When you dump this worthless piece of shit, please change your number. He won't take rejection well, I think.

You are head of department, ran a marathon and are doing a masters - you sound phenominal. Then you're 8lbs over your healthy weight range!?! Focus on the good bits and work on your self-esteem. He speaks French - whoopee le whoop! I admire you for caring about your weight but perspective needed here - you are worth so much more then you seem to think.

Thanks DomeDon but I'm not - I have no kids or partner (!) so have too much time on my hands. I'd rather put my energies towards being a wife and mum for a while but doesn't seem to be a choice for me at mo.

A bit of a much-needed wakeup call to hear that he is a woman-hater.

Oh my god tell him to FUCK OFF and find yourself someone who loves you for you, and doesn't care that you aren't a solvent creature of perfection with no past!!

Do yourself A HUGE favour get rid of him now he does sound like a judgemental twat, please listen to the advice we are saying this to HELP you , you dont need this crap in your life you deserve so much better, get back on the dating site plenty of sincere guys out there looking for someone who can be will accept you for who you are and not what you have or havent got.

I don't know whether "hate" is exactly the word. Sounds to me like a man who regards women as lesser beings, optional lifestyle accessories which have to be fit for purpose, rather than real human beings. He's browsing you like a suite of furniture - you've noticed this yourself - he's got his tape measure out and is regarding you with a critical eye: "this one is comfortable enough and will fit pretty well in the alcove but it doesn't quite match the curtains, I dunno..." This is not a recipe for a happy life partnership.

Beaten - all you have written reminded me strongly of the only game playing head fuck I ever dated. He was an ex-police officer.

He thinks he is better than you.

I remember having a silly argument with him over who was funniest. He was simply stunned that I saw myself as funnier than him.

It was only after he finished with me (by text) that I realised what he had done. I was naive. He too would tell me things about myself.

You are going to have a very lucky escape here. You will look back and wonder how a strong, intelliegent person can have been duped and changed by him. Yes, I know I am probably projecting.

Annie The contempt with which he has spoken about his mother, coupled with the face that he believes that she (the mother) manipulated the father to working himself to death added to his treatment of OP, says to me that he hates women. It's not something I would say lightly.

Woah. You're a department head, marathon runner, graduate, doing a masters, well travelled, plenty of friends, and you're letting some knob who lives with his mm and talks about her like dirt tell you what's what.

You sound amazing. Which is probably why he's working so hard to drag you down to his level so that he can control you. Scary how it's only taken him 7 weeks to get you questioning yourself.

Run.