Am I a big red flag?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

*mum

Oh annie that is exactly what is going on. I feel like a piece of furniture.

Yama - I'd not realised this before but he does actually think he's better than me. And he's a police officer.

I'd be running for the hills. He sounds awful.

Oh my word. What a controlling, nasty piece of work. He doesn't sound as though he likes you, let alone loves you.

He is choosing to be with you, which means he finds you attractive and recognises your many good qualities, but rather than tell you this, he is belittling you to make you question those things yourself. This is extremely bad news. Someone who cares for you will be on your side and build up your self-esteem not knock it down.

My DP of 9 months still looks at me in amazement nearly every day and says 'wow - you're so intelligent' or 'you're the kindest person I've ever met' This, of course, isn't true. I am very average in every way and have certainly never run a marathon or held down an impressive job while doing a masters, but that's not what he sees when he looks at me and he wants me to feel good about myself regardless. That is what a partner should do for you. Get rid. You are worth so much more than this.

Beaten - the similarities are striking. Some of the details are different otherwise I'd wonder if it was the same guy.

Run. Run like the fucking wind.

Yama - you mean there are two?

Got to go. Thanks everyone, be back later

Look, this man is really dangerous. He has picked up on the fact that you are a little bit insecure (no more than most people, really) and has used that little crack in your self esteem to burrow in and start doing damage. He sees you as a challenge and he intends to 'beat' you ie completely subjugate you. And given the chance, a man like this will progress to physical violence.

Agree that he sees you as a challenge and that he wants to win by destroying your self confidence. This is the only way he can be 'better than you'. Confusing, isn't it?

I wish I'd known about MN when I started dating my ExH......

Don't run OP, pointedly turn your back on him and stride away confidently

beaten, you answered your own question when you said that you think he isn't going to be a very nice person in the long term. If you feel like this after only knowing this man for 7 weeks, why waste any more time on him?

I'd rather be on my own than be with someone who can't accept me and like me for who I am. Dating is meant to be fun and it this doesn't sound it!

Nowhere in any of this does he seem to have considered you and your feelings - from what you've said he seems to think that he is such a great catch that it hasn't crossed his mind that you wouldn't want to be with him...

When you were saying about being overweight and him saying marathon runners were thin, I was expecting you to say that you were several stone overweight, not a mere 8 pounds! If you've run a marathon then chances are that's muscle rather than fat. I put onmore than that each month with pmt. If he can make you think you are fat from that then he is already really screwing your self image - imagine how much worse you will feel in a few weeks let alone a few years.

Then there's the mountain biking which you say you hate but still do despite him being patronising and belittling your choices of activity. Dh teases me because I am bad at running - but in a loving way as I am useless at running it's true (can't run to the end of the drive!) as I tease him about not being so good at swimming and it's all very good natured. But you've run a whole marathon which is a fantastic thing to achieve (I'd be happy to get across the park) which he dismisses. Bet he hasn't ever run one.

What would happen if you were to start mirroring back his behaviours? So next time he says we're going mountain biking say no we went last week, this week it's my turn to choose and we're doing a nice long run - and then make some scathing comments about his performance at the end of it? Or if he starts talking about money, ask him when he's going to get a pay rise so he earns as much as you. (think you said you earnt more than he did). Or criticise things from his past that he can't change any mote than you can change your past. Or start teasing him on public or cutting him off because his talk is boring you...

I suggest you try doing all these things because I would guess that this reaction would be to be horrified that you have the effrontery to challenge him. Especially when you do it as often to him as he does to you, he doesn't see you as an equal.

I dint think he even wants an equal loving partnership as most people do, I think he just wants a surrendered wife who will be there to do his bidding at all times.

Have a week of fun challenging him and seeing quite how self centred, controlling and misogynistic he really is and then walk away after telling him precisely how he doesn't match up to your standards.

If he was my son and had worked hard for a lovely house and he met somebody who had nothing to show for their lives at the age of 40 I have to say I'd be at the very least wanting to know how he was planning to protect himself because the truth is there are women around who take men for mugs and clean them out.
Hell I know of somebody who kept the house, jointly owned and they didn't even have children because he couldn't ask her to leave her home.
I don't think you sound a good match at all, police officers tend to marry other police officers in my experience because they have the same outlook.

TBH if you are studying for a masters you are probably out of his league and he doesn't know how to handle that.

Leaving aside any red flags (and I agree there are plenty) you clearly don't have the same priorities, so I couldn't see this as a long term relationship in any event. Add the red flags on top and there's no way.

(may not have been a brilliant idea to tell a police officer you'd known for less than two months about recent Class A drug use, mind you)

And what could he realistically do about it Pirate?

I agree it is sensible to ask what is happeneing around drug use and finances when entering a relationship if the other seems to have issues there. TBH if I was in OP's situ I'd expect to answer some questions - we're all adults and have the common things cross our minds about new relationships. I would ask any potential partner about solveny/substance abuse as I don't want to go there ever again but there are ways of asking.

It's all the other stuff - the way it's said, the other comments, the pressure, the superiority.

he's not had a relationship longer than a year

He wants us to get a mortgage together so that we can share the experience of buying and decorating a house together.

He's told me that I have very strong opinions and don't get pushed around

he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

he said he really likes me and that's why he's wanting to sort these issues out.

When he was interrogating me about money (and it was just like an interrogation)

He's been single because he finds relationships stressful

he does actually think he's better than me

read you own posts and make a sensible decision

Personally I'd be dust

Are you kidding, SkelleyBones? You sound as bad as him.

Skelley - I have a son too, and would hate to think of him being taken advantage of by a gold-digger --- but I would hate it even more if my son turned into the type of person described by the OP. I have to ask, have you read most of the posts here, or did you post only as a response to the opening post? The OP doesn't have "nothing to show for her life" up to now. She has a career, is working on her Master's degree, has character and strength, as demonstrated by running a marathon - and in case you think that's nothing, running a marathon tells me everything I need to know about her. She's tough, determined, disciplined, doesn't quit at the first difficulty, has endurance, mental strength, and believes in herself. Running 42.2 km is a huge achievement. It changes you as a person. For months, you do nothing but work, run, eat and sleep. Training for a marathon takes about a dozen hours out of your life every week, for months. You have to do at least three short runs every week and one long run - for about 6 months before the actual marathon. Running the long runs, not to mention the actual Big M, hurts. You don't get a day off when it rains. If it rains on a running day, you run. Because it could rain on M Day. You run, and you start to hurt, and you run through the hurt. You learn to be tough with yourself. Yes, you whine a bit. Sometimes a lot. Sometimes you cry a bit. Sometimes a lot. But you keep going. And when you've finished, you've changed. Usually for the better, in every way, even if you choose never to run another step.

That's what the OP has to show for her life so far. If my son belittled someone like that, I would be ashamed of him as a human being.

Some great points here (including the not mentioning to a copper about the Class A use - good tip, cheers - amongst other things).

I think I'm going to use his tactics on him re his lack of longterm relationship and how he could consider setting up a life with someone he doesn't trust (who actually does that anyway?!) and see how he likes it. He will hate it. I can already hear him telling the next poor woman about how I didn't have my life together and couldn't accept that and was too stubborn for a relationship, and that's why it ended.

I have no problem answering questions about it all - but the manner in which he deals with these things is off. He even suggested he could take some of my hair and test it to see when I'd done drugs - WTF?! I've been completely honest and upfront but he's always doubting me. He also said he wondered how my interest in him would have been if I hadn't seen his house so early on, despite me saying I didn't want his money (for the 20th time).

He also said that I'm good looking and therefore have had an easy life - like it was an accusation. Oh god, he's a creep isn't he.

I do understand the concern over the drugs and the money (I baulk at saying I have nothing to show for my life however). I also think that there are women who treat men badly. I'll accept his concerns over that. But I absolutely will not accept his selfish and disrespectful manner in trying to find out if I'm 'acceptable', I will not tolerate his focus on my weaknesses, and I am going to ensure that I end up in a relationship where I feel stronger and better about myself rather than doubt myself. Having outsiders' opinions has been invaluable, don't think I would have spotted this myself.

skelleybones so do you value people in accordance with their wealth?

Jacksmania - you've run a marathon haven't you . You're right, it changes you, and you start to really believe in yourself, mainly because for 8 miles you thought you couldn't do it, and then you somehow do.

Which is why I think everyone should do it. That's a whole other thread and I could bang on about that for ages

He does sound worse the more you say about him.

beatenbyayellowteacup (please explain your name, I have to :o every time I read it :o) yes I have. :)

I did like zipzap's post about turning his tactics around and using them on him, but on further reflection, I don't know if it's really a good idea. For one, why waste your time, for another, I don't know, I just don't have a good feeling about it. I tend to disagree with almost everything SGB says but in this instance she may be right... this man could be dangerous. I've got a friend who's a police officer and in the course of our friendship's he's told me how much information he could access if he wanted to... ... so, I don't know... why not just get out and leave it at that? I'm just a bit concerned.