Am I a big red flag?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

I started dating a man around 7 weeks ago (internet dating). We hit it off instantly - our first proper date lasted 26 hours and we've been seeing each other twice a week ever since. He is great in many ways and we do get on really well, in general - but he has these concerns about me and seems to be banging on about them in an attempt to work out if I'm a good catch or not. We've had really serious conversations about the future and it hasn't felt particularly premature, although the "L" word has not been broached.

1. I have done coke in the past, and a little bit recently. He hates it and is concerned that I am not a stable person and under stress, will go on a bender. This used to be true of me but not any more. I've told him this but he's not convinced (nowadays I'm the most likely seen heading off to bed as soon as possible).
   

2 I am nearly 40 but don't have a property or any decent savings (to be fair, I started my career at 27 and have moved country around 9 years ago, and started from virtually nothing, and I am a little bit rubbish with money - but I have not intention of asking anyone else to bail me out. I have my own plans for a business/career development etc). I earn about a grand more than him.

He is concerned that I am going to want to take his money from him (he's worked hard and has his own lovely house all paid off) and has been questioning me quite intently. He made it clear that he thinks I'm irresponsible for not having sorted my money out. I have told him that I don't care about his money but he says he's seen it too many times with his friends being divorced and losing their personal savings etc. He's been quite harsh with me about this.

He's made it pretty clear that he wants kids (neither of us have any), and he doesn't want to waste a year trying to work out if it's going to work.

Should I bail and leave him or does he have a point? The issue is that I'm starting to think he's not going to be a very nice person over the long term, because he sees everything in black and white. He can be very kind (he cares for his elderly mother) but he can also be quite bitter and cynical about people.

But I also tend to run from relationships out of fear sometimes.

What do you make of this?

[Vicky2011]

So many massive red flags - really strongly suggest you give him the one way ticket to Dumpsville.

He has, in fairness, made it pretty clear to you what he's like. Don't ignore what he's telling you.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Getting to know you is good, getting to know your bank account is something quite different.

Just... run. Or make it very, very clear you have no intention of moving in with a guy you've known for less than a year, and watch him do the running. The longer this one goes on for, the less well it'll end, trust me.

[hester]

You sound SO much nicer than him . All the mortgages in the world don't make up for that...

[LesserOfTwoWeevils]

Discussing your bank account?
He sounds mad.
And yes, controlling and potentially abusive. Red flags all over him.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

hester thanks

I guess this means that I'm single again. Well, this sad scenario will be concluded as soon as I tell him tomorrow.

So, just to clarify to my emotionally tainted brain, the red flags here are:

excessive concern over money
not respecting my boundaries

and ??

Is that enough?

[Yama]

Not respecting you. That's all you need really.

[buzzsore]

Not respecting your boundaries is actually a huge one - cos where does it stop? Which boundaries won't he cross or erode?

One of the other red flags is talking about a mortgage settling down together at 7 weeks in. Too far, too fast.

[madonnawhore]

Making you feel like you're not good enough and judging your life when frankly, how you have lived your life is none of his business. Being together for a mere 7 bloody weeks does not make it his business.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Don't forget the being so anxious to start a family he isn't prepared to "waste" a whole year getting to know the prospective mother of these theoretical kids.

And the bitterness and cynicism, they're not good signs either.

[madonnawhore]

You don't need any reason other than you just don't want to continue with the relationship. That's enough. You don't have to explain yourself to him. Not after so short a time.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Of course she doesn't, madonnawhore. This list is for the OP's own future reference in case she meets another man who's swathed up to the eyeballs in red flags. The less she tells him the better - but of course one should always be polite. Something like "I'm sorry, but I really can't see that this is going to work out between us", repeated gently but firmly until he stops bleating.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

madonnawhore I hadn't really considered that my life choices up until now actually aren't any of his business - he's made such a fuss about them informing him about who I am that I just kind of assumed that he was right.

OK - lets say this is just a silly foolish misguided error of communication on his part.....and he gets over his stupid obsession about money.

Other red flags?

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Annie I actually read that as "repeated gently but firmly until he stops bleeding", which made perfect sense to me

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Oh I'll answer my own question:

Last weekend I was asleep in his bed (Friday night, knackered after work, we were leaving early next morning) while he showed a guest who wanted a tour around the house. And showed him the fucking bedroom while I was sleeping in it.

Boundaries, boundaries.

[BitOfFun]

Other red flags? Judgementalism (is that a word?). Seeing you as uppity and in need of restraint. Being historically unable to sustain a relationship. Looking at you suspiciously as likely to rip him off. Treating you like a job interviewee who needs to meet his requirements, rather than seeing if you are mutually compatible.

[hester]

tbh not having had a proper long-term relationship at his age would raise questions for me. Not saying it would mean there was anything wrong with him as such - I don't think people SHOULD have long term relationships. But if someone wants to have a life partner, as he clearly does, and hasn't come anywhere near achieving it, I'd want to know why.

The next red flag would be him telling you that the problem lay with all the women. I have real problem with men who tell you about 'the problem with women nowadays.." and also with men who hint darkly at the woman who hurt them so badly that it has left them with permanent psychological scars that will end up justifying all sorts of terrible behaviour. (And yes, I have equal problems with women who pull the same gig about men.)

But above all, he needs to understand that beginning a relationship with someone should not feel like an extended job interview. Ok, in a sense it is. But you should also feel that this person is excited by you, enjoys you, wants to learn all about you... not that they're scrutinising you and giving you marks out of 10, then kind of discussing with you all the ways in which you're not quite good enough and graciously giving you the opportunity to prove to them that you can do better.

That is not how people behave when they are falling in love. And you deserve to be loved.

[BitOfFun]

Oh, I just saw your last post . yes, no respect for your boundaries.

[hester]

That link is really good, RabbitPIe!

[thesunshinesbrightly]

I think he sounds nuts! tell him to f off.

[bubaluchy]

He sounds very pre occupied with material things, are you sure you really like him? If he is making you aware of your inferior status in the honey moon period what will he be like when you are caring for his children and in a less powerful position?

I know it is hard but neither of you are at an age where you can 'shilly shally' around!- I'd personally put this one down to experience.

I was going out with a Dr (GP) for a year (like you no mention of love), he took me on holidays e.t.c but he was like your guy- very aware of finances and it made me feel really inferior and childish just because I don't have my own property.

But what I lacked in material assets I made up for in time, evolving as a person and enjoying life, not measuring every action like life is some kind of game where you can win or loose, we are all going to die and though I am very responsible now, I don't regret that I took my early twenties to deepen my friendships, travel and enjoy the little things.

Now I am with a school teacher who earns far less but he is so generous, giving and sharing in his nature, my financial situation wouldn't even cross his mind.

what's mine is his and vice versa,
I wish you luck with this one I hope I havent bombarded you with too much info?

[peasandlove]

you both sound a bit desperate to me. I can understand his concerns that you've not saved any money, but it just means you both have totally different values.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

Ooh RabbitPie he has tendencies in about half of those.

1. he teases me in public
   
2. he cuts me off if he's not interested in what I'm saying or thinks it's worthless
   
3. I feel as though I'm not quite good enough by making comments like, "well you probably started work late because you were investing in yourself and studying" -er yes, you patronising arse.
   
4. His exes are all losers, but there are a few women who still fancy him and are trying to get together with him.
   
5. People have treated him badly in his life, which is why he is so cynical.
   

He's not aggressive but he is undermining simply by harping on anything negative about me he can latch onto.

[beatenbyayellowteacup]

The wealth of advice and experience on here is really helpful. I really appreciate all of your comments and they are making it clear to me that he isn't treating me the way I should be treated in a relationship.

And yes - if we are going on past behaviour as indicators of character then why hasn't he held down a relationship?