Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I personally think it's understandable and OK that you are 'scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken' at the moment. I would be too. Now that you know that he isn't willing to give her up I hope that slowly, slowly you will be able to harness all those feelings and start to work on what you want and need and deserve.

Twenty four years cannot be suddenly dissolved and forgotten about but now you must be selfish and think of yourself and your children. I would imagine that the first ( and possibly most therapeutic step) will be to get him out of the house (if he's still living with you all)

Have you seen a lawyer? Make a list of the practical things you need to do.

I'm glad you have support in real life and i'm sure you'll get loads on here too. You will be happy and cheerful again one day. xxx

I wish I could give you a hug, your pain is palpable.

You know that I finished a 22 year marriage in April, although it was ex who instigated it. Like you, I had tried so hard to make things work. I can empathise with you on so many levels.

You will get through this, and your pain will lessen. I promise you. But, what you are going through now is hell, and like grief it will sometimes overwhelm you. There are various stages to work through, and they can't be rushed, they will be got through though.

The week after we split, I felt profound sadness for the marriage I we used to have, and I mourned for it. My head told me I'd done the right thing, he had given me no other choice, but my heart yearned for what we used to have and what I felt we could have, if only he would come to his senses, and revert back into the lovely man I'd married all those years ago. So of course you feel incredibly sad, because you are now going through this. There are so many memories and shared experiences, and of course there was a picture in your head of your perceived future, and that too has been smashed. So, allow yourself to grieve and cry, it's all part of the healing process.

Lean on your RL support and accept as much help as you can. Lean on us too. You'll find in a few days that your emotions will settle a bit, but don't expect too much too soon - you're in shock, numb and hurt. But it will ease. You will have good days, and they will increase.

You will get back to being happy and positive again. But accept how you are, see that it's natural, and don't rush things. Be gentle on yourself.

Please go easy on yourself.

You're grieving for the end of your marriage, for the life you thought you would have, for what you thought the future will be.

Crying is normal - I did a powerful amount of it when my nearly 20 year marriage ended.

It does get better, it does lessen but it takes time - one day you'll waken and you'll get on with your day and half way through you'll realise it's not so raw and hurting (that's what happened for me)

If it helps, I thought my life was over, ex had told me I was too old too fat and too frumpy to ever find anyone else and the best I would ever get was a pity fuck. It wasn't and I wasn't I didn't go looking but I have a lovely DP who is the best thing ever to happen to me and my llife is better than it ever was.

drfayray. I want to help if I can.

If he is still living in the home it's time you asked him to leave immediately. If he has already left I would suggest you get a sol, some legal advice and then ensure that all your communications go through legal channels except for the bare minimum wrt access to the children.

Disbelief is part of the trauma. It protects you whilst your emotions are to the fore and you process the shock to your system. For a while your head and your heart will feel out of sync and you will yo-yo alot between being led by one or the other. When this happened to me I can remember walking around Sainsbury's trying to do some shopping and feeling like I was looking at the world through a window, it was completely unreal. Home felt like the only safe place to be, and yet it was where all the memories were.

This is normal too, if it's happening to you. Somehow, you see the rest of the world carrying on in their daily lives whilst you are feeling all kinds of confusing and conflicting emotions. At the moment the life you thought you had/were going to have is disconnected from the one you are living now and the future you will make. Allow yourself to do what you need to and know that you are entitled to your feelings whatever they are.

I'ts such a well-worn cliche but it's true that in time you will see things differently. When you see things differently you will feel different and you will know that there was nothing you did or didn't to make your H run to the OW - it was his decision to stop giving to the relationship and unfortunately he made this decision without consulting with you first.

The irony is that when these H's say they 'don't want to be married any more' what they are really saying is they want to shed all their responsibilities and pursue some fantasy life where they can act with impunity. An affair appears to offer this life. But your H will soon discover that any relationship carries with it the implicit expectations of responsibility and once the romance and excitement wears off he'll discover this for himself. Meanwhile you will have moved on, got angry (justifiably so, IMO) and will see him in a different light. More importantly, you will discover your strength and resilience will carry you through and out the other side. You will regain your confidence and respect for yourself but for now just look after yourself and your DC's.

keep posting, lots of lovely MNers will help you through this.

Thank you all. I am so very grateful for your replies. I spent most of today in bed, exhausted from crying. It was what I needed; the sleep anyway. I ache all over.

It is the fact that any security I have had is now gone. The future I had envisaged; everything..gone. I feel worthless and stupid. I know I am not but I feel that.

Yes, I believe he does not want the responsibility anymore. I cannot understand how he can not want to spend time with our children. They are lovely company; good fun and intelligent. I am very close to them as I spend a lot of my time with them, talking about whatever. He does not do this. I sometimes think he is bored with them. I cannot get that. Not at all.

I keep bursting into tears :(

I cut off my wedding ring yesterday. I am glad I did it as I needed something symbolic to show me that I have to accept this situation. There is such a deep mark on my finger but I think it will fade with time.

I am trying to make sure I have things to do. I am applying for a couple of jobs and am waiting to hear on one. If I get it, then that will help a lot. I am also knitting a lot. Counting stitches and patterns help me to focus on something else.

But...my marriage is over. However, I must not think my life is over. That is the hardest part.

Sorry if I am rambling but this is helping me. And again, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and be so kind and supportive.
Thank you.

Can't stop now Drfayray but will be back later.

You sound lovely btw, not at all stupid or worthless. If you want proof of that, just ask your lovely DC's. and hugs to you.

drfayray: I know how you feel about his treatment of the kids. I feel this to, and is something I struggle to get my head around. I too have always had a fantastic relationship with them, and their support now is invaluable. I can't however begin to understand how he could leave them, and bear to be apart from them. So I try to just accept that he can, rather than try to work out why he can.

I always did more than my share of bringing them up and looking after them, but that was fine by me - they're my world. He did become distant towards them in the last couple of years, and they found him critical and cool (as he was with me). All I can say is that mine have coped well, very well. YS still sees him, once or twice a week. ES not at all - just doesn't want to, and two DDs see him occasionally, but never for long. They are all getting on with their lives and I'm a little surprised at how little his leaving has affected them. But then, I guess he "left" them mentally way before he left them physically. Whether this was deliberate on his part, to detach from them to spare himself pain, or whether he just grew less interested/involved I don't know. But it's his loss, and that's for certain.

This is a time of transition and transitions are, by definition, an uncertain and unsettling period. Old patterns are broken down and new ones form, new rules to live by and renewed relational contexts.

I think you will find that accepting some uncertainty is easier than trying to fight it off, this is after all what you have been doing for some time now whilst your H has been busily undermining your reality.

It's really important that you regain some control over the situation now. Establish some ground rules for your H to stick to and don't budge from them. He will soon see that although you're down, you're not beaten and he may then treat you with more respect - he will, after all, have had to deny to himself the pain and sadness he is causing in order to do this, but he will not be able to deny a new set of rules to conduct himself by wrt to you (and he doesn't have to like that btw, he only has to accept that this is you taking control back).

Something I was advised to do very early on which has worked very effectively was to act civilly, coolly and detached in all my communications with XH no matter how I was feeling. I promise you I felt better as soon as I began behaving less like the abandoned wifey and more like a woman who could cope with anything that was thrown at me (and I had alot of that).

I also took control of the short term financial stuff whilst preparing for mediation. That helped me feel less on shaky ground because it's the unknown that paralyses, not the known.

I think taking off your wedding ring is a positive step, even though the groove which is left will remind you for a while. Some people buy new sheets, change rooms around, chuck stuff out. It's all about reclaiming your space and it helps.

Keep posting here and get all the support you can in RL. Do not protect your H by covering up the reason you are apart - you have done nothing wrong, he's an adult and can answer for his own actions.

I hope you are feeling better now you've had some rest and a good cry.

Agree with Saff your H will have to take the consequences of neglecting his DC's. Don't try and rescue him from that either, just be there for them and they'll make up their own minds about him.

Drfayray - i have also just come to the end of my 18 year marriage.

Again, i ended it but its was because of H behavoiour.

i agree with what everyone else had said on here (wise ladies). At first i was shellshocked and was so worried that all and sundry would think i was a bad wife , that i wouldnt cope etc.
But here iam 11 weeks on and still standing - in fact i would go as far as to say loving life.
It just takes time.
If you had told me that i would have achieved all things i have done since thing i would not believe you.
i have bought my own car - sorted out the insurance, took out my first ever loan, found a new house, moving next week. Sorted out counselling for me and for the kids.
We are all still standing and all the bills are paid, no one has died. and iam realy looking forward to the rest of my life.

My advice would be is to take one day at a time, baby steps , take all the support you can get - here and in RL. pamper and look after yourself when you can.
Get yourself some counselling if you can - it will help.

Keep posting and take care

Thank you all. I am in Australia, btw, which is why I am out of sync.
You know, I am feeling a lot of fear. He was the one who did all the financial stuff. But I have taken over the finances and have been doing an ok job. Took it over 4 weeks ago as he said it was yet another pressure he did not want.

I took the children to see HP7:2 and it was a welcome distraction.

I have to accept it is over. Very hard. He says that I am being so emotional and he hates the way I try to blackmail him emotionally. It is desperation. I have to stop as it just leaves me exhausted.

Again I am rambling but this is helping. It is one in the morning and I should sleep. I want to take my dog out for a walk in the morning. She always cheers me up.

I appreciate all of you for taking the time to post your experiences. It calms me and gives me hope.

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling Drfayray; I know it only too well.

The key bit of advice that worked for me which I took from lurking on MN for a few months, was to detach from my H which you need to do with your H. It sounds like you have made a good start by taking control of the finances and seeing that it's all ticking over nicely under your careful watch. Take confidence from that and find other areas that you can start to take control of and read other threads to draw inspiration from the early days. I personally found the threads of *Wisedupwoman" and "Saffysmum" very helpful.

My H let me think there was hope when he had no intention of giving up OW. As soon as I realised that he had never intended to follow-up on his words with deeds that matched I just thought: "how dare he show me such little respect. I deserve so much better than this" and you deserve better than that too. Take the good advice here, tell people in RL, you will be amazed by how supportive they are and let them support you and spoil you and carry you if that's what you need because they really will come through for you.

If you have any questions please ask and I'm happy to share my experience with you and let you know what has worked/is working for me as it may work for you too. Take care and as you ride this unwanted rollercoaster do remember that it really does get easier. I promise.

24 years of memories are not going to slip away easily, that will hurt, and also I understand you feeling scared of what is to come and facing a lack of security when you thought your life was secure. It is incredibly hard but it was not for nothing and you will always have your dc. Do they know yet?

How old were you when you met dh, and I take it you moved out to Australia, have you been living there a very long time?

I am currently reading Saffysmum's thread. :( I can relate to so much there.

I got married at 24 and so for half of my life have been with DH. We met in Singapore where he was working. He is English, I am a Singaporean Indian. I was a naive girl really, living at home with my parents. We spent 13 years in the UK where I did my first degree in English Language and became a teacher. Both DC were born there. Then when DD was 5 months we went to Australia for his sabbatical year. Decided to stay in Australia because the lifestyle was great for the children. I have moved and moved to support him; within Australia we moved three times, for his jobs. Every time, I have had to start again, making new friends, settling kids etc. Now been in Australia for 13 years or so.

I did not work for 10 years whilst the children were little. However, I did study and got my Master's and PhD. Now I am an academic who was made redundant last August. I have been very upset by my job loss and have been trying really hard to find another. Not so easy in this climate.

DH said he doesn't want to support me anymore. I have been supporting him for 24 years. He has risen in his profession (academic). He works away in another state whilst I hold the fort here. :(

The unfairness of it all galls me. But then life is unfair, isn't it?

I really want to take the control back in my life. I am now 49 and have been told by many I do not look my age. I have two wonderful children out of this marriage so I should be grateful for that.

I hope people do not mind but I will keep posting as I go along as this seems to really help me.

I am working my way through Saffysmum's and the similarities to my situation ....it is very helpful. Especially as Saffysmum, you seem to be out of that dreadful limbo that I am in now.

Hi drfayray. I've not that much in common with you, but my word I'm rooting for you, getting through this. You've had such a hard time. So sorry to hear about your work as well.

Keep posting for as long as you want to. We'll be here. Don't know family law in Australia but I doubt he can just walk away from all his responsibilities without a backward glance, shit that he is for saying that.

First of all get some decent legal advice - he can't just cut you off. Whether or not he wants to support you he may be legally obliged to.

Secondly, yes the hurt will get better and you will cope with this. Women are amazingly capable. We rise up to meet the road beneath us in ways we never know we are able till we have to.

Remember this: even if he has moved on and you are not ready to, you can't have a relationship with someone who has already gone. It's just not possible. Start from today: say 'today I will start living my life the best way I can in my circumstances.' Start looking for new opportunities in work, where you live and how you deal with things. Try and remain positive. If he is nasty, just remember he's trying to defend himself because he knows he's done a bad horrible thing and he's continuing to do it.

You grab every opportunity to reach out to friends and family and you talk and then talk some more. Someone will give you some word, or a smile which will reach you and help you feel a little less hurt and the strength you have inside will carry you through.

You have to go through this bit to get to the next stage which is much better. I know you are grieving right now, but there will come a day when you wake up and don't cry, I promise. :)

how hard for you, how very hard.

You have two school-age dc and you are unemployed now, that's hard if he is going to be difficult with maintenance/financial issues. I think this is the thing to find out about next week. Best if he isn't in the house. You say he works in another town, so best he stays there IMO. It is going to be too emotionally charged and drastic if you stay in the same house until things are sorted if you are definitely separating/divorcing.

I just had a very painful conversation with DH. He will have to pay for kids but is not keen to support me. I am waiting to hear about this job on Wed. If I get it, things will be very different. So far, he has not been funny about money. I have to be fair. Up to now, he was a decent man, very kind and thoughtful.

I said to him, I cannot understand how he can be so cold about ending 24 years. How he did not try to work it out, not really and I think that is just so unfair to me. He did not give me a chance.

Now I realise how stupid I am being. I am talking like there is a glimmer of hope when I KNOW there is nothing. I cry like a fool, I cannot control myself. He went off to get DD from a friend's. I went upstairs, crying like a fool, and went to see DS. He was reading in his pad (I set up the verandah as a teen pad for him and his friends) and he hugged me and patted my back. He was very sweet. He started talking about this book he was reading (Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison) and cheered me up.

Why can't I accept that this is over?? Why can't I stop crying like a loon? When will this terrible pain stop?

I am making a point of seeing friends this week. I need to see other people. As I do not work I can go for ages without seeing people, although I msn regularly with two good girl friends. However, they live as far away from me as possible. I am in Brisbane and one lives in Hobart and the other Perth.

My ringless finger hurts :(

I don't suppose it helps at all but I think this is one of a series of stages people go through when a relationship ends. Usually one person is not ready or as ready as the other to end things and you at first don't want to believe it.

I don't know why he let it get to the point where he felt it was beyond repair before he told you. Is he one of those men/people who cannot talk about what they feel and just keep plugging on with life until things reach a point on no return?

Is the house paid up and is he ok with you keeping it? Sorry to always grind on about the money but how can you have any kind of life when you don't know where you stand?

drfayray - glad my thread is helping you. The posters who contributed to it helped me hugely, and I hope we can help you on your thread.

Yes, I'm not in limbo anymore - but I'm not quite out of it yet! I was in limbo prior to him leaving. When he told me (again) in March that he would leave in July, I hit rock bottom (hence the thread) and waiting for him to go was worse than limbo, it was hell. However, once I threw him out, things got better for me, because I was back in control of my life, my future.

What helped me was the practical stuff - having a good sort out (changed bedroom round, bought new stuff); bagging up his stuff and shoving it in the garage. But above all, getting the ball rolling divorce wise. I know this isn't for everyone, but I had a rage inside me (over treatment of daughter's discovery as on thread) that needed an outlet, so channelling that practically by starting divorce proceedings meant I was taking control.

I'm still in a sort of limbo, because although my solicitor is very good, it's taking time to sort out the financial disclosure, and when that's done, I will be able to take over the finances, which is what I've been itching to do for months. So that's something I look forward to.

I still take one day at a time, but I fill my life with things I enjoy; seeing more of friends, socialising more with colleagues (who are rapidly becoming good friends), spending time hanging out with the kids and their friends, and working. I am going for a promotion at work tomorrow - big interview. Initially my reaction was "I can't go for this, because I have so much other stuff to sort in my life", my second reaction was, "I will go for this, because his action will not impact on my present and my future ever again".

At some point, when you've got over the early weeks (and you're doing well, believe me) you'll start to feel empowered by your new independence and freedom. Then girl, there will be no stopping you!

I have no idea about the legal side of things in your country. However, because I put a career on hold and was a stay at home mum for many years, my solicitor is going for spousal maintenance. You say your husband isn't keen on this; well, I don't expect my ex to be either, but tough; they can't dictate the law, they are actually only mortal like the rest of us, and will have to adhere to it!

Good luck, keep posting.

My ringless finger hurts

Oh I know that feeling so well Drfayray you have made me cry.

I know this is so hard for you and it is bewildering too. It is so confusing to realise that someone has unilaterally untied themselves from your partnership and it hurts like hell. You will find yourself grieving for your lost marriage and your lost friendship and you will be grieving for the lost future that you thought you had. Let yourself do this. None of this is easy but it does get easier. For now focus on trying to be positive and relish in achievements, no matter how small. When you are down remember that there will be fewer down days over time.

One area where you can start to take control now, which will help, is to get some legal advice so that you are armed with the facts as to what H can or cannot do, whether he wants to or not.

In the UK most family law experts will offer a 30-minute or 60-minute free first session so google law firms in your area and see if they offer a free consultation. If so book a couple of meetings then write down all of the questions that you want answers to. If you run out of time at one firm, continue with your questions at another. Think about things like entitlement to a share of his pension too, because you will have made investment decisions (even just leaving it all to H was a decision) about providing for you and your DCs' futures based on the future you thought you had with H.

Take your list of questions to these meetings and treat these initial meetings as an opportunity to "interview" the lawyer who will be standing by your side during one of the hardest periods of your life. You will want to trust them and feel that they really are batting for your side and you will want total confidence in them. Do remember that seeing a lawyer at this stage is practical and you do not need to start proceedings until you feel ready to do so but don't let H scare you about being without financial support for yourself.

Apply that formidable mind you have to this and arm yourself with the facts and another piece of the healing jigsaw will fall into place, it really will.

Mumsnetters you are amazing - as one of drfayray's real life friends thank you so much for all your wise words. It is really important for her to hear from other women who have been through what she is going through and not only survived, but thrived. I know that your replies mean so very much to her.