Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

Please, please please get legal advice. He is cold because he has been emotionally leaving you for some time so he has about 3 years on you whereas you have only just found out. He is also cold because he has separated from you a long time ago and his head is up OW's twat his arse.

What he wants or is prepared to do is completely and utterly irrelevant. He is in twat-land la-la land and real obligations and la-la land are not the same thing, which he will find out to his shock. He WILL get mean and nasty at this point. DO NOT go along with him do not co-operate on his terms without legal advice - THIS MAN IS NOT YOUR FRIEND any more.

Please: start copying everything. Phone bills, house bills, financial information, last years' tax return, supermarket bills, everything you can. Firstly, to make sure he isn't hiding money, and secondly because you are going to need to come up with a budget for negotiation. Half his earnings, assets and pension belongs to YOU. If you can prove that he is where he is because of you, half of all of his future earnings belong to you too!!!!

Another thing: do you have a joint account? When you go to the supermarket, stock up on expensive cleaning and other materials for your future. Flash, washing powder, loo rolls etc. Use cash back every time a few $100 at a time and stash that cash away in a shoe box for when he gets nasty.

Sadly for him OW's [twat] wasn't around when he entered a LEGAL AND BINDING CONTRACT of marriage with you, and her luuuuuurve wasn't around when HE created children with you that HE has an obligation to support.

It is time for you to get tough and start fighting, which I can hear is not in your nature. But you are fighting for your future (poverty in old age ain't pretty) and for the future of your children.

A very good site is midlifeforum dot com, dealing with supporting the fall out from midlife crisis. There are a lot of Aussies on it, a lot of divorcees with experience, a lot of lawyers. The information I give you is from that site.

Please, please listen to the most important advice they give: this man is no longer your friend. Do not believe him, do not trust him, and do not go along with his plans. He DOES NOT have your best interests at heart, only his own.

Great update - I have been quietly lurking on this thread and its lovely how well you are doing these days :)

Abitwobbly. It is ok. I have a v good sol. Plenty of money. This is nearing the end. What I wrote in the op was a while back. This post was just an update for those who might be interested.

I have a v good job, support etc. All good. Really.
Thank you for your concern though.

Pleased to hear life is moving on & in the right direction for you DrFay.

I am now divorced (I didnt contest... what was the point, I could never have someone back that could do that to me). Money is still to be resolved and to date he is now showing a different side to the person I thought he was (but that is probably OW influence).

I have made some very good RL friends out of this and am getting good advice so I feel like I am moving onwards & upwards (no choice really!).

Stay strong DrFay, its still a rollercoaster & unfortunately they will always be in your life as part of DCs life (if I could have it any other way I would!)

Wow DrFay, you really do look like you are in your mid-thirties in the photos. It probably would be a good idea to take a break from the dating for a while. I've read a number of times that the suggestion is to give yourself one month off for each year of the relationship and then two months for the year of seperation. Not just to get over it all but to decide what you really want as well. I am just curious if you would consider trying to date within the Indian community when you do start again though? I'm in Sydney and it's not at all uncommon to see ads from divorcees in some of the Indian newspapers here who are looking to meet other divorcees. I think the stigma of it has really lessened considerably. Not sure what your background is but my DH has some pretty hot-shot matchmaker aunties ;)

Hello to the gorgeous and blooming, drfayray... checking back for updates and boy do you sound sorted and strong, just like you've been all the way through now. Roll on June and you'll have that nincompoop out of your hair for good - and I really wouldn't worry about your children seeing KK or any other woman he decides to hook up with, they're YOUR children and that silver cord is strong enough to withstand anything and everything.

Sooner or later your ex will come to his senses and be filled with regrets at what he has lost. You've lost nothing, lovely lady, just gained your life back in your prime. :)

Glad you're so well drfay! Good for you, and hope 2012 is a great year for you!

(if allowed under your healthy diet!)

Hi everyone, I thought it was time for yet another update .

Thanks to those of you who posted recently, I didn't see them or would have replied.

And no Indian men for me, thank ye very much .

So...still sorting through settlement. But so far no serious issues.

However...

He is being an arse over the kids. Thing is the kids do not want to see him much. But he thinks I am stopping them from seeing him. Far from the truth. They have a dad and should see him. But see, he has been so disengaged from them that he doesn't know them anymore. So what does he do? Does he talk to them? No. He gets his sol to imply that I am stopping communication and wants child mediation.

I agree of course. Talk to the children and learn some shocking things. My 16 year old son (a gorgeous, gentle, loving lad) says that he has no father and has felt like this for ages. Not a reaction to how the Scrote has treated me. He thinks his father is an idiot and is really stupid. He wants to hit him. He also said when he has finished Uni he will never have to see him again. I am heartbroken by all this. And I loathe the fucking cunt that I was married to. Darling daughter who will be 14 in May said that she wishes he would just go away. She said she has not forgiven him for what he has done to us. Sigh...big heavy sigh.

He lives in the Gold Coast and wants them to visit every other weekend. He forgets that they are teens with very busy lives. DS said he hates going there and it is very difficult. He has a lot of homework and wants to relax at home at the weekend. DD says she has friends to see and homework to do. She does not want to go to the GC. What am I supposed to do? I cannot force them at all. DS being 16 can actually leave home so stupid Scrote cannot force him to do anything.

Anyway, we will do child mediation and see what happens. DS said that it might be a chance to say what he thinks as long as Scrote is not there.

So, I have been doing the odd date; nothing successful until just recently. I have met a really lovely man. It is very early days so I am having no or low expectations. But we had a most perfect date on Saturday. A picnic at this beautiful park (one of the nicest places in Brisbane) and it was just perfect. The weather, drink (he brought champagne), the food (I brought sexy food ) and the company. He reads! Shakespeare, Bronte, Elliot, etc...OMG, a cultured man. So rare in Australia (yes yes a bit of generalisation but not by much sadly!) and we laughed a lot.

He is like the BEST kisser ever ever. I felt like a teenager again. Lovely feeling.

So I am trying to sort out my life; moving soon out of this house with its horrible memories, my job is full on and have started dancing classes; Latin variety beginner. That is so much fun and I have met a whole heap of new people.

Oh and my diet and exercise thingy is going so well. I have lost 25 kilos and going strong. I am not the person Scrote abandoned last year, that is for sure!

Anyway, so this is me for the moment. Wish me luck with the lovely lovely man please. And of course the dealings with the Scrote.

And again to others out there going through what I did; take heart. You are in control of your life.

Take care.

drfay, lovely to see your update after so long, glad things are still going well for you. I suspect child mediation might be a rude awakening for your ex... Oh dear, how sad.

PS: Good luck with the lovely lovely man!

this is an inspiring thread - I wish you and your children well for the future, you look fantastic in your photos and so young!

Oh dear Dr Fay: here is their old distortion:

I left YOU, not the children. [And as YOU are the sole cause of my problems, getting rid of YOU will be juuuuuuust peachy!]

Total delusion. Like the children won't mind their lives have been blown apart along with their mother. I hope mediation won't be too much of a shock. Can't children that age choose?

Hi again everyone!

Another update: I find this process of recording very useful. I plan to read through the whole thread soon (not yet though...).

I have been busy. Found a new place to rent that is just lovely. That takes the Sophie dog (rentals here are hard to get if you have a pet) and it is a gorgeous old Queenslander cottage right in the heart of a lovely suburb (4 km from the city centre) with a thriving village (term used in aus context [wnk]) with restaurants, excellent cafes, shops etc. The train station and major bus interchange is just a short walk away so the children have access to school and the city. I am planning to move next week just before my birthday. I am proud of myself. I have done this by myself. All by myself. I can do this!

I am in the proces off chucking out all sorts of crap from the last 24 years. It is cathartic.

Um....the lovely lovely man and I are still seeing each other and it is going ok. He is off to Canada for 3 weeks and I reckon when he returns things will change .... as in for the better. It is not serious but could be intense. He is very taken with me. VERY.... It feels good. We haven't uh..done anything yet...but man he is a good kisser. We snog like teens and it is lovely..just lovely..sigh...mmmmm....

I have given the last bit of paper to my sol for settlement. Hopefully this is it. So just waiting.

Situation with my children is not so good. My son is so angry. When I suggested that the scrote should help clear out the house (and scrote offered as well), DS shouted, 'NO! We three can manage. We don't need him. He can come to pick up his stuff but he should just leave.' Then when I said that perhaps Scrote can help make the new place secure for the dog, DD said, "no! Don't let him into the new house. I can do DIY!" And she can too actually.

What has he done? He has really lost his children here. I actually feel sad about this. DS said to me that his father thinks he can do what he wants without thinking about the consequences. But I have to let it go. It is not my problem. I did not do this.

Anyway, so things are happening. Next time I update, I will be in my new home and hopeful LLM (Lovely lovely man) will be back (back on the 11th) and we would have done the dirty by then . I have a feeling that when we do it will be quite something else...

Take care and again to anyone reading this and going through the same shit; take heart..things do get better.

Hi drfay! Love reading your updates. You're a strong confident woman, and that shines through. The new place sounds wonderful.

All I can say about DS is that both my boys are the same. ES had no contact from the moment twunt left last April, and after seeing a lot of his dad, YS has had nothing to do with him for a couple of months. You're right - they lose their kids. Twunt still sees his 2 dds but they are quite cynical and detached from him, and he will never have that closeness with them again. It all goes back to the big argument, "I'm leaving you not the kids" with these men; they don't realise that actually they are leaving everyone, and the kids are forced to adjust their relationship with their father. It's so sad, but it's the consequence of their selfish actions, and they have to live with it.

Take care and continue enjoying life.

Hi! Drfayray!

How's everything? Often think about you!