Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

Found you DrKay and read through. You have definitely been going through a lot, and I'm with Wisey and many others in having true hatred for this man, and huge admiration for you.

I have two really important questions for you:

1. Why is he still in the house?
2. So many MNers have told you to see a sol NOW - you must do this

These two things will help you move on tremendously. The less contact the better....

You also had a posting about collaborative divorce. I'm exploring that too. Only prob is I'm not sure ABCKF is going to be civil enough - but it's a good plan.

Keep up your cheery self, but get down to biz too!!!

DrFay you're doing really well, what a strong lady you are. I too want to know why he's still returning to the house? I think it would be better all round if he found somewhere else to stay - it's disruptive to your recovery, even though you'll be a busy dr bee, you still need him out of the way, and it's confusing for the kids. And yes, a solicitor should be a priority, but you know that and you'll know when the times right for that. It's still early days and you're very impressive. As for getting rid of his "shit, shit, shit" tell me about it. Our garage is packed with Lycra-twunt's crap - and it's driving me nuts. Unfortunately, my sol says I can't do much about this, cos it's legally his house too. ES had a good idea, "tell him mum that you need him to move his crap out, cos your new fella needs somewhere to park the Porsche". I love my boy!

Well, first of all thanks for posting Kaelle and Saffysmum.

The house situation is weird I know...see we rent here in Qld. We had a house in NSW we are renting out. This will be sold. He works in NSW during the week and stays in motels/hotels (sometimes uni paid, sometimes not). He pays the rent here as I have been unemployed since Aug last year (but will be starting fab new job on the 8th).

I guess because of some of the things he has said, I do not want to antagonise him. He is not the person I used to know and love. This person is a stranger and I feel that I have no idea how he is going to react. He is getting an apartment in the Gold Coast soon (ha..uni is paying 320 and he pays 100 per week - AUD) and will move there. The lease runs out here in Mar 12 and I want to stay for sake of continuity. The children like it here, near to transport, their schools and friends. But it is expensive (one of the more expensive suburbs in Brisbane), plus it is very hard to find rentals as the recent floods have really affected many houses here; so many are still empty and wrecked.

I just feel I cannot kick him out. I don't know why. He is hardly here but you are right...better to have no contact. There has been no contact since Tues night (he got back from Hobart and left Wed first thing) and it has been great. But what really really sucks is that he has not contacted the children.

I think once the apartment is ready, things will move.

I know re: solicitor. I have one in mind. But I have yet to make that call. Why? I do not know. Sigh...but I have to and will.

But I am feeling strong. And good about myself. Every time I feel sad or tearful, I give myself a shake, feel the sadness...accept it and just go do something else. I have cried enough tears for the bastard. He does not deserve any more. He deserves nothing.

Please make that call. It is just to make the appointment for the initial visit. Tell yourself it is a matter of incremental steps and you are not diving into the deep end. I think you are legally in a better position if you make the first move to securing your custody of the children and also your claim to the marital property if you make the first move and get your papers filed first.

It is a big mental shift from being the one who upped ticks and followed H around for your whole marriage, but please believe me, he will not hesitate when the time is right for him to act, and though he seems right now not to care for contact with the children, he may well lay claim to them just to antagonise and further upset you, or to use his claim to them to counter your claim to a fair share of the property, make you more likely to compromise where finances are concerned.

People like your H do not 'get' real relationships, but they understand ownership and the concept of property and they extend this concept to their view of their children. He has discarded you like an old pair of shoes. He could equally make a grab for the children. Please get in first, with the legal end of things.

upped sticks...

There is also the question of your H frittering away marital assets while still officially married. He is spending money on the trips and the kayaking, etc., not to mention his accommodation and wooing the OW. The sooner you get papers filed, the sooner the clock stops on the joint money.

Take money from your joint account and put it in your individual account first. Call credit card companies and find out the balance if you are not aware of it. Get a credit report on him to find out if there are unsuspected credit cards that he is using. Take your name off joint credit cards if that is possible. Find out if utility bills have been paid if you have not been doing this particular chore. Make sure the rent has been paid up to date.

math is right drfay. I found out my XH had drawn money out of my account, had been spending on the OW on our joint account for months, cleared our savings account and hadn't paid off the credit cards with the re-mortgage we took out.

You really need to pick up the ball on this one, honestly you do .

Do not be tempted to refinance a mortgage on your property in order to pay off cc debt if he is the account holder on the credit cards. If the question of a refi in order to pay off a credit card comes up, adding to the mortgage will bite you both (but why should it bite you at all) when the house is sold and you divide up the profit. If there's any way to shrug off the credit card debt, do it, and let him pay it off if he wishes from his share of the proceeds. Do not allow your share of any profit from the house be diminished by adding to the mortgage.

I was burned by a ploy like this. It meant that exH didn't care how little the house was sold for as long as it went on the market when it was supposed to, which turned out to be right in the middle of the house price slump, and the DCs and I had to find accommodation when rental prices were going up due to demand. And there was less profit for me. But exH's 20K credit card debt was cleared. Plus he had his share of the house...

Things may be different in Oz, but you absolutely need to speak with a solicitor if you don't want to be cleaned out.

Do not be tempted to refinance a mortgage on your property in order to pay off cc debt if he is the account holder on the credit cards that's exactly what happened - and now I share that debt. One of the grounds for the divorce for UB though.

If you have other grounds (and you do) better not to be left carrying the can too.

yes, even more than getting him out, get your feet under you financially and legally! do it before you start new job!!

So agree w Maths. Sol or not, you need to start thinking in ter s of money and how the court would view ure situation. You might feel very secure about your current role but he still needs to do a generous part for the kids. Your sol might evn think that as u gave up so much of your ti e/income that youare e titled to a bit of alimony.
Oops at stn now'

Oh thank you all so much. I would hug except well MNs do not do hugs.

Yes, you are right re: solicitor of course. I know this. Although the solicitor is only open Mon-Fri, I just rang and left my details for them to ring back on Monday. Thanks for the kick up the arse...I needed it. tearful but grateful

I went to see the solicitor back in April just for a preliminiary chat; at that point in time I wanted to find out about money and custody but I was aiming for making the marriage work. He gave me that impression too. But obviously, that is not the case now.

No refinancing going on here. shuddering with fear. We have enough to clear the CC. Although the house prices are not brilliant in NSW where the house is, have to sell it. I should end up with a nest egg. Sadly I doubt I will be able to afford to buy but really not sure if I want to anymore. Renting is fine for the moment.

Australia is pretty good when it comes to divorce, settlements etc for the women.

I do the finances now and have access to all accounts. I pay the bills and have been doing it better than he has before! Wanker...Also the rent out and mortgage are up to date.

I have to put on my big girl's pants and just do what I have to now.

Once again, I really appreciate your advice and experience. You give so freely and it helps so much.

Thank you.

Please find out if you can avoid being held jointly responsible for paying the credit card off; see if you can leave that debt to him to deal with.

Well done for making that call to the solicitor. Sometimes it's nice to just leave a message.

very pleased. was feeling a bit vulnerable for you.

Good girl re sol. Don't sell the house yet, or make anymore mention of that or any other financial arrangement. Wait until you have put all finances in front of sol. Then you can put your money hat on, include his income, yours etc and decide. Let sol tell you what she thinks your contribution might be...you might be surprised how much he still has to shoulder. It could be that you would be better off still renting out that house and renting each yourself. Maybe you could pull some equity out if you need some temp cash. But if prices are off, and you think they could improve in the short term and neither you are desperate for the immediate cash, then keep it as a joint investment....just a thought.

Sols will put you in the practical zone. Have a good w/e, Drfay!

Hi DrFAY just catching up with you - I am so pleased you have contacted Sol. You are a bright and capable women - SO with the correct advise from an expert you will be an even brighter and even more capable women!!! You need the best outcomes for you and dcs and this way you will get them. Its another very important support system so you are not facing ABFCK alone in the next battle stage. Thats my very simplistic view - I dont have to deal with sols etc cos we are not married and he is happy togo with his arcade bits and pieces. Luckily for me he can take his debts cos I never did a joint anything with him. So I cant pretend to know how hard that is for you but reading all the advise , the collective experience described here identifes it is the right thing to do right now - and you have done it.
On another note - I might to an AF here, she was planning to move to my house so she could have buns for breakfast and ice cream for tea - so when she arrives i will be packing to come and live on your teen varanda and eat pizza - you are one cool mum xxxxx Where is AF ???? has anyone seen her ?

Thank you all again for posting. I am calling sol again tomorrow morning.

Truth be told, I am not feeling too sparky right now. Oh wait, that is cos the bastard is back. He had an incident in his camping event where someone got hurt. The whole house is different now. DD disappeared into her room and so did DS. I dozed off in front of the tv and decided to get ready for bed early anyway (something I have to start doing soon anyway). He said that cos of the conference he will not be here much. I want him out. My home is not good with him here. Usually, the DC and I hang out watching tv of an evening.

I also feel enraged at the sight of his mingeface. Useless thoughts of how could he do this to us? Why? Pointless I know but they flood my mind. This is why I am posting now. I am not crying but feel tearful. I had a really nice afternoon too. DD and I went to my good friend's birthday lunch. First outing as single woman. He was not invited. It felt odd but I might as well get used to it.

I am having my hair cut tomorrow to cheer myself up and looking at getting some pieces to update my wardrobe. I will not let him ruin my hard work at trying to come to terms with this situation.

I think the sol and having a plan will be good.

I guess I just need a cheerful supportive word right now. It is so hard and I want to cry and wail and ask why? But no point I know. Heart feels heavy. The road ahead seems frightening. Can I do this?

Dear drfayray, I so know what you are going through. How's things? She new new post "my husband has left me out of the blue after 20 years."
We need to get through it.

DrFay - it's all a process isn't it? Each step you take requires you to be ready for that step. You made the step for sols (with a MN kick), and now you're looking at his visits with even more discomfort. Everything takes courage - You're a strong bright woman and you'll know what to do when you know it/feel it. Try not to look too far ahead all at once.

Good hair and a few pieces of clothing are good and as for going alone to socials, I know about that. In June I went to a formal ball on my own - a fundraiser for my DD13's school. I knew some people at my table and there were other parents on their own, whether because spouses couldn't come or because they were simply on their own. It was a proud moment for me and so I know how it feels. You should be proud.

When he is around you are naturally feeling a lot of stress. His presence brings you right back to the hurt he has caused. Nothing much you can do about it, and this will pass, with time. But having him invade your space is hard, like a twist of the knife.

I like your haircut and new clothes plan.

Yes, you can do this. What you are feeling now is just a blip because he is back, like a wet dog at a picnic. It will get easier when he has a place of his own. Ask the solicitor how this can be effected.

haha Mathanxiety: wet dog at a picnic. That made me laugh! Thanks.

I am feeling very blue today. It is annoying me because I actually want to get off my arse and do some stuff around the house. I have my hair appt at 3.30 and it is now 11.30. I want to tidy my bedroom as it is very messy. I also want to sort out my wardrobe for my new job next week. But no...I am sitting here mooning about, feeling sorry for myself. My chest hurts and I feel very low.

You dear women will be pleased to know that I have made appt to see the sol on Wed at 2pm. There...it is done. That is a HUGE step for me because I still had this stooopid thought at the back of my stooopid mind, that this was really not happening, that he will actually want to still be married. Daft ould bat that I am! I do not want to be married to him anymore!!!

Shouting at myself now! Oh but this is so hard. I want to just go to bed and hide there forever. But there is no milk in the house...so better get my arse out for hair appt and assorted errands..

I actually feel quite panic-stricken now at the sol appt...I don't know why..

OK. The appt is done and I will see the sol on Wed. I will now get off my arse and go tidy my bedroom before I have to go get hair done and look at clothes. OK.

deep breaths

Just repeating to myself. .

He does not have my best interests at heart..he does not care about me or the DC going by current attitude...he is an adulterous bastard cuntknob of a fuckarse..I HAVE a duty to protect myself and the darling DC

Get yourself some Vitamin B6 while you're out. It can help with mood and energy levels. When you've been through a meatgrinder and surviving on adrenaline, you can feel absolutely whacked when the stressor reappears or when the adrenaline naturally ebbs.

Be kind and patient with yourself. Keep on putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there. You have every right to feel sorry for yourself and to grieve what you and the children have lost.

Corny but true mathanxiety! Thanks for that.

Well Please slap me around the head with a wet fish.

After I booked the solicitor's appt, I received the paperwork in an email. I have to pay 2k as a retainer. Now that stunned me. I know it costs but...and I had this stupid fucking thought...ah..maybe I will be able to work it out with him..maybe he will be ok....maybe I should cancel the appt. Save some money...

feels thud of many wet fish against head which is a shame as hair is looking quite stunning

So feel uneasy and confused, I rang my mummy. Dad was out but she just told me off. Said do not be ridiculous! Lawyers charge! YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF AND THE CHILDREN Go mum! Plus mum and dad have sent me some money to help. (so kind..so so kind)

I then talked to my good friends (they come on here too) and they also slapped fish around me head. I HAVE TO STOP THINKING I CAN TRUST HIM.

But it is hard to get out of the habit of half my life time. That is my excuse.

This situation also hardened my heart.

He is in town for this big conference. He returned in the afternoon whilst kids were home and I was out having stunning hairstyle. When I returned he was gone. I texted to make sure he was eating out (why? bloody Asian in me...just let go with the feeding stupid caaaw!) He texted back, eating at AGM. So fine.

I am assuming he is returning. So I leave light on and door unlocked. (we do live in a safe area but still). I went to bed at about 11 as totally fecked. This morning, I realise that he has not returned. NOw I do not give a fuck what he does but this is not a hotel. The children are here. They wondered where he was but seemed a bit distant.

I texted him asking if he were alive and he replies ages later saying that he is sorry but he drank too much so shared a room with a delegate. NOW, I noticed that his sponge bag is missing from the bathroom. And he could have just texted to say he was staying over. He is full of shit. He planned on staying away. so fine but a word would have been courteous.

So this sweet scenario has made me realise that he no longer gives a fuck about us. (I may be smart but I am also very stupid ) THat he is doing what he wants. Which is why I am now reading through all the material the solicitor has sent me and why I will be signing it and going to see her tomorrow at 2.

Reading back, I realise how stupid I sound. I know I should not have said anything at all. I have to break the habit about being courteous and caring. He does not reciprocate!

I am also scared. Can I do this? I mean I have no choice but I feel scared and alone. But see I am not alone. I have very good friends who care about me. I have MN who give me such support and advice. I have wonderful children who KNOW the way the wind is blowing. I have great supportive parents.

I never asked for this..but here it is and I need to put on my big girl's knickers and get on with it.

Also very grateful I can post here too!

So sorry it is all so stark and raw for you. When it hits you in the face so plainly and you strap yourself into the rollercoaster of the divorce process there is an undeniable feeling of what can only be described as terror. Part of the terror comes from the unfamiliarity, and part of it comes from the sheer speed at which you are forced to move and wrap your mind around things.

In a way, his coldness and selfishness is a huge favour to you as it is helping you to cut through the fog (hard to see it as anything but callousness right now though). You get very used to thinking in terms of 'we' -- 'the DCs and I' is a scary thought, but all you can do is take each necessary step, keep leaning on your friends and family (and keep on posting here) and behave your way into the new life that awaits you. You can also start teaching your stbx how to treat you from now on, through little symbolic gestures like locking that door at night.

(It's not stupid or slow to have left it unlocked for him. It is considerate and you were operating on the basis of the information you had; the assumptions you held were reasonable -- he is the one who deserves the reprimands you are heaping upon yourself. Don't be impatient with yourself )