Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

Mathanx is absoutely right, and I know how you feel so well DrFay.

Everything you said about his coldness, your anxiety, the way you still consider him enough to worry about him eating, etc, - I went through all of that.

All I can say is he does appear to be acting exactly like my ex did in the final couple of weeks before I booted him out. Mine stayed out all night, left family meals, etc. His coldness to me and the kids cut through me like a knife. BUT, when he had gone for good - oh the relief was tangible. The limbo you're in now is the worst part in my experience. It's like your head knows what's happening, but your heart hasn't caught up yet - so the cruelty hits you like a ton of bricks leaving you incredibly hurt and vulnerable.

Good luck with sol, I think you'll feel better once you get the legal ball rolling. I remember when I first went to CAB and actually said out loud "we are going to separate soon, and probably divorce" it hit me like a ton of bricks, suddenly it was all too real. But I got through that, and got strength from it. Please please make sure you are happy with sol. If you don't feel you connect, or 100% confident of their ability/attitude, get another one. A good sol is worth their weight in gold - mine has taken so much pressure off me, and she's wonderful. And yes, they cost a lot - mine let's me pay a fixed amount per month, because I couldn't afford her otherwise. Perhaps its worth finding out if you can do this.

Usual process is a lot of form filling, then sol writes to him advising that you are issuing divorce proceedings. In order to do this, they need about 5 paragraphs of incidents of UB. He then has to acknowledge receipt, and is advised to get himself a sol. Then the petitioner's sol prepares the divorce petition, which goes to court. Respondent gets a copy to acknowledge and return. At about same time the lengthy but vital Form E - full financial disclosures are completed by both parties. This is the point I'm at now - it's taken about 3 months to get to this stage (mine is done, ex is stalling, saying it'll take him a couple of months - my sol now threatening court if he doesn't complete in 14 days). Also, he has mysteriously never received the petition from the courts for acknowledgement. My sol doubts this, so has sent him a sealed one to his sol, who will give it to him personally.

So things do seem to move quickly, then there's a lull - then things move quickly again. As petitioner you can drive the pace somewhat - so remember to do things as quickly/slowly as suits you.

It is, as Mathanx says a rollercoaster - but you'll be fine, and we'll help as much as we can. And remember, like any good rollercoaster - there are great highs too!

Drfay don't have anything else to add to the wonderful advice here ^ but want to say how well I think you're doing even when you think you're not.

Your courteousness isn't a sign of stupidity - it's a sign of who you are, a thoughtful and respectful woman. But in the case of your twunty stbx it's wasted - and that's his problem, not yours now.

Drfay you CAN do this!

I have been with my DH for 14 years and I can't imagine what it must be like to suddenly have to treat him as a potential threat to my security and happiness after being best friends for so long.

Everytime he does something shitty it will only spur you on and strengthen your resolve to protect yourself.

Your hair looks fab by the way......I can tell by the way you type

you can do this !! come on you will have good days and bad day's but as the saying goes "Whats for you won't go bye ye" keep positive one day at a time HUGS XXXXXX

Haha RedAmberGreen but yes smiling coyly hair IS fab! I feel better for it too.

Thanks so much everyone. Saffysmum, that run down of the process helped a lot. I have a 5 day cooling off period if I decide I do not like the sol but this is a good firm with a good rep and a good friend of mine (went through a particularly nasty divorce) used them and was satisfied. I am also sorry that you are having some strife with your situation.

I feel very unsettled and nervous this morning. Dropped off the kids to school (DS will have to walk next week when I start work but it is not far; he is just lazy) and I am still reading through the material sol sent me. I think I am nervous because I am actually doing something now. I cannot continue like this; limbo land. But I am so scared

He came home last night as I was serving dinner (later on tuesdays as DS has rock climbing). I asked him if he wanted any (courtesy) and he retorted I sent you a text to say I did not want dinner! OK. So the kids and I ate and then I had made strawberries dipped in choc for pudding. (Strawberries are very cheap and good here in Bris at the mo). DD asked if we needed 4 bowls and I said no as he is not eating dinner. They were delish. Then He noticed what we were eating and looked annoyed. Well, sorry, if you are not eating dinner, you are not eating dinner! Petty I know..

I spoke to him to ask him if he was going to be around this weekend. He is. I am going out for dinner on Friday with some girlfriends and he is going to feed the DC and DD's friend who is here for a sleepover.

I also asked him if he was going to do anything about the extra car. We now have 3 cars!! He has bought himself a brand new car (through work but still will cost!) and we have my car (9years old - this will be sold) and his old car (2 years old) which I am now driving. The car to be sold needs a safety certificate before it can be advertised. We also have to do our tax. We need this money to go to the Visa bill. He was very sulky and just said yes yes...I also said why did he not just let us know he was staying over. He said he did not know til late. BUT he took clean clothes and his sponge bag. I pointed this out and he just stared at me. I know I shouldn't have continued on about it but well...you know..

See I think that if I do not go to the sol and do something, this dreadful stage of him dropping in and out and doing fuck all is going to go on and on. I cannot do this. I have to be organised for my job starting next week. Organised with the kids, food, house well..everything. He is fucking up my plans by being so well...himself really.

He is away on the 19th-31 to visit his parents in Norwich (also going to Ireland for work but this way work is paying for his trip: he gets everything..bitter) and that will be good. Hopefully the apartment will be ready for him in the Gold Coast.

I spoke to DS in the car last night and said look you might need to think about how we do stuff. I need some help to be organised round the house. He said (bless him, the darling) just ask me anything and I will do it. I told him dad was getting a flat in the GC and he said well it will be too hard for me to go to school there. I said well yes. I am expecting that you and your sister will be with me mostly. I said you know that is what I want anyway. We all need to sit down together to work things out. All four of us. But no. Dithering seems to be the name of the game here.

Right, I have blethered on here a bit. Sorry. But I do find it immensely helpful and I hope to look back on this thread and see that yes, I have come through this. Also if it helps someone else going through similar, well, then all to the good.

Once again, thank you all, those who post and those who lurk. This is one of my life lines at the moment.

Back to sol's papers!

Good luck at the solicitors DrFay, got fingers crossed for you X

A quick post as it is very late here.

Solicitor was great! Just great. She was practical and so on the ball. I am so fecking glad I went to see her.

Thanks so much for the collective kick up the arse regarding that.

Grateful much?

You betcha!

great news, well done you!

So glad it went well X

Me too, drfay, well done!

I am so pleased that it all went well DrFay xxx Norwich is only a couple of hours drive for me -Ill drive down when he is there and slap him with a wet fish for you xxxxx

MAPAM, I am a RL friend of drfayray. While in Norwich, could you please hit him around the head with a wet fish a few times for me too?

Although, I think a wet fish is too kind. I would be more prone to a hammer!

I am glad it went well. Thinking of you.

Mapam and Foggy - I can top both of you! I live in Norwich!! And I have friends in very low places - so tell me what to get and I'll sort him out! He won't know what's hit him! (literally!).

Oh my! The in-laws and SIL live there! Small world eh? I used to spend a lot of time in Norwich when I lived in Sheffield. It is a beautiful city. Oh my..(Old Costessey is where PIL reside...do you know it?)

Well the sol I saw was great. We starting discussing settlement and I had all the paperwork on me. I really liked her. And I do not feel queasy about the money anymore as it needs to be done.

She will be writing him a letter asking him for his payslips and superannuation details. I have to give her some information (2 out of 3 already done) and I asked her if I should be scared. SHe said, no, everything will be ok.

Sigh...relief...

Since June 13th is when ABCKF said he no longer wanted to be married etc etc, sol said on June 14 2012 D.I.V.O.R.C.E.!!

She inspired me with confidence. When I left her office, I felt like my burdens had been lifted.

Today, I had on a bright green floral brooch and a nice necklace. My new hair looks great and I had makeup on and looked happy. As my friends who saw me said. I am moving on.

And yes, I fully expect problems when he gets the letter and etc and having to split stuff, sort out settlement BUT for now, I feel liberated.

Which is what sol said.

Oh I mentioned to her as I was leaving that I knitted my rage and despair. She said, startled, that when she was separating from her husband, everyone in the office got a scarf! We bonded over that.

Thanks so much you dear women for your kind support.

It means so much to me.

this knitting thing is quite a phenomenon!

Glad you feel reassured by your sol drfay, she'll see you right.

Sounds like you've got a great solicitor Drfay, as Wisey says, she'll see you right.

We live close to the centre - can see cathedral spire from bedroom window!

Know Old Costessey - colleague at work has a lovely little cottage there. Small world, innit?

I like knitting away the rage...especially handy to make scarves to enjoy dark strangulation fantasies at appropriate moments:)

Oh yes, I agree merry. Every time I get a surge I undo what I've done (which isnt much because I'm so slow) and start casting on again.

OMG knitting on this thread too...? I get that you fabulous women are needing/wanting to knit, and I certainly can't judge...but I think you should start your own knitting forum....I just can't relate, but I want to keep going on the other stuff, which I find so interesting and fulfilling...

PS: Drfay - well done on the sols...

Just wanted to say I have found this thread ( and all of you!) pretty inspirational. i'm not quite in this position yet but anticipate being (due to H's "friendship" with OW young enough to be his daughter!).
Carry on the good work DrFayRay and continue to be strong. x

Kaelle, I have such gorgeous scarves knitted by drfay

Feeling a bit left out as I have two left feet when it comes to knitting -- I gardened my way through my own upside down and inside out days. Felt good to have a nice heavy shovel in my hands...

Bet it did mathanx

How are you feeling today Drfay?

It is a small world! Re: knitting (very sharp needles akin to heavy shovels...could take an eye out or...scrotum ) musing...the size 3 needles could just fit in the ole third eye

Thanks everyone. I had a low evening yesterday, I must admit. Of course the reason was he came back at night. He says nothing when there is so much to sort but I am leaving it to sol. My MIL sent me a msg on FB last night, to say that ABCKF had told her that 'you both blame each other". Remember she knows the whole sad story...but that is what he told her. That made me so angry. I did not want this; HE did not want to be married anymore. He had the affair - sorry - IS STILL having the affair. Cunting bastard! So I am thinking...when he goes back to Norwich and sees his family, he will rewrite history. I am livid..seething

I got the cheque from my parents today and went to desposit it. I then had an excellent chat with a financial planner. She was just great. I told her part of the sad story and how now I wanted to be in charge of my own money and save etc etc. She spent a good hour helping me. Gave me a lot of things to think about re: setting up on my own. She said she thought I was doing very well! Validation from strangers. It helps.

I feel quite good right this minute. I had a lovely few hours with my beloved son. We had lunch (he is having a day off school as he over did it at sports and it was a gala day at school so no lessons) and then went to a second hand store to buy records. He is into collecting old records and we just had a great time.

I am trying to sort out all sorts of stuff. I want to be really organised with my new life.

The sooner he and his shitey shitty shit is out of this house the better.

A nice little episode: I went to the Post Office to collect my registered letter and a nice guy said to the PO person, Let the young (!) lady go first. I said, I am not young (feel a 142 at the mo: see how specific I am too ) and he said well, you certainly are gorgeous! Now that WAS nice. And haha, he was not old nor BLIND so you know...all good!

I feel like I am on the cusp of something. I want things to move along. I want him gone. I want to sell the house. I want my money. I want the fucker gone out of my life. There is a theme; keep up .

So tonight, my DS has his girl friend over and DD has a friend for a sleepover. I am going out to dinner with some good girlfriends. Looking forward to it! I am taking the kids out on Sat evening to the local theatre and on Sunday into the city with DS. I am keeping busy with good fun things. I start the new job on Monday so that will be fantastic.

Ah...DrFayRay, blethering on as usual!

Thanks again for the support. I look at this thread constantly; it gives me courage and strength.