Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

I remember having some great kilpatricks in the bar / restaurant under the bridge in Brizzy :)

How's everything DrFay? Hope all is well with you and your family.Best wishes

Thanks for asking carantala. I have been super busy and have not had time to check here. Nor have I looked at the other threads I usually follow; B&A, Wisey, Saffy. So sorry for that.

Things are just going so well.

Work is wonderful; doing really well and bosses very happy with me. I love it so much. I had to give a presentation of my project last week and the colleague who introduced me said, we all know how Dr FayRay has lit up our workplace!! How lovely is that?

On the Men front, I have two dates with two different blokes at the end of the month. Cannot do anything until then as my deadlines for work are too tight. Also fecker has not seen the kids for 4 weeks due to stupidity, poor planning and overseas trips. But that is ok.

I am very excited about both dates. One is with a really handsome guy who is a business broker and he is very taken with me..The other is with a tradie who is also very cute (amazing body...fit!!!) and also very taken with me. And both are younger!!!!

I have lost a heap of weight, my skin looks fantastic and I just shine! I saw fecker yesterday as he had to pick up more of his crap and he looked old and unkempt. I, however, looked vair hot! He stared really hard at me. I looked at him and went off to do some errands so I wouldn't have to see his saddo face. That was interesting. i have been going to the gym prac every day and it shows.

I have been having regular massages at a day spa (every Sunday..fuck the price) and feel supple and limber. I am hoping that my dates end up striking gold so being supple will help.

I have to dust the cobwebs off me nether regions though....

Ooh - what a treat to read.

You are sounding gorgeous. I know what you mean about ABCKF looking old and unkempt - I was looking at photos the other day and there was H and I just thought how old (and unattractive) he looked.

Hah! This place we've reached really is OK isn't it DrFay?

xx

Dr Fay,

You sound brilliant! I am so pleased for you. Excellent news about your two dates. Are you worried that your fanjo is a bit dusty? Treat it to some pampering as well. I am not suggesting that you need to, ahem, 'envelope' a feather duster or anything (Jesus, the tickling....), but a bit of topiary of whatever degree suits (Brazilian, Hollywood?) and regular 'fanjo massages' will give you confidence about what you want and what feels nice.

Of course, I fully expect you to be banging like a barn door in a force 11 gale in due course, but then, you already know that, Dr Fay.....

Betty X

Darling B&A. Yes..it is a wondrous place. I feel so happy.

Thanks Betty. As always I have to stifle a giggle at your name. . And yes it will be a veritable gale force....

Today, for the first time in years, i wore a dress and some sling back wedges. It was 31 degrees and hot! I felt marvellous and everyone at work said I looked wonderful. Glamorous my boss said! Even the technie guy said I looked really good.

My uh...so called potential men are going well. I have a def date on the 2nd and one on the 4th. With different blokes.

Work is a bit manic but all going well.

LIfe is vair good. Marvellous.

Couldn't be better.

Lovely women on here, filled with sadness and despair...please take heart from my experiences. It WILL get better. Just git a holt of yer courage and walk into the sunshine. It will be ok.

It really will.

XxX

FayRay

Hi DrFAY,
thrilled to hear you are moving on ... in your new buff body .

Just an update to say i too have made moves in the dating dept but am now seriously starting to over analyse... and have started to lurk on dating threads (will this MN fascination ever end now).

Just be wary DrFay, it's very hard to get your head in the right place I think. I know to an extent I am looking for a replacement (well not exactly you understand, but I miss the friendship, the understanding.... and the sex) , but that isn't something I am going to find easily and am desperately trying not to have high expectations (whilst secretly hoping). This is all a bloody game.

Just take your time, see it for what it is and don't expect too much. Even more complicated at this time of life (issues with XW,DCs etc, just a bloody nightmare).

Good to hear you are in a good place though, I didn't think I would be here 6 months ago and feeling that there is a life to be had.

Let us know how the dates go.....

Dear DrFay,

Do you realise that you are not going to be alone on your dates? There will be hundreds, if not thousands, of MNs there with you mentally!

Good luck! We will all be waiting to see how you get on!

Just read your amazing thread from start to finish DrFay. After 2 painful years with my head in the sand, you've really inspired me.

Best of luck to you.

Just come back to mumsnet - not been here since the summer - but I remember reading this post then - OP, so pleased to hear than things are going well for you. Some of you here may remember that I found out my own H had been cheating on me for a couple of months - OW lives in same town and is married with kids. It devastated both families. I intially thought I would try and work things out with H but then decided that the trust was gone. Also, whilst I could possibly forgive, I realised I would never forget.

Well, it has been tough but I am in a much better place now. DC are settled and happy which has always been my main concern in all this.

Work has been fantastically supportive and it gives me a focus and a sense of purpose each day.

I have pushed myself to go out even when I felt like hiding away. DD and I are off to Lapland together next month and I am off to Italy early next year for a mini break with some good female friends.

As for H, he continues to bleat about how he never intended to leave me (yes, he just intended to cheat on me), how hard he found the counselling he had (the nasty counsellor woman suggested that he caused all of this and was now reaping the consequences of his actions), how he realises what a massive mistake he made, how much he has lost, how much he misses me and DC, how much of a manipulative bitch OW is (probably the only thing he has right) and how DC and I were the best thing to ever happen to him. So yes, he is still thinking about himself, painting himself as the victim and failing to take resposibility for his actions.

Enough time has passed that I am starting to see him for the idiot he is. Why did I waste so many tears over such a ridiculous and unpleasant individual.

I now have a new mantra: 'Being alone is far better than being together in an unhappy relatioship, once a cheat, always a cheat and if I think this is all I deserve, then I am wrong because I deserve so much more'.

What a wonderful post brokenlady.

It was posts like these that kept me going during my bleakest times. I truly believed that it would get better because women like us posted here not just about the bad times but the good times too. And times are very good now.

Your mantra is so very true. When the scales fall away from our eyes we see these pathetic individuals trying to recapture their youth in the most pitiful and damaging way, don't we?

My lovely DrFay you are an inspiration, you really are, and thank you popping over to post on my thread!

Can't wait to hear about your dates . I think you need to schedule "MN Update" in your diary so you remember to squeeze us in!

Take care.

B&A xxx

Absolutely BEFORE! My H suggests that he found it very hard turning 40, that this sordid little affair was just escapism and an ego boost for him. But is hurt me and DC so much

I want to address all of you dear posters.

Wisey, first of all I am so pleased you are dipping the proverbial...and do not worry. I am not looking for a replacement. What I am looking for (to be blunt) is faaaabulous sex with handsome buff men. And I believe that in less than two weeks that might be happening. I get a lot of different things from the people around me and am not fussed about getting husband like features...from these men. I feel quite in control and these guys are totally smitten. It is wonderful. They think I am beautiful, exotic and exciting. And guess what? I am!

Carantala: Yes I kinda think I will not be alone!Haha...

emanother: darling, I am glad you are getting something from my thread. Please do remember, it will get better, it really will.

brokenlady: please change your name! You are not broken. Not at all. It sounds very much like you are well on your way to being fixed.

Dearest B&A: thank you. I do appreciate your comments. I feel very strong and powerful. Even though there are set backs I refuse to let them get me down.

I am so looking forward to meeting these men. They are both gorgeous in different ways and both younger than me! And both very smitten. Which can I say is fantastic. My self-esteem is up there with the angels! I feel wonderful.

I get sexy texts and emails all the time. Actually one of them seems like he might end up a good friend which is nice. He is lovely. The other, all I can say is grrrrroooowl! That is enough for me. I have plenty of friends....

Work is busy but super good. I love it so much. And am doing very well. Oh and our house sold so am sorting out settlement with my sol. Hopefully things will move on soon.

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts and interest. I cannot believe I was the person who started this thread.

I am so much better.

I am a single, awesome, beautiful woman who can cope..nay, soar on her own.

Hi DRFAY,
Are you going to fess up about the dates, we are all in suspense!

Haha..Owly. Been a bit busy.

Well, one did not work out but it is ok. The other? Well, uh..let's say we have an understanding and it is an excellent one. VERY good. VERY VERY good.

I am also meeting another lovely guy for coffee in the hippest part of town on Thursday after work. He is a muso and looks very cool and funky. He is my age. We chatted on the phone for ages and got on really well. If nothing comes of this, I hope to make a friend at least.

My weight loss and exercise regime has been going so well. i have lost 17kilos and had my hair cut dramatically. So much so I have had gasps of admiration and surprise. Does this mean I was a dag before? sigh...

I have also started wearing contacts again. This makes my eyes pop out cos I now have a fringe. All in all going well.

Work is full on and I am enjoying it very much.

Sold the house and now waiting for sol to sort out settlement.

Life is good. Especially in certain physical aspects. So nice to find a man who is quite quite happy to make one happy first.

Dear DrFay - What a terrific post! We've all been waiting for your news!

High fives and best wishes!

You lost 17kg?

You sound really happy, well done you!

DrFay definitely has lost 17 kg and looks absolutely gorgeous!! Stunning in fact.

Thanks darling foggyfig. I have uploaded some pix on my profile page for those curious about me.

Oh and I have the coffee date with the muso after work today. I am looking forward to it. He seems really nice.

My word, Dr Fay, your profile pics show a very foxy laydeee.

Excellent news about the dates. Is the date you were referring to likely to be a regular FB then? The medical professionals do say to have 20 minutes of anaerobic activity three times a week....

Us MN cheerleaders continue to support you!

Go, Dr Fay, go!

Betty x

Haha Thanks Betty!

Well the FB didn't work out. He has met a girl and feels that it would not be right to be dating someone and uh..seeing me. Shame but there you go. I was not bothered. I didn't want him for his conversation...

The muso date went very well. He is gorgeous! Really...I call him the RockStar cos he looks just like one. But I hung back and played it cool as I rather like him and it would be nice if something could come out of this.

He likes me too and would like to see me again.

so we will see.

I have a very quiet weekend coming up. No kids as they are will Scrote. But I am off to Singapore v soon for Christmas and I am looking forward to that.

Oh DrFay you are, indeed, a beauty!

Mind you it took me ages to figure out how to find the pics but I got there in the end.

Sorry about FB but you'll have fun looking for (a) replacement(s)! And 17 kg is phenomenal, truly phenomenal. Congrats.

Thanks B&A.

I have another couple of dates coming up; one with a pastry chef tomorrow and another on Thurs with a bloke I quite liked chatting to on the phone. We laughed a lot so that was good.

I am just getting out there....meeting people and extending my social life. I need to take things a bit slow right now I think...

I hope to see the muso again soon. He was tasty...he had gorgeous tattoos on his arm that I wanted to lick..but I held myself back. He is very shy and sweet..I think that would have scared him somehow...

Hi DrFay!

Have a great Christmas and wishing you a very happy New Year! Go, girl, go - put the past behind you!

Best wishes

Time for an update I reckon.

First of a very Happy New Year to everyone. I hope 2012 will bring us all what we want.

I had a wonderful 16 days back in Singapore with my family and friends. DC loved it. Were spoilt rotten; just what they needed. I caught up with old friends and went out a lot. Laughed and talked and just well had a brilliant time. Now back to reality but it is a good reality. Work is good and I am loving my life.

I have lost 21 kilos and am looking vair sexaay ! No man in the horizon but went on a few dates which did not work out. The guys lie about how they look and well I don't want to short change myself. So I am giving the dating thing a bit of a break. Internet dating does not work for me. Instead my focus is on moving (in a few months) and chucking out a lot of the crap that 24 years has brought me. New start.

I am also starting Latin beginner dance classes next Thursday. Just part of broadening my horizons. I go to the gym v regularly and feel fantastic. My diet is very good; nothing but good goes into me. I look and better wonderful for it. I have a massage, sauna and spa every Sunday and today the therapist (haven't seen her for a few months) gasped in astonishment when she saw me. My hair, my attitude, my body...all different. Best bit? She thought I was 32! Haha I will be 50 in March too.

The scrote is pushing for a quick settlement and I have yet to see his offer. I reckon my sol will be sorting it out soon. So that is moving forwards. Divorce in mid June; a year after formal separation.

My children and I have a very solid understanding now. They really do not want to spend too much time with their father. I think they cannot forgive what he has done. Scrote also introduced the KK to them (Kayaking Kunt; the woman who was happy to fuck a very married man) and I was not happy about that. But nothing I can do. But I felt for the children. .

I cannot believe how things have changed. I am so happy with myself and in myself. The children are good. We three are a very tight unit; a happy family. He has lost so much but it was his choice.

It would be lovely to meet a bloke but this time I am not going to settle for shite. A handsome (nice for a change ) fit guy would be most welcome, thank you!

I just wanted to update so people who were there for me know that I am ok; more than ok actually...super fantastic!!

And others who find themselves in this situation? Please...know that there is hope. Always.

XX
DrFayRay