Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

That is so true epicfail. The words (so wise) of these lovely MNers have kept me going. I keep looking at the posts and they give me courage.

He was supposed to tell the children last night. I have been accused of being controlling, so I did not initiate the conversation. I waited and waited....nothing. Then the DC went to bed. I just gave up. I sat and watched the TV for a bit. He just said I am going to bed as I have to go early and that was it.

I am not sure what to do...do I tell them myself? They know something is up.

I went to bed and whilst on my iPhone (looking at MN) found that he had sent me an email re: financial settlement. It was very formal. I have yet to look at the spreadsheet.

I confess, that made me break down; I cried (nothing new for me at the moment really) then some words that someone here said...time to move on. He is gone and there is no point. I need to live my life the best I can.

This morning I woke up early, and my DS and I took the dog for a walk. DS ran and Sophie pulled me! I am overweight (have put on a lot since the whole thing) and do not want to be anymore. Every time I feel wretched, I want to focus on myself and do something positive.

I have to stop focussing on the number 24. So what? Just a number. I need also to detach myself, be cool and civil. More advice from here.

Again, I do apologise for the brain dump but it helps me so. And I am so very grateful for all of you who have taken the time to post with your experiences.

I need to accept my situation and make it good for me.

I have just told my parents and their response has astounded me. For some strange reason I thought they would be angry with me as they are very fond of him. But no. I am their daughter after all. Feel a burden lifting.

Maybe I can do it. Maybe it will be ok?

Well done drfay that is another burden off your back. of course your parents love and support you. They will have loved your husband only because he belonged to you, now he doesn't, they will still love you. No way would they have taken his side.

You will tell the children when it is the right time to tell them.

'focus on myself' is the mantra. You need to get yourself in a good place to come out fighting for your rights, and mostly for your DCs future.

We are all here to help

I have been accused of being controlling - classic. Then he sends an email (from a safe distance of course) detailing a 'financial settlement'.

So who's the controlling one here then? Ignore it until you have proper legal advice and tell him you'll consider what he's saying in your own time, don't let him bounce you into any decision, there's lots of time to imagine a future settlement which suits you and what you want. Mine did exactly the same, he had the future all mapped out in his delusions of grandeur and 'generosity'. It hasn't worked and now my XH is shitting himself that I'm the one in the driving seat.

Your parents are doing what any loving parents would do. They are gathering beside you because it's true, they loved him because you loved him and now he's betrayed your marriage they're there for you. Use their support, let them make a fuss of you.

keep going, you're going to be fine.

For the first time in seven months, I feel a bit of peace. Telling my parents has been the best thing. I am ashamed that I thought they would be angry with me. Also I think that by telling them, I had to admit to myself that it really was over. The final nail in this coffin.

My dad rang again tonight. He was so lovely. He told me to be cool and calm, not to cry and scream. He also said that if I needed any financial help I was to ask. How very kind. I felt safe and like a child again. It was a nice feeling. I also do not feel so alone. They are both in Singapore so I am really alone here. But I do have very good friends nearby.

They WERE angry with me though...for not telling them sooner so that they could support me.

Re: the so called financial stuff, I have sent it to two very canny friends of mine who will go over it for me. They do not take any crap from anyone and can advise me. I am very lucky.

One of the many lovely posters above said that it was good to tell people, that I would get support and kindness. And it is true. I have been getting wonderful support.

I am going to bed now so that I can wake up to take the dog out again for an early morning walk. Part of my new routine to focus on me.

:)

Good morning Drfayray, I hope you have had a good morning walk and are feeling revved up for your day.

You are sounding more focussed and stronger already - you are doing so well already and that is such a good thing. I am glad that you have told your parents. Isn't it crazy that we are still so nervous about telling them certain things, no matter our age? I bet you cannot imagine not standing by your DCs just as I cannot imagine not standing by my DSDs but somehow when you're the child it's a whole different picture.

I am sure your canny friends are wonderful and do listen to their take on the financial advice but do get legal advice before you agree to anything. You don't want to agree to something which turns out to be less than he is obliged to provide. Sorry to be the cynical voice whispering in your ear but you need to make sure you secure the best possible settlement for the sake of you and your DCs. Follow Wisey's words about not letting yourself be bounced into a decision. Remember, he has been detaching himself from you for some time and will most likely be looking out for himself so he probably thinks he has the upper hand right now. Little does he know that you have the MN crew standing shoulder to shoulder with you.

I have had a brilliant morning, thank you BeforeandAfter! Had a fabulous walk (Sophiedog was delighted and rewarded me by doing two huge dumps ). I took the car in for some servicing and spent a happy (happy? me? who the fuck is this woman!) hour having coffee and browsing in a craft store. Now I have made some leek and potato soup (Julia Child's recipe, no less) as part of my eating better campaign.

I don't get it though. Why is it I actually can smile today? That I do not burst into tears at the thought of the end of the marriage when I used to do that at a drop of a hat during the past 7 months? Very odd. Somehow, by telling my mum and dad, it is like that door is closed BUT a new door is now ajar....and the view is quite tantalising...maybe my future will be so bright I will have to wear shades?

And yes, I will be getting legal advice. My dad told me that too and warned me to be careful.

I will continue posting (and apologies to the brain dumping) as this helps so much. I read this thread with the excellent advice and kind support often.

Thanks.

......losing love
Is like a window in your heart
Everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody sees the wind blow

It can feel so humiliating, like going through life with your pants down around your ankles when people know, but it brings out their love and their care at the same time. When you realise how much people care for you, especially when you have been living with someone who has been so cold and so contemptuous towards you and so utterly selfish, it means so much.

What has been 'wrong' with you up to now is that someone has treated you cruelly and it has crushed you and ground you down. You have been bearing the weight of the hurt the children will feel too. In other words, there is nothing wrong with you at all.

You are a decent, loving woman, a mother and once a wife, and you probably feel that you have had your life plundered in a sense. There is a lot of grieving to do, but also the nurturing of yourself and the little steps forward that will bring you through this in time. You are living in the ruins right now but it can all be rebuilt, or better still, a new structure can replace the old, this time built on your terms.

Very glad to see you will be getting legal advice. You will find that though it may well please your H to imagine he can continue to treat you so callously (he is doing this in order to keep his conscience at bay, making a conscious effort to devalue and demean you and mistreat you and the children) the law says 'not so fast'.

Great posts, B&A and Math, wholeheartedly agree.

Thanks mathanxiety for your thoughtful post. Your words mean a lot. Everyone who has posted here has been so helpful.

I just got some brilliant news though: I GOT THE JOB!!!!

My hands are shaking with excitement! This just means so much to me. I can now be financially secure. It is a great position and exactly right for me. I am so happy.

I cannot believe how things have changed; my feelings about the marriage and everything.

Thats amazing well done!!

Certainly one less thing to worry about, you'll now be financially secure, have regular adult company as well.

I am a lurker but haven't been posting, but high five!!

What a difference a day makes eh! Math, what a beautiful post.

One day you be happy again :)

Congratulations on your job.

I heard a radio story yesterday about 'Collaborative divorce'. Basically it was about how couples who are divorcing decide to be mature and responsible about their financial settlement and their childcare etc, but when the normal lawyers come on board, it's the lawyers who can make things more bitter, more adversarial. The lawyers push their clients to not settle for what has previously seemed reasonable, but push for more money/goods, start labelling each spouse 'unfit parent', etc etc.

Collaborative divorce is, apparently, a way out of this downward spiral. The Collaborative lawyers have an incentive to help facilitate a binding settlement between the divorcing couple, because if the collaborative process all falls apart, and if it ends up in court, then the lawyers have to give up the case and hand their client over to another law firm.

Apparently this process results in each one of the couple being able to listen to each other, and HEAR each other, even though the pain is still there, and works out better (and cheaper) overall.

Wikipeda link here. Looks like it does exist in Australia.

Oh, well done on the new job! That is absolutely brilliant news! You are heading up up up my girl. xx

congratulations on the job. That is wonderful news.

When my marriage ended I grieved horribly for a long time.

Eventually, It helped me not to think of , say 14 years "down the drain" . In fact many of the years had been lovely, and just because the marriage was over it did not mean those years were wasted or did not count. I hope this makes some sense

Oh what wonderful and such well timed news!!

You see, this is testimony to what we can do even in the worst of circumstances.

Many congratulations drfay, well deserved and just what the 'dr' ordered!

as still delirious with news about job.

Thanks so much to everyone. And jasper, I am trying to do just that. Not think oh 24 years in the toilet but no, I had some good times (more than bad), two incredible children and education. STBXH (now I can say this) was very supportive of my studies and actively encouraged me.

I am very angry though...re: children. He was supposed to tell them on Sunday but just did not. I mentioned something to DS when he congratulated me (we were in car as I was picking him up after rock climbing) and I said well, things have changed now. And his face :(, shuttered and so sad like a small child. I positively HATED STBXH then. I did not say anymore.

Last night I took the kids out to celebrate my job and we had a brilliant time. Laughed and laughed. Then later on, DS wanted me to keep him company while he played on his Wii in the pad. DD joined us too. All three of us (well four really if you include mad dog) had a cosy sweet time, chatting and laughing. They both seemed very needy as well they should be I guess. He needs to tell them. I hate him for doing this to the children. But I am hoping that they will be ok as they always have me.

My new job begins on the 1st of August (oh happy day ) and I have a list of things I want to achieve before that. Mostly of the houseworky kind (shudder) and also stocking up the freezer with some meals.

I need to also sort out what I need to know to survive; just stuff that he used to take care of before the marriage ended. I want to make sure that I am empowered and strong. I need to do this for the children and myself.

I have stopped crying. My eyes are not looking so bleurgh anymore.

Also, from a chat I had with an old school friend on FB, I am now invoking the spirit of Godzilla. (Darling pix of Godzy is my FB profile atm). I am roaring and stamping about everywhere (metaphorically speaking....well so far...give me time ).

I am so grateful to the wonderful MNers who have helped me so much.

Thank you.

ohhh, inspiring post !

loving it, well done you !

.

The girls done good.

Well done on your new job :)

You will be surprised how much your take on life's going to change now with that.

Yes, you are already showing a lo of resolve. Great! Keep your dignity, that is, don't beg him. Look after yourself; eat wells and get lots o exercise; maybe take up jogging/ walking. Join exercise class or play a team sport. Warm wishes

oooh, great job news. Congratulations:)

Thanks to you all for your good wishes. I do appreciate them.

Having a bit of a wobble today :( He is coming back today (taking DS to theatre for school trip) and is away tomorrow again. I have been feeling very strong and calm. He has not rung but did text re: finances and bills etc. I was very civil and just matter of fact. I just hope that the screaming banshee will not pop out (think John Hurt and Alien...)

I am hoping that he will talk to the children.

Wish me luck.

Just catching up - well done on the job - fantastic news! How did yesterday go - did he talk to the kids?