Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

lurker here. OP, you are an inspiration. It has been wonderful to witness your transformation over just 4 pages. Well done girl, well done, well done.

Sometimes I think these, what was it, ABCKF (yep, that about sums him up) should be SUED for defamation or some such thing. Breach of contract, slander, desertion. It's one thing to want to leave a marriage, quite another to treat your life partner with undisguised contempt. I hope you realise df that he is the contemptuous one. Ah yes, you do - hence ABCKF

One thing I would just say here though - please never ever let him see your hurt or vulnerability. re "I said I was struggling coping with everything". He is not your friend, he is your enemy: never let him see your underbelly. I'm afraid I talk from experience here OP. From now on in try to be straight to the point, businesslike; not nice, not nasty (def not nasty because he will win in the nastiness stakes and say/do things that will floor you). Never let him see that you are hurting or struggling. He may have been a narcissist before, I can't know, but he is definitely displaying narcissistic characteristics now. Narcissists are deadly, have no regret or conscience. You can't afford to let them see any weakness.

I know that's hard to pull off when he has been your friend and life partner for half your life but try to perfect it. You must cut off from him. When is he moving out? You do so well when he is not in the house. I also think he may be in for a shock when he realises how much this divorce is going to cost him! hahahahahahahaha. no wait - hahahahahahaha. Less of the 'you can pay your own rent' etc. oh my, he's in for an almighty shock.

But don't warn him eh? Let him find out at the right time, when you have it all prepared and ready and your defence is perfectly in place.

oh my, oh my

dr not df - doh. That'll be Dr won't it. oh gosh

Oh you lot are just fabulous! Thanks so much for the posts. I check in here v regularly; a lifeline as I said before.

Saffysmum, as always, you floor me. Yes. I have the name of a solicitor that my good friend used in her divorce. Very good apparently.

And springydaffs, you are right. I need to remember he is not my friend anymore. The partner I could share everything with. He is my enemy.

And haha..I have a PhD hence the dr.

Example of how he thinks some things are normal. He sent me an email today, about some gossip re: his former boss taking a new position. I don't care anymore. Why tell me? Why not tell OW? I did not bother to reply.

He just avoids all these important issues regarding the DC. DD and I had a bit of a chat when she returned from school. She said that ABCKF has not been interested in them for ages. She said when she talks to him, he goes..uhuh, uhuh, uhuh then she said did you hear what I said?? He goes what??? She rolled her eyes. She said she does not care if she doesn't see him much as she already doesn't anyway. I am sad by this. Really really sad .

DC are great kids. Just great. And he just doesn't get it. He wants to swan about kayaking and going out and ignoring two wonderful children.

Another bit of amusement for you lovely women. The OW is into kayaking which is one of the ways they 'got together'. In one of his missives to her (think 14 year old spotty teen) he calls her KK. Kreative Kim. (Fecker cannot spell!). Well I call her the Kayaking Kunt. Fetching, no?

I am now working on an A-Z of terms about ABCKF. Thanks WisedupWoman for that idea. Will post when done.

Arf at KK!!

Its definately a sign that he is living in cockoo ABCKF land that he still thinks its ok to share gossip with you!!

Put up those barriers. Cut contact. you'll need to put up the emotional defenses for when he starts working out all this isn't going his way.

You have come such a long way in such a short time but you will be very vulnerable and open to mood swings for a long old while. I am so utterly impressed with what you have done and how great your DD is being. Keep going and MN is always here to get you through the low points!

Thanks MigratingCoconuts! MN is keeping me sane.

From a comment by WisedUpWoman, this amused me this evening...

At a loss for words to describe the pathetic behaviour of your so-called husband? The so-called husband who decides that he doesn't want to be married anymore? The so-called husband who treats you with contempt? The so-called husband who treats your beloved children like they do not matter? Never fear...with DrFayRay's Alphabetical Guide to naming your so-called Husband, you will NEVER be at a loss for a descriptive word or ten.....

A is for Adulterous
B is for Bastard
C is for Cuntknob
D is for Dickhead
E is for Egotistical
F is for Fuckarse
G is for Gutterslut
H is for Hopeless
I is for Idiot
J is for Joke
K is for Knucklehead
L is for Loser
M is for Mingeface
N is for Numbnuts
O is for Obnoxious
P is for Prick
Q is for Quimby (hahaha...this means he resembles a turd!)
R is for Ratshit
S is for Schmuck
T is for Twattish
U is for Unbelievable
V is for Vainglorious
W is for Wanker
X is for Xylocarpic (has a hard woody exterior now..the bastard!)
Y is for Yfrontedskidmarks
Z is for Zilch (my feelings for him now..)

I'm particularly liking Quimby, a description which most aptly describes ABCKF.
Twunt for T, I think. Excellent work Dr.

Why thank you epicfail .

In a lot of hurt and pain but strangely...this helps a teeny tiny bit.

Lovin' the new alphabet dr

So like my SHL said you have to hope for the best with these boys, but plan for the worst. Yep, she's right, you do, same as my sol advised me - "even the most apparently reasonable men suddenly become very different, especially when their stbxw's take control".

Mine did - got a terrible attack of the vapours from which he doesn't yet appear to have recovered -but it doesn't stop him from being a bastard.

Keep going, you can do this.

Do you think you can get that printed up as a wall chart like they have in toddler bedrooms??

DrFay that is one fantabulous chart.

No longer will I count sheep during the heartbreak hours of sleeplessness but I will count sheepish H's and name each one of them using your inspired A-Z.

LOL at 'Y' (at the whole list really). Just think, all this is for KreativeKim to look forward to.

ABCKF is back from his trip. He came back late. DS was in the loo, DD asleep and I was downstairs in the study. He said hello? In a plaintive voice. No one replied. He came downstairs and said hello again. I just said oh. Hi. What does he expect. Then he is chatty and tells me all about this app on his iPhone. WTF is he playing at? I do not care. I want him out so I do not have to see his scurvy face anymore. I say nothing.

I then ask if he is away tomorrow ( for kids and dinner - I cannot be so rude and not have dinner for him in front of DC) he says yes. I say good. He then says Thanks in a bitter way!! And then says I am not going to discuss my plans if you are being sarky!! I just replied with. Let's not pretend here. You do not want to be here and I do not want you here.

I am growing this cage of ice around my heart.

I am seeing my new bosses tomorrow. I will not be starting my new job until the 8th- HR. That is ok as I need time to be ready.

Kids seem to be ok. Son is full of plans about his subject choices for next year and plans for a gap year. I am keeping a close eye on him. DD is fine. She is being very sweet. I love them both so much and think what an absolute wanker ABCKF is to do this to them.

Bastard.

ABCKF is a double bastard Drfay - and the sooner he Ps off the better - grow the ice and stay cold and strong to him - why they think we will be happy to have a nice chat when they have just turned us over is beyond me .. oh no sorry I forget they are utterly self absorbed and everyone elses world revolves only around them. Your kids are very astute and they will get this too.
You are a bright lovely funny women and you have a new job and opportunities coming your way - I may have only temporarily relinquished my kleenex queen crown and still have wobbly knees but I will be offering you a hand to hold on the 8th xxxxx

DrFay, you have so much going for you, you sound gorgeous and funny and very clever (and good at writing). You have plenty of time for success in your career now too. Your husband won't realise what he's lost til it is gone, unfortunately for him.

Why is he still coming back to the house? Is there a legal way you can just get him to live elsewhere?

DrFay I'm new to this thread, I think you are amazing! By the time he realises what he's lost, you will be in your new fabulous job with the realisation that this is a whole new exciting chapter in your life.

Good luck to you!

Bastard indeed

Thanks MAPAM and Allinabinbag for posting. And for the kind words about me. My self-esteem has taken a big beating and I appreciate these comments.

MAPAM, yes. I do not get that. Like everything is how it was before. It makes me want to shriek like a banshee. But I do not. I just turn into myself.

Allinabinbag, at the moment he is just coming back the odd day or weekend. He works in another state. He also pays the rent as I have been unemployed for a year. He also wants to see the kids. BUT I notice that he certainly does not let his plans interfere with his children. Last weekend he went away to Hobart for work. BUT he took the weekend to have a 'break'. Cos you know....things are so hard for him...poor didums. Fucking Bastard.

And this weekend, he is again not coming back until Sunday. He has his 'Camping" Event on. My DD has this big school dance on Saturday and he really should be around to take her and bring her home. But nah....he doesn't want to bust a gut getting back on Saturday as the 'event' finishes at 4 pm. I just looked at him and said don't worry.

At least he is not back until Sunday. He wanted to be back tonight I reckon that my icy 'sarky' demeanour put him off. Sadly there is a big conference in the city on Monday-Friday and he will be around. Fucking Bastard.

We have to sell the car, do our tax and sort out some finances to clear our Credit Card debt so he needs to be around. Unfortunately.

BUT I feel ok. Have not cried at all for ages. Actually have a spare box of Kleenex .....

Today, I have to see my new bosses as they want to define my role. Then I see my psychologist. I have a lot to tell her. I also need tips on how to keep it all together when I start work and things move towards divorce.

I am feeling more confident about things. I hope that this feeling stays for a bit...but I realise that there will be down times too.

Oh just saw your post RedAmberGreen. Thanks. Yes...he is a Bastard but you know a special sort...

An Adulterous Bastard Cuntknob of a Fuckarse.

They have like a special mark on their Mingeface...think mark of Cain....Indeed.

humour gets you through the difficult times and you've definately got a good sense of humour.

Living day to day seems to be working for me atm. I saw my new bosses yesterday and it was lovely! They said they were so pleased that I was joining their centre and were really nice. The work is going to be demanding but you know...I can cope with that.

I also saw my psychologist and she was really happy with the way I was going. She said I seemed happy and she was really pleased for me re: job, ring, telling parents and children and no antidepressants.

Something she said really resonated with me. Do not fortune tell. I cannot predict how things will turn out. So don't. I seem to spend a lot of time worrying about how people will react, how I am going to cope etc etc. I guess we cannot help doing that but it really is not helpful. So I am going to stop...well try really hard anyway.

I have a whole heap of things to do before I begin the job on the 8th. I am focussing on that. ABCKF is not back until Sunday but when he does get back, no one will be home. DD and I are going to a friend's birthday party and DS out with his friends. It is so peaceful and lovely when he is not here. Everyone is happy and calm. This is the way to go.

I get moments of real sadness when I think of how we used to be. However, I give myself a metaphorical slap and move on. Enough time spent on that already.

The sadness will need to work its way out of your system, there is no doubt of that. But in a controlled bit by bit way where you understand the pain and keep on top of it is healthy. Its all part of the healing.

And I'm liking the bit where you should try not to predict how others will react or what will happen. That way is the path to madness . day to day is very good.

Bumping for Kaelle.

In a similar situation so marking my place. STBEH moved out yesterday.

Who's Kaelle? Sorry, can't work out who it is.

Anyway DrFay you are sounding magnificent, a trojan. God help this 'man' (though, let's not be too generous eh - man would suggest human). I am loving your anger - so healthy. Long may it continue (iyswim..)

When is the mingeface moving out?

Oh oopsies...Kaelle is a MNer who wanted to see this thread. She is giving good advice to MAPAM who is going through similar. Together in adversity, eh?

Well I am shattered! Just finished making 4 giant pizzas and choc dipped strawbs for beloved DS and his mates. They are having a sleepover later. We have converted the verandah into a teenpad and his friends love it! Very retro and Austin Powers . I love having the kids' friends over and cooking for them. I want to have the sort of house where they feel comfortable and happy. DS has invited his girlfriend and she is very pretty! I have been warned not to stare too much .

I am doing well! ABCKF has not contacted us (fecking annoyed cos of kids but..) and I feel strong and in control. I am looking forward to starting my job on the 8th but have already written an abstract for a conference they are having in December. My boss wanted me to be part of it. I am also part of the reviewing team all good!

Mingeface leaving? Dunno. Soon I hope. Sadly he will be back on Sunday and here for the week as there is a conference on in the city. But he will be ignored. I have a lot to do next week in prep for full time work.

I really feel like I am moving on...I have plans for moving things around in the house. And I want to get rid of all his shitty shit shit...stuff that no one wants ..pah!

samels001 sorry to hear that but I hope you can get some comfort and advice here. I have and did. Carried me through all this really.

Oh and kids seem to be doing ok atm...am keeping a very close eye on them. Bless them..