Does time really heal this terrible pain? 24 year marriage ended.

[drfayray]

I have already posted re: asking DH to leave. This is really a different topic. My 24 year long marriage is over as DH has been having an affair for a year and a half. He doesn't want to be married anymore. We have two children, DS15 and DD 13.

I am feeling the most dreadful pain. I am crying all the time and looking ghastly. I cannot believe that this marriage is over. I cannot even begin to work out how to split things up. Everything we own is from the marriage.

The past seven months (I found out in January) have been absolutely dreadful but now it is worse as it is a certainty. Before now, there was a shred of hope that we could continue but his refusal to stop seeing this OW and not wanting to seek counselling OR really do anything to work at the marriage is a clear signal that I have to accept the end.

I feel like I am flailing around helplessly. I have support in my doctor, my psychologist and my friends but I feel so very alone.

He is not being unreasonable re: money (well so far) so it is not about that. It is about how am I to cope with this? I cannot bear it.

There are so many people here who have gone through so much and I would appreciate some advice.

I want to go back to being the lively, happy, cheerful and great person I used to be. Not this wreck of a scowling, angry, bitter and heartbroken thing I am right now.

Thank you.

I am beside myself but have to be calm. I asked him when he was planning to tell the kids together and he said that he would tell them what he wanted when he wanted! He said he told them we were not getting along!! Then he said I was being controlling by deciding that we talk to them together!! I was telling him how to father.

I am willing to be amicable. I want this to end with as little trouble as possible. But I fear that is not going to happen.

Why is he doing this? Being so horrible? I didn't want this but now it is here I want to make it less horrid for the kids.

at the fucker.

His actions could be because you are taking the front step and trying to make some forward steps in sorting out your future, and it has always been him that has 'managed' the finances and made the final decisions. All of a sudden, you have stood up and you are voicing your opinion. I bet he doesn't like that one little bit.

Ah, so the little wifey stood up for herself, got a job (hurrah!), got some support here and in RL and suddenly you're all 'controlling' pots and kettles come to mind here.

Projection. Slinging all his shit in your direction. When he sees it doesn't work, because you are going to be all calm and detached-like, he'll have to think of another way to behave. Perhaps he'll consider treating you with due respect.

Doubt it, by the sounds of it. You may be right. But stick with it, we're all rooting for you drfay.

Just read all of this thread...you go girl!! great stuff! i am so glad that you told your parents and that they are so utterly supportive of you.

You H sounds like a right arse by the way. It sounds like he is trying to control and dominate by accusing you of being controling!

As others have said. Stop listening to him, detatch, take control and get legal advice.

Hard though it is to come to terms with (believe me, I know) he is not the man your thought you married and you are greiving for someone who just isn't there any more. A total stranger is walking around in his body now, try not to think of him as being that person anymore.

Of course you're in control. You've been left on you're own and have to be! You tell the children when you think is right, with him if he can manage it. But honestly, it's not about him or how he feels is it? It should be about them.

Forget about him and just sit them down and tell them yourself. He will no doubt not like that either. Let him fry.

Tell him you are going to do it tomorrow, whether he wants to be there or not. Then do it. Do not let his reaction to your plans put you off.

It is time for you to shake off the idea that you need his permission to do things and assert yourself here, with your own children and in front of him.

He does not get to veto your very correct impulse to tell the children or decide what you to tell them or when. Get into the driver's seat and take the wheel.

You are rattling his cage because I can see from your written words that you are already in a stronger place emotionally than you were a week ago. I have no experience of telling DCs about separation but in your shoes I would be sitting them down and telling them on my own because that seems to be the only option he?s left you. Why should he get to call the shots when you've offered to do it together? Why can he choose when you do it but not you?

He needs to get his academic hat back on and start seeing both sides of the argument if you ask me. He?s looking very biased right now.

At least you will be honest, fair and balanced and report the sad facts but no more and no less. I suspect he is going into spin doctor mode and you are at risk of your H undermining you when he does tell them. He will likely be tempted to put a positive spin on things in respect of OW too.

You are right to be worrying about your DCs. They pick up on so much and will know that things are very different now so my opinion is that the longer you leave it to tell them the harder it will be on them. I don?t understand why he can?t see that but it doesn?t surprise me I?m afraid.

Good luck, stay strong, enjoy your weekend and take care. xx

Thanks again, everyone, for taking the time to post. This is a life line to me.

Fucking Cuntknob of a H is just that. He had the audacity to tell me to stop trying to make him feel guilty. I made a point of going out this morning so that I would not have to see his fucking face. He took DD shopping and then went off to Hobart. I went out to the markets and then had a restful time sitting in a park by the river. i wrote in my journal for a bit and then took son out for lunch. I then told DS. I was very careful and just said you do know dad and I have not been getting on. He was very quiet. Then I said we are splitting up but we both love you and your sister very much. I said thing is dad does not want to be married to me anymore. I am very sorry about this. This was not what i wanted. He said it was ok and was very sweet.

I had to take DD to a sleepover and talked to her in the car. She surprised me! She said she knew all about it as she had overheard us! . She said she did not care. That I should not care either and should stop loving Cuntknob. He has been horrible to me and I should move on. That I was beautiful and cleverer than him. That she still loved him cos he was her dad. She also said she felt that he had changed recently.

Did I say she was 13 and not 42!

At the sleepover, I told DD's best friend's mum. I do not know her that well as DD just started at a new school this January. The mum was great. Very nice and told me that if I needed her to help out to just ask. She also was very encouraging.

I spent a lovely evening with DS. We watched two movies and he was very sweet. We chatted about all sorts of things. I am so lucky to have such wonderful children.

I feel so relieved that telling the kids was not as bad I had thought. But I am worried about DS. DD said to me I wonder what DS would think of dad if he knows about the affair (to my knowledge, DS doesn't know anything). She then said she will be very watchful of her brother to make sure he is ok. She loves him dearly and they are both very close.

I am now going to just do one day at a time. I have a list of things I need to do before I start my new job (yay!) so will just think: what do I need to do today and go with that. Spending time with children is at the top of that list. I am not going to stress about money and the future etc (easier said than done but still...must try). I have a good support network and I am going to use it.

But it is so hard. I am just so sad. How can a person change so much?

angry is good!

So relieved your kids have handled the initial out in the open discussion OK. Despite their teen hormones, I think they will be able to process this better than I did at 8 when my folk split up. They sound mature, especially your girl. Just keep talking to them. If they ask about if he has had an affair, tell them, but don't offer the info. I guess

drfayray - your kids sound fantastic. You have handled it all beautifully. You'll feel a lot of relief now, that the kids know, I'll bet.

We always decided that ex would tell ours, but in the end I kicked him out quickly, and the coward crept away without telling them - he didn't have the guts.

Just keep telling them that they can ask you anything, and tell you anything. They will see a stronger happier mum emerge, and they will respond to that. They will relax more in the lighter atmosphere of a stressless home, and you will all feed off each other's relief. Yes, they'll miss him - so just reiterate that he's still their dad, and they haven't lost him at all. Him leaving is about your relationship with him, not theirs.

Your daughter sounds a mature young lady - you should be proud of them both. But then you're a great mum - so of course you have great kids!

Well done.

Keep your ears and eyes open and make sure the DCs know they can talk with you and also with their friends about all this. Difficult though it may be, do not badmouth him to the children. You will never regret taking the high road and keeping the children clear of any lingering antagonism there may be between the two of you.

I never got into the ins and outs of what exH had done, just told them that he had made choices that were incompatible with marriage. They did not press me for details. exH is a lawyer and the spectre of accusations of alienation of affection is always lurking in the background for me.

Your plan to rely on your support network is a solid one, as is taking things one day at a time, and spending time with the children. You really sound as if your head is well and truly screwed on and you are doing a fine job of getting through this.

Of course the questions about him and the hurt he has so easily dealt you will not go away so fast. You may never get any sort of answer from him, because his focus will be preserving his own little cloak of denial and anger and contempt towards you.

(There is nothing you can do, btw, short of vapourising into the air, that will keep him from feeling guilty, so do not bother trying to accommodate yourself to his demand that you stop 'making him feel guilty'. His comment about you making him feel guilty is the sort of thing someone can only say when they have a terminal case of being so far up their own rear end that they have lost their grip on reality. You are a living, breathing reproach to him, and so are the children. Do what is best for you and ignore him and his precious feelings. They are for him to deal with. You owe him no consideration.)

Hi Drfay - you posted on mine so Im posting on yours ( I dont have any pearls of wisdom as I am only one step from a mess myself BUT I wanted to say - you and your kids sound so lovely and DD is clearly a wise head on young shoulders... you have done a fantastic job telling the kids and I agree with the person further up who said a lot of the sadness is for a person who actually hasnt been there for a long time( I am only saying that to you as I realise I have been doing that too.) Im going back to work monday and youll be starting a new job soon - so although I am the kleenex queen and very wobbly - ill hold your hand next week if youll hold mine xxxxxxxx

just wanted to add how wonderful your kids sound! What gems you have there and how lovely and mature your DD is. Fantastic!

I also think Fucking Cuntknob is a terrific name

Lawdy, the nicknames for these bolters just get funnier, good one drfay!

I haven't got much to add to the above, but I do want to reiterate how sound you are, how proud I hope you are of yourself for handling this so well.

They'll be fine you know, your DC's, and you'll all get strength from being together and enjoying each other without the spectre of FCK blighting your happiness. The sadness will come and go, and it does get better I promise.
x

Thank you all so much for your posts. And MAPAM, thank YOU. I know how much you are going through atm. You are lovely to take the time to support me. I appreciate the hand holding.

I feel exhausted today. All the stress of telling the children has caught up on me. But I had a long lie in and got showered and dressed so that was good. Took DS to meet his girlfriend and then spent a happy hour in the supermarket planning meals I am going to cook this week. I enjoy cooking.

I was extremely angry to see a pix of Fucking Cuntknob in Hobart on my FB. He is visiting his first PhD student (now a PVC in Tasmania) and the ex-student posted a pix of CK looking relaxed and smiley. He has not rung the children at all. It is like when he is away, he is a single man with no ties. Fucker fucker fucker!

My DS is looking rather down. His time with his girl cheered him up a bit as they went to see a funny film. I made sure I spent a lot of time with him today. DD went to a sleepover and a party and as soon as she got home, climbed into bed with me. I was having a rest as I felt terrible. Massive headache and just blah. She cuddled and kissed me and said she loved me very much. Then she said if dad has ow I will not be nice to her you know. I will curse and swear at her. I will cut her hair when she is sleeping and I will cut all her clothes. . Then she laughed. I said, oh dear...She then said you know we love you and support you. She said that I had to be mad at CK as he had done this to me. She cheered me up immensely. DD is just wonderful; scary but wonderful.

I am also seething inside because of a fuckarse comment he made. I want to stay in this house. We are renting it as we have a house in NSW that we rent out. When we moved to Qld, we were unsure of our long term plans (ha!...bitter) so rented. Well, I said to CK, I want to stay here as the kids like it, it is near to schools, transport adn a nice area. He said well, you will have to see if you can afford it. Well, you know, if you have more food adn less rent...you need to decide, or have less food adn more rent. Cunting fuckarsepubicface!!! . How dare he! I told him not to speak to me like that.

I think I can afford it as the new job pays well. And as we will sell the house asap, no mortgage. Plus I should have some money as savings. I was trying to talk to him about HIS children. Their stability. He said he will pay the maintenance he has to but he is not living in the back of the car to support me! He earns a good income. He is at the top of his scale. He will not be living in a car. Bastard!
I am livid. That is not what I meant at all. He just cannot see how selfish and fuckarsey he is being. Luckily I have very good friends who are very good at budgeting and finance and who will help me out.

One thing came back to me. A few months ago I asked him if he did not worry that having this affair would lose him his marriage and his children (in terms of the family being together etc), he said he did not regret it at all as he felt it was worth the risk. He has shown no remorse.

I am trying really hard not to be upset by this. I have a busy week, seeing people, sorting the house and doing some medical stuff. I need to focus on that. It is a good thing this marriage is over. I do not want to be married to this Adulterous Bastard Cuntknob of a Fuckarse.

deep breaths

Thank you for letting me vent....

Go drfay, let it all out!

You seem to be dealing with a narcissist. That means someone who operates at the level of a two year old when it comes to conscience and perception of reality, other peoples' motives and self awareness. It also means that when you and the children are out of sight you are out of mind. Hence the pictures on FB and your impressions of him leading the life of a complete stranger when out in the world. He is a stranger. There is nothing as shocking as the realisation that you have been living with someone who reveals himself in this way. Please make sure to eat plenty of nourishing food, get rest, take a little walk or some refreshing physical activity every day.

Though he operates emotionally at an almost primeval level, he has an adult intellect, and may be capable of foxlike cunning (untrammeled by conscience) when it comes to matters financial. Please make sure you hire a lawyer soon and get the process of laying your claim to marital assets started.

you will be well shot of this priceless piece of knobbery. I know its tough right now but it will be worth it in the end. You are worth so much more than this. Seriously.

you will need that lawyer as FCK will out for his own gain. He will think nothing of shafting his own family. protect yourself and cut all contact except through your lawyer.

honest to god, he has made me so angry!!!! how dare he do this to you???

You are doing so well DrFayRay in the face of a total wanker of an H. Good on you!

Thanks for the posts. I went out this morning and met up with an old colleague who has been through a divorce and she also stated the need for a solicitor. I am doing that. I have to get it into my thick head that I cannot trust him anymore. He is out for his own best interests and those do not match up with mine.

I am making a point to look good. One of my signature 'things' is that I love wearing floral brooches and unusual jewellery. I was looking like a Greek widow for a while...no more. I have a huge red poppy brooch on today and a glass lady bird pendant (I love whimsy ) and feel good.

I am feeling exhausted still but am making sure I eat well. I need to be strong for the DC. I accept that the road ahead will be difficult but I can do this.

I need to stop wondering why the Adulterous Bastard Cuntknob of a Fuckarse is the way he is. He just is now.

Another lovely snippet to show his cuntknobbiness: We have a lovely dog (Sophie) who is dearly loved by everyone. When I was 'talking' to ABCF, I said I was struggling coping with everything; the kids, house, dog. He said to get rid of the dog. . He wanted the dog in the first place. I mean, I love animals and love Sophie to bits BUT life is a bit easier sans puppy. I am ashamed to say I told DD this. There was a sharp intake of breath. If I told DS, it would kill him....he adores Sophie. She has been helping the kids get through all of this through her manic behaviour (she can be very funny).

Bastard bastard bastard bastard.

Get a solicitor. Make plans about money! He is not going to be A Good Person about this.

I don't know what would have become of DD3 through all of our rollercoaster ride with exH without our little cat, His willingness to throw the dog overboard is very telling.

I need to stop wondering why the Adulterous Bastard Cuntknob of a Fuckarse is the way he is

Yes, 'fraid so. He just is and when you toughen up, get yourself a shit hot lawyer (a la Saff) he'll probably act the victim.

I think I hate your ABCKF.

Yes you definitely need to get a SHL (shit hot lawyer) asap. I wish I could clone mine and send her to you, she's great.

I got her via CAB - went there for initial advice (they were very good) and the man gave me a list of lawyers in the area that specialise in family law and do the free hour. He said "we're not allowed to recommend just one" but his finger was tapping SHL's name as he said this. So I played along, got home and rang them up. Then I found out via a colleague that she'd handled her sister's divorce and had a brilliant reputation.

ABCF (loving the name) may be ok, but he probably won't. So like my SHL said you have to hope for the best with these boys, but plan for the worst. Have a free half hour with someone who specialises in family law, or find out from friends, etc., who's got a good rep. Or go to CAB, like I did. If you don't click with the solicitor, or have any doubts, then find another one. I was lucky that I struck gold first time. Seeing a solicitor will give you control and help you think about things that need sorting, so you have to think about stuff other than the emotional side. I filed for divorce a week after kicking ex out, and it really helped me focus and take control and it boosted my confidence (which was at rock bottom after years of trying to turn into the perfect wife). The letter SHL sent him, stating that he was being divorced for unreasonable behaviour rocked his little make believe world and forced him to accept reality.

You need to do this - you need to get everything in place. It will help you on an emotional level too.

Good luck.