The Brave Babes Battle Bus - We're All Going On A Sober Holiday!

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse

Welcome to the Brave Babe's Bus. This is a bus full of drinkers old and new, sober and not, and those who are somewhere in between.

We are all at different levels of sober so you can bet that one of us has walked in your shoes.

If you want advice and support then you're in the right place.

Come take a seat or just lurk, we're happy to have you along for the ride.

And here is a link to the last thread so you can catch up on the journey so far HERE

Luci I'm doing ok, well obviously not really .
I've been back in the same old loop, but today I won't be drinking at least.
My dd is having a really hard time with her ASD and OCD's, so much anxiety (hers) and anger around me.
I've being using alcohol when I know it is so damned counterproductive.
Mouse I see you're continuing to fight the good fight against all odds, well done to you.
Everyone else, great to see this bus is consistently fab. I managed to read the whole of the last thread and was touched by the passionate defence of my only really "safe", non-judgemental place.

Thank you for the straight talking Miflaw. I know DP either doesn't "get it" or he is deliberately trying not to. I have told him low alcohol beer won't work as I will just drink more of it to achieve the same level of pissed-ness. I don't believe he has a problem with drink, despite being a regular drinker as he rarely drinks to feel drunk. Whilst I don't exactly set out to get drunk I certainly do set out to feel "relaxed". This usually results in my being drunk as I am a problem drinker.
Even my mother doesn't "get it." She is also a binge drinker. I am not sure to what extent but she can easily polish off a bottle and a half of wine every night of the weekend.

I told her yesterday (again, we've had this conversation before, a few times now) that I'm worried about my drinking and have been feeling worried, guilty and out of control for a while now.

Her answer? Oh just have a break from it until you come and visit (am taking the kids away on Saturday to stay with her for a week or so) and we'll go easy on the wine whilst you're here.
I really don't need to be around alcohol and drinkers right now. I'm just not strong enough.
I feel like maybe I am over-reacting and making more of this than I need to.

The scared voice in my head knows the truth though.
Sorry to hear about your MIL Mouse. Hope the MRI scan results in some postive treatment. MsGee, it sounds like you've been through the mill. I am so sorry. It's nice to see you posting again.

Luci

in my experience - even when drinking - the easiest way to handle these situations is just to state, as a fact, that you are not currently drinking. You don't need to go into why - you can if you want, or you can lie (antibiotics is a good one) - just say, "I'm not drinking at the moment" and leave it at that.

There will be time enough to discuss WHY you are not drinking when you have got into your stride of just not doing so.

Remember, too, that you do not need anyone's permission to go to AA (or any alternative to AA) - again, if you think people won't like it, just don't tell them. Say you're off to see a friend/the late night supermarket/church/ten pin bowling/for a walk - whatever won't get you caught out or in trouble.

Do this for you - as you say, you already know the truth, why waste your time waiting for everyone else to catch up?

Luci ... your family sound like mine. Can you come up with a a plan to deal with things, so you don't cave in. Could you go for a walk or something for half an hour after the kids go to bed - I find if I can avoid the first drink I am ok ...

Or take lots of hot chocolate or something else??

MIF is right ... don't wait for others to catch up. You may never convince DH of your problem, so leave him out of the equation. Otherwise you have all these opinions clouding your judgement of what you need to do. Don't use their lack of knowledge / insight into your situation give you an "out" (oh well if DH doesn't think I have a problem, its all ok ... glug, glug - which I have been known to do...)

I don't think I will convince him I'm an alcoholic. Maybe I should stop trying. DP thinks unless you're drinking vodka for breakfast then you're ok. I have no control over alcohol. Like you MsGee I find it A LOT easier not to start drinking than to "just have a couple."
I know I can go to AA on my own and don't need any permission but as a SAHM of young children without access to a car it's not so easy to organise meetings without any support. DP treats me like a hysterical drama queen every time I have brought up the subject of AA.
He is very scathing of "support groups" and to further muddy the waters his ex-wife used to attend AL-ANON. Her father was a violent drunk. Anyway, the period in her life when she was involved with AL-ANON coincided with her first extra-marital affair and although the man she had an affair with was not connected in any way to AL-ANON, in DP's mind she "changed" after meeting people there and was (according to him not her) encouraged to become selfish and to put her own needs before that of her husband and kids.
I have no idea if this is true or not but there's always 2 sides to every story. It's unfortunate that AL-ANON and AA are viewed by DP to be full of needy, manipulative people.

I fear if I go to AA it will have to be in secret or I'll be subjected to ridicule by him.

I know you know that you don't need his permission - sorry if I came across as patronising (apparently I do, sometimes ...) What I meant was that, therefore, just go, even if it does need to be in secret. I take your point about needing support - but you may be surprised. some meetings (often all women) have creches; perhaps you know someone who can babysit.

Or you could tell him to babysit because you're going to the pub with friends and revel in the irony all the way there and back!

Remember - if you have a problem with drink then it is going to get worse. the absolute best way to convince him you are an alcoholic is just to keep drinking. Sooner or later you will do something that will make him believe you.

If you fancy living instead (in every sense of the word) then you know what you have to do. He's got his own issues and, frankly, they are silly ones (Al Anon might or might not have "caused" her FIRST affair; in hindsight, sounds like there was more than one, so she didn't need Al-Anon to motivate her into sleeping around) - you haven't got time to babysit him as well as getting yourself better.

Where are you based, btw? I am in SE London. A new women's meeting has opened up if you (or anyone else) are interested.

Struggling a little this evening. Anyone around?

Fairenuff I used to post a lot here and just logged on to see how everyone is going
The reason i haven't posted is that my life has changed immeasurably since I first started in this thread a year ago. Mostly because of Venus
I have a job now, a house, a happier family...
But i was coming on to say hello and i see that you are having a tough evening, can i help?

That sounded a bit full on. I meant that i work full time now and with family stuff as well i seem to be able to sit down about once every month or less to mums net... I miss this thread!

Hi Cristiane that's a lovely, positive message. It's nice to hear how people are getting on. I have only been on the bus for about a month and have found it invaluable for support and advice.

Today, a friend gave me a bottle of wine as a thank you and it's sitting in my larder. I don't want to drink it yet but it's tempting so I thought I would distract myself by seeing if anyone has ideas about this sort of thing.

I'm not planing on giving up entirely (unless I have to) but it's very early days for me.

Thanks for positing.

Gosh it's hard when someone gives you booze, because it just weighs you down knowing it's in your cupboard. Your friend probably had no idea it would make you feel like this.

It's odd for other people that alcohol can take up so much head space. I don't want to go to Ladbrokes with a fiver in my pocket, but some people do. It's alien to me to want to bet, but not to them. I don't understand that dependence on betting. Others don't understand my dependence on drinking or how much of my time and emotional space it uses up.

I don't know what to advise except that you probably know that if you open the bottle for 'just one glass' that's about as likely as giving someone a fiver and telling them to spend just one pound of it on the races. It ain't gonna happen. How about running a bath and taking a cup of tea in with you, brushing your teeth... Take your mind off it...

Yes, my friend had no idea how my heart sank. But I'll have to get used to this because a few weeks ago I would have been genuinely happy to receive it.

On the other hand I know I will be quite pleased to NOT have drunk the bottle and, you're right, one glass won't do it.

You will be so pleased not to have drunk the bottle tomorrow. Well done.

Would you have been genuinely happy a few weeks ago?

I decided enough was enough on 26th June and since then I have only drunk on 2 occasions. First was a mistake and I regretted it. Second was last Sunday when I had 2 glasses of wine, then stopped.

Not wanting to barge in here but just to say Goodnight.

Faire - keep going sweets, you'll be in my thoughts tonight xx

Hello Cristiane

Babes - goodnight, sleep well xx

Morning all,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Isindie BabyBabes .
How lovely to hear from you Isindie. Even though you have so much work, you sound a lot brighter than you did some months ago, when you were also snowed under. I hope you slept solidly for the 3 and a half hours!! xx

Christiane Good to hear that things are going so well for you.

MsGee I have no experience of what you are going through, but sending you strength, and love, at this so difficult time.

thornrose I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is having a hard time at the moment, is she on school holidays yet? Will that help?

Luci, fairenuff I hope you were ok last night.

Mousie my fairy sister, how are things with you? I hope MIL's scan has some positive results. How are the rest of your family? I am so pleased that you have nursery sorted out for Nemo, do you have much work to do with him about it, I mean explaining it all, and visiting a lot? Will the nursery staff come to see you at home?

Obrigada Thank you for that lovely message. It really made me feel better.

I have been feeling so sad, for the last few days. I don't think I'm very good at not working, no matter what I do to replace it.
I was on my own in the house a lot yesterday, and the last two evenings, and yesterday afternoon I just sat and cried, I felt so low. That's why I didn't come back and post later on. Things still aren't perfect, or even great with Dh, but how much of that is me, I don't know. I wonder if DC's Graduation at the end of the week, and getting Dc2 ready for Uni, is affecting me so much more than I realise.

Well, I still knew I'd feel worse if I drank, so I didn't, but sadly did fall from the top deck out onto the pavement on Friday night Mouse!!!!

As isindie says I am in a very different place from before I joined the bus, just need to make sure I stay there all the time!!

Crikey, can you get this book on Kindle

Mucho love to everyone xxxxx
Sorry for any mistakes, am going to post straight away.

Thurso sorry that things aren't good at the moment, I am still catching up on things but I hope that today is a better day. I am sure that getting DC2 ready for Uni is going to be a huge adjustment for you and will take its toll, so be kind to yourself.

Isindie (waves manically and gives enthusiastic shuffle hug). I cannot believe DTs are one today, Happy Birthday!! Well done you on surviving your first year of motherhood. xx

Christiane - I think you used to be under a slightly different name - you sound so positive now, I am so happy that things are going well for you, I am sure its the result of much hard work on your part.

Mouse hope you are all ok today. When does Nemo start nursery?

To everyone else - am just catching up so big hello to everyone.

Day 4 here. Its been a while since I could say that . Already feeling brighter. I managed to do some work last night and then had a glass of water and some toast as a 'treat'. Tmrw I am on a girls night out BUT MIFLAW and you all have taught me well - I shall not think about today. Today, I will not be drinking.

(@mouseface; I think I am/was on the wrong thread and should be on a general relationships thread. But AF would just tell me to leave him. I am keeping a clear head and have been on nicorettes instead of cigarettes, so it is going well on that score. I just can't get him to LISTEN to me. I have made a poster for him about active listening, and when he stonewalls/gaslights me I show him the poster which has been blu-tacked to the inside of a kitchen cupboard for about 4 years. Active Listening = being quiet, keeping eye contact, reflecting what he thinks I have said. I wish they would teach this basic stuff in reception. I now have excema creeping up my body. All over my hands and feet and creeping up my legs. Not sure how it works in this way but I KNOW that it is stress-related. It has only happened in the past 4 days. Or maybe I just have a simple case of leprosy. I just read what you said about your triplets and have no words. Please don't reply to that last bit. Will contact you by pm if I need to dispose of dp's heavily mutilated corpse. Thanks for your support. It meant a lot to me on Sunday when I felt that I was losing my mind.

?-The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.?
-Friedrich Nietzsche

I am not a big fan of FN, but I like that quotation. That was kinda how I felt on Sunday.

JJxx)

I LOVE that FN quote. Am going to print it off.
Indie babes, a very big happy birthday to the DTs. it is also my sis' birthday today so a very good day to have been born obviously!!
Thurso - thinking of you a lot right now. You know where I am.
Hi to everyone else - am staying in the trailer a while - but hopefully will be giving it another proper go soon. Head not in the right place but still trying to cut down at elast.

Jemima - my lovely. Get yourself off to the doctors for some cream to soothe the excema. Nemo suffers from that, and I suffer from psoriasis from time to time so know how uncomfortable that can be.

You sound amazingly strong, you really do. I have an abusive past, I posted about it no long ago on a support thread and to see it all written down in black and white actually shocked me. I love the idea of a list on your kitchen cupboard door.

Does he acknowledge it? The list? I don't think you should bin him,or leave him, because I don't know enough about you to comment or him, or what's been going on. Maybe you should start a thread, maybe you should just ignore AF!

She'll kill me for saying that!

Anyway, stay here. Talk to us about your drinking and smoking if you like. If it helps, stay. You won't be judged for the decisions you make in your relationship, you know it's not great, you know he's treating you badly.

At least here, you can feel safe and be around other posters who have and are in your shoes. And thank you for the mention of the triplets xx

Off to the hair dresser now, be back soon and catch up with you all xx

HI everyone

MsGee - just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, must be really hard still especially when you see others around you pregnant

Thurso You are bound to be feeling sad/anxious at the moment with graduation etc, especially when things aren't good with DH. See it as time for you now and remember the holidays for uni can be long so they will be back shortly.

Happy Birthday to the DT's Indie

I had less last night so feel alot better for it but still very confused about things going on at the moment and worried about DC's as they aren't happy these days when they are with their Dad and his girlfriend

Jemima - not up to date on things yet but you sound very clear headed about your life. Its always the first step isn't it? Mouse has some excellent words for you but it sounds like you are getting a good understanding of what is happening?

Also - I get horrible eczema too and its been worse lately as it seems to be aggravated by pollen etc. I have found that it gets better if I don't drink though (in fact when I stopped for 4 months it cleared up). Also I use a barrier cream sometimes just to stop any other allergens getting into any sore areas.

Zany thanks for that. I remember you from my last tour on the bus - sorry things are so confusing at the moment.

Mouse - hairdressers - hope you enjoy a few minutes of someone looking after you!

Phew, shaved hair - tick

IsinDe - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TWINS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TWINS, YOU'RE GROWING SO BIG NOW, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR TWINS. xxxx Wishing you all a fantastic day! How lovely xx

PS - I'm not going to mention your drinking. But you know the score.

thurso - my lovely. Hello. Nemo is starting nursery in September. He'll go once a week for 2 hours, with me staying to care for him until we get a statement in place. His next assessment is in September/October time so we'll know how much 1:1 help he will be allocated then.

No more news on my dear MIL as yet. It's my BIL's 40th this weekend, at MIL's house, it's DH's birthday on Monday, and he is off to Lords tomorrow, back Friday night. He's stressing about that, his mum and this weekend. Plus work is getting him down. It's so hard to see him like that, I feel helpless for him.

DD is taller than me and utterly hormental 24/7. Nemo is still being sick with his reflux, not sleeping so great as he picks up every cold/bug going so ends up not being able to breathe because of all the secretions in his cleft and nose.

And then there's me. My drugs are making me get numbness in my face and left arm, I look like I'm having a mild stroke but the consultant is due to call me tonight. My memory loss is worse too......

What was I saying?

I'm just tired more than anything.

So, what are we going to do about YOU? What can we do to help lift you up? Can I ask are you on ADs? I lose track of who is and who isn't. I just want to get you here for a weekend off and look after YOU! You could come and feed the ducks with Nemo and sit outside the castle cafe having a nice cuppa and a cake!

Why don't you go and visit a friend or family member? Have a break away from the house. Don't blame yourself for feeling like this, it's to be expected you know.

Massive hugs xxxx

*Ma - glad to see you sweets, even a short post from you is enough for me so that I know you're 'okay'

Zany - how are things with you and DP? I sit all over? I think that you need to sit your DC down and ask them for specific things that they don't like. Kids aren't daft are they? They know when someone is trying too hard! xx

Epic post, sorry all

xx