I can't believe he's gone

[vole3]

Where do I start.
Have known H almost 20 years, together 14 and married 12 with a 4 yr old DS.

Like all relationships there have been ups and downs with him supporting me through cancer scare and rheumatoid as a result of my pregnancy and me supporting him through job losses, depression and a significant head injury following an assault when our son was 3 weeks old. I would say that on balance I have had to be a lot more understanding than he has!!

In january I discovered he'd been having an affair with a family friend for a number of years, which he blamed on having to rediscover who he was as a result of the head injury. He agreed that he'd been a bit of an idiot and wanted to try again. We'd been going along OK and had managed to get all aspects of our relationship back on track.

However I had a bit of a wobble 2 weeks ago as I felt he'd been withdrawing again (partly as a result of being a home manager for Southern Cross who went down the pan yesterday). I asked if he could answer some questions regarding the affair as his way of dealing with it was to close the door. He agreed to answer the questions, but he felt that I was rehashing old stuff, whilst I felt that he had not given me the full picture and I needed the timeline clear in my head. This was when i found out that in actual fact the affair had been on / off for a year before our son was born. So can't blame it on'it wasn't me it was the head injury' any more.

OK, big thing to accept being lied to again, but I asked if he still wanted to be a family and to go to counselling and he said he wanted this. He said that he loved me as a person, the mother of his son etc but that the spark was gone and he didn't know how / if it would come back.

Oh!

When we first met we both recognised that 'coup de foudre', but realised that as students it wasn't going anywhere. He got back in touch with me, which is how we got together. Despite having to get to know him as a different person from who he was before the head injury, and despite everything that I have had to reconcile this year, I still love him, both for himself and for being my sons brilliant father.

Last week he announced that he wanted some space to think and feared the worst for our relationship. WTF! Not quite sure how you can enjoy family life when you have walked out on your wife and son, but I agreed to this.

Anyway, he left this morning to couch surf with a mutual friend who has actually been helpful to both of us, but also caught in the middle as he has been saying one thing to them and another to me.

I can't believe that he is so ready to leave his adored son. Up until last year we shared childcare and both had 2 days a week with him, the other 3 he was with a childminder. He loves being with him, and he with his daddy. I can't believe his is willing to throw away so much shared history (he did say he wanted to try for 'history and hope'), and the future we were planning.

It makes me so sad that our son will probably have very few memories of being a family as he grows up and we will each miss out on parts of his life when he is with the other person. DS is also starting school in September, so the timing is crap as there will be so many other changes happening in the next few weeks, not that there ever is a good time for these things to happen.

Am I being a fool to want to try to sort things out, especially as I fear that he may decide at some time in the future that he wants out again?

Yes I am scared about finances, yes I am scared that we may have to move house as it may not be possible for me to cover bills on my own, yes I am scared about how to manage working (healthcare, shifts, you get the picture) and yes I am scared of being solely responsible for my sons wellbeing for the majority of the time. Parenting is a tag team event! Am I scared of being on my own? Yes and no. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to be there, but it was hard enough coming back to an empty house when he had to work away 3 days a week for 5 months when DS was 1.

The only family I have nearby is my in-laws. My mother is 86, 250 miles away and going downhill slowly, 1 brother 300 miles away, 2 in New Zealand and my half-siblings all over retirement age and again on the other side of the country. I have to hold things together for DS sake, but I am finding it very hard indeed. Work are being as supportive as they can (still not willing to risk wearing mascara there yet).

As for future relationships, I believe that he will (he may already have and is just lying to me again), I don't know if I ever could open myself up to the risk of being hurt again and being a full time worker and mum won't exactly give much opportunity!

Thank you for reading this and I know you are sending me good thoughts over the ether, but I am just so very very sad at the moment.

Weird dreams is the way your mind deals with things. The brain is in overdrive and your heart is too..it needs to try and put things right.

Good luck with the day, Vole. May it be a good one.

The day went reasonably well.
Only ran into 1 mutual friend who I had to inform about the situation.

Spent some time with a friend who told me about her weekend away with her husband. It made me realise what I haven't been getting and what I deserve.

So, onwards and upwards.

We are going to be loved, Vole. Truly, madly, deeply. The universe owes us.

Morning all.

No weird dreams last night, or none that I can remember. Mainly due to sharing a bed with a fidgety small boy who kept kicking the duvet off the bed, so never slept deeply enough to dream.

Last night after getting in I rang X as he always says goodnight to DS and as is now usual DS says about 2 words and then runs off yelling 'that's your lot' . Afterwards X had a few queries and then launched into a resume of his day like he would when we were together.

Part of me wanted to listen to feel involved in his life, that he still wanted to share things with me. The other part was thinking 'if I'm not good enough to be your wife, why are you sharing this as if I still was'. Yep, another example of wanting his cake and eating it, or that's how I must view it. No thought of me, just wanting to make himself appear amicable and make peace with himself that he can't be all that bad as I still 'talk' to him.

If nothing else, something to raise at Relate on Friday.

Guess I need to do a bit more work remembering who I am. At the moment I feel without an identity. For so many years I have been X's wife, Y & Z's daughter-in-law and then DS's mum. Both X and MIL worked for many years at my hospital, so I am known by many people as a result of being part of that family. I only got round to changing my name professionally at work when I went back from maternity leave (there were reasons why we had chosen not to change it before, but that's another story), but left my professional registrations as they were in my maiden name. At least I won't have to fork out to get the changed again. I mentioned how strange it felt to use my home email as it was vole@ex'sname.org.uk. He set up my own domain name and new email [email protected]. Needed doing, but again feels that another bit of what made me me has been ripped away.

If the universe is listening and wants to make good on its' debt I will start imagining what I want. Strangely enough, looks aren't high on my agenda, although there has to be that initial spark of attraction; so sorry, no fuglies allowed. It is more about personality, attitude and beliefs, having someone who I can respect and will respect me and DS.

I'm in the same situation, Vole. Daily resumes as if we were still together.
We made a commitment to be friendly to each other in front of DD, but it seems as though he's desperate to cling on to what we had without him actually being my husband anymore.

I wonder if ow isn't that interested in his working life.

I'm going along with it for now as it suits my purposes but have told him to stop telling me he loves me.
He says he's not in love with me anymore but was constantly saying I love you. It's highly inappropriate so I told him to stop. He maintains that he does love me still. I said that perhaps he could show me through actions if he was that desperate for me to know.

I don't think this is the behaviour of a man who has completely made up his mind what he wants, do you?

Whilst he is determined to carry on with his plans with ow, he clearly is still in turmoil over it all. He is very sorry and upset about it.
He clearly hadn't thought about the consequences of his actions when he made the confession.

However I have moved on. I do still love him on one level but can't see him in the same light anymore.
All his stuff is gone now and the house renovations are booked.
This is me and DD's house now and we're enjoying it.

I guess the only way round it would be to hang up as soon as DS has had enough. That would be kinder to DS than stopping the nightly calls from his dad and DS only speaking to him when he actually sees him. Would also make the point of, you're not in my life, so get out of it!!

I think my OH wanted it all too - to keep me as his best friend and get to see his daughter when he wanted. It's simple and in some ways, stupid.

I would like a kind man. Just that, really.

I'm starting to worry about the Relate session.

1. will he come out with stuff as justification for his actions and the counsellor agree with him
2. even if they don't agree, will they turn round and say I am flogging a dead horse regarding the marriage
3. will he come out with stuff I don't know
4. I do have a bit of a potty mouth at times and may not moderate my language, but don't want to embarrass myself in front of someone who knows nothing about me or the situation on the first encounter
5. will I just completely lose the plot and be written off as psycho bitch from hell

I know it is unlikely that anything will come to light that she hasn't seen or heard before, but I am starting to over analyse things and it's still 2 days to go.

Oh honey it will be fine. Our counsellor was excellent. She will talk first probably about how you met - so the first session may be warm and nostalgic..it depends how she (or he) leads it.

Yes there may be painful things that come up...but they have to come out.

Counsellor will have seen and heard it all, including bad language. They should never side with either partner...

Sincere hugs.

Just seems every day I find out more of the bullshit he has been telling people.

Apparently he told a work colleague soon after he had met them in early 2009, that we were only 'together for our son'. Bastard! There is no way I would have agreed to move house (sold in June, moved in August) if I had not been 100% secure in his committment to me, our son and our marriage. We only moved so he could get away from the memories associated with his head injury as he wanted a fresh start.

What an idiot I have been.

Not an idiot - just a lovely loving trusting person. It is odd that they take on responsibilty when they are not committed. It makes THEM the idiots. Real friends will see through the BS and other people can go hang.

No point getting nostalgic at Relate - he will just trot out the line of ' but that person died when i had my head injury'.

I fear it will become more about uncovering his lies and the thought of it just makes me sick.

Stay as strong as you can. Imagine people here holding your hand.

Have spent some time texting the person X is staying with.
She had texted me to say 'why wasn't i replying to her' so I gave her both barrels, that he had chosen to pursue his friendship with her over his marriage, so she was as much to blame as the OW he had been sleeping with. She could have done the maths to work out exactly how much time he spent with her at work, online, texting and skype, but doesn't appear to have been bothered that he neglected his family responsibilities.

Strangely enough, she still doesn't get it. She says that she hates his lying to all and sundry, hates what he has done to me and DS, but is happy to have 'a living dictionary' around (she is 2nd year nursing student and he is a nurse). She knows they will both want something else at some point. No definite point in time and is quite happy to have all of his crap in her loft. She does her own thing and he has to fit in around her and her kids.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck!!!!!

Oh Vole you will drive yourself potty. I do understand that anger though - I discovered that my OH has not paid the mortgage this month or put money into our account. My DD (made me proud) immediately rang her GM and asked 'We haven't got any money from dad - is everything OK?' She did it so gently - I was so angry I went out for a very long walk.

You cannot control the situation at the moment. He is in the wrong - there is no doubt. But you really have to decide - if there is no future in your relationship - you must separate in other ways than physically. Better in some ways to be where you know he is.....but yes, I do understand your fury.

Last night I dreamt that OH and I made love. I was so happy in the dream and said to him: 'Is this a dream?' He replied: 'It is a dream but even in a dream we will never get back together.' I woke up feeling as if I might have a heart attack.

My mind is letting go of him. It is a horrible horrible process. A deep and lasting love cannot be severed overnight. This is a living hell and it is hard to see to the other side. But there is one. There is. Stay with it Vole.

You are so right Punky, your mind tells you what you must do but actually doing it when there is still an amount of love there is sooo hard.

Vole, I think you must stop the conversations, both with the OW (she owes you nothing and this is not helping you,it will make you more bitter) and the XDH. He cannot have his cake and eat it, he has to wise up to the fact that if his chosen path is OW that you are not going to be part of his life and he cannot go on acting, even in some areas as he did. If you keep talking to him it just gives you little snippets that you can dwell on. I went no contact after my final "lets save our marriage plea" was rejected and I do feel that it does allow you to be more focused on you getting stronger.

Do not overthink Relate, I agree they don't like too much emotion but how can you not show how strongly you feel about things. Focus now on what YOU want. Do you want to save your marriage? You can only go in and be open and honest but knowing (at the bottom of your heart) that you don't think there is anything to save (from what you have said IMO).

It is complete shit, we're all here going through it but I take comfort from other peoples's threads & other RL friends who have come through and made another life for themselves and that is my focus now, with as little STBXH shit along the way as I can.

Take care Vole, good luck for tomorrow if dont get to post again.

Oh punkatheart, ((((hugs)))) I don't have direct experience in what you have all gone through, but your dream made my heart break for you. You are right, your brain is making a bid for freedom. There IS another side of this, it will get better.

My X was abusive, when he left I had the most terrifying recurring dreams where he went for me like a wild animal, it didn't reflect RL, but nevertheless was so vivid it was utterly terrifying, and had me feeling shaken for the entire day after each time I dreamt it.

I changed my room around, bought myself new bedding and thankfully have never dreamt of him again.

To vole, you are being so brave, this stuff hurts like nothing else on earth, it WILL get better. Please try not to involve yourself in his circle, please try to detach from him. What he does IS wrong, and to be so close to it will only upset you and hurt you more. He's literally not worth it. ALL men re-write history when OW are involved. All abusers make up shit to make themselves look better. Your X is blaming a shedload of shitty behaviour on an accident, very convenient. I know that head injuries can affect mood, behaviour and aggression, but I think he is milking it to an extent to give himself permission to be out and out nasty. Maybe he didn't deserve the accident, but you sure as hell don't deserve this treatment either!

Thank you wise and herhissy. This pain is very hard to bear. I have had two serious relationships before this one - but I was his first serious girlfriend. We met when he was only 22. So I guess he just wants to escape and find himself...but bugger it, I am tired of thinking for him and doubleguessing his thoughts. He is resolute - a very stubborn man anyway.

Have a good day all of you. Your dreams sound horrifying Herhissy - so glad that they stopped.

Hugs again for vole. I think we all want to feel normal again. I would settle for that - it's hard to see that I will be happy. Very hard.
xx

Evenin' all.

Tried zumba for the first time tonight - well so far my right hip and left knee are creaking, extra wine painkillers for me tonight

I feel that today I have turned a corner as, despite what my post from this morning said, i woke up feeling free. I think that the revelations of yesterday were the final straw and whatever residual love I had for him has gone and a big weight been lifted.

I will still go tomorrow night, if only to say that I don't think there is anything worth salvaging. My next move will be to petition for divorce, so if anyone can recommend a family friendly firm near Norwich I would be grateful.

OK, now feeling very apprehensive about Relate tonight.

Well, only really scratched the surface and none of it stuff that hadn't been said before.
Have arranged another session, but when I asked him how he found it he said that it obviously helped me to say things in front of another person, so I guess my suspicion that he was only doing it as a sop were right.

Woke up during the night and ended up finding some paper and a pen to write down the things that came into my head so that when we next go i can bring them up.

No crying though, although a few sarcastic coughs and laughs.

Hi Vole,
How did you find the counsellor? I just found that they thought ours was a complete non-starter - they handed out Mediation leaflet on 1st session(ie dont bother with relationship counselling, go for how to divvy up your property!! that made me feel great).

I think you are doing really well facing up to the fact that there's nothing to salvage, admitting it is a major hurdle in being able to move on.

Sorry I'm not near Norwich so cant recommend a good sol. All divorce cases now have to go to mediation first to try to resolve financial situation without going to court, a collaborative sol can mediate on your behalf - but the other sol has to be as well (ie 4 of you sit in a room to thrash it out). I havent got to that stage yet, not looking forward to that!

Please look after yourself and don't expect to be too strong. I thought I was doing OK but have found out STBXH & OW are now house hunting and that has hit me hard! Oh, the rollercoaster continues!!!
Take care x

He found her via the Relate website.

Yesterday I had a bit of a relapse / meltdown.

He is due to have DS overnight on Friday as I am on a night shift, so I had put together a box of stuff to be left with him so that he doesn't have to raid stuff here every time DS stays with them and said to DS that we would drop it round.
DS very excited at the thought so i texted X to ask what time was convenient. It wasn't as he was out for lunch and he was going to be a long time so not to bother was the reply. The lunch was something he hadn't mentioned the day before as being in his plans. DS very upset and wanted to talk to his dad, but phone going straight to answerphone, not answering texts asking him to call etc.

OK, I lost it at that stage, overthinking every possible scenario. Him playing happy families with the person he's staying with, you get the picture. I started off quite upset that he has replaced me with so little trouble and then it progressed to being irresponsible not being contactable and not keeping his word that DS can contact him 24/7. I even called his work and his dad to ask if they knew where he was so DS could talk to him, but nobody knew.

Eventually he replied that he could pop round on their way home, but by this time I had gone out, so asked him to wait whilst I came back (only 5 minutes), he did but his text said 'you must be kidding'. Sorry, but he said he wasn't able to see DS, so I didn't think I would have to wait in for him and sitting at home I was going somewhat crazy.

He did spend some time with DS, about 20 minutes, but her baby was getting fractious and they had to leave. He seemed more concerned about her and her baby than me and our son. I am probably overthinking again, as she was the driver so he had to leave when she needed to, but he seemed very protective of both of them in a way that he used to be of me and DS.

Oh Vole what a trying time it is for you.

I think it's quite ok to have a meltdown now and then.
I had one last night over photos of ow and child on the pc.
Xh came round and cleared the pc of his stuff, I didn't speak to him.
I felt repulsed by what he's done/continues to do.

I feel better today despite having very little sleep. I think denial had set in and I was forgetting what a bastard he is. I'm glad that all of his stuff is gone and I can start afresh.

We all deserve better ladies. I'm sure that there are lots of kind men out there when we're ready for them.

OK, this is my inner child speaking.

It's so unfair!
I want what I thought I had, I don't want anything else. Give it back!!!

He doesn't care about me, nobody does.
Nobody would care if I was dead and I'd be better off as the pain would stop.

Right, that's done with. Time to get on with the day.