I can't believe he's gone

[vole3]

Where do I start.
Have known H almost 20 years, together 14 and married 12 with a 4 yr old DS.

Like all relationships there have been ups and downs with him supporting me through cancer scare and rheumatoid as a result of my pregnancy and me supporting him through job losses, depression and a significant head injury following an assault when our son was 3 weeks old. I would say that on balance I have had to be a lot more understanding than he has!!

In january I discovered he'd been having an affair with a family friend for a number of years, which he blamed on having to rediscover who he was as a result of the head injury. He agreed that he'd been a bit of an idiot and wanted to try again. We'd been going along OK and had managed to get all aspects of our relationship back on track.

However I had a bit of a wobble 2 weeks ago as I felt he'd been withdrawing again (partly as a result of being a home manager for Southern Cross who went down the pan yesterday). I asked if he could answer some questions regarding the affair as his way of dealing with it was to close the door. He agreed to answer the questions, but he felt that I was rehashing old stuff, whilst I felt that he had not given me the full picture and I needed the timeline clear in my head. This was when i found out that in actual fact the affair had been on / off for a year before our son was born. So can't blame it on'it wasn't me it was the head injury' any more.

OK, big thing to accept being lied to again, but I asked if he still wanted to be a family and to go to counselling and he said he wanted this. He said that he loved me as a person, the mother of his son etc but that the spark was gone and he didn't know how / if it would come back.

Oh!

When we first met we both recognised that 'coup de foudre', but realised that as students it wasn't going anywhere. He got back in touch with me, which is how we got together. Despite having to get to know him as a different person from who he was before the head injury, and despite everything that I have had to reconcile this year, I still love him, both for himself and for being my sons brilliant father.

Last week he announced that he wanted some space to think and feared the worst for our relationship. WTF! Not quite sure how you can enjoy family life when you have walked out on your wife and son, but I agreed to this.

Anyway, he left this morning to couch surf with a mutual friend who has actually been helpful to both of us, but also caught in the middle as he has been saying one thing to them and another to me.

I can't believe that he is so ready to leave his adored son. Up until last year we shared childcare and both had 2 days a week with him, the other 3 he was with a childminder. He loves being with him, and he with his daddy. I can't believe his is willing to throw away so much shared history (he did say he wanted to try for 'history and hope'), and the future we were planning.

It makes me so sad that our son will probably have very few memories of being a family as he grows up and we will each miss out on parts of his life when he is with the other person. DS is also starting school in September, so the timing is crap as there will be so many other changes happening in the next few weeks, not that there ever is a good time for these things to happen.

Am I being a fool to want to try to sort things out, especially as I fear that he may decide at some time in the future that he wants out again?

Yes I am scared about finances, yes I am scared that we may have to move house as it may not be possible for me to cover bills on my own, yes I am scared about how to manage working (healthcare, shifts, you get the picture) and yes I am scared of being solely responsible for my sons wellbeing for the majority of the time. Parenting is a tag team event! Am I scared of being on my own? Yes and no. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to be there, but it was hard enough coming back to an empty house when he had to work away 3 days a week for 5 months when DS was 1.

The only family I have nearby is my in-laws. My mother is 86, 250 miles away and going downhill slowly, 1 brother 300 miles away, 2 in New Zealand and my half-siblings all over retirement age and again on the other side of the country. I have to hold things together for DS sake, but I am finding it very hard indeed. Work are being as supportive as they can (still not willing to risk wearing mascara there yet).

As for future relationships, I believe that he will (he may already have and is just lying to me again), I don't know if I ever could open myself up to the risk of being hurt again and being a full time worker and mum won't exactly give much opportunity!

Thank you for reading this and I know you are sending me good thoughts over the ether, but I am just so very very sad at the moment.

I meant few of us...not few of it!

Didnt want to read and run, but dont really know what to say. Have just read the original posts.

Is it just me or does he want the best of both worlds? Think you should deliver his things to his doorstep (wherever that may be).

You are right, you cannot keep your life on hold forever until he makes up his mind. You need to make up your mind whether your relationship is worth fighting for and if you dont think it is then you make the decision and tell him, dont let him call the shots on how you are going to go on with your life.

Never mind about him and his sad little life, what about YOU vole? How are YOU doing?

I think you ought to give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't remove his stuff it will be disposed of. tell him to put it in storage if he has to. Not your problem.

How am I doing?

Well, up and down. Have been reading a couple of self-help books - 'From Abandonment to Healing' and 'Thriving after Divorce'.
They make quite a bit of sense and show me that I'm not losing the plot completely.

One of the things the books said was how different abandonment grief is from bereavement. In bereavement you still have the status of being part of a couple, the other person 'leaves' and you still have the knowledge that they loved you and you were everything to them, people rally round you, don't expect you to cope on your own and work expect you back when you are able, you get the pay out from life insurance so things are a bit better financially - you don't get any of this when you are dumped.

So far since January when I found out about the affair and July when he left, I have had the grand total of 2 lots of 2 days to try and get my head round things.
People are very kind, but I feel that they must be thinking 'why is she still going on about things after all this time?' so I don't say much most of the time. Until someone walks down the corridor and says 'Alright Vole?' and then I just dissolve.
One of the other girls at work lost her partner earlier this year (she found out about his affair in the morning, asked him to stay at his mums whilst she thought about things at lunchtime, he killed himself that afternoon as he couldn't bear the idea of not being with them, leaving her and their 2 under 7's). She quite rightly had a number of months off work, I don't feel that I am so deserving or that work would not view it in the same way.

I try to keep busy, but find just doing my normal routine takes all my energy. Sleep is disturbed between small boy joining me, waking up and not getting back to sleep and just thinking about things. Glad to say DS seems to have cracked the night time dryness :)

I know that a lot of what is happening is only 'feelings' not fact and temporary, but it seems hard to believe that is has now been 8 months since everything imploded and yet still so far from being sorted.

You can come here and talk about things until the bovines come home, vole. It needs to replay...you need to work out your feelings. I hate it too when people show sympathy in real life...then the tears come...feels bloody annoying, as if you are out of control.

I send hugs and empathy for your hurt. I still wake up sick and sad. Every morning. The rest of the day I am putting myself back together. I am Lego.

Try little triumphs every day. Yesterday I sent off forms to join a theatre group. Absolutely madness the way I am feeling but they allocate an existing member who contacts you and introduces you to the group. I am planning ahead for Christmas - joining groups so that I will have contact, people...things to be interested in.

Keep posting. The warmth and wisdom of other women has truly kept me sane. I have a lot of warm and grateful feelings for the kind ladies on Mumsnet. Work through it when you need to and slink away at times when you need that. You will survive vole and much more than that...you will thrive.

xx

Well, so far this morning have tidied the kitchen food cupboards (chucking out a whole load of stuff only he eats :) ), found where the local gingerbread meeting is for this afternoon and spent 5 minutes getting the playdoh out of the barber shop head with a large pin - most satisfying

I'm joining a zumba class on Thursday and will work off some of the comfort eating before Christmas.

Guess it's about time I got out of my pj's and went to the farmers market.

Dear Vole,
nice to read the update. You decide what to do with his stuff. Another poster here dumped it all on ex's front step. Get it out of the way, and don't be soft hearted when you go to relate. If you can't face it, it makes you unhappy don't go or discontinue. Try not to be sad (hard I know), but think about this year as a year for you and DS - settling him into school, perhaps making new friends with mums - don't worry some of them will be single too and some may wish they were single. There are two good outcomes - you and DS find yourselves and enjoy your new life, he eventually realises what he is missing and makes some kind of relationship with you again. Only one of those you can control. And try hard not to have him around in the house with you about, it makes the detachment so much worse.

Hi Vole,
have just read your whole post, so sorry to hear about your situation. I discovered STBXH was having an affair with ex work colleague, ending my 24 yr marriage.

Like you I was in complete shock for several months. We went to Relate for 2 sessions, but please don't expect too much, on our first session I felt the counsellor had already given up (we had different agendas!! too right, he went to salve his conscience, I went to save my marriage).

I am now 4 months down the line, haven't even got to mediation yet, divorce papers filed. XDH still living with parents & only contact I have is by text & only about DS issues, I will not respond direct to him about any other matter. XDH doesnt like this & wants to be amicable but that went out of the window when he refused my offers of making our marriage work. That was the time I wised up.

It is a very,very sad, traumatic time. You will examine yourself, feel guilty, feel sad, angry. All normal. But try not to blame yourself, as I have read on other threads, he said his marriage vows to you.. for better for worse, forsaking all others - & thats the bit that really hurt me (because I had & I did but he chose not to).

I agree with Punky, baby steps for you, do jobs that make you feel good about yourself. Keep busy, focus on yourself, do things (or work towards) things that YOU want to do.

It is so difficult being the person with the day to day care. I resent the fact that my STBXH is off with OW living the single life.. but I cannot control that.

You sound very strong Vole, in fact from your posts I do think you are on top of things. Make sure you get your Tax Credits & Council Tax reduction if you are now living on your own, you don't want to have to worry about money any more than you have to.

Keep strong & keep posting on MN, I dont even have a thread but I picked up so much good advice and positive vibes, just knowing that you're not the only one to have had to deal with all this shite helps immensely and you will get good support I promise.

Sorry to hijack your thread but just wanted you to know that there are those of us in the same boat, if that helps.
Take care x

Hi Vole

I?ve just found your thread. Sorry I missed it first time around but I was probably wrapped up in my own implosion at the time.

It sounds like you have sussed things out and know what you need to do, but I know full well that knowing what you should do and then actually doing it is the hardest part but you just have to force yourself to do it. Owly?s right, baby steps are the best way forward and you take those steps with such heavy feet but before you know it you're not thinking about those steps anymore and you will then start running to your new life, you really will (granted with plenty of backward steps in between).

You are on a roller coaster now and you don?t always have control of the downward lurches and I?ve found that accepting that fact really helps. I try not to wallow but sometimes I just have to and then I surround myself with duvets, pillows and chocolate!

Do figure out lots of things you want to do for YOU, even little things. I found that by keeping a pretty little book in my handbag, I was able to jot down those random ?oh, I always wanted to do that ...? thoughts. Then of an evening I read through the notes and figure out if I really do want to do it and if I do I book it or research it for later in the year.

As for feeling old at 40, I?m 45 and I now feel like I?m in my early 30s. Some say I look it too these days (trust me, I didn?t before). This has all come about while I discover the real B&A and what makes me laugh and what makes me tick. I?ve got to say the 38 year old chap I?ve got in tow right now makes me tick!!

I guess all I want to say is it does get better. Don?t try and be superwoman and don?t be ashamed about pleasing yourself and being selfish. So many of us lose ourselves in the humdrum of ?being a wife?, ?being a housekeeper?, ?being a mother? and forget to ?be ourselves?. During my marriage I was very independent with a good job and my hobbies but despite all of my independence I still had H at the centre of my universe and somehow everything I did was in some way, about him or was compromised to accommodate what he wouldn?t do and I have vowed that I will never be compromised again by a partner.

You are right to remove the physical reminders of him from your daily life and I promise that the reminders in your head do fade. Even if you can?t do what Saff?s loved ones did and dump his belongings on his new front garden, at least shoving them in bin bags, either in the shed or buried in the corner of the spare room will help.

You seem to be so together, Vole. Good for you! Enjoy the glorious weather and keep posting. IMO it is the most cathartic thing you can do.

xx

Thank you ladies for your kind thoughts. I am only the way I am today because of reading your threads and taking on board the advice given.

I would love to make friends at the school gates, however work means that I have a child minder before and after school. I live in a village 15 miles from where I work, so opportunites are somewhat limited for socialising and so far I haven't sussed out any local babysitters (didn't need them before :( ). I do go to slimming world every week and have made a few friends there, but I don't want to be out too often as I don't want DS to think I'm deserting him too. Luckily SW has gone double session, as my childminder also goes I will meet her and DS there after work, run the shop and then get home at about 7.30.

The gingerbread thing came to nothing, got an email just before I headed off to say that the venue and time had changed, so had missed it for this week. Working next week and the week after, so maybe at the end of the month. Soft play centre it is then! Or paint the fence. Guess you know what my vote is!

In some ways I am pleased that I am almost at the end of the 12 months post discovery, even if it will be another 6 months after that until he has been gone a year. October 16th marks 100 days since he left. Time to crack open the champagne? PM me if you're near the NR postcodes and we can share.

Morning all.
Enjoyed the sunshine whilst DS ran riot wore himself out.

Couldn't be bothered with cooking so ended up in Prezzos - DS ordering for himself for the first time, 'pisketti with bolognese and pasta and garlic bread'. Bless!

HI Vole I'm also in shock at xh leaving.

He e-mailed me one month ago today to say he was having an affair with a friend of ours and that he'd fathered her 'sperm donor' child.

I'm fortunate that I won't have to leave my house, we have property and he moved to one that was empty. Last week he moved loads of stuff out. It was incredibly traumatic. More than anything it felt like he was violating 'my' house.

We had been together 28 years and have a 5 year old DD.

Just woken up from a bad dream where I walked into a pub and found him getting cosy with someone he shouldn't.

Wish I could say I woke up and knew it wasn't true.

It must be the night for it.
I dreamt that my situation was all a bad dream and I woke to tell h about it and he reassured me that he'd never do such a thing.
Then I woke up for real and it's hit me like a ton of bricks again.

It's like being in a series of collisions, I know the next one is coming I just don't know when.

He's coming for the last of his stuff today. I want it out of my house, but him taking it cements the fact that he's gone.

Oh Vole and Child - those dreams are the most horrifying things of all, aren't they? I have these beautiful dreams of resolution, where he says he loves me. I'm sure that I must be smiling in my sleep and for those first few seconds when I wake, everything is normal. Life is good. Then as you say child.....the collisions. I have been sick with the shock, I have collapsed on the floor.

Please come on here when he comes to pick up his stuff Child...tell me the time and I will wait on Mumsnet. I will hold your hand.

Punk you warm my poor broken heart.
He's taken his stuff and I'm all alone.

I feel like being sick.

I'm so gratefull that I've got DD.
I have to carry on for her sake if for nothing else.

I want her to see that adults can split up and be civil co-parents with each other.
He's a very good dad when he's not got his head up his arse.
He loves DD and she loves him too.
She knows he's done something very bad to mummy.
She asked if it was ok to still love him after he'd hurt me.
She's a very smart, beautifull girl.

At least I can now say I love her more than anyone else on the planet.
She used to worry that I loved her daddy more than her because we'd been together so long. I've always assured her that I love her more than anything.

It's so sad.
I know that there is something better waiting around the corner for me but it seems very distant today.

Oh Child...I know exactly how you feel. You feel broken. If you lived near me (near Reading in Berkshire) I would bring you round here and you could cuddle my chickens. I would make you tea.

There is life. It is hard to see right now.

My DD does not want to see her father....that is very very sad. I am glad that at least you have that agreement - make sure that it is very much on your terms, because you are fragile.

PM me if you would ever like.

Please look after yourself. Get help wherever you can. We must - to bear this - to get through this.

xx

Hi Punky, any chance of cuddling your chickens at half term? I am visiting my brother in Old Basing so will be in your neck of the woods.

Currently I can't decide which DS aged 4 would prefer between Legoland and Thorpe Park. Or maybe just take him to Windsor Castle as he is going through that stage at the moment.

Hi girls, just checking in.
Sorry Child, 28 years is so long (mine was 25), somehow the reality is just too unbelievable.
Vole - go for Legoland, I think Thorpe Park too many scary rides.
I read somewhere after my split that men have it very difficult, they create something (a child) which their DPs love more than them,but which is part of them, so it leaves them feeling v left out. Not that I am in any way condoning the behaviour,not that I feel I put my DS before my XDH. They just do not comprehend the bond between mother & child. They are like children themselves and still feel they should be Number 1 for attention, once we are too knackered through children/work/housework/shopping they cast us adrift.
Perhaps we should have entered marriage knowing that once we bear their children we are no longer useful, & need to pass on to someone who doesn't know our childbearing history & doesn't look at us in that light.
Don't think about life round the corner yet, take each day as it comes and just do what feels best for you and what makes you feel stronger.

Hi Punk, I wish I was closer, I always wanted chickens.
My dream house in the country would've had buff orpingtons, all cuddly and fluffy.
I guess it may take a bit longer to attain that dream now.

Today's been a real roller coaster, I'm very sad now but can see that there is life after a split.
The truth is he's been a bastard and I don't want him back.
I just wish it hadn't happened in the first place.

But it has happened so I'm trying to look forward rather then wishing for something I can't have.
The support I've had from everyone has kept me going.
Mumsnet is a great comfort at daft o'clock in the morning.

So sorry you're going through this, Vole. Making plans for trips with DS is good, though.

In my experience, 4 year olds do like Legoland. Thorpe Park might be a bit of waste of money - there are so many things smaller children can't go on. Thorpe Park is ideal when they're in their teens, provided they like theme parks. I had one that didn't and one that did!

Won a freebie family trip to Alton Towers on here last year so was able to take turns on rides with X.

Shame they don't have babysitters by rides so single parents can still go on the scary stuff :(

I would love to go to Drayton Manor, but that is just a bit too much of a trek at the moment.

Vole - pm me nearer half term and of course you can come and visit. We used to go a lot to Legoland - great for little 'uns.

Wise words indeed, wiseoldowl.

Child - I am trying lots of my own coping techniques - fighting the times I just want to sob. I have revenge fantasies - would never do them but they help. I am joining things - a writers' group (lovely people) and even a theatre group (madness but hey). I am forcing my way through the grief. House has somewhat gone to pot, as I have no energy.

Sending out warmth and love. Yes, men do have it hard after splitting from the warmth and love of home. After all, they have done quite harm..no one's soul can survive intact after that. They are the fools. But yes, it still hurts...

Actually managed to get a 'lie in' until 0515. Yay! Does mean I have got all of my morning jobs out of the way and can browse MN without feeling guilty or rushing stuff

Still having weird dreams though, not anything in particular, just the sort where you're not in control of what's happening and have to go with the flow and hope for the best. Just like life eh!