I can't believe he's gone

[vole3]

Where do I start.
Have known H almost 20 years, together 14 and married 12 with a 4 yr old DS.

Like all relationships there have been ups and downs with him supporting me through cancer scare and rheumatoid as a result of my pregnancy and me supporting him through job losses, depression and a significant head injury following an assault when our son was 3 weeks old. I would say that on balance I have had to be a lot more understanding than he has!!

In january I discovered he'd been having an affair with a family friend for a number of years, which he blamed on having to rediscover who he was as a result of the head injury. He agreed that he'd been a bit of an idiot and wanted to try again. We'd been going along OK and had managed to get all aspects of our relationship back on track.

However I had a bit of a wobble 2 weeks ago as I felt he'd been withdrawing again (partly as a result of being a home manager for Southern Cross who went down the pan yesterday). I asked if he could answer some questions regarding the affair as his way of dealing with it was to close the door. He agreed to answer the questions, but he felt that I was rehashing old stuff, whilst I felt that he had not given me the full picture and I needed the timeline clear in my head. This was when i found out that in actual fact the affair had been on / off for a year before our son was born. So can't blame it on'it wasn't me it was the head injury' any more.

OK, big thing to accept being lied to again, but I asked if he still wanted to be a family and to go to counselling and he said he wanted this. He said that he loved me as a person, the mother of his son etc but that the spark was gone and he didn't know how / if it would come back.

Oh!

When we first met we both recognised that 'coup de foudre', but realised that as students it wasn't going anywhere. He got back in touch with me, which is how we got together. Despite having to get to know him as a different person from who he was before the head injury, and despite everything that I have had to reconcile this year, I still love him, both for himself and for being my sons brilliant father.

Last week he announced that he wanted some space to think and feared the worst for our relationship. WTF! Not quite sure how you can enjoy family life when you have walked out on your wife and son, but I agreed to this.

Anyway, he left this morning to couch surf with a mutual friend who has actually been helpful to both of us, but also caught in the middle as he has been saying one thing to them and another to me.

I can't believe that he is so ready to leave his adored son. Up until last year we shared childcare and both had 2 days a week with him, the other 3 he was with a childminder. He loves being with him, and he with his daddy. I can't believe his is willing to throw away so much shared history (he did say he wanted to try for 'history and hope'), and the future we were planning.

It makes me so sad that our son will probably have very few memories of being a family as he grows up and we will each miss out on parts of his life when he is with the other person. DS is also starting school in September, so the timing is crap as there will be so many other changes happening in the next few weeks, not that there ever is a good time for these things to happen.

Am I being a fool to want to try to sort things out, especially as I fear that he may decide at some time in the future that he wants out again?

Yes I am scared about finances, yes I am scared that we may have to move house as it may not be possible for me to cover bills on my own, yes I am scared about how to manage working (healthcare, shifts, you get the picture) and yes I am scared of being solely responsible for my sons wellbeing for the majority of the time. Parenting is a tag team event! Am I scared of being on my own? Yes and no. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to be there, but it was hard enough coming back to an empty house when he had to work away 3 days a week for 5 months when DS was 1.

The only family I have nearby is my in-laws. My mother is 86, 250 miles away and going downhill slowly, 1 brother 300 miles away, 2 in New Zealand and my half-siblings all over retirement age and again on the other side of the country. I have to hold things together for DS sake, but I am finding it very hard indeed. Work are being as supportive as they can (still not willing to risk wearing mascara there yet).

As for future relationships, I believe that he will (he may already have and is just lying to me again), I don't know if I ever could open myself up to the risk of being hurt again and being a full time worker and mum won't exactly give much opportunity!

Thank you for reading this and I know you are sending me good thoughts over the ether, but I am just so very very sad at the moment.

Dashing around but didn't want to read and run.Just wanted to say you poor girl- you sound lovely and deserving of so much more.Had a bad patch with my DH over last year but nowhere near as bad as this -and still I was in pieces at times.No wonder you daren't wear mascara.Don't feel experienced enough to offer advice but hope some more helpful and MN's come along soon to give you lots of support.All the best.

If he's been having a relationship with this woman for at least 5 years, then I'd say it's odds-on that he's still seeing her. You've only got his word for it that it started 5 years ago - it could have been longer ago still. He has lied and lied to you. The reason you re-visited your questions a fortnight ago was because the version you've been told didn't quite fit - and also his behaviour was, I imagine, reminiscent of the affair and what caused you to discover it.

Let him go now. You've tried your hardest, but you can never rescue a relationship while the other person is still keeping secrets. It will hurt like hell, but after the last 7 months, in some ways it will be a relief not to keep wondering.

Thanks stargazy for calling me a girl :)

I turned 40 just after the revelation. They say life beings at 40, but in some ways I feel mine has ended.

Yes Darius, you are probably right that it is time to let go, but I still would feel guilty for my son that I didn't do everything to keep his family together.

You did try. You tried harder than many people would. You were willing to get past an affair that went on for 4+ years with someone who was meant to be your friend. He did this to you despite you suffering a life-threatening illness, a life-limiting condition and also deluded you into bringing a child into the world, while he was having an affair. Now you're trying to persuade yourself that you can get past an affair that went on for longer than 5 years. But he doesn't actually want you to get past this.

It is him giving up on this, not you. In some ways, he is making the decision that you cannot, for some reason. Be thankful for that, in many ways.

My dad left my mum when she was about 40, she still maintains that her 40s were her best decade!

She is stronger, more confident, more outgoing and more part of society in general than she was under my father's watch.

Life WILL get better, it really will. The pain will ease and you will rise up again.

We'll always be here for you, you know that! ((hugs))

So sorry OP, I am 40 and it's all gone tits-up for me as well. It's scary.

I think you have to try to let go emotionally and stop having expectations. You need to let him go away and sort himself out. I think you should keep an open mind. Overcoming a serious head injury is a massive thing. It can change someone's personality, it can also lead them to reassess and question everything in their life. He may have PTSD from the assault. He may need help. As another has said, he may still be having an affair.

Whatever, you need to try and pull back and focus on yourself and your son. He has massive issues and you can only get hurt further by being involved and trying to force things.

Good luck

You are all right - it's not me it's him, but it doesn't stop me feeling like a failure.

Someone once said if you expect the worst of a situation, then you can't be disappointed. I don't think I'm going to be disappointed here.

Yes, he does have PTSD from the assault and has refused all help up until now, although he recognises that that may have been a bad thing. Bit late now. I have often said that if a head injury caused it, then another might cure it, but I just feel so angry and aggrieved for my son that I could quite happily do him the favour.

I have spent a couple of hours talking things through with the mutual friend, and whilst she didn't exactly say I needed my head examining for even considering trying to work things out, it was obvious from her 'hard stares'.

I do worry that whilst he is saying now that he wants to be a good dad, that once the reality of having to find and fund alternative accommodation, still contribute towards maintaining our home, have to sort out the mundane tasks of life that perhaps he may start to make excuses as to why he can't see DS or have him stay over. That may be the start of a slippery slope towards being part of DS life when H wants, not when DS needs or can predict and it will be me picking up the pieces / making excuses when in actual fact it should be him.

I know it will be difficult to maintain cordiality between us when I feel otherwise, so any pointers gratefully received.

On a slightly better note, I had lost 4 1/2 stone at slimming world, but gone 1 stone above target, now I'm almost half way back there!!

bump :(

It must be so hard, esp. with family so spread out. Do you have close friends to talk to?

I completely understand why you would feel so sad at the thought of your little boy growing up without the traditional family stuff going on, but ultimately, you need to be happy, and that might not happen if you try to force it.

Sorry, none of this is helpful. I think you really need to think about YOU, though, as well as your son. You deserve to be happy, not in a relationship where you are insecure/desperately trying to hang on.

Good points from the last 2 days-

Consulted CAB.
Made a list of the direct debits that can be cancelled or amended to reduce outgoings.
Changed next of kin with work.
Arranged to transfer pensions / death in service benefits to DS.
Started writing will online.
Started collecting boxes to pack his stuff.
Laughed when colleague put on a very sentimental love song CD at work due to her embarrassment when it started.
Planning to decorate downstairs loo tonight to put my mark on the place.

Haven't actually told H that he's burnt his bridges, saving that for the weekend :o

Not so good points-

Had to drive past the road where OW lives an DS saw a car similar to hers and asked 'Can we go see Aunty X?' and I had to explain that she'd done something bad that made mummy sad and that as we weren't friends anymore than I couldn't let him be friends with her any more. His face was very sad indeed :(
Not sure how much support will get from in-laws as they want to keep out of things, including not letting me drop off DS to them so H can see him.

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and how sad I feel for you.
I agree with your sentiments about keeping the family together and I am a big believer in making marriages work for the children unlesss abuse or desperate unhappiness is involved, but I must tell you in recent years several friends (and my beloved bro) have divorced and it's not all doom and gloom by a long shot. For the adults particular, to be honest. But also for the children.
If you are endlessly open and loving and honest with your son he will be okay. Keep things as stable as humanly possibly for him ie their routines, seeing grandparents, friends, same little bedtime routines. Don't bad mouth each other. Tell your little boy over and over again even when he is much older that none of it is/was their fault and they are deeply loved. It really is how you deal with a split that defines how they deal with it.
But you know all that I am sure!
Your husband has badly let you down and he is the one who has made it untenable for you to remain in the marriage.
Well done for all the steps you have taken so far. No mean feat in the circumstances.
Btw I am 40 (ok, 41!) too and I feel absolutely blooming fabulous! 40 is the new 21!!!!!
x

Met up with H tonight and let him know that I didn't want him back.

He was very quiet and I think a bit shocked that the decision had been taken out of his hands.

We spoke about what we wanted to do and agreed on the most important aspects - maintaining the current home and standard of living for DS, him providing childcare when I am working shifts, them being able to see each other.

I feel I have come out with the upper hand and I feel relieved that the indecision is over, but sad that things have had to end this way. I think he feels relieved that the decision has been made, but he was also quite tearful as he has now realised what he has lost.

We both spoke to DS about the situation, but I don't think it will sink in for some time yet.

Feeling a bit sad and jealous that as he's staying with a friend, he gets to come back to a house full of noise, a meal ready and company of an evening.

I feel he's got the easy part at the moment as he isn't really on his own, he's just swapped one domestic arrangement for another.

Guess he will only really get it once he has got a place of his own and goes back to an empty place, no meal ready and nobody to talk to except via the internet.

Good to hear that you feel relieved about your decision, even if you're sad at the same time. Is there anyone who can come and keep you company in the evening?

Unfortunately my only real friend in the area is the one whose couch he is occupying.

I also had DS asking 'Can I live with daddy?'. 'Just daddy?' I replied, 'No, both of you'. H doesn't get any of that, or the having to tell him that it isn't possible, or having to read DS favourite stories - Daddy on the Moon and Daddy's Little Boy.

He's also somewhat shocked at the price of renting locally - well tough shit, you chose to have an affair, you chose not to try to save your relationship and you chose to leave your wife and son.

Yes, I am having a bit of a 'poor me' day, but I think I am allowed one. Unfortunately my medication does not allow me to drink. Maybe just as well if DS is up early with his harmonica for company.......

Anyhow, 1 week on from my last post.

The week has had its high and low points. DS also seems to have regressed with regard to staying dry at night, Thursday was twice in 1 night despite me taking him to the loo at 2230, so less than 5 hours sleep (yawn).

Today I started packing up H things as it was getting to me seeing them around the place.

I mentioned this to him when we had to meet up and he said he was upset at the thought of this. Not quite sure how long he expected me to keep the shrine to him going for.

I also gave him the ultimatum of by Sept 10th he would have to either move back in and we go to counselling together and or apart or he would have to have moved his stuff out and found somewhere else to live so that we can have proper access sorted by the time DS has finished his first week at school.

He says his head is in a mess and doesn't know what he wants. Not just for our relationship, but life in general. He had another job interview and didn't get it, so is feeling somewhat low and rejected. Bully for you mate! How the heck do you think I feel having failed to make the grade. (OK I know that it was not me, it is his failings that have lead us down this path).

Well, I'm afraid that there is only so long I will put my life and that of DS on hold.

vole, don't worry about DS and the wetting thing, it's bound to come out somehow, and it will pass.

You are both in a situation of flux at the moment, things will sort themselves out when you are more settled. Just be understanding with DS, it could be emotions, it could easily just be tiredness.

Perhaps do the sheet layering technique, waterproof, normal then another waterproof and then another normal sheet, it takes a moment to whip off the top pair of sheets and then he is back in bed and asleep in minutes, as are you.

Perhaps if it's just you and DS, he may benefit from snuggling in with you for a couple of nights, to feel a little more reassured?

You are being so strong WRT the H, well done, stick with it.

You sound amazingly strong and together. Of course you will have low times, but you have got your ds (good and bad bits I'm afraid!), he will keep you going. I second Hissy's suggestion of letting ds snuggle up with you, it would be a real treat for him...and you too.

Tried the having DS snuggle with me - backfired a bit as on Thursday night I had to strip his bed at midnight then mine at 0230.
Just as well H is no longer in the spare room

As for sounding strong and together, well I'm much better than I was, but I'm not sure if somewhere in the background I'm hoping that he will see my show of strength and realise what an idiot he's been and want to come back. I was talking to a friend who went through a similar break up (male mid-life crisis, didn't know who / what he wanted). She said that when he left she expected he would be back. He did eventually want to come back after 9 months, but by that time she was no longer interested.

Only time will tell.

wishing you good luck with your decision. I think you have made the right choice for you and your son, you deserve to be treated with respect and love.

Oh. whoops!

Stick with it. reassure and keep going! It'll stop eventually.

Perhaps you just can't see how strong you really are?! It shines through here! Him being an idiot and walking out is HIS issue, he is the one that failed. Not you. Your friend sounds a great role model too! You know she is OK, she has survived and is strong, so can you be!

i agree that you sound really strong vole.

very glad to hear that he is talking responsibly about being there for ds when you're working shifts - would be so unfair if he wasn't willing to make the being apart work given it's his choice. let's hope he sticks to that commitment.

bit worried by your giving him that deadline, it sort of makes coming back the path of least resistance and when you're confused and directionless the path of least resistance is the one you fall down rather than choose iyswim. i'm not sure it's far enough away for him to be making a real choice rather than just not having anything else sorted so going with it, in which case you could have a repeat a bit further down the line and you and ds going through it all over again. could be really confusing for ds. not sure it really gives you long enough to be sure of what you want either.

all very tricky. i'm so sorry you're going through all this. i've never had a relationship that i felt confident enough in to want to get married, except when i was very young and not ready for it so had to let go and move on. so obviously i'm no expert in marriage! but i imagine you put so much into it thinking it is forever and when that is unexpectedly taken from you it must hurt so much and seem incredibly unfair that you have put so much in and done nothing wrong and yet the other person can just walk away.

keep talking and processing - seriously you're doing great. sad for you that he's moved in with your friend when you probably really need her now.

Unfortunately he has nowhere else to go, but thank goodness for texting.

In-laws run a B&B and are fully booked (and wouldn't have him as mother-in-laws' attitude is 'he should have kept his trousers zipped' or words to that effect), due to other issues he has no other friends he can couch surf with(head injury 4 years ago, feeling he is a different person, moving to a different town, working lots), and no spare cash to afford £80 per night in a travelodge or similar for an indeterminate length of time.

As for 10th september not being that far off, by then it will be 2 months since he left, so I think that is long enough. He never normally dallies over decisions, and on occasion it has come back to bite him in the butt. Perhaps it will this time, but I deserve to have a life and be able to make plans, all of which are on hold at the moment.

Update for anyone interested.

He decided he wasn't coming back on the bank holiday weekend.
Still staying with that friend.
No plans to move out because of work situation.
Doesn't want to pack his stuff or move it out until he has somewhere to put it and mug that I am I have started packing it so I don't have to look at it.

We are going to relate next week, but I think that is as a sop to his conscience.

Not impressed that one of his followers on twitter is shagbook.com , he could block it but hasn't. Guess that means he's over us as wants to give DS the best example of being a man.

vole - I did not see the original thread of yours..but since then (August) exactly the same has happened to me. 20 years. End. Living at his mother's. I can really relate to the comment you made about how can anyone be happy when they destroy a family? So sorry this has happened to you...I have all the same worries. Mine went to Relate briefly but yes, just to salve his conscience.

Make sure you get all the support you need and deserve. Come on here as often as you like...there are rather a few of it.

I know it hurts. But you are great; you are the strong parent who stayed, the better person. Things will work out for the best - for all of us. No one person - so unworthy of our love - should be able to destroy us.