I can't believe he's gone

[vole3]

Where do I start.
Have known H almost 20 years, together 14 and married 12 with a 4 yr old DS.

Like all relationships there have been ups and downs with him supporting me through cancer scare and rheumatoid as a result of my pregnancy and me supporting him through job losses, depression and a significant head injury following an assault when our son was 3 weeks old. I would say that on balance I have had to be a lot more understanding than he has!!

In january I discovered he'd been having an affair with a family friend for a number of years, which he blamed on having to rediscover who he was as a result of the head injury. He agreed that he'd been a bit of an idiot and wanted to try again. We'd been going along OK and had managed to get all aspects of our relationship back on track.

However I had a bit of a wobble 2 weeks ago as I felt he'd been withdrawing again (partly as a result of being a home manager for Southern Cross who went down the pan yesterday). I asked if he could answer some questions regarding the affair as his way of dealing with it was to close the door. He agreed to answer the questions, but he felt that I was rehashing old stuff, whilst I felt that he had not given me the full picture and I needed the timeline clear in my head. This was when i found out that in actual fact the affair had been on / off for a year before our son was born. So can't blame it on'it wasn't me it was the head injury' any more.

OK, big thing to accept being lied to again, but I asked if he still wanted to be a family and to go to counselling and he said he wanted this. He said that he loved me as a person, the mother of his son etc but that the spark was gone and he didn't know how / if it would come back.

Oh!

When we first met we both recognised that 'coup de foudre', but realised that as students it wasn't going anywhere. He got back in touch with me, which is how we got together. Despite having to get to know him as a different person from who he was before the head injury, and despite everything that I have had to reconcile this year, I still love him, both for himself and for being my sons brilliant father.

Last week he announced that he wanted some space to think and feared the worst for our relationship. WTF! Not quite sure how you can enjoy family life when you have walked out on your wife and son, but I agreed to this.

Anyway, he left this morning to couch surf with a mutual friend who has actually been helpful to both of us, but also caught in the middle as he has been saying one thing to them and another to me.

I can't believe that he is so ready to leave his adored son. Up until last year we shared childcare and both had 2 days a week with him, the other 3 he was with a childminder. He loves being with him, and he with his daddy. I can't believe his is willing to throw away so much shared history (he did say he wanted to try for 'history and hope'), and the future we were planning.

It makes me so sad that our son will probably have very few memories of being a family as he grows up and we will each miss out on parts of his life when he is with the other person. DS is also starting school in September, so the timing is crap as there will be so many other changes happening in the next few weeks, not that there ever is a good time for these things to happen.

Am I being a fool to want to try to sort things out, especially as I fear that he may decide at some time in the future that he wants out again?

Yes I am scared about finances, yes I am scared that we may have to move house as it may not be possible for me to cover bills on my own, yes I am scared about how to manage working (healthcare, shifts, you get the picture) and yes I am scared of being solely responsible for my sons wellbeing for the majority of the time. Parenting is a tag team event! Am I scared of being on my own? Yes and no. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to be there, but it was hard enough coming back to an empty house when he had to work away 3 days a week for 5 months when DS was 1.

The only family I have nearby is my in-laws. My mother is 86, 250 miles away and going downhill slowly, 1 brother 300 miles away, 2 in New Zealand and my half-siblings all over retirement age and again on the other side of the country. I have to hold things together for DS sake, but I am finding it very hard indeed. Work are being as supportive as they can (still not willing to risk wearing mascara there yet).

As for future relationships, I believe that he will (he may already have and is just lying to me again), I don't know if I ever could open myself up to the risk of being hurt again and being a full time worker and mum won't exactly give much opportunity!

Thank you for reading this and I know you are sending me good thoughts over the ether, but I am just so very very sad at the moment.

So, have got in touch with sol's (thanks Saffysmum for the recommendation) and have completed the pre-meeting form. Have to check diaries to get this show on the road, although fitting it in around work and DS will not be easy. You'd think they would have 1 evening a week when they work beyond 5pm or even, shock horror, a saturday morning availability!

I know I have your support and the threads provide inspiration and hope.

Appointment booked for 15th.
Paperwork needed for the first meeting is sorted. I included a transcript of the skype messages which I found on my netbook that blew my world apart. Reading it again reminded me that I did not deserve any of this and I am worth so much more.

In the mean time I am enjoying reading 'The Single Girl's To-Do List'. Not quite ready for law breaking, but the tattoo idea certainly appeals. Gives me some ideas for how to enjoy my freedom (when not at work, looking after DS, tackling the chores.....)

Keep up the good work Vole, you are sounding stronger.
x

Currently living in semi-building site as my brother, god bless him, has given up 3 days of his time back in the UK to fit a new bathroom for me. It has been a little surprising at moments (1950's council wiring onto pipe work!!).

Went to parents evening last night with X and handed over some post. Asked him to arrange mail redirect as it seems pointless his stuff coming to our home. Also asked him again if divorce was what he wanted as I have lots of things I would rather spend a grand on, namely DS, and he said 'at this moment in time, yes divorce is right'.

I just want to shake him.

It seems as if he is sleepwalking into this and completely detached from his actions and their impact on those around him. Unfortunately I know I'm not Pamela Ewing and I'm not going to wake up from this and find Bobby walking out of the shower (OK, just gave away my vintage once more ).
I can only hope one day he does 'wake up' and think 'holy shit, what have I don?', but I'm not going to hold my breath on that one.

I am seeing a lovely counsellor called Ruth who is gobsmacked by the events and could quite happily slap him around for me. She is doing her best to help me see the love and support I have around me in my friends and far away family. I know you can empathise with my feelings of that it doesn't matter if practically the whole world thinks I'm the best thing ever, if the one person I want to feel that way about me doesn't, then I am worthless.

Don't bother even asking for a redirect - I just write the last address that I knew he was at on the envelope and stick it back in the post box. Takes another 2 days to get there but who gives a shit?

You are getting there Vole but I don't think he will have regrets for a long time (going by what other RL friends have said) - you have to remember they are in lust!!
Keep on concentrating on yourself and 1 day you wake up after having a good sleep, and the sky seems brighter and you find yourself smiling at people more and life does generally get better.

Well, today is the day.

I have a session with my counsellor at 0915 followed by sols at 1100, then work at 1400. Might be home by 2230, but having been awake since 0430 it is going to be a very long and hard day. The icing on it will be seeing X when I get back as he is looking after DS whilst I am at work.

I hate that due to him I am not the strong, confident, funny, intelligent professional I once was, but I am reduced, full of hatred, anger and violence. That is not me (although I would like to put it to good use on him), but I don't know who I am any more.

Join the club Vole... I think we all need to take stock now and find ourselves again.

How did Sol appt go?....anything substantial been decided?

Sol is the same as Saffysmums. He is OK, slightly oily, but I can work with him.

Divorce petition completed, letter drafted to X, spoke about what he has offered as settlement, so now just a case of waiting.

Next week I have a friend from work staying for a few days so X is in the process of emptying the spare room of his stuff. Shame he has done nothing about the rest of the house, attic, utility, shed etc but he says he only wants his personal possessions.

Yesterday we went to another Relate session. I felt persecuted by both of them as the counsellor kept saying 'but you can't change things' as if I was wrong to even have wanted to reconcile (long way past that now). I did feel like yelling 'just because I can't change things, doesn't mean I have to agree with them or like them or not wish it was different'. I dont see any point in going back as I do not feel supported by her.

X didnt get one of the jobs he applied for and withdrew his application for the other. He is still refusing to rent anywhere as he feels his job is not secure enough to sign up for a 6 month tenancy, and he is being selective with what he will consider. I did ask how long he expected this situation to continue and he couldn't give an answer and the counsellor didn't express any opinion as to whether it was reasonable or not. She did seem to want to make an issue of my reluctance to allow DS to have overnights with X. Overnights would mean DS sharing a set of bunkbeds with a 9 year old girl and no actual space for him and X to be 'father and son' alone which I stated as the reason for my reluctance, I think I am allowed.

One bit of good luck is I have met and made friends with one of X's senior colleagues and have arranged a playdate for DS and her daughter. Oh, and a major bitching session about how much of a self-obsessed fantasist and boor X is.

I must try to remember that sometimes bad things happen so that better things can take their place.

I am still about, just bust getting on with life.

Things still have the ability to hit me from out of left field.

Yesterday I received my first Christmas card. It was from X's aunt and addressed to just me and DS, but addressed as Mrs X's Initial & Surname.

The good thing about yesterday was going to a works function and seeing my friends' mum there with her new partner that she has been seeing since the summer. Her husband walked out on her for a younger model after 38 years of marriage last year and she was devastated. Last night she looked stunning (as always for her, must get some tips) but also so happy and fulfilled.

Has your X got a job yet? How is the counselling going?

Noooo Vole! LOL at "slightly oily but I can work with him" - he's not my SHL - he's my SHL's partner. The real deal is back in January (and I'm set to go!). Seriously, he's ok, but I agree about the oily!

Anyway, seriously, how are you doing?

There was another lady in there last week when I went in to hand over large amounts of money, but she looked too young to have maternity leave recently IYKWIM.

At the moment we are still getting the letters drafted ready to send. Needed some things explaining and wanted to run things past my brothers, but being 13 hours apart time wise makes things a bit awkward.
As it seems that we have mostly got things agreed I hope (keeping everything crossed here) that it wont be too difficult, but obviously want to make sure every i is dotted and t crossed before signing up to things that cannot be undone.

My counsellor is very helpful, but only have 2 more sessions with her, 1 the week before Christmas and then probably 1 in the new year.

As for the jobs, he turned 1 down as not right position or money, got offered 1 in Northern Ireland (they are next to each other alphabetically on the head hunters list apparently) and chose not to relocate and is considering another 1 that is 70 miles away so theoretically could live midway between. He is in no hurry to sort things out.

I am trying to make time for nice things each week and next Saturday are at The Waterfront for The Doors Live (Saffy, feel free to join me if you aren't working) followed by that playdate on the Sunday. At some time must schedule in some housework, gardening, grout whitening(I do lead an exciting life ), present wrapping and getting Christmas decs down from the loft.

Well, things have moved on.

He has accepted a job 70 miles away and will be looking for somewhere to live at easter. This is likely to be at least 25 miles away so that puts paid to him being able to support me for early shifts during the week as he wont be able to get DS to the childminder and then get to his work on time.

I feel complete despair as I cannot control my own work life balance - has to be around what he can do, I cannot control where I live or with whom as it is likely I will have to move or get a lodger, and nothing I do for DS in order to work and maintain a home for him meets with his approval (I know I shouldn't take the wishes of a 4 year old into consideration, but when he begs not to go to the childminder but to visit Daddy and he wants Daddy to come back home) it does make me feel pretty awful as a mother.
And he has the gall to tell me not to be so negative and look at the worst case scenario before it happens.

Excuse me - IT ALREADY IS HAPPENING!! JUST NOT TO HIM.

I know how you feel, and I understand your frustration. It's galling the way they dump all this shit on us, then expect us to cope with it - whilst they seem to walk away scot free.

Re work - are there any options for you changing shifts?

Also, are you claiming tax credits - when he leaves they will increase, so it might be worth looking into what you're entitled to online (type in as if he's left already and they should give you an idea). Also, go on entitled.to and see if you are claiming all you can.

You are not an awful mother. It is impossible for a four year old to understand anything from someone else's perspective, so you have to just be really strong here, and he will adapt. Of course he wants Daddy back home, but all you can do is keep it simple, and repeat to him that it's not going to happen, but he will always be his daddy. Easier said than done, I know; but don't beat yourself up over this. If DS sees that you are ok, that home is stable, then he'll adjust. He'll also adjust to seeing his dad on a different basis. Hard, I know.

Don't try and fix things that are out of your control, you have to put yourself and DS first. Us mums have a tendency to ignore ourselves and put everyone else first, but if we aren't ok, believe me, the kids aren't ok.

You may have to move, you may have to get a lodger (perhaps someone from work, or someone you know?) but you will be ok.

Right now, you're coping with loads, and its overwhelming. Just go easy on yourself, and take it a day at a time. That's what I did and still do when it all gets too much.

X

Aaaah, the shifts......

Work is restructuring so that I no longer work overtime but will be expected to work my 37.5 hrs per week over the full 24/7.

Early 0600 - 1400 (30 mins break)
Theatre 0800 - 1600 (30 mins break)
Day 1 0845 - 1715 (60 mins break)
Day 2 0930 - 1800 (60 mins break)
Day 3 1200 - 2000 (30 mins break plus may be needed to cover from home after 0200)
Late 1400 - 2200 (30 mins break)
Twilight 1800 - 0200 (30 mins break)
Night 2200 - 0600 (30 mins break)
Weekend day 0900 - 1700 (30 mins break)

Bearing in mind that a twilight shift is paired with a late the next day it means that I will have to arrange overnight childcare prior to an early and for the nights of a twilight & late, 1200-2000 shift and night. So, I could drop DS at the childminder on a Monday morning and not see him again until Wednesday night, but as H is not able to cover this once he has moved jobs I will be reliant on others to swap shifts so that I do this at weekends which are my only time at home with DS. That's if H hasn't already got to cover his work at weekends or has something planned.........

I will get time off during the week, and some shifts will rely on my childminder being willing to have DS either an hour earlier or stay an hour later each day, but with no overtime, more childcare costs and being obliged to pay for childminder even if I don't need her it's crap all round.

I forgot to mention that DH announced the news about his new job on twitter on tuesday morning and told me tuesday night. When I said that I felt very hurt by this, he said he didn't think he needed to tell me. WTF! No, it's only my life and your sons life that is drastically changed by it.....

I do wonder sometimes, what is the point.

Oh, and as far as tax credits go, the only thing I am entitled to is the childcare voucher scheme and had that checked out by my employers work life balance team in September.

Moving - checked on Rightmove and a 2 up 2 down place in my village is only £40k less than my 4 bed semi, so even with H signing over all the equity I don't have enough for a 20% deposit and get a mortgage for the other 80% on my earnings :(

Just a thought OP

Could you get an au pair to help with your son?

First of all, you are not alone. There are lots of us going through this right
now and I hope that brings you some twisted comfort! I don't know how you get through it but time is the only thing that will lessen the pain and moving on with your life rather than staying still and living in a horrible dark place full of memories and pain.

I don't really want to cast judgement on your marriage, as what do I know?, but it doesn't look hugely optimistic at the moment. I think you need to weigh up your options and plan a life away from your husband and think of what you will do when you are alone with your child and then if things get back on track - great, but if not, you have some kind of plan of action and won't feel so lost and be all "what do i do now?" and panic.

Things will be tough and hard to deal with to start with but you will manage on your own. I have managed since my DD was 7 months old and even before then my H worked long hours and I didn't ever really get a break - none of the tag team parenting you talk of! I got about 3 weeks of help when DD was a newborn and then it was all me. It is amazing what you can do when you have to. When you have to look after a child you just do it don't you? It doesn't mean you are happy a lot of the time but you put the child first and try to make sure they are happy and content and looked after.

I don't think you should let him make all the decisions in your relationship - it sounds like he has been given a lot of leeway. Maybe the time apart is what you both need even if when he comes back the decision is to part. If he doesn't want to be part of your family then more fool him, but you don't want to beg him to stay only to worry if he really wants to be there or not.

I bloody feel for you. Sending you internet love (ooh sounds pervy!) and eventually things will begin to get brighter. This too shall pass.

Well, divorce petition approved and I guess it will be going through the courts in January now.

It is just a bit tough when you don't have control over your life and don't know when or if you will get it back....