I can't believe he's gone

[vole3]

Where do I start.
Have known H almost 20 years, together 14 and married 12 with a 4 yr old DS.

Like all relationships there have been ups and downs with him supporting me through cancer scare and rheumatoid as a result of my pregnancy and me supporting him through job losses, depression and a significant head injury following an assault when our son was 3 weeks old. I would say that on balance I have had to be a lot more understanding than he has!!

In january I discovered he'd been having an affair with a family friend for a number of years, which he blamed on having to rediscover who he was as a result of the head injury. He agreed that he'd been a bit of an idiot and wanted to try again. We'd been going along OK and had managed to get all aspects of our relationship back on track.

However I had a bit of a wobble 2 weeks ago as I felt he'd been withdrawing again (partly as a result of being a home manager for Southern Cross who went down the pan yesterday). I asked if he could answer some questions regarding the affair as his way of dealing with it was to close the door. He agreed to answer the questions, but he felt that I was rehashing old stuff, whilst I felt that he had not given me the full picture and I needed the timeline clear in my head. This was when i found out that in actual fact the affair had been on / off for a year before our son was born. So can't blame it on'it wasn't me it was the head injury' any more.

OK, big thing to accept being lied to again, but I asked if he still wanted to be a family and to go to counselling and he said he wanted this. He said that he loved me as a person, the mother of his son etc but that the spark was gone and he didn't know how / if it would come back.

Oh!

When we first met we both recognised that 'coup de foudre', but realised that as students it wasn't going anywhere. He got back in touch with me, which is how we got together. Despite having to get to know him as a different person from who he was before the head injury, and despite everything that I have had to reconcile this year, I still love him, both for himself and for being my sons brilliant father.

Last week he announced that he wanted some space to think and feared the worst for our relationship. WTF! Not quite sure how you can enjoy family life when you have walked out on your wife and son, but I agreed to this.

Anyway, he left this morning to couch surf with a mutual friend who has actually been helpful to both of us, but also caught in the middle as he has been saying one thing to them and another to me.

I can't believe that he is so ready to leave his adored son. Up until last year we shared childcare and both had 2 days a week with him, the other 3 he was with a childminder. He loves being with him, and he with his daddy. I can't believe his is willing to throw away so much shared history (he did say he wanted to try for 'history and hope'), and the future we were planning.

It makes me so sad that our son will probably have very few memories of being a family as he grows up and we will each miss out on parts of his life when he is with the other person. DS is also starting school in September, so the timing is crap as there will be so many other changes happening in the next few weeks, not that there ever is a good time for these things to happen.

Am I being a fool to want to try to sort things out, especially as I fear that he may decide at some time in the future that he wants out again?

Yes I am scared about finances, yes I am scared that we may have to move house as it may not be possible for me to cover bills on my own, yes I am scared about how to manage working (healthcare, shifts, you get the picture) and yes I am scared of being solely responsible for my sons wellbeing for the majority of the time. Parenting is a tag team event! Am I scared of being on my own? Yes and no. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't want to be there, but it was hard enough coming back to an empty house when he had to work away 3 days a week for 5 months when DS was 1.

The only family I have nearby is my in-laws. My mother is 86, 250 miles away and going downhill slowly, 1 brother 300 miles away, 2 in New Zealand and my half-siblings all over retirement age and again on the other side of the country. I have to hold things together for DS sake, but I am finding it very hard indeed. Work are being as supportive as they can (still not willing to risk wearing mascara there yet).

As for future relationships, I believe that he will (he may already have and is just lying to me again), I don't know if I ever could open myself up to the risk of being hurt again and being a full time worker and mum won't exactly give much opportunity!

Thank you for reading this and I know you are sending me good thoughts over the ether, but I am just so very very sad at the moment.

Lets just say, the day did not go well.

I texted the person X is living with to ask her if she could encourage / suggest / support X in seeing more of me and DS to help with us achieving a good relationship for the sake of DS and she refused. No amount of explanation as to why it is needed helped.

She intends to see X as much as ever once he has his own place, despite knowing that the closeness of their friendship is one of the reasons we separated and that I still find it difficult. I did suggest that she had her own agenda for not wanting X and I to get on better and she was offended at the suggestion. Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.

Basically she will do what she wants and that does not involve being my friend, helping me or respecting my feelings.

Oh Vole that sounds like a heavy realisation for you.
I seem to be going through the same.
Just think of the emotional lows and knockbacks as a strengthening tool.
After what you're going through you can probably acheive anything!

My inner child agrees with yours, I want back the wonderful man I thought I was married to.
The truth is that lovely man hadn't been around for a long time prior to him leaving and I've coped.
Also another truth, life is calmer, tidyier and simpler now he doesn't live here anymore.

I'll pass on some advice I was given on sunday night,
'He's not thinking about you anymore so you need to do so. Think about your child and yourself, what do you want out of this mess? Take control and make a new start without him, he's not coming back.'
To which I said I wouldn't take him back, so my friend said right then what's stopping you get out there and having a life without him you know you can.

What's stopping me having a new life?
There's only so much you can do from the prison comfort of your own living room.
Not having any family nearby willing to babysit other than X, the only friends who are willing to babysit or have sleepovers are 30 miles away (we work at the same place which is in the middle) and X isn't really in a position to have sleepovers until he gets his own place.
(Besides the fact that it is rubbing salt into the wound when DS says at least daily 'when daddy stops living with Hanna he can come back and live with us', which shows that DS realises that it is not a normal situation and I don't feel comfortable him going there any more, but I don't have any other choice when I'm on nights).

You're right, he's not thinking of me. His life is so stressful with work, not having a place to call his own, 'nobody' to talk to, stress of not being paid properly when his company went to the wall (shame he can no longer sponge off me). Yeah and he gets to do all of this without having to add in running a home and looking after a lovely little boy.

Anyway, I have an appointment with my GP this morning and we will see what he has to say. I really don't want to go on AD's on top of all my other medications. I have a situational depression which will only change when the situation changes, drugs will only be masking the symptoms, the cause will still be there.

I felt much more settled once I'd seen my GP.
Neither he nor I wanted ADs. They're there if needed but as you so rightly say they can't change the situation only mask it.

To tell the GP what had happened actually was a relief.
He was as shocked as everyone else.
It validated my feelings to know that an impartial person thinks it's dreadfull too.

I get what you're saying about the prison of home.
Are you able to redecorate or even move things around enough to make it look different?
Once all xh's stuff had finally gone last week it was great. A very emotional day but a new start too.

I got a new mattress (been needing one for years), what a relief to not be sleeping on the same mattress as I was with him. Also it's helped my very dicky back.

I do hope that you feel more positive after seeing the GP. Mine certainly perked me up no end.

You are strong and you will cope.
We're all in this together and we're all here to help each other.

Back from GP.

He suggests going down the counselling route via work and relate as drugs not necessarily helpful. Reassess things after half term.

I did redecorate the downstairs loo after he left, but I have no time, money or energy to do anything else . Also as the spare room is still full of his stuff I have nowhere to store things whilst redecorating. I will probably do my bedroom and will get a new bed. It may also sort out the sciatica I have been getting on and off for the last 6 months.

I have reorganised the kitchen cupboards and emptied them and the freezer of the things he liked. His beer fridge is now full of veggies and chocolate.

Anyway, had better head into work. It is really great having your GP surgery 100 yards down the road.

If you were this other woman vole, would YOU not be of as much help as possible to YOUR friend to get her family back?

This woman is no friend, she has an agenda alright and your thoughts on her over-protestations are bang on. If she's not with you love, she's against you. She IS complict in the wrecking of a home.

You need to write the pair of them off.

Can you (please) load up his stuff in the spare room and dump it all on her doorstep? Clear HIM out of your life, reclaim your life.

You will rise again, you will feel better. You are too good a person for HIM, and for a lowlife like her. Move on young vole, move on.

((hugs))

Anyone have a van /people carrier in the Norwich area to help me move stuff? I will pay petrol and feed you.
I just feel a bit aggrieved paying to hire a van to shift his crap stuff.

Not that she has anywhere to put it in her 2 1/2 bed mid terrace .

Suppose I could fill up his parents garage, and then I will have to do the attic.......

I know just where I want to stick his golf clubs

vole, his storage is not YOUR problem....

FORE!!!!

Managed to sleep until 05:55 today with only the odd wake up, turn over and go back to sleep rather than the wake up and stew about stuff.

DS still joining me at about 0100 every night. It's nice to have him there, but it would also be nice not to get hit by flailing arms or legs.

Still having weird dreams, but just odd, not scary.

We will see what the day brings with almost a full nights sleep behind me. I am working in a place where I can't have my phone on, so have arranged for work counsellor to call during my lunch break to arrange things and my childminder has offered to keep DS later if needed.

I'm glad you managed a more normal night's sleep Vole.
I've gone back to waking at 4am and stewing.

Although I know where I'm going on a practical level the emotional side just seems to get bigger and more messy.
My brain is remembering things that now make complete sense but didn't at the time.

I'm now concerned that this isn't the first time he's had an affair.
His behaviour during the last year is similar to years ago when he was away more than usual for work. Was he having an affair then?
He says that he's never done it before, I don't know what to believe.
Statistically the affair men go public with is usually not the first one they've had.
Not that that is any comfort.
I just can't trust a word he says, it's very unsettling and shows no sign of calming down.
If I could switch off my brain it would be great.

He didn't go public with it, left skype up on my netbook with a less than subtle conversation.

Denied it at first until presented with the evidence.

Vole3 if you get the spare room clear, can you get a lodger? Maybe even one who will agree to do some babysitting for lower rent? Might solve a lot of your problems.
Do Norwich Council take away rubbish? Or could you get one of those Hippo (I think thats the brand) bags, for his stuff if he won't take it by a certain date.

Good luck!

I have thought of getting a lodger. If it was just me it would be a lot easier, I do have to think of what's best for DS. If I advertise through work at least I can be sure that they have been CRB checked.

I have suggested to one of our radiography students (worked as a care assistant with us before that) that when she is on placement she can stay with us rather than pay for hospital accommodation.

Oh Vole,
You still seem to be thinking FOR him....
If I were you I would text him to tell him that all his stuff will be on the front lawn on Saturday and that it is down to him to take it away. Then you must put it all out on the lawn & watch it go.

He has chosen to leave and you are not a storage facility. Believe me it is very cathartic and freeing to de-clutter your place.

Detach,detach,detach. He is against you and so is she, there is no point trying to logic with these people they are in their own loved-up land (well they think it is until they come across your shit hot solr that will be wiping the floor with him).

Vole, please try to start thinking of you & ds, it is the 2 of you now and no-one else.

Having a bit of a rough day.

Not helped by the fact that DS woke me up at 4am, I didn't get back to sleep, kept awake by nosiy neighbours and phone calls once DS dropped off at school and now I am at work until 7am tomorrow.

The counselling service that work have put me in touch with seem somewhat out of touch with the reality of working full time and having a child to care for. 'Can you make it at 10am on X day' - no I work full time, 'what about 6pm on Y day' - no I don't have anyone to look after DS, 'in that case we will have to look at the week beginning 7th november' - whatever!!

Yet another evening to be spent on my own once DS in bed.

Absolutely dog tired as only got 3 hours sleep once back from night shift and jobs done. No point having an early night as will wake up in the small hours and not be able to sleep.

So looking forward to my friends sons birthday party tomorrow, even if I have got 150 sausage rolls to make and bake tomorrow morning.

I'm on my own too Vole.

I only got a few hours sleep last night as first the cat and then DD decided that being awake at night was a good thing to do.
I wouldn't have cared if it was a night when I couldn't sleep, but it wasn't.

I've changed some stuff round in the living room this afternoon after a morning by the seaside. Both very cathartic.

DD had upset xh at the end of her visit with him. She'd said something intended to wound which he took to heart more than he might have done in normal circumstances.
It was strange seeing him so upset, clearly his departure is causing him to be more sensitive than usual.
DD and xh never usually have words, they normally get on really well.
I think she's torn between her love for her Daddy and her anger at how much he's upset me.

Have just sent X the following email. I think it is considered, respectful but assertive.

X,

I noticed you have tweeted regarding sorting your off duty over the Christmas period.

Knowing how difficult this first Christmas since you left us was going to be, my brother has invited DS and me to spend Christmas in Basingstoke, and I have accepted.

It would not be in my interests to be spending Christmas alone, either waiting for you to drop by to visit DS in between you visiting the home and your parents or waiting for you to bring DS back to me after taking him to see your parents. This will be the first Christmas I have spent with my family in 20 years and I will need the support and love of my family to help me through this incredibly hard time. It may also be the only time DS gets to spend Christmas with my mother.

I plan to be away from the 24th until the 28th, thereby ensuring DS will be back to have a joint Christmas / Birthday celebration with Granny / MIL.

Last night DS mentioned writing his letter to Father Christmas.
I don?t think he can bring you back to give DS his family, but that?s what he wants to ask for.
(as well as Fire Station Playmobil, Hot Wheels stuff, Moondough, Chuggington playsets, the list is endless).

(I also included bits about hoping he could feed our cats, but if not to let me know, but didn't think you would be bothered about that.)

Good call. The 1st christmas after our dad left, my mum accepted an invitation to visit friends in Philadelphia! It was GREAT!

Hope you enjoy Basingstoke, I'm in a village about 9m out, but work in and around the town all the time! PM me if you want a coffee? I have a 5yo, well, by christmas he'll be 6.

I think your email was good, but for me, a tad too much asking permission rather than stating of facts, but it's a good start for you to assert yourself and make plans that YOU want to do.

Good for you love!

Hi HerScaryness.

I'll be in Old Basing next week for a couple of days, catching up with my brother and hitting Legoland. One of my other brothers lived in Tadley for many years before becoming the vicar of Aldermaston and his children & grandchildren still live in the area. If you went to The Hurst school in the 80's you might know my niece and nephews.

I'm from small villages on the North side of Basingstoke. Robert Mays is the area school.

Went to college in Basingstoke though, moved away early 90s and now been back here a couple of years now.

I'll see you in the week!

Went to relate again on Monday.

Laid my cards on the table that our marriage, such as it was, is dead but I wanted to make a new relationship with him for me and for DS.

He said he is not able to do this at this time, because of the PTSD of the head injury.

I asked him WTF he expected me to do whilst he made up his mind and did he have any idea of acceptable time scale. He said he could not say when or if his feelings would change and that would not be before 'he knows who he is'.

I asked 'what if he did want to come back, but I no longer wanted him?' and he is willing to take that risk with our sons life. He did, however, say that he would be jealous if I met someone else, but would 'understand'.

Twunt.

He has an interview for a new job on Friday. Theoretically he would have to give 3 months notice and then wait another 3 months to be confirmed in post and THEN he will start looking for somewhere to live. I have said this is not acceptable as it will by then be 9 months in which he has not been able to have DS properly (DS has had 2 sleepovers since July to cover my night shifts). I have made considerable adjustments to both my home and working life to meet DS needs, and as a result will be working 6 day weeks in November to avoid having to work night shifts during the week. I think its about time he did the same.

He has got an appointment booked next week regarding writing his will.
I plan to speak to him tonight. I know he will ensure that everything, bar a few small bequests, will go to DS, but that will not recognise that I will then be the sole provider for DS. He will leave DS his share of our home, but what if I need to move / downsize, how will I provide for DS's first car, university without the funds or ability to raise them other than by selling my home when I am approaching retirement age. OK, 54 is not quite retirement, but with only another 7 - 11 years of earning potential I will not be in a position to raise another mortgage easily.

I have suggested that he needs to take out another life insurance policy to cover maintenance until DS is 21 to allow for this (thank you BG at work who mentioned that this is what her friend managed to arrange).

I must get in touch with mumble chum to get my will written. I have already signed over my 'death in service' benefit to DS and until we divorce X will get my survivor pension. Unfortunately this can only be paid to a legal spouse and not DS, so if I croak as a singleton the government get to keep the rest of my pension pot.

Love, I think you really have to disengage. You are talking to a wall apparently. He's checked out by the sounds of it. He's using the head thing as a total excuse. he's clinging onto it like a drowning man clings to a rubber ring.

I'm so sorry, but the sooner you stop asking him for things and start to put your needs and your DS needs first and foremost, the better you will feel. You are still deferring to him, and from what I can see, this prize is not man enough to hold this kind of respect.

Start TELLING Mr Droopy Drawers that he WILL provide for your DS 50/50 until he reaches 18, and that he needs to make provision for it.

I'll see you in the morning, safe trip, hugs till then!

Glad you mentioned about tomorrow - half term is NEXT week in Norfolk.

Are you still OK to meet up on Thursday the 27th, same time same place?

Had a good time with family, but now back to reality.

He did sort his will and will be using the same sol's for the divorce. He said he would get the ball rolling and petition for 'irreconcilable differences'. I said no to that. I will petition and it will be for his adultery and he can be the one getting the letter through the door. At least he will have someone there with him when he opens it.