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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

saddest feeling?

136 replies

chubsasaurus · 10/07/2011 10:07

Aside death...

Watching someone who once pursued you mercilessly, loved you with every inch of their being, would have moved the world, given up anything and followed you anywhere... just not care any more. At all.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 10/07/2011 10:28

It is sad, but sometimes love does not last forever, and people do fall out of love.

ineedabodytransplant · 10/07/2011 10:37

Sadder not to have had that in the first place.

In my opinion of course.

biryani · 10/07/2011 12:12

chub yes - it's so sad. But at least you have good memories to look back on. I wonder if the feeling is mutual, though? Is there anything particular he has done to make you think he doesn't care any more? Have you considered moving on?

Sometimes a relationship seems to come to a natural close, and it may have done for you, but please don't close the door on it until you are sure it's over and that your P has had his say.

halohasslipped · 10/07/2011 12:22

Get a plan. Start with assessing is the relationship worth saving. Can you get your DP involved in trying to save it? How are your finances? Do you have children?

Roll up your sleeves and start fighting for what you want.

MadAboutHotChoc · 10/07/2011 12:39

Has he found another woman? I ask because my H was like that during our early days and after 22 years he suddenly decided he didn't love me any more....a few days later I found out it was because he was having an affair....

Original poster

chubsasaurus · 10/07/2011 14:10

NO DCs. He's moving out of the house we live in together this week. I thought we were going to carry on as a couple but apparently not. Newest reason is that he's convinced I've cheated on him many times. He is wrong but for a few weeks this year I went out a lot (new job, friends) and I can see why he might think that. So sad, sick of crying every day, I feel so alone and want him to love me again. Pretty sure there's noone else involved.

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 10/07/2011 14:51

Wait. He thinks you've cheated on him because you've been going out with friends "for a few weeks this year"?

This sounds like very bizarre reasoning on his part.

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 15:31

Sorry but sounds like a excuse to me. Don't want to sound heartless but give it a few months and i bet you will find out it was the other way around.

Hope i'm wrong tho.

WriterofDreams · 10/07/2011 15:34

IME people who declare undying love and who chase you everywhere want to own you not love you.

Is any of these true about your DP:

-He's jealous
-He wants you to only go out with him and no one else
-He told you he loved you after a very short time together
-He criticises some aspect of you and your behaviour (your weight, the fact that you "flirt too much")

Why doesn't he care any more? Has he told you you need to do something to bring back his love?

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 15:35

I think that's true both ways around. When the relationship state (together or not) doesn't match the feelings you hold.

Original poster

chubsasaurus · 11/07/2011 09:53

Agreed that it's bizarre.

No he doesnt criticise me, he cant really criticise my weight i've lost a further 4lb this weekend and am now teetering around 7 and a half stone. It's not healthy. He did tell me he loved me after a short period of time yes, he also moved cities, flew me to another country to 'convince' me he was the one for me and pursued me as I now want a pursue a sandwich.

He hasnt asked me to do anything. He's told me repeatedly its over and once he leaves on Friday i should expect to hear nothing. Two days ago he told me we were going to make ti work long distance. I am a mess and I dont know how to get through this. I thought we'd spend our lives together and he's claiming this is entirely my fault for doing the unthinkable (which i didnt) because i went out a lot for 6 weeks this year. I just dont understand.

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 11/07/2011 10:39

He does criticise you, he says you went out too much. It's an utterly ridiculous complaint. I know you're sad but believe me you need to get rid of this man, he's fucking with your head. Tell him fine, he can leave if he wants to and don't take him back. Ever.

Why are you so thin?

Original poster

chubsasaurus · 11/07/2011 14:28

Because I havent been able to eat/sleep/not cry for quite a while now. I know it's pathetic but I am so, so in love with him. He treated me pretty awfully back in December and I think that's why I went out so much when i started this new job - I had lost a bit of respect for him - but he is adamant it's entirely my fault it's over and he will not be speaking to me once he leaves, despite insisting for weeks that he wants us to stay together and make it work. I just dont know how to get through this, I am beyond sad and empty, I want my life back.

OP posts:

oldwomaninashoe · 11/07/2011 14:55

Call me old and cynical , but I don't buy this.

He was pretty awful in December? Why?
I'm thinking guilty conscience!!!
Sorry, but somehow the big romantic gestures are not selling him to me, I get the feeling that he likes having power over your emotions.

He is definately not worth your tears. Chin up, you are hurt now but you will move on and be much tougher x

Original poster

chubsasaurus · 11/07/2011 15:34

In December he decided my love was a 'burden' (I went through a hard time in a job I hated) and went out with a girl who's cracked on to him in front of me before. He said he'd be home at 9, he got in at 5am. I believe that nothing happened but he still hung up on me repeatedly and the next day he decided he wanted space ( a few days before Christmas). He already has one failed marraige and has had a charmed existence, he's good at everything and gorgeous and has a wonderful family. he's never been dumped, he's always left when he loses interest or something gets tough. I'm not selling him well am I? I'm just a heart broken wreck and there's nothign I can do to get him back. I've ruined my life.

OP posts:

snoopdogg · 11/07/2011 16:14

He's bored chubs, he wants the excitement of a new romance. Not being dumped is not a charmed existence, a failed marriage is not a charmed existence. You said it in your last post - 'he's always left when he loses interest or something gets tough.'

Sorry, you're going through this but ask yourself why he has to stay until Friday if it's all so final? He's enjoying your suffering and the power he has over you at the moment. It will be so much easier when he's gone.

Original poster

chubsasaurus · 11/07/2011 16:18

I know. At the moment it's unbearable. He says I've cheated on him and it's undermined the few years that have come before. This is simply untrue.

OP posts:

snoopdogg · 11/07/2011 16:30

Try thinking back, did he tell you about the terrible things his exes did that betrayed him and forced him to end the relationships? Did you think they were dreadful actions you'd never be guilty of? Did you put a lot of energy into making sure he could trust you?

You haven't ruined your life, if anything, you've got a ticket out. Stay strong x

Original poster

chubsasaurus · 11/07/2011 16:41

I dont really think you should have to work for trust - work to regain it perhaps but I love him very much and he knows that. Exes didnt betray him, he just left them. Argh just so bloody sad. I'm sick of crying.

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 11/07/2011 16:44

I'm willing to bet that there is an OW somewhere. Those that cheat usually accuse the DW/GF of cheating, they also use the it's not you it's me, and I just don't love you anymore... If I had a farm, I'd stake the whole lot of it on the fact that there IS someone else. Only time will tell.

You will recover, you deserve someone better, a proper man, a real man. This person is a wimp, a failure. He let you down, not the other way around.

Original poster

chubsasaurus · 11/07/2011 16:50

Thank you. Now how to stop feeling so shit and empty?

OP posts:

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 11/07/2011 16:56

Time, mostly.
Pain and loss have to be experienced to then be let go of.

Sorry.

HerHissyness · 11/07/2011 16:58

Realise that he has done a despicable thing to you, get angry, indignant and grieve for the relationship.

Of course you feel empty, that's OK, that's perfectly normal. It'll pass and the rest of the feelings will come to the fore.

Be kind to yourself, love yourself and realise that he did a really shitty thing to you, and that he had no right to do it.

If it helps you to think it, tell yourself that it's as well he bottled it now than down the line when you had a couple of kids.

snoopdogg · 11/07/2011 17:30

and cake, cake's good x

deliasniff · 11/07/2011 19:03

Just a thought, why don't you turn the tables and dump him? Tell him to go before Friday, why is he calling all the shots? Sounds like he is having it all his own way with you crying and him feeling the big man. Maybe if you turned all fiesty he would respect you more and realise what he is losing. Worth a try and he would probably find you the most attractive woman in the world if he thought it was you who didn't want him anymore.

Either way it would save you a week of heartache waiting for Friday to arrive and would give you control over the situation which you don't have at the moment. Be strong, he doesn't sound that gorgeous to me x

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