You're not pathetic. I just read through this thread and looked through some of your previous threads and a few things stood out to me. I think I can relate because I am around the same age as you, in a relationship with the same age gap, which started in the same circumstances (lecturer-student relationship but nothing happened until around a month after I graduated). However we've been together for almost 5 years now, and I can see some stark differences between my partner and your own. I can also understand some of the dynamic that might exist between you, particularly in the lead-up to you first getting together.
In this thread and previous threads you've mentioned:
- He goes hot/ cold, hot/ cold - punishes you for your emotional vulnerability/ need to explore life and make the most of your current life stage - pushes you away and then reels you back in, gradually moulding you into the kind of person he wants you to be.
- There is "awkwardness" between him and your friends - what, he thinks he's too good for them, he judges them and is cold towards them?
- Your family thinks you've had a "lucky escape" and just can't see it yet because you idealise him in a way that they don't believe is warranted.
- He cheated on his wife with you.
- He violated student-lecturer ethical boundaries. Kissing you while being your supervisor is a huge ethical violation - it is a big deal and speaks volumes about his poor character!
- In a previous thread, a poster suggested they recognised you/ your partner (in real life?) and that if so, "he is attractive to women and he knows it" or something along those lines (i.e., again suggesting he is a womaniser/ cheat/ egotistical idiot).
- He is being absolutely vicious towards you with no supporting evidence for his accusations. He's not just separating from you - he's trying to hurt you as much as he can in the process.
- You seem to have eating/ body image issues - by your username and the things you have said (losing a lot of weight due to your emotional pain, combining moments of self-hatred with comments about being chubby - it seems your weight is very important to you). This usually reflects underlying low self-esteem (sorry - I don't mean to sound harsh but I've experienced these issues myself), meaning that you are probably a vulnerable person and stand out, to some extent, as such. Which he probably can pick up on.
You seem to idealise this man based on his superficial qualities - appearance, intellect, achievements - whereas those close to you don't like him/ are wary of him. You seem to
need to have him back alongside you and you are prepared to violate your own principles in an effort to achieve this. You seem helplessly and hugely enthralled by him, whereas the fact that you have posted repeatedly here about his poor behaviour towards you and his hot/ cold approach suggests that he did not feel the same way. You couldn't behave the way towards him that he has towards you, could you? What do you think he must be thinking/ feeling about you in order to be capable of behaving in this nasty way towards you - not just on this occasion, but historically? (e.g., when you were going out a lot, when you were depressed with your old job.) What does his behaviour suggest about his attitude in general towards other people and how they can be treated?
Yes, early in the relationship it seemed he would "move mountains" for you and it was all very dramatic and intense. But a wise friend of mine once said that it's best to stay away from these dramatic types - in friendships and in love, the types of people who form intense relationships quickly will end/ damage the relationship just as dramatically as they started it. And I have witnessed that repeatedly. I think it would help to start trying to view his early relationship behaviour in that light - this was not a reflection of passionate love, given his behaviour since. This was a reflection of his way of relating to lovers, and perhaps he was trying to impress you and also put you on a pedestal. To be honest, to me he sounds like he has a narcissistic personality. Narcissists are known for their tendency to initially idealise their partners and then later, viciously tear them down. You also sound like you want to remain bound to this man and enjoy his "reflected glory". But his glory is based on superficial traits/ a facade, and underneath this he has shown himself to be very cruel. The fact that he "has always been the one to leave relationships", to me, is not a positive trait - I see it as a potential red flag and a likely reflection of his cruelty/ callousness. Perhaps he believes "I need to get them before they get me"; or perhaps he is unable to establish enduring, solid, loyal, and
truly emotional relationships, "gets bored" of people and leaves.
It is easy to idealise lecturers as a student - they are all so intelligent and often funny/ interesting, and that makes them even more attractive. You probably thought yourself very lucky to have "scored" such an attractive, interesting, intelligent man. But I honestly think it sounds like you have not moved past this "idealisation" stage that you had as a student. I am not saying that you or your relationship were immature, but this man has repeatedly shown you who he truly is, the person beyond the facade. Yet you remain enthralled, believing that he is perfect in every way. He is not, and your loved ones can see this. He has poor morals, having cheated on his ex-wife; he attempted to start an affair with his student; and now, he is viciously pouring his "bile" and "hatred" on to you for no justifiable reason. And going out a lot is not a justifiable reason; I have also been negotiating this early-20s period of my life and my partner has supported me in everything I've done, including travelling alone overseas for months at a time because I don't want to lose these experiences just because I'm in a serious relationship! And he has never tried to punish me for enjoying this stage of my life.
Despite how much you look up to this man, reading between the lines I believe he is a vicious, emotionally shallow narcissist. And I think he has done you a favour by showing you who he truly is, before you became more involved. But I also am not confident that he is out of your life for good. I think you would still take him back in a heartbeat.
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. Please stay strong and talk to others about what you're going through.
), at least reflect on how accurate piggle's perception of your situation is