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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

saddest feeling?

136 replies

chubsasaurus · 10/07/2011 10:07

Aside death...

Watching someone who once pursued you mercilessly, loved you with every inch of their being, would have moved the world, given up anything and followed you anywhere... just not care any more. At all.

OP posts:
greybacksgirl · 14/07/2011 17:47

and he wasn't your best friend. He seduced his student, and then complained when she acted her age.
your best friends are taking you on holiday to cheer you up.
you are of course miserable now because you loved him. but this will get better, a lot better. ring those friends you stopped seeing and tell them you have split up - i bet they will be thrilled to speak to you. didn't you miss them while they were out of your life?

whatatip · 14/07/2011 17:49

Please talk to to someone in real life. Tell them what you are thinking, arrange to go somewhere and be with people, busy and occupied all night. If you just have stuff to take your mind off things you'll get through this weak point.
Everyone has them, but you have to be strong, they pass.

By the sounds of it you have lots of friends, and a potentially lively social life (despite him).

I would love to be in London with friends and a busy job over the summer, with the prospect of a holiday away in August. There's so much to do that I'd love to get out to, and you CAN. And now you are young free and single.

DO. NOT. GO

AnyF · 14/07/2011 17:50

ring your mates

tell them you need to get pissed and forcibly kept away from the dipshit

HerHissyness · 14/07/2011 18:24

Gosh AF is awfully impressive when she gets going on a full head of steam isn't she?? Grin

What is the point of being 23 if you can't make a phone call or 2 and get dragged out on the lash, to stop yourself from doing something silly wrt a bloke? Grin

Seriously, we are old enough to be your mum, we see dickheads like this all the time and he has no right to treat you like this, you NEED to toss your fringe and shrug him off for good.

I promise you that you will meet another guy, better than this prick, and you will see what we are all adamant about, that you can and do deserve better than this guy.

AnyF · 14/07/2011 18:28

he is inadequate chubs

a strong man wouldn't need to control you in this way

you mistake his manipulation for strength

it isn't...it is weak, one day you will see that

in the meantime, your strength will be in staying away from him

you can do it

AnyF · 14/07/2011 21:26

hoping you are ok, chubs

akaemmafrost · 14/07/2011 21:45

OP, I knew this was you as soon as a I started reading it.

I posted on your other threads about this self centred fucker. Then I saw you post more generically mentioning him and things seemed to be going well but I just knew that you would be back with a thread like this about him.

Honestly this man is only in love with himself, I suspect that he will keep you at a distance until he has finished his little trip away and then will come crawing back on his return. Do you know what the worst thing is he probably actually really believes all the shite he is spouting at the moment about you being untrustworthy etc. These kind of people do because they dont like to have a bad image of THEMSELVES. I E he cannot just say "look I want to go away with my mate and shag anything that moves so I will dump chubs in order to do so". He has to MAKE IT YOUR FAULT! Is this a friend? Is this a decent man/person? Is this love? On his return when normal life reasserts itself, he will decide to "forgive" you, until the next time. I would bet my next wage packet on this.

I suspect that you have gone to see him tonight and this is why you have not replied. I hope you will post again and get the strength to see what a selfish, fucking arsehole this man is.

AnyF · 14/07/2011 21:48

I would bet my house aka Sad

I really hope chubs isn't with him right now

Promising to "wait" for him while he "sorts himself out"

So painful to think that a young woman with everything to look forward to, thinks this is the best it gets

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 10:49

I was with him. And I slept with him, but that was for my benefit not his, it's been weeks. I almost wish I had been up to all the things he accused me of. I also cried as he dropped me at the station this morning and begged for another chance.

I have no self esteem and am a big chubby pile of patheticness. Argh.

OP posts:
Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 10:51

Yeah it's crazy isnt it. I'm 23 with a fully funded phd scholarship, an amazing job and I make a smashing thai curry. But nope, still crying over this self centred arsehole who's off travelling with his exwife's family.

I'm starting to see the funny side. I have amazing new housemates and they are going to get me drunk tonight. Two of them are rather beautiful aussie boys and they tried to barricade me in the new house to stop me going back to him last night. Shame they didnt succeed.

aka have you changed your name? He definitely believes his own narrative. I'm not helping by apologising for being 23 and having friends for all the terrible things I've done to him.

OP posts:
greybacksgirl · 15/07/2011 11:16

i would like to say he's not just a self-centred arsehole, but an inadequate one at that. He's what 32? and he's picking up university students? whilst married? if he was 27 and you were 18 (ie only 5 yrs younger each) people would be very dubious that it was a normal relationship. he abused his position of authority over you (it is not acceptable to sleep with your students), and then , having dumped you, did you the 'favour' of sleeping with you again. What a martyr he is! How gracious!
Your housemates sound very senible - they can see you had a lucky escape, and what you need is someone from your own social group, who can have fun, and talk about whatever you young people talk about these days (ie not how cool were the stone roses back in the day).
My advice is to go out with your mates, don't get too drunk (because i wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you) and flirt outrageously with everyone. you will enjoy it i suspect.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE HIM BACK IN 3 WEEKS!

greybacksgirl · 15/07/2011 11:17

sensible housemates!
(apologies, fast typing)

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 11:18

the sad thing is, as you all know, if he asked I would take him back in a heart beat. Where the bloody fuck is my dignity?

OP posts:
greybacksgirl · 15/07/2011 11:31

it'll come back when you realise what a boring old toad is he compared to your housemates! [hgrin]
get out there girl and enjoy your twenties - he's had his and he wanted to steal yours away from you!

AnyF · 15/07/2011 12:45

Let's hope this enforced "break" is what you need to finally realise you are far too good for this deadbeat.

Don't sleep with him again. It isn't "for you" at all. Stop making excuses. It is so you can weep and wail and ramp up the emotional volume again. You are officially allowing him to use your body at this juncture. Add this to the list of other sleazy attributes he has, it don't look too good.

What on earth are you thinking ? If you give him a proper "send-off" to remember you by, he won't avail himself of any sex on offer on his lad's break ? Don't be silly.

Get a grip and stop wallowing now. You might also want to get an STD check. IMO, this bloke is cheating on you, very recently and certainly will in the next couple of weeks.

Yes, this is AF

Am not on home pc Wink

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 16:14

Right AF you've been brilliant and are usually right but this time no. I didnt want to give him a 'send off' to remember me by, even i'm not that pathetic, i was just fairly frustrated and it was there.

I have regular std checks, even in serious relationships. noone is trustworthy enough to risk your health

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/07/2011 16:17

you are risking your mental health though, love < shrugs >

I have offended you, and for that I apologise.

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 16:19

you havent. i've offended myself. ive lost my self respect, my dignity, my sanity....

he's gone now. no risk of seeing him again. i wish i felt okay, i dont, i feel like ive been shot in the face.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/07/2011 16:24

I am sorry, really, I don't say it unless I mean it. I am very harsh sometimes.

I am sorry, too, that you feel so bad.

I cannot emphasise enough though, that you have to detach

Sleeping with him is so very far from detaching, because you still love and want him back. You cannot treat it as "just sex" in that scenario, is what I am saying. You don't strike me as the sort of person who could separate sex from love/regret/wanting someone back.

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 16:25

How do i detach? How do I stop feeling like i am a half dead wreck of a person? not slight sarcastic, i genuinely need help.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/07/2011 16:27

Those things you thought you have lost are not irrecoverable.

They are still in you.

They haven't disappeared forever, you can get them back.

The problem with your state of mind at the moment is that you may think you might as well keep debasing yourself because your self-esteem is fucked anyway IYSWIM

but clinging to him (or the thought of him) will not change that, whereas moving on will help you find the person you used to be again

AnyFucker · 15/07/2011 16:29

complete non-contact and (cliche alert) time

that is all

there isn't a magic pill I am afraid, but accepting he will do nothing but harm you further, and that you are worth more than that, is the first step

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 16:36

Im leaving work and going home. My housemates are going to feed me vodka.

AF thank you for your continuing support, you are wonderful

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/07/2011 16:38

chubs, take care

am not around over the weekend, but pm me next week if you want to chat more

or just carry on bumping this thread, there are lots of women who can give you a good talking-to if you feel you need it

all the best, and mine's with cranberry juice x

Original poster
chubsasaurus · 15/07/2011 18:27

I'm downing large vokas. Not okay. Thank you so much for being so lovely.

OP posts: