Advice please - Hubby admits BJ from prostitute whilst drunk

[LadyHarrop]

Hello - 1st time poster. But this is too intimate a prob to share with my friends, who also know him. If we do stay together, I won't want them knowing this.

I feel sick. Typing topic subject line has just made it feel real to me. I think I've been in shock since he told me last night.

We've been together 6 years, married for 2. I have always trusted him 100%. He is not the type to cheat on me, he's my rock, he's always reliable - that's why I picked him. In fact, of the two of us, I always thought I'd be the one to do something stupid - but I've never strayed since our early days.

I know he loves me, and he loves our life together. He says he's never been interested in anyone else. So why now? He says he was drunk and it was just bravado with his mate. He said it was horrible, and he wasn't in control. He didn't climax. And knew enough to not want full sex. I need to know why it happened. It can't just be that there was no deep seated reason, and he was just drunk, as then it would have happened before surely.

He's now a mess and very upset because he's worried he's caught something and doesn't want to pass it to me. And he's put our life together at risk. I know enough that he's not likely to catch much from a blow job. But sent him to hospital today. He said he didn't want to keep the truth from me, like some of his friends do from their wives.

What should I do? We're married - that means something to me. I love him, I love our life, I wanted a baby with him until 18 hours ago. But I know this will affect everything - when we next make love (and I imagine for months after), we'll both be thinking about it. When he next goes out without me, I'll not be able to trust him. And I'm also really afraid of is me going out and getting revenge by pulling someone (yes, in the past I've been that childish and self centred when drunk. So unfortunately a little bit of me does understand that stupid things can happen when out drinking)

Do you think we can get through this unscaithed?
Do you think lots of men do this (I get impression from a few comments, that at least a couple of his friends have done something similar)?

What should I do? He slept in spare room last night
Any advice greatfully received
x

Hmmm toughy, call me cynical, but blokes usually only admit to the bare minimum. Does he go out a lot with his friends? Where the hell was he to come into contact with a prostitute?

If you decide to forgive, you need to wipe your 'revenge' idea right out, you'll end up on a downward hill.

and never give him a bj again, or anything else for that matter. Dirty bastard.

It's not clear from your post how he ended up receiving a BJ from a prostitute

It would normally require a certain amount of planning, surely ?

I don't think you can get through it "unscathed" because he has wrecked the trust you placed in him.

I am sure lots of people do get through it.

Do you really want to, though ?

"Do you think lots of men do this?" Yes, lots do - they're called twats.

Lots don't.

You are going to have to talk through that one with him. Let him sleep in the spare room, think about exactly how you feel, don't play any games with him. If you get through it together, then the relationship will be stronger because of it.

Another point, don't play any games with yourself re; getting a revenge shag or whatever

As AF said, he can't have just fallen onto the prostitute, can he? He must have gone looking. His mate may have egged him on but surely being drunk doesn't block his ability to say no.

I wouldn't be too quick to believe that it was only a blow job or that he's being totally honest.

Sorry, one last thing; MEN DO ABSOLUTELY FUCKING STUPID THINGS SOMETIMES and as long as you don't uncover serial fuckwittery you can make him do pennance whilst discovering why he did such a ridiculous thing ( sometimes you never will find out ) but as long as he realises what he stands to lose if he ever does it again; you will be on the right road

Lol at all the blokes flocking to this thread coz it has BJ in the title

hah, but i am not a bloke!

What led to him making this admission to you - did he volunteer the information or was he found out?

I would be very concerned that he has not yet given you the full story.

You mention in your OP that if he was drunk it would have happened before - well maybe it has, and this isn't the first time he has used a prostitute.

Perhaps he is admitting a BJ because he feels you are more likely to forgive him than if he admitted to penetrative sex.

You need to think carefully about whether you can take what he has said at face value.

BTW I think that he, and unfortunately you, should get screened for STIs before you have unprotected sex.

I was more interested in the prostitute part

Men do do stupid things, going to a prostitute isn't a stupid thing. Losing your keys is a stupid thing, so is falling asleep on the last train home. Falling into someone else isn't possible.

I agree with whoever said don't rush out and do something for "revenge". Although I'd question your commitment if that's how you'd deal with this. Yo also seem to think that you do "stupid things when drunk", are you thinking of letting him off perhaps?

And no matter how much you love him, it doesn't give him carte blanche to treat you with anything less than utter respect. You have to know that he absloutely adores you, or he is of no use to you whatsoever.

does sound a bit "Yeah I was smoking, but I didn't inhale..."

In your place, I'd give him credit for confessing (being truthful) and remorseful.
He's taking a big risk in telling you the truth, so I would appreciate the honesty.

Infidelity is a big deal, (of course), but there are equally bad (or worse?) things which can happen in a marriage? (Eg sustained cruelty, constant distain, DV?) And no-one can claim to be perfect.

So, if this turns out to be the worst thing that ever happens, and if he never does it again, and if he's an otherwise good bloke, (nb only you can judge this) then I would say "put it behind you".

I bet a lot of people have done something like this (a thoughtless, silly one-off idiot action), and just haven't been caught/haven't confessed?

I assume he just confessed ... out of the blue? Or was there some incriminating evidence? Hope he told you as he couldn't bear having it on his conscience? (Rather than just fearful of being caught/exposed at a later date for this mistake.)

Agree with other posters that how it happened (drunk, out with mates) might have to be discussed to try to make sure it can't happen again. (So he won't have even a semi-excuse if there is a "next time".)

A 2nd chance seems fair. A 3rd chance is not so easy.

why did he tell you?

i couldnt forgive

If he is upset then I suspect this may be a one-off that he does truly regret, unless he is only upset because he was found out. If he volunteered the information because he feels like a shit, then I don't think he would do it again.

Yes, a lot of men go to prostitues, around 10% of the male population, with just under half being married or in a long-term relationship.

It wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, and it's also highly unlikely that he has caught something as long as she wasn't the junkie-type prostitute, but it is still a good idea for him to get the all-clear from the local STD clinic.

If it was a male bravado thing he may want to reconsider exactly what his mates think of him if they egg him on to do this kind of thing.

if his friends decided it would be fun to jump off a bridge would he follow no.

do not let him hide behind the lines that he was drunk, his friends do it, encouraged him if he is that weak then he will be lead by them again he did it because he wanted to no other reason and has now released what an idiot he has been

respet and trust needs to be built again, he will have to work hard and you will to allow yourself to trust him. forgiving him is another matter

In all honesty, I'd be thinking about ending it. That he'd go to a prostitute says to me he thinks very little of women. It says to me he thought very little of you and your marriage.

I don't think being drunk excuses it - he must have sought the prostitute out. I think blaming his mate for egging him on makes him weak, unpleasant and ducking his own responsibility, I mean, ffs, "my mate told me to do it" is something you'd expect from a five year old.

I definitely would be rethinking any plans to have children with this guy.

I think there are several issues going on here.

1. He is worried he may pass something on to you. He can't really think that he would catch something from a blow job, so I think you need to consider the real possibility he has had full sex with a prostitute and hasn't yet drummed up the courage to tell you the full story. And you need to consider the possibility that this is not the first time. Telling you may be his way of trying to break a pattern of behaviour he has got himself into.

1. He says he was under pressure from a "mate". What sort of man shags/gets sexual favours from a prostitute because his "mate" is egging him on?

1. And this is the real deal-breaker aspect for me. Anyone with even a fleeting awareness of the news etc knows there are huge problems with women being trafficked/coerced/threatened/abused into prostitution. I would have serious difficulty wanting to stay with a man who had been able to "buy" sexual contact with a woman who in all likelihood falls into one of these categories.

I couldn't forgive this. I would be so, so shocked and would have to conclude that my DH wasn't the man I thought he was, and that would mean the end for me.

There are so many problems with what he's told you. How did he happen to be with a prostitute with his d*ck out in the first place? That doesn't just 'happen'. How could 'bravado' be used as an excuse? 'Bravado' in this case means that he cares more about looking cool with his friends than he does about you - how old is he, 15? And what difference does it make whether he came or not? Surely the issue is that it started in the first place, not how it ended? I don't see how he's saying anything to make any of it any less painful for you.

And one last thing - I would put 'being drunk' right out of the equation. Was he so drunk he was unconcious? No. Therefore it is no excuse. I could be completely rat arsed but there is no way it would cause me to cheat on somebody I love.

So sorry for you OP .

I think OP only you will know whether or not there is a future, whether you wish to just dump the man now, or pursue a possible future which will be based on getting facts. The past and present make the future, his past conduct, what he has just done.

Only you really know him and can make that descision; at least hes shown another side to himself now before you have a baby; if this is a commitment test, he has to work on why he did such a stupid thing, which from what you say he already knows its stupid.

Take your own time to decide

Hi all, really appreciate all your comments - just sat in office at work feeling a bit numb and shaky, and not sure what to think.

He volunteered the information, completely unprompted. I don't think I'd have found out any other way. He seems genuinely upset and remorseful.

Although maybe Loopy and others are right - I have been a little quick to believe what details he's provided me with. How can I be sure he didn't have full sex? He does seem to be really worried about catching something.

As far as the planning is concerned - there was only 2 of them out this time. They went to a strip bar, which they've been to before (he's never told me this before), and then decided to go to a brothel. His friend said he knew where one was, but he says they ended up walking around for ages looking for it (that should have given him time to cool off surely???). When he found it, he says he went in alone (but I think (or maybe hope) that this is to protect his friend, who is also married)

Which brings me to think about his friends. We moved away about 9 months ago, so he goes back to visit every 6 weeks or so, and stays in a hotel. They're all married too. I know most of their wives. Little comments he's told me last night, have implied his mates wouldn't tell their wives about things like this...but not sure if he's talking about affairs, one night stands, prostitutes, lap dances etc? He always previously told me he didn't like or want any of the above. Maybe he's a better liar than I give him credit for

Ultimately, I know I'm not going to walk away from our marriage right now. There's too much to lose. But that doesn't mean I can see something like this might mark the beginning of the end. I have experience of in my 20's of a relationship where we were both unfaithful, and it was horrible. However, I hope I've grown up since then. Maybe it's because of this experience that since getting married 2 years ago, I've felt wonderful about our relationship - knowing we were never going to cheat on each other, that it was just us, for the rest of my life...how am I ever going to get that feeling back???

my take on this is he has already 'caught something' and knows it will need medical attention,and so will you.....so he's come clean now,before your symptoms are obvious (if he HAS passed anything on to you}and he's minimising what he did with the prostitiute......i'm thinking he had full sex,and then caught something nasty this way

just my thoughts on him offering up the info