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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please respond, don't know what to do about this.

238 replies

marmajam · 10/06/2011 09:44

Namechanged.
It is with a heavy heart that I say the following, but I really need advice.
Things have not been right between dh and myself for a while (no dc's as yet).
I realise that my behaviour has not been exactly great, but I am questioning what happened last night.
Trying to be as neutral as I can.
Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on. So I raised my right hand (he was to the right of me) as if to say 'enough'. I was in a bit of a temper myself, I admit as I was sick of him going on. He grabbed it and proceeded to hit himself across the face with it, saying' You are hurting me everyday like this'. He then let go of my hand and smashed a glass against his forehead. I just got up and left the room and stayed there until now.
Please I am not out for sensationalism and not a troll.
He has always had a hot temper but has not laid a finger on me before. I have been with him for 14 years. I feel a corner has been turned here. Please help.

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 12/06/2011 20:12

tissues, if you have read the thread, how can you feel sorry for him?

I only see ABUSE (and that is why she is depressed)....

Oh right, go to the GP and get some AD chemicals -

That'll fix it all!

YIKES!

tissuesplease · 12/06/2011 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

buzzsore · 12/06/2011 21:54

Isn't 'relationships' supposed to be about support and advice, not troll-hunting and criticising OPs? S'not AIBU. There's no obligation to reply to threads you don't like.

Conundrumish · 12/06/2011 22:04

I must admit, if I was trying to resolve relationship problems and the other person refused to talk and then walked away, I would be pretty fed up too.

Sorry to hear you are depressed, I hope you can get to see your Dr.

Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 07:41

buzzsore, to be honest, some responses here do not surprise me: I have learnt that domestic abuse is acceptable in some people's eyes. I wish it were otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 07:42

pinkpanettone Sorry, but have you actually read the thread at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 08:29

I know people do not like being ignored, but ask this: is smashing a glass against head a normal response fgs?!

OP posts:
CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 09:56

Is he BPD? #justathought

Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 13:08

CrapolaDeVille, I don't think so, but there is something not right with him.

The posters here who have said they don't like being 'stonewalled'. OK, fair enough, who does? BUT... don't they think that smashing a glass in one's own face is weird and the sign of someone who is not all there?

Because I think any normal person would not do this in response to being stonewalled; yes they may shout and stamp their feet, they may even throw things across room (as long as not directed to the other person, fine) but smashing a glass in one's own face? Confused

I think the people here who have been critical have just -reasonably perhaps- thought, ' I don't like being stonewalled' and this has blinded them to how nuts my dh response to being stonewalled was.

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 13/06/2011 13:09

CDV, marmajam has called him a 'psychopath' which means she thinks he has a personality disorder. There's no point agonising over which one, tbh, it still means you're dealing with a person whose emotional range is pathologically limited and doesn't understand they're being unreasonable.

Sorry you're going through this virtually as well as in RL, marmajam :( How's your exit plan coming along?

Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 13:28

garlicbutter, I think he is a sociopath more than anything: lack of empathy with others, always-and I mean always -right. This is not to say that he is deliberately cruel or nasty.

A trivial example would be this: Professor Brian Cox was on a tv programme about science- my dh insisted-absolutely insisted- that he knew more than he did about physics. Now my dh is a clever bloke and has a degree, but NOT in physics, still he knows better than Prof Cox.

As regards exit plan, have appointment with dr (must see him about sick note, anyway), hopefully for AD's -just as a short term thing, and am having a bit of a sort out of my stuff. Needed doing anyway and the less stuff I have to take the better. Trying to civil and friendly to him, but not engage too much.

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garlicbutter · 13/06/2011 13:35

Well done! Keep it up, you'll soon be back on this side of Alice's looking glass Wink

Sociopaths mostly have an unusually high tolerance for pain - such as that caused by smashing a glass into one's own forehead - and quite enjoy inflicting it on others.

Alfie2909 · 13/06/2011 16:02

New poster although been lurking for a long time now, so much I wanna say but feel I can't,

I do feel it hard to take marmajam seriously though.

dittany · 13/06/2011 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrapolaDeVille · 13/06/2011 16:09

Alfie.....Do you know marmajam?

Alfie2909 · 13/06/2011 16:23

No I do not know her, I am just going by my personal thoughts after watching this thread all weekend,

I may be wrong (probably am) but I do feel that the more that people tell her that she is being abused etc, the more she believes it, If that is the case then I am so sorry,

Yes I have lurked on this site for a long time but have never before felt so strongly about anything to make myself visible,

I do hope I am wrong, Ive been there and wouldn't wish it on anyone,

If marmajam really feels that she is in that situation then I too urge her to get out asap,

Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 16:52

Alfie2909, Look, I honestly do not want to believe my dh is being abusive. I have known him a long time and love him very much, but I cannot ignore the evidence.
I can't remember which poster put up the 'abuse checklist' up here, but my dh does score at least 5 on the warning scale.
Now you can take me seriously or not, but I have zero reason to make this up.

I do feel that he is abusive and not normal. OK, nobody likes being stonewalled, but a normal response would be to say: 'Look if you don't talk to me, we are going to have to call it a day'.
Or, perhaps going into a temper, shouting a bit and slamming a few doors because that is what normal people do.
Some posters here may hate being stonewalled, but I doubt very, very much if they would grab their partner's hand and hit themselves with it and then smash a glass into their own faces!
If they are still here, I'd like to ask them this: do you do what my dh did when YOU are being stonewalled?

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garlicbutter · 13/06/2011 17:02

I've banged my forehead on the wall. More to make a point, not actually hurting myself or the wall or using someone else's body part as a weapon.

It will be nice, won't it, to make your dinner without having it minutely criticised; to talk as much as you like about whatever you like, to whom you like, and not to be frightened of having your work & relationships undermined?

Ormirian · 13/06/2011 17:04

" but has not laid a finger on me before"

He didn't this time either.

Why won't you talk to him?

Ormirian · 13/06/2011 17:09

Oh... i see

Why are you with him? You don't like him much and don't enjoy his company. He sounds incredibly frustrated. Call it a day?

Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 17:24

garlicbutter, If I had refused to engage with him and he had got up, banged his forehead on the wall, shouted and slammed a few doors, I would thoroughly expect and deserve posters telling me here to get a grip. But then, if that was what had happened, I wouldn't be posting here anyway.

Omirian, are you trying to upset me or have you not read the entire thread?
I don't want to bring gender into this, but if your dp/dh took YOUR hand, battered himself with it leaving you in pain and smashed a glass against his head would you just think 'fair enough' and leave it go?

OP posts:
Alfie2909 · 13/06/2011 17:30

I have been away from my ex for 14 years now, it's just me and the kids, yet when i have had a drink and feel angry and hurt and resentful of my situation I do not hit out at those close to me,

I take out my frustrations on myself, never smashed a glass on my foerhead but have done many other things, its usually my toenails that suffer, I rip at them untill they bleed, I realise the next day that I have been a twat and only I know and have to live with the discomfort that my anger has caused.

I have thrown the occasional glass or plate across the room (when in a room alone) but that creates noise and attention, Which I do not want.

I guess what I am saying is that if your dh really needed to do something extreme (smash the glass on his forehead) Take your hand to hit himself with then he must be suffering also and maybe you both need help with this,

Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 17:47

I am sorry for your self-harming, but I think we have all thrown a plate across the room in temper (as long as nobody else in way, that's OK).

I don't think that for him smashing the glass is extreme, he has done it before for a 'lark' with other men. He did not seem that bothered by it, to be honest.

He can get help if he wishes, and although this is NOT directed to you, Alfie2909, perhaps he can find a woman who does not mind being put in casualty through his temper tantrums, or mind him chatting up other women and arranging to meet prostitutes (like I said earlier, I can't prove that he has/has not either way, but it sure sounded like he was arranging to meet up).

Seems a lot of the ladies on mn who have posted here have no objections to their dh's doing this so perhaps he can find women of similar mindsets who don't mind/ are not put out by this sort of thing. Me? I've had enough. No point continuing on this thread anymore. But thanks very much to all that have helped for being so supportive.

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Alfie2909 · 13/06/2011 17:57

So when did he put you in casualty? was it when he threw a candlestick at a picture behind you and you thought glass went into your eye although the hospital said there was nothing there.
I do think he needs help but I also think that you need it too as well as I do not believe that you are totally the innocent injured party in this, you both have part blame and both need to take responsibilty.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster
marmajam · 13/06/2011 18:08

Oh yes, I need help allright, help getting my confidence back and getting away from him. You know, no offence, Alfie2909, but although I agree that I am not perfect, there really is NO excuse for violence of this nature. I've never laid a finger on him.

The trouble with people like you is that you accept that it is OK for a man to beat up a woman should she piss him off (I will NOT accept that I am responsible for his violence. I am responsible for making him pissed off, perhaps, but not his violence). Sorry, but that is the message I am receiving here. No more on this thread, though. Those are my last words.

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