Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please respond, don't know what to do about this.

238 replies

marmajam · 10/06/2011 09:44

Namechanged.
It is with a heavy heart that I say the following, but I really need advice.
Things have not been right between dh and myself for a while (no dc's as yet).
I realise that my behaviour has not been exactly great, but I am questioning what happened last night.
Trying to be as neutral as I can.
Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on. So I raised my right hand (he was to the right of me) as if to say 'enough'. I was in a bit of a temper myself, I admit as I was sick of him going on. He grabbed it and proceeded to hit himself across the face with it, saying' You are hurting me everyday like this'. He then let go of my hand and smashed a glass against his forehead. I just got up and left the room and stayed there until now.
Please I am not out for sensationalism and not a troll.
He has always had a hot temper but has not laid a finger on me before. I have been with him for 14 years. I feel a corner has been turned here. Please help.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 10/06/2011 14:12

OP, the advice to give Women's Aid a call is good. Speaking to them will give you some headspace. Somewhere away from the situation, somewhere where you can talk.

Your H's behaviour has caught you like a rabbit in the headlights....

The using your hand to slap himself with is a form of abuse because he's involving you physically in the hurt that he is inflicting on myself and it's also hurting you in the process. Does that make sense?

Anyway, good luck at the GP, AD's are not the end of the world, they will not fog your brain, but they will give a bit of balance.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 10/06/2011 14:24

"this business I describe about him using my hand to hit himself (sounds comical but is not). Is this physical abuse in your opinion? Genuine question."

My thoughts when I read your OP were that this is markedly similar to my (abusive in many ways) stbxh: he would sometimes punch his own face, or hit his head against walls, when we argued. He was doing this because of the genuine emotional hurt he felt inside and did not know how to handle, whenever he thought he was being criticised. This hurt, however, while very strongly felt by him, was completely out of proportion to what would have been felt by an emotionally healthy person. I now consider this behaviour by my stbxh to be a symptom of a personality-disordered individual, and I see it as emotional blackmail: it scared me, as it was meant to: I would have to stop making the point I was trying to make for him to stop hitting himself.

This is just my personal experience. I really cannot say if this is what is going on with you and your husband. He seems highly distressed by your lack of engagement, certainly, but his method of expressing it is his problem. Your problem is how it makes you feel. Going alone to see a counsellor may help you sort out those feelings.

garlicbutter · 10/06/2011 14:30

ItsMe, I had a similar reaction when I read the first post. It's why I didn't join in with the criticisms - was sure there was more to the story. I concur entirely with your 2nd paragraph.

ooohyouareawfulbutilikeyou · 10/06/2011 16:01

has anyone mentioned stonewalling yet, as if it was a woman complaining that her OH wouldnt talk to her and walked away, that would have been mentioned by post 3!

garlicbutter · 10/06/2011 16:22

It was in post 10. Wake up Hmm

sugartongue · 10/06/2011 17:56

Marmajam, you really don't need an excuse to leave, it seems like that's what you want - permission to leave because he's a "baddy". I can't say whether or not he's abusive, I recognise in his behaviour some signs that ne might be being abused, but whatever the truth (and it may well be six of one) your relationship is highly dysfunctional and damaging to you both. Just get out. You're young, go and get a new life without him.

waspbee · 10/06/2011 18:03

the man is at the end of his tether, he has had enough of the relationship as it currently stands. it was dramatic what he did and totally wrong but i think hes hurting. you say things havent been right. now is the time to change it. or he may walk out of your life forever. why people on MN instantly say leave leave i have no idea. people do stupid and damaging things. nobody is perfect. this is a cry for help i feel. be honest with each and stop the misery all round.

garlicbutter · 10/06/2011 18:08

Did you miss this part, waspbee?
the throwing of things, the threats to inform my employer that I am not fit to do my job. The threats to beat up members of my family

Plus - I agree with ItsMe, though you may not - this hitting himself thing ("Now look what you've made me do!") is something I've seen before. In deeply unbalanced people.

CrapolaDeVille · 10/06/2011 18:15

OP Do you love your husband?

CrapolaDeVille · 10/06/2011 18:16

ooops, sorry I'll read all of the thread!!

CrapolaDeVille · 10/06/2011 18:18

So I'm wondering if he's been sooo dreadful and controlling that you've lost all feelings for him and he's desperately clutching at anything, saying anything to get a response.

strawberryjelly · 10/06/2011 18:56

OP I ust find this all very strange- I wonder if you are exaggerating just a tiny bit?

You suddenly tell us half way through this thread that you got shards of glass in your eye when he threw a candle stick at a picture? Yet you didnt mention that iniitally when pressed about any violence.

Neither have you said what happened when he broke a glass against his forehead. Surely he would be bleeding and cut?

Re. the shopping and what is needed- IMO that is just normal day today life bickering a bit over what's needed food-wise and 2 people think of different things.

I just get the impression from all of this that it's all your side and his is out there waiting to be told.

I also don't like people diagnosing you online and saying you have depression. It's an easy label to use when people are upset, not coping and fed up. if you are depressed, exercise and CBT are proven to work just as well in mild to moerate cases.

i think there is a lot more to this than you are telling us. In any case your behaviour sounds rather unstable and you sound uncommunicative- both here an in RL- I can imagine that if you have done this for ages your DH is at the end of his tether- and understandably ( yeah shoot me)- looking at women online, as a fantasy or means of escape.

I think you really need to look to your own behaviour and find out what's going on in your head.

waspbee · 10/06/2011 19:19

garlicbutter am i supposed to be able to envisage what the OP is going to reveal after i have posted?

OP have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

buzzsore · 10/06/2011 19:22

Er, if you'd read the thread you'd have seen it before you posted, wasp.

waspbee · 10/06/2011 19:43

regards of whether i missed a page i stand by my original message, please focus on OP

garlicbutter · 10/06/2011 19:58

Er, focusing on OP might involve reading all of her posts. Which most of us did.

Kudza · 10/06/2011 20:13

I have been in a similar situation,,,

I think you need to look closely into your life and try to find the source of your not wanting to talk. Is it the way you grew up or you have other things important on your mind than your relationship?

Original poster
marmajam · 11/06/2011 09:19

strawberryjelly,

I can assure you that the incident with the candlestick happened.

He has a cut on his forehead.

If you had ANY understanding of the techniques used to erode self-esteem, you would realise that the 'drip-drip' effect of constantly questioning everything somebody does is damaging.

When my husband writes a long e-mail to a woman online (I am no prude- purely looking at pornography would NOT bother me), it hurts.

You have little understanding, so why bother commenting?

OP posts:
CrapolaDeVille · 11/06/2011 09:30

marmajam I'm not sure people with controlling behaviours know it, tbh. It takes great self awareness and reflection.

Have you shut down because the way your husband is? Or another reason?

strawberryjelly · 11/06/2011 09:31

Maybe one of the reasons for my so-called lack of understanding- which is not true- is that you are drip feeding information.

I am not alone here in questionning your behaviour am I?

I do understand how your confidence can be eroded but you don't really say much about this.

More to the point- lots of posters have asked you questions which you avoid answering.

The amin issue is that you won't talk to your DH- whilst this is not a green light for his behaving aggressively, it must at least show you how exasperated he is with your behaviour.

Have you thought about him at all in this - or are you simply wearing blinkers and not even beginning to admit you may be 50% responsible for the situation?

babyhammock · 11/06/2011 09:37

marmajam you know you need to leave. Threatening to tell your employer and the other stuff is just awful. I'd also feel very threatened by the smashing his head thing esp using your hand to do it.

I think you're staying because he has sapped all your energy and you have none left to make that break. No wonder you feel like not communicating. I bet you feel like you have nothing left to give. Does that make sense?

I'd defo call someone like womansaid. They will help you make sense of it all and to hopefully find the strength and spirit that you used to have. I wish I'd called them alot sooner than I did. Well I didn't call them, they called me in the end..but the same x

babyhammock · 11/06/2011 09:41

As for drip feeding info. From my own experience you blank alot of it out and don't think to highlight it as its so 'normal' to you. Its only when you start talking about it that it more and more comes out.

I think the OP sounds utterly exhausted tbh and I can only imagine how many times she has had to explain herself and justify herself to her H.

Original poster
marmajam · 11/06/2011 10:36

It all makes sense, babyhammock, it took me several years to train for the job I have, I could not even imagine training again in this way.

I do not know if this is significant; but although-as predicted- he was contrite and apologetic, he did keep going on about how the women he knew who had been victims of domestic violence had been 'selfish' and the ones who had not been were 'kind'.
I think he has faulty thinking here, as I know lots of nice women who have been victims of dv and more troublingly, I think he is already undergoing process of justifying himself should he actually attack me IYSWIM.
Am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Original poster
marmajam · 11/06/2011 10:37

I also know of thoroughly selfish women who have NOT been physically hurt by their partners.

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 11/06/2011 10:40

Your dh thinks that the "victims of dv are selfish????"

Are you serious?????

Jesus.

You are not overthinking this AT ALL...he doesnt sound very contrite and apologetic to me!