Please respond, don't know what to do about this.

[marmajam]

Namechanged.
It is with a heavy heart that I say the following, but I really need advice.
Things have not been right between dh and myself for a while (no dc's as yet).
I realise that my behaviour has not been exactly great, but I am questioning what happened last night.
Trying to be as neutral as I can.
Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on. So I raised my right hand (he was to the right of me) as if to say 'enough'. I was in a bit of a temper myself, I admit as I was sick of him going on. He grabbed it and proceeded to hit himself across the face with it, saying' You are hurting me everyday like this'. He then let go of my hand and smashed a glass against his forehead. I just got up and left the room and stayed there until now.
Please I am not out for sensationalism and not a troll.
He has always had a hot temper but has not laid a finger on me before. I have been with him for 14 years. I feel a corner has been turned here. Please help.

You obviously hate him or at the least very strongly dislike him. I don't understand why you are still with the man.

You sound increasingly emotionally violent towards him. It really is best if you call it a day. Both of you.

Yes, marmajam, for what it's worth, that's what I think too. Leave, and then reflect on the relationship. Having read all your posts, I personally (and this is only a personal opinion, based on what you've written) think that your thought-processes are inhibited - probably because you are in a situation that frightens you.

Personally, I think you would gain nothing at all from couples counselling and it could, in fact, be dangerous. I also feel (and this is only "feel") that clarity will come with distance, as you feel the space to think and reflect. I can completely see that you need a degree of clarity in order to be able to get out but I also think (and again, just i.m.o.) that you shouldn't wait to get "full" clarity before going. that will just keep you there.

For what it's worth, I find it a bit (only a bit, but a bit) worrying that you focus on who was hurt in the hitting/glass-in-face incident. I agree with garlicbutter upthread - that is no way to sort out an argument - time to go. It's enough. Now.

I worry that your questioning is going to keep you there. If it's questioning/awakening - that is good. But if it's a kind of questioning that puts off the moment of seeing the solicitor, CAB, bag-packing, that's not good.

Just my opinion.

Dittany - am I included in the "needling"? You do realise that if I am included in that you are basically calling me an abuser (someone who inflicts violence, even if merely verbal, on a woman) simply because I asked if we could try to keep things verbally non-abusive?

I have told my family and a few choice friends of what is happening. A few offers have been made to put me up in an emergency, and come around if called. It scared me to do this, but, funnily enough, they had been expecting it.
Doing an inventory of what is mine in the house. The house is in his name, but I'm not worried about that atm.

OP there's no need to be defensive. If you don't like living with him leave. If you loved each other you'd be discussing this with him and not on here.

Dittany: "This is a very odd thread. I thought victim-blaming and the defense of violent men was in the past at Mumsnet but apparently not. The needling of marmajam here is very unpleasant."

That comment may well have been addressed to marmajam. However, since you didn't PM it, I read it. And I asked if I was included in its term of reference, as a subject.

Mine is not an over-interpretation - it is clearly what was implied.

My reply was not "dishonest". How the heck would it be dishonest? Are you implying I didn't, actually, mean what i said/asked? I did.

And I'm afraid you can't belittle me with telling me I am crass for taking offence at what was, in actuality, an offensive comment. You were basically using the imagery of abuse to transpose any comments from other poster you found offensive into the terrain of verbal abuse.

You were introducing the subject of the subject of other posters comments.

Why is it you get to say some posters are "needling", and when one of them responds to a comment upon her contribution, she is "crass" for responding to that?

And "crass" - that descriptor is so inflected with superiority. What a put-down! i commend you, Dittany.

There is no excuse for physical or emotional abuse from men or women ever. For crying out loud treat other people with a bit of respect try a little kindness. Men are not always at fault and women are not always blameless. Equally the opposite is true. None of this is about gender it's about people.

I think it wise to remember that we only ever get one side of the story on threads such as these. However, based on the info provided by the OP the following seems obvious:

a) something within your relationship causes your husband to feel that he needs to smash a glass on his own head to vent his emotions.
b) something within your relationship causes you to feel frightened.

Neither of these things have any place whatsoever in a healthy relationship, and therefore surely separation is the kindest thing for both of you?

Sometimes there is an 'excuse' of sorts for some types of emotional abuse.
I have a friend whos ex stonewalled her totally and consistently, they had a small dc, she was driven to brink of madness by it. She begged on hands and knees for him to communicate. He enjoyed torturing her I think and she ended up ranting and throwing things. in the end she ended up in hospital. he fucked off. she is loads better now and thankfully he is well off the scene. nasty piece of work.

ClangingBangers, I don't really know why you think your comment is of any help.

Let's get one thing straight here, shall we? It is my husband that is the sociopath. I've no reason to lie here, so I shall just present the facts:

1, He NEVER EVER blames himself for anything- he is never to blame. He has lost a job because of a temper tantrum, his boss, frankly, had had enough and sacked him. In all fairness, he is a hard-working and found another of equal grade (but every bastard has his good points).

2, He asks my opinion on everything then promptly goes on to ignore my opinion. Now I cannot be wrong on EVERYTHING, can I? It just would not be possible.

Jesus, if anybody is being 'emotionally abused' it is me! Why the fuck are you and certain others here making him out to be the poor little man driven to distraction?!
And, then, I've had enough of being belittled and made to feel small and switch off emotionally and it is ME to blame for not engaging! Unbelievable.

Coltree, don't you tell ME not to be defensive, you come on here declaring that it is my husband that is being abused (no mention of me being abused on your part) then you have the nerve to tell me not to be defensive. Must have been a smirk on your face as you typed that. Get one over on the bitch, eh?

marmajam....Perhaps you're finding MN a bit if a release....but really is it doing you any good?

If I were you I would abandon the thread, put on some of my favourite music very loud and get motivated. Whether or not you're to blame, he's to blame or a fishfork in the knife drawer it's very obvious that you're no good for eachother. Keep a safe exit plan and leave.

Take Care, you don't have to justify your plans but FWIW I think you've got him sussed and I'd take every precaution to secure your safety.

You really must get out of this relationship or you will end up in hospital. It really does kill the soul being in these terrible situations.

Clanging, that remark above is just nasty. This is a support board not an attack board.

I'm not attacking. Not at all. I think the vitriolic responses of the OP, swearing, using capitals etc, doesnt look good. She is either at the end of her tether or about to be. Also she is not responding anymore and tbh i am slightly worried about her husband as well as her. I am assuming he has been out while all this chat has been happening and she is doing the inventory. I am not being nasty.

Bottom line is, i guess, this relationship is finished and they should both sit down or see sols and discuss going their separate ways. It looks very unhealthy.

I'm rather pleased, marmajam, to see you sticking up for yourself against all the strange internet abusers your thread seems to have attracted!

But don't let it distract you. What Crapola said ... he's likely to be very, very affronted when he realises you've had enough. Prepare beforehand, take your essential things and go. Womens Aid can give really excellent advice on this.

I''m glad you've got RL support and places to stay. Don't kill yourself over the inventory; it's probably safer to get anything precious out of his way first!

Oh dear, I had a message deleted. Not sure why really. I will leave this thread.

garlicbutter He has been as nice as pie since yesterday, I do not know how he will react when he realises I am leaving; I suppose a classic abuser would be affronted, but I don't think he falls into a classic type as such. To be honest, it would not surprise me if he carried on playing his computer game.
He really is odd like that.
Nevertheless, I must be prepared for violence all the same.

marmajam, can you see the connection between depression and a partner who abuses you, however underhanded...), emotional, physical, putting you down constantly (querying every word you come out with)?

He has ground you down, and grabbing your hand to make a point - whipping it across his own face, and you have the resulting pain - makes him an abuser.

What kind of person would smash a glass in his own face to make a point, really? Says it all about him, nothing about you!
"Run, Forrest, RUN!"

Someone who loves you builds you up, not puts you down!

The women on this forum who jumped on your case are deludednasty really, don't take no notice of them! (and don't bite the bait!), they have their own ishoos!