Please respond, don't know what to do about this.

[marmajam]

Namechanged.
It is with a heavy heart that I say the following, but I really need advice.
Things have not been right between dh and myself for a while (no dc's as yet).
I realise that my behaviour has not been exactly great, but I am questioning what happened last night.
Trying to be as neutral as I can.
Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on. So I raised my right hand (he was to the right of me) as if to say 'enough'. I was in a bit of a temper myself, I admit as I was sick of him going on. He grabbed it and proceeded to hit himself across the face with it, saying' You are hurting me everyday like this'. He then let go of my hand and smashed a glass against his forehead. I just got up and left the room and stayed there until now.
Please I am not out for sensationalism and not a troll.
He has always had a hot temper but has not laid a finger on me before. I have been with him for 14 years. I feel a corner has been turned here. Please help.

Although Coltrees advice might seem a bit hard, Dittany I really can't see how you can deduce your views on his relationship from one sentence of his.

wrt the OP I sometimes wonder if people are sometimes controlling without realising. IF two people see things in completely different ways and analyse things differently it is possible, for example with OPs DH, that he really doesn't see where OP is coming from and gets frustrated but is not able to see things from both POVs. Which might mean joint counselling to help him to stand back and see that, rather than the MN war-cry 'he is being controlling - leave him'

Not excusing the physical elements or the on-line stuff here though.

This bastard had the temerity to try and talk to his wife about their relationship. Then when she excercised her god given right to rudely blank him he had the gall to... gasp... hurt himself. What a shit. Kick him in the manjoes and leave him immediately!

And I'm a perfectly good driver.

In all seriousness I know that people of both sexes can be emotionally and physically abusive and neither is acceptable. Ever. I'm afraid that this post sounded so familiar (my DP often shares threads with me), that it upset me enough to make me register and post.

I've been emotionally abused but I don't want or seek sympathy from anyone here. I shared the fact simply to show that, sadly, I have some direct experience and I'm not just some random bloke taking the piss. Trust me I'd rather I hadn't suffered anything and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Dittany but why would you even raise that possibility - its nothing to do with this thread or helping the OP?

marmajam if you put aside all the recent bad stuff for the moment, I suggest try to look objectively at your relationship with your H, and think of how it might be in a few years time - possibly with DCs as you used the word 'yet' earlier - and think of whethter that is really right for you both. It is possible that you are incompatible with each other and long term that would spell disaster. Alternatively you might be compatible but going off in different mental directions and that needs straightening.
But whatever, the other stuff needs to be stopped now.

Right then. OP if you love your husband talk to him. Air your grievances and let him air his. If you then both decide that your marriage has no value anymore then end it. Try to be kind to each other during the divorce and minimise any further hurt.

If you don't want to talk about the relationship with him then it's over and you both might as well get the hell out of dodge.

Oh look a man being reasonable. Is ColTree a woman in disguise or is he just gay?

And Dittany my DP, Bernard, is suddenly quaking in her boots.

Dittany- do you think you are being a tad confrontational and inflammatory? In my posts I have tried to be reasonable. I merely suggested that there are 2 sides to every incident.

it's a bit silly to ask if someone who behaved like the OP's H would be my friend. They are not friends they are husband and wife. But yes, she can walk away if she likes. Or she can look at what has happened pre all of this and try to see why- including her own responses.

As for women's aid's checklist- I reckon most people in long term relationships could tick some of the boxes there. As long as it's not ongoing and violent, most relationships include some of those behaviours for some of the time.

My best friend has what- according to WA- would be an abusive marriage- they scream at each other, say despicable things, he once locked her in a room, and they throw things. The next day it's all forgotten about, almost. been married 21 years- this is how they live.

I have sympathy for you if you have been emotionally abused, but if you retaliated by physically abusing your wife or arranging to meet prostitutes behind her back, then you are to blame.
My dh insists nothing happened, but you cannot prove a negative i.e. that he didn't meet up with these women.

marmajam, I'm going to call you on this. You are being incredibly hostile to some posters on this thread.

Mn's virtue is that it can be used to solicit a range of opinions. One can use those to pod and proke, see what you agree with, and what you do - and thereby find your way (hopefully) out of the problem you posted with.

There really, really is no need to be so vituperative. It simply puts people off answering the next person who posts with a question/problem. There are real people at the other side of the screen. You may not agree with their opinions but quite often their intention was helpful.

Insult, belittling, verbal violence and contempt are neither necessary (simply ignoring, or using it to say "I disagree because ... will usually suffice) nor, actually long-term helpful.

It poisons the level of exchange on mn as a whole. This is not AIBU.

I would also like to say that if my dh had ONLY smashed the glass against his head, I would have sympathy, but it was not just that: it was the way he grabbed my arm that hurts. Not the glass-smashing.

Hostile? Hostile to Coltree, you mean? Don't think I've been hostile to anybody else here, frankly, but then good ol' Coltree appears to me to think that my dh is obviously right and I deserve a bloody good slap. So go figure. Sorry for being 'hostile'

Has he ever done anything like this before?
Have you ever done anything like that to him?

What is the history of all of this?

WHy was he so exasperated?
This is what I am not hearing .

His behaviour is not right or acceptable- but you also need to look to what has led to it.

Can you tell us?

Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on..

can you say why you would not talk to him? Is this a pattern?

pigglesworth springs to mind.

But why the heck are you arguing with me? What, on earth, do I matter?

I don't want to talk to him, I am afraid of him and thought that nobody gets into trouble by shutting their mouth. Daft of me.
I keep thinking of all the awful things he has done his 'hot temper' (his words) and of he keeps using this as an excuse for chucking my things about- he smashed my engagment ring against the wall and now it has a huge dent in it,the way he questions everything I do.
Coltree, the emotional abuse is mostly from him, the way he thinks he is entirely blameless for everything. He is a sociopath, I think. Not necessarily Cruel but never takes responsibility and is NEVER in the wrong.
And, now, when it has finally all got to me, he gets physically nasty.

You see I do not think he is particularly cruel or nasty; to be this, he would have to have some kind of frame of reference of what is normal. I don't think he has.
I don't think he is normal- what kind of person NEVER accepts they are in the wrong for anything? What sort of person asks a question of someone and then insists on knowing better?

Imagine what it is like to be asked a question of -day-in-day-out- and then being ignored by someone who believes they know better than you.
Well that is what life is like for me. He ignores everything I say. Oh no, not in a nasty way as such- just that he knows better IYSWIM.

The best advice here (amongst a lot of good advice) is to just leave him, wish him well and hope he meets another sociopath with whom he can breed other little sociopaths.

Dittany- no that is not what I meant. But in her orignal post she did indicate there had been a break down in communication. I was asking her- and so were others- to tell us what the back story was to this incident- not that the violent incident was justified in some way.

I think you need to get out, marmajam. Have you talked to Women's Aid?