Please respond, don't know what to do about this.

[marmajam]

Namechanged.
It is with a heavy heart that I say the following, but I really need advice.
Things have not been right between dh and myself for a while (no dc's as yet).
I realise that my behaviour has not been exactly great, but I am questioning what happened last night.
Trying to be as neutral as I can.
Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on. So I raised my right hand (he was to the right of me) as if to say 'enough'. I was in a bit of a temper myself, I admit as I was sick of him going on. He grabbed it and proceeded to hit himself across the face with it, saying' You are hurting me everyday like this'. He then let go of my hand and smashed a glass against his forehead. I just got up and left the room and stayed there until now.
Please I am not out for sensationalism and not a troll.
He has always had a hot temper but has not laid a finger on me before. I have been with him for 14 years. I feel a corner has been turned here. Please help.

[birdbirdbird]

i dont think slamming doors and shouting should be classed as normal behaviour, it can be abusive

[MildlyMadMum]

the previous post was in response to dittany's post at11.32.24

[MildlyMadMum]

I didn't realise that... I was responding to the original post... now I've read more answers, I see its been added to quite alot by the originator.. very hard to keep up with this one... but I stand by my statement... you don't glass yourself if your happy & calm... & enjoying contacting other women... this man is disturbed big time.

[sugartongue]

marmajam
re the stonewalling - for people who've actually experienced it within the context of an abusive relationship as a long-term technique that was used in a calculated manner in order to make the stonewalled person question their sanity, then smashing a glass on your head suddenly doesn't seem like an unreasonable response. Well still an unreasonable response but not a surprising one. dh's stonewalling was part of his manipulative behaviour which left me feeling almost completely destroyed. So when someone has experienced that, and felt that desperation and frustration it's natural to think back to your own dreadful experience and assume that your DH is being abused. I think that's the reason for all the negative responses. BUT i cannot judge that this is what is going on in your relationship and I don't suggest it is, but reading your original post brought those feelings back for me and rightly or wrongly my first sympathies were with him.

I am so sorry you're going through this. it sounds utterly dreadful.

[garlicbutter]

Good luck, marmajam :) Stay cool and keep going! I wish you a very happy leaving.

[Alfie2909]

You say that you feel safe now as he is out of the house yet on your orginal post when this started you never indicated any fear of him,

Has anything happenened since friday to make you feel this way?

[marmajam]

I am OK thank you. He is out of the house. I feel safe for now.
I agree that it is frustrating for women when their partners refuse to talk, but as I said previously, I doubt very much that these women respond by doing what my dh did. Yes, they may shout and slam doors but that is normal.
I like to think that some of the posters here got a bit carried away about the stonewalling part and just did not give thought to how unreasonable my dh's response was.
I've got to leave this thread now. I've nothing left to say.

[birdbirdbird]

im always reading on mn how a lot of women feel when their partners clam up and refuse to take. its frustrating we all know that.

[Ormirian]

How are you maramjam? Where is DH? DO you feel safe?

I apologise sincerely for misreading - your OP gave a very different feel to later posts.

[Ormirian]

"but if your dp/dh took YOUR hand, battered himself with it leaving you in pain and smashed a glass against his head would you just think 'fair enough' and leave it go?"

No. I think I would be very concerned for his state of mind and for my own safety. But from your OP alone it seemed that he was very distressed, you were being uncommunicative and he was acting out of desperation. Later posts still make me think he's in a bad way but it doesn't seem there is much you can do about it. Only you can know what you want to happen. rom your posts it seems you have already reached the end of the road.

[marmajam]

Oh god, I thought I had left this thread. Thank you, Dittany. You see although I am a believer of the old 'six of one half dozen of the other' argument in a lot of relationships, they are NOT the ones that include violence. Because violence is not excusable.
OK, if I had been attacking him and he pushed me off and I hurt myself, maybe then self-defence would have been a valid excuse, it was not like that, though.

I am glad I have namechanged, because some of the posts on this thread would give my dh carte blanche to physically hurt me further. They really would. I will leave now.

[marmajam]

I'm sorry if you do NOT believe that it is OK for a man to inflict violence on a woman, but that is the message I am getting from you in your post. That is how I interpret it. That is, I pissed him off so I deserved the violence. Can't really interpret it any other way, I'm afraid.

[marmajam]

Oh yes, I need help allright, help getting my confidence back and getting away from him. You know, no offence, Alfie2909, but although I agree that I am not perfect, there really is NO excuse for violence of this nature. I've never laid a finger on him.

The trouble with people like you is that you accept that it is OK for a man to beat up a woman should she piss him off (I will NOT accept that I am responsible for his violence. I am responsible for making him pissed off, perhaps, but not his violence). Sorry, but that is the message I am receiving here. No more on this thread, though. Those are my last words.

[Alfie2909]

So when did he put you in casualty? was it when he threw a candlestick at a picture behind you and you thought glass went into your eye although the hospital said there was nothing there.
I do think he needs help but I also think that you need it too as well as I do not believe that you are totally the innocent injured party in this, you both have part blame and both need to take responsibilty.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[marmajam]

I am sorry for your self-harming, but I think we have all thrown a plate across the room in temper (as long as nobody else in way, that's OK).

I don't think that for him smashing the glass is extreme, he has done it before for a 'lark' with other men. He did not seem that bothered by it, to be honest.

He can get help if he wishes, and although this is NOT directed to you, Alfie2909, perhaps he can find a woman who does not mind being put in casualty through his temper tantrums, or mind him chatting up other women and arranging to meet prostitutes (like I said earlier, I can't prove that he has/has not either way, but it sure sounded like he was arranging to meet up).

Seems a lot of the ladies on mn who have posted here have no objections to their dh's doing this so perhaps he can find women of similar mindsets who don't mind/ are not put out by this sort of thing. Me? I've had enough. No point continuing on this thread anymore. But thanks very much to all that have helped for being so supportive.

[Alfie2909]

I have been away from my ex for 14 years now, it's just me and the kids, yet when i have had a drink and feel angry and hurt and resentful of my situation I do not hit out at those close to me,

I take out my frustrations on myself, never smashed a glass on my foerhead but have done many other things, its usually my toenails that suffer, I rip at them untill they bleed, I realise the next day that I have been a twat and only I know and have to live with the discomfort that my anger has caused.

I have thrown the occasional glass or plate across the room (when in a room alone) but that creates noise and attention, Which I do not want.

I guess what I am saying is that if your dh really needed to do something extreme (smash the glass on his forehead) Take your hand to hit himself with then he must be suffering also and maybe you both need help with this,

[marmajam]

garlicbutter, If I had refused to engage with him and he had got up, banged his forehead on the wall, shouted and slammed a few doors, I would thoroughly expect and deserve posters telling me here to get a grip. But then, if that was what had happened, I wouldn't be posting here anyway.

Omirian, are you trying to upset me or have you not read the entire thread?
I don't want to bring gender into this, but if your dp/dh took YOUR hand, battered himself with it leaving you in pain and smashed a glass against his head would you just think 'fair enough' and leave it go?

[Ormirian]

Oh... i see

Why are you with him? You don't like him much and don't enjoy his company. He sounds incredibly frustrated. Call it a day?

[Ormirian]

" but has not laid a finger on me before"

He didn't this time either.

Why won't you talk to him?

[garlicbutter]

I've banged my forehead on the wall. More to make a point, not actually hurting myself or the wall or using someone else's body part as a weapon.

It will be nice, won't it, to make your dinner without having it minutely criticised; to talk as much as you like about whatever you like, to whom you like, and not to be frightened of having your work & relationships undermined?

[marmajam]

Alfie2909, Look, I honestly do not want to believe my dh is being abusive. I have known him a long time and love him very much, but I cannot ignore the evidence.
I can't remember which poster put up the 'abuse checklist' up here, but my dh does score at least 5 on the warning scale.
Now you can take me seriously or not, but I have zero reason to make this up.

I do feel that he is abusive and not normal. OK, nobody likes being stonewalled, but a normal response would be to say: 'Look if you don't talk to me, we are going to have to call it a day'.
Or, perhaps going into a temper, shouting a bit and slamming a few doors because that is what normal people do.
Some posters here may hate being stonewalled, but I doubt very, very much if they would grab their partner's hand and hit themselves with it and then smash a glass into their own faces!
If they are still here, I'd like to ask them this: do you do what my dh did when YOU are being stonewalled?

[Alfie2909]

No I do not know her, I am just going by my personal thoughts after watching this thread all weekend,

I may be wrong (probably am) but I do feel that the more that people tell her that she is being abused etc, the more she believes it, If that is the case then I am so sorry,

Yes I have lurked on this site for a long time but have never before felt so strongly about anything to make myself visible,

I do hope I am wrong, Ive been there and wouldn't wish it on anyone,

If marmajam really feels that she is in that situation then I too urge her to get out asap,

[CrapolaDeVille]

Alfie.....Do you know marmajam?