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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

have given DP an ultimatum.. stand up for me and not his mother or we are over!

186 replies

fairybubbles · 06/06/2011 11:41

Ive been with my DP for 9 years. We have 2 children aged 4 and 12weeks. i have had endless issues with his mother since we had our first child. She is a very controlling and bitter old lady and has insisted on seeing our DS once a week every week and put up such a carry on about making sure she gets her wishes. Ive never been happy with her demanding behaviour and have had many arguments with my DP about this. He will not stand up to her or his father. DP works full time mon-fri so the only time we get as a family are weekends. I have tried so hard to get on with them and be flexible i am even suggesting sometimes they come here mid-week when DP is at work on the one day our DS is off nursery in the afternoon.
She also tries very hard to divide our family. when she arrives she tells DS she is taking him out for a walk or to play and often im feeding the baby so im not able to go, she doesnt ask me first before saying to DS. The latest argument arose because she and DPs father took it upon themselves to buy a car seat for my DS. I told my DP that I was not happy for DS to go out with them without us there and therefore they did not need to buy this car seat. He refused to acknowledge my concerns. I decided to call his parents i tried to tell them camly that when they come to visit and if we are going out for the day then our children will be traveling in our car as they usually do. She then started shoutin down the phone saying how he is her grandson and she can do what she likes. her husband (DP's father) then took the phon for her and shouted abuse at me saying i should " go F@CK myself" and the call ended

she called back later and i answered. she demanded i let her speak to her son. i said he was busy and to wait as he was holding baby at the time. she screamed at me to get him on the line. i told her to mind her manners when she calls my house. i then heard DP agreeing with her on the phone and saying it was nothing to do with him and he doesnt have a problem. i am disgusted at his lack of respect for me. he then came off the phone and started an agument with me for phoning them. i said this was because he wouldnt listen and i needed to get my point across so i spoke to them myself. DP then shouted at me to "F@CK OFF" in front of our kids and stormed out the house, not returning until midnight.

this all happened on saturday and we havent sorted this out. i wrote him a letter yesterday and said that this was it, i have had enough and if he didnt support me and respect my decisions as a parent and stand up for me, getting his parents to apologise for there absurd behaviour towards me, then i dont see any future for us. we have 2 beautiful children together and we are a little family yet he cant seem to stand up to his maipulative mother. she has had her children and made her decisions and brought them up as she saw fit, why cant she allow us to do the same.

i really dont need this right now< im 12 weeks after giving birth> and still sleep deprived. ive had enough and im not backing down this time.

OP posts:
fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 06/06/2011 11:43

I have nothing to say except you could have been me 20 years ago.

He never did. I gave in time after time after time but eventually gave up.

He's the ex.

{{hugs}}

SenoritaViva · 06/06/2011 11:47

Perhaps he will realise where his priorities should lie with a threat. But don't threat unless you are willing to follow through. Is this such a problem in your marriage, if so then of course it is worth it, only you can tell. Just remember though, if you do separate that you will have no say in what/how his parents treat your children when it is his turn to have access.

Also, and don't want to sound like I am not taking this seriously, but your hormones will still be awry plus sleep deprived, are you sure this is what you want?

GypsyMoth · 06/06/2011 11:49

does he not get to make any 'decisions' about the childrens upbringing then?? why does he have to go with what you say......maybe he wants to do things differently?

Ormirian · 06/06/2011 11:52

"if he didnt support me and respect my decisions as a parent " Erm I have no wish to upset an angry woman but what about your DPs decisions. Do you support them as well.

catinthehat2 · 06/06/2011 11:53

"her husband (DP's father) then took the phon for her and shouted abuse at me saying i should " go F@CK myself""

"DP then shouted at me to "F@CK OFF""

"She then started shoutin down the phone saying how he is her grandson and she can do what she likes"

I think you should read your own post back, and translate it into a different situation:
3 people having a go at you at work
3 pepole having a go at you at the bus stop
3 people having a go at you in a supermarket

It doesn't happen does it? It's simply not normal behaviour.

buzzsore · 06/06/2011 11:57

Why aren't you happy for the gps to take your ds out without you going as well?

I think it's nice that they'd want to & bought a car-seat - surely it would give you a bit of a break?

Unless the gps are a risk to the child, I think you're being unreasonable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/06/2011 11:57

I will tell you now that toxic parents like his mother and father will never apologise nor take any responsibility for their actions. You need to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward. I would also install an answering machine; at the very least you need to have caller identity on your phone.

It sounds like your man is in thrall to his overbearing mother. Unfortunately many men do find it almost impossible to stand up to such controlling and domineering women; her other family members have let her get away with such behaviour for many years and the husband's to these awful women usually act as bystanders out of self preservation and wanting a quiet life. He has had a lifetime of such conditioning and even now still seeks her approval.

Your man now has a stark choice to make but this man's primary loyalty should be now to you, his own family unit.

shirleyshortcut · 06/06/2011 11:59

has insisted on seeing our DS once a week every week - not excessive really

she tells DS she is taking him out for a walk or to play and often im feeding the baby so im not able to go, probably thinks she is doing you a favour, leaving you to feed baby in peace

because she and DPs father took it upon themselves to buy a car seat for my DS sounds sensible

frankly you sound like you need to stop stamping your feet and grow up a tad

CotesduRhone · 06/06/2011 12:02

I kind of agree with shirleyshortcut here OP unless there is a LOT more to this that isn't evident. However, your partner's behaviour, shouting at you and so on, is clearly horrible.

I think you might be incredibly hormonal, can you maybe agree to put all this aside for a few months?

bbird1 · 06/06/2011 12:03

If my in-laws told me to fuck off it would be curtains for them as far as access to their grandchild is concerend.

fairybubbles · 06/06/2011 12:03

thank you for your replies.

i am willing to follow this through. it is not an idle threat.

i am sick of feeling unsupported by him, never in the 9 years i have known him have i ever seen him disagree with his mother or stand up to her. i am happy for her and dp's father to see the children regularly but not to controll us and certainly not to make decisions that are not theirs to make.

and if he comes home from work tonight without having made a decision, then im afraid i might make it for him. i cant stand the mind games of making me wait, worrying about all this.

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 06/06/2011 12:07

This sounds as though its not all post-birth hormones though - it happened with the older child too.

I wouldn't have been happy for my parents or my PiLs to buy a car seat unless they had previously confirmed suitability with me.

Unless we have been given a very skewed picture of the phone call, of course it is totally unacceptable for your FiL to have said that to you - or indeed your DH to speak to you like that - although he was probably feeling bad to some extent at not having the backbone to back you up at all.

Can you move away as a family? Would his parents follow if you did?

Ormirian · 06/06/2011 12:07

The verbal abuse by ILs and DH is not on at all! However could it not be that he agrees with his parents when it comes to the things you don't like? In which case you should discuss it and come to some sort of compromise. He might not be agreeing with her because he's a sap but because he thinks they are right. The examples you give don't seem so dreadful TBH.

TimeWasting · 06/06/2011 12:10

They don't really sound that unreasonable until they start swearing at you.

Perhaps you haven't outlined clearly just what it is you find so unreasonable, apart from the swearing obviously.

fairybubbles · 06/06/2011 12:20

i dont want them to take my children out without me or dp being there as they have broke our trust in the past. his mother makes her own mind up about everything and completely disrespects me. when ds was little they took him out for the day, i was grateful and all i asked was that they kept him in his pushchair on the way to and from the park as the road they needed to walk along was dangerous with fast speeding cars. they came back and bragged how they just let him out to walk. she made no secret of the fact that they did not listen to what i had asked.

she keeps bringing over yoghurts for DS. weight watchers ones. ds is def nt over weight and i am not happy at him getting these. ive said a few times in a joking way "dont worry he has his own in the fridge" but she still offers him them. i then decided to explain that children up to a certain age should get full fat dairy produce and i would prefer him to have his own so not to offer any of hers to ds. this is just an example there are plenty more......

she comments on how much cheese i let ds eat, saying in front of him how cheese is bad for you....my 4 year old still has a lot of growing to do, and as his parent if i want to allow him to snack on cheese then so be it...

oh and we allow him to eat far too much fruit....and fruit has lots of sugar in it, blah blah blah.....she has an opinion on everything!

regarding his parents, i have never swore at them. i might sound moany to some, but i have always been polite when trying to address an issue and i would never dream of telling a family member to "go F@CK themself"!

OP posts:
fairybubbles · 06/06/2011 12:25

and when i say they want to see DS once a week, its not just a wee visit for a couple of hours and a cup of tea or some lunch, they come early morning like 10am and sometimes dont leave until after 4 or 5pm. my DC have 2 sets of grandparents and my parents dont spend all day with us on a weekend as they know our time together as a family it limited as DP works all week. they realise they need to give us some time as a family ourself.

OP posts:
PfftTheMagicDragon · 06/06/2011 12:26

ARe these the worst things that they have done?

squeakytoy · 06/06/2011 12:32

Sorry Fairy, but she doesnt sound like she is that bad. She is clearly aware of safety (car seat), and also the concerns for sugar in the diet being bad for everyone. Fruit does contain a lot of sugar, she isnt wrong there either.

Why shouldnt she have an opinion?

Your posts come across as you being the one putting up the obstacles and finding fault with everything that she does :(

GypsyMoth · 06/06/2011 12:41

early morning is 10am!!!Shock

you sound a bit unhinged op

and your mil is right...lots of sugar in fruit!

fairybubbles · 06/06/2011 12:43

there is nothing wrong with having an opinion. there is something wrong however to keep expressing your opinion when you are not the childs parent, you are the grandparent, and the relationship already has its flaws.

she is a manipulative controlling old lady who has got away with using this sort of behaviour for years (she even controls her own husband, even telling him what clothes to wear).

if anyone was chosing a carseat for my child i would like to be consulted first, to ensure i was content with it fitting properly etc. she didnt even consider that. she wants to rule my family like she does her own and i cant stand back and allow it to happen.

i am so fed up right now so im heading out for a walk :(

OP posts:
buzzsore · 06/06/2011 12:43

I think you might be being a bit PFB. OK, mil's advice is unwanted and not up to date, but at least she's interested in her gs. She doesn't sound that bad.

Maybe you could go and visit them alternate weeks and then you get to choose how long to stay?

fairybubbles · 06/06/2011 12:50

ilovetiffany : i am not "unhinged" as you put it. by all means say something contructive. otherwise don't bother, thank you!

OP posts:
QuintessentialOldMoo · 06/06/2011 12:51

Your MIL insist on coming to see the grandchildren one day per week, midweek, when your child is off from nursery, from 10 am to 4pm, while your dp is at work? Every week?

I would not like that one bit.

Pootles2010 · 06/06/2011 12:52

You sound like you're the controlling one tbh.

Choosing her husband's clothes isn't that bad, plenty of couples do that - maybe he's just a bit hopeless with clothes?

Also would wonder where her being an 'old lady' is relevant?

squeakytoy · 06/06/2011 12:52

The impression I get from you is that you dont see her as being part of "your" family. But she is. She is your husbands mother.

How old is she? Why would she not be capable of ensuring a car set is fitted correctly?

It sounds to me like it is more a battle of wills that you are determined to win with the "my children" "my husband" stance... and I do actually feel a little sorry for your husband being stuck in the middle of the two most important women in his life behaving like this.