have given DP an ultimatum.. stand up for me and not his mother or we are over!

[fairybubbles]

Ive been with my DP for 9 years. We have 2 children aged 4 and 12weeks. i have had endless issues with his mother since we had our first child. She is a very controlling and bitter old lady and has insisted on seeing our DS once a week every week and put up such a carry on about making sure she gets her wishes. Ive never been happy with her demanding behaviour and have had many arguments with my DP about this. He will not stand up to her or his father. DP works full time mon-fri so the only time we get as a family are weekends. I have tried so hard to get on with them and be flexible i am even suggesting sometimes they come here mid-week when DP is at work on the one day our DS is off nursery in the afternoon.
She also tries very hard to divide our family. when she arrives she tells DS she is taking him out for a walk or to play and often im feeding the baby so im not able to go, she doesnt ask me first before saying to DS. The latest argument arose because she and DPs father took it upon themselves to buy a car seat for my DS. I told my DP that I was not happy for DS to go out with them without us there and therefore they did not need to buy this car seat. He refused to acknowledge my concerns. I decided to call his parents i tried to tell them camly that when they come to visit and if we are going out for the day then our children will be traveling in our car as they usually do. She then started shoutin down the phone saying how he is her grandson and she can do what she likes. her husband (DP's father) then took the phon for her and shouted abuse at me saying i should " go F@CK myself" and the call ended

she called back later and i answered. she demanded i let her speak to her son. i said he was busy and to wait as he was holding baby at the time. she screamed at me to get him on the line. i told her to mind her manners when she calls my house. i then heard DP agreeing with her on the phone and saying it was nothing to do with him and he doesnt have a problem. i am disgusted at his lack of respect for me. he then came off the phone and started an agument with me for phoning them. i said this was because he wouldnt listen and i needed to get my point across so i spoke to them myself. DP then shouted at me to "F@CK OFF" in front of our kids and stormed out the house, not returning until midnight.

this all happened on saturday and we havent sorted this out. i wrote him a letter yesterday and said that this was it, i have had enough and if he didnt support me and respect my decisions as a parent and stand up for me, getting his parents to apologise for there absurd behaviour towards me, then i dont see any future for us. we have 2 beautiful children together and we are a little family yet he cant seem to stand up to his maipulative mother. she has had her children and made her decisions and brought them up as she saw fit, why cant she allow us to do the same.

i really dont need this right now< im 12 weeks after giving birth> and still sleep deprived. ive had enough and im not backing down this time.

Fairy, that would drive me crazy too also. Its not so much that you couldnt handle them its that your other half appears to be siding with them, against you that would get my back up completely! i mean who do they think they are and he is worse for letting them away with it!.

I once dated a "daddy's boy" honestly every decision made went through his dad, drove me batty and I ended up aruging with him non-stop about it.

Have you tried just taking the children out when they arrive (not that you should have to) and they if there are any queries say "im sorry but your continued interference is putting a strain on my relationship with your son so its best to avoid you both for the time being".

I can completely understand why you would get so annoyed with your other half. I would too - he needs to grow a set and stand up to his folks.

Also re this bit:

She also tries very hard to divide our family. when she arrives she tells DS she is taking him out for a walk or to play and often im feeding the baby so im not able to go, she doesnt ask me first before saying to DS

Maybe she isnt trying to "divide" your family. Perhaps she is thinking it will give you a break or some peace to feed the baby, as well as getting your elder child out from under your feet too.

Try looking it from a less aggressive perspective, and you may be able to see that what she is doing is trying to be involved (as a grandparent has every right to want to be), and to also help you. Rather than seeing it as being interfering.

You are lucky that you have in-laws who are taking an interest in their grandchildren, and the opportunity to spend some time giving undivided attention to the children individually at a time when the 4 year old is likely to feel his special place in the family as the baby has been overtaken by his new sibling.

Unless there's more to it I dont see it as being something worth leaving your DH over...
the swearing isnt on though, you really need to have a proper talk with your DH. It sounds like he is getting it from both ends and is at the end of his tether.

Can't believe the OP is getting such a pasting.
It's not that what the grandparents do is unreasonable, it's the way they express such blatant disregard for OP's wishes and disrespect for her personally.
And insisting on a whole day with them every weekend IS excessive. Family time is important when one or both of you works every week.
Frankly if my inlaws told me to fuck off, I wouldn't want to see them again and I know DH would feel the same. Fact is they would never speak to me like that, because normal people do not speak to their daughters in law like that, no matter how PFB she is being.
Stick to your guns OP, this is not on at all

WHO recommend 9 fruit & veg a day for adults. OP doesn't sound unhinged; my dd has a friend whose mother asks her if she wants eg to go to Macdonalds insteasd of asking me or dp. No consideration for our plans. The ILs used to eg try toilet training dd before she was ready which just made itharder, insisted on holding her hand when walking which drove her mad, altered her sleep pattern which buggered everything up, etc. All trivial, all ignoring my/our decisions, all bloody tolerated by my -idiot fool husband- dp. What to do? Dunno really, leaving is a bit extreme, but only you know how undermining and belittling it is.

I give up with that strike through thing. dammit.

you DO sound unhinged

your child is also your dp's....he should have a say too. the child does not belong to you!! if he is 'content' with the car seat or any other thing,then that should be that!

I've just checked, this is Relationships not AIBU, people

if your dp agree's to the car seat what then?

if your dp agreed to them letting ds walk,what then?

if your dp agreed to a weightwatchers yoghurt,then what?

insisted on holding her hand when walking which drove her mad

Not quite seeing why that would be a problem unless your daughter was a teenager maybe?

OP have you heard anything from your other half yet about this? Do your own parents/support group have any opinions on it?

Im sure that its not just the latest trivial things that have made you boil over, 9 years of it would drive anyone mad. I wonder does your DP realise the damage his attitude to his parents is causing. Have you tried reasoning with him regarding this or is it just constantly that you are wrong and they are right?

I agree with OPs stance; her partner needs to realise that
his primary loyalty is now to his own family unit consisting of fairybubbles and their two children. He runs the very real risk of losing the OP here through being spineless and that would be sad for both of them.

Thankfully a lot of people do not and have never had to deal with such dysfunction from their own or their partner's families. What OP has experienced is certainly not how normal emotionally healthy people, let alone family, behave. What her partner's family clearly show is how toxic families operate and divide. It is hard to actually comprehend if such dysfunction has not been experienced at first hand.

OP - read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward. It will help you.

I think the MIL sounds horrible

this wont end well

op's dp doesnt do as wife says,so leaves the marital home.....to go back home to his mum!

wwhat then? oh yes,the ds will have his access time spent with dad...but where?? in dads new home! with mil and fil.....where op has absolutely NO control over goings on with her son!!

watch out op....

I'm sorry - I have read this through twice and still have no idea why you are so angry with your partner. Maybe he would like his children to have a good relationship with his parents rather than one where his mother's every move is cause for complaint........

I would be interested to know if you have parents of your own and, if so, how they are with your son.

Yes, she shouldn't have sworn at you but I have an adult son and if his partner expected me to jump through hoops over a long period of time in order to have a relationship with the children, I would be very upset. And maybe eventually lose my temper. And possibly swear.

These are your partner's parents and your children's family. Are you really going to end your relationship with him because he loves his mum? That your children's parents should live apart because of such trivial rubbish? Seriously?

I'm sure, with a relatively new baby, you are tired and hormonal at the moment and that in a few weeks, when you are getting some more rest you may see this differently.

Weird. OP posts about her family being foul to her, and then gets people here telling her she sounds unhinged and that she should put up with GPs who don't respect her wishes and tell her to fuck off. These same people then back up the GM, saying things like "fruit does have a lot of sugar in it" despite it being patently clear that children's health is going to be enhanced, not damaged, by eating fruit, in the vast majority of circumstances, ie completely ignoring the subtext of why the GM said what she said.

OP, I'm sorry for all your troubles. I wish I had something constructive to offer by way of advice, but all I can do is say that your concerns sounds all too real, to me.

they will be even more real if he goes for joint residency!!

Christina: do you really regard someone deliberately ignoring a mother's express request for how to manage her child's safety as "trivial rubbish"? How is trust built under such circumstances?

Slhilly, too much fruit can be bad for a child. It has a lot of sugar and fibre in it, and an excess can overload the digestive system.

If my DIL was forever putting up barriers and finding fault with anything I did, I would be tempted to tell her to go fuck herself too to be honest. Luckily she doesnt.

I agree, swearing at someone isnt particularly nice, but so far, the examples from the Op which are annoying her are not issues which would have me threatening to throw my husband out.

her dp surely has some say in HIS ds's safety and upbringing?

since when has a 'mother' had all rights??

i can see the op's point and why she is upset buy i'm not sure why her husband should leave if the worst he has done is supported his parents in wanting to spend time with their grandchildren. i can't see that they have done anything dangerous or neglectful while looking after their grandson. if you are worried about the car seat then check it's fitted in the car properly. it may not be the most expensive or best one available but if it's still an age/weight appropriate car seat then it's still safe.

i agree the husband's first priority should be his wife and kids, and that he should support his wife's wishes..unless they are unreasonable.

i agree the in -laws sound controlling and downright rude but is that really worth splitting up with your husband over?

if there were no kids do you think you would still be in such an unhappy relationship that you would want to split up? i am very controlling with my kids and my in-laws aren't too happy about it but i'm not about to split up with my husband because of it.

is it not worth trying to sort out your relationship through relate or other relationship counselling?

This has been going on for the last 5 years after the first child was born (and probably before then as well).

His parents actions are patently not ones of emotionally healthily functioning people.

Thankfully a lot of people do not and have never had to deal with such dysfunction from their own or their partner's families. What OP has experienced is certainly not how normal emotionally healthy people, let alone family, behave. What her partner's family clearly show is how toxic families operate and divide. It is hard to actually comprehend if such dysfunction has not been experienced at first hand.

Hmm, reading between the lines it sounds like your MIL is a tad overbearing, slightly oldfashioned in her outlook and quite outspoken.

All things that can be coped with once in a while.

And while I would not like having to see the PILs every weekend for a whole day, I don't think that the examples that you have listed are so very bad.

I know that my PILs do things differently to me, but I also know that they love my DC and are doing what they think is right.

One Weightwatchers yogurt once a week is not going to do your son harm. If she brings a whole pack, let him eat one and throw the rest out.

Ignore fruit/cheese remarks.

Not sure why you are cross about the car seats. And why you are insistant that they are not allowed to take your DC out. Have they done anything that makes you feel that your DC would not be safe with them? (Aside from not putting him in his pushchair when walking home from the car but I would have let a young child do this too.)

squeakytoy, you're missing the point. Too much fruit can be a problem, in theory. In practice, this is hardly what dentists and doctors up and down the land spend their time worrying about, is it? They worry about junk food, not about fruit. And when is unasked-for commentary about one's child's eating habits like that ever welcome? The way the rest of your post reads, it sounds as though you're taking on the mantle of "defend embattled MILs".

re

But it is trivial and certainly not enough to pull a family apart over.

The MIL is just trying to have a relationship with her grandchildren - I don't expect to vet my mother's choice of carseat, nor micro-manage her behaviour with my children. No MIL of my own but I can't see myself being different if I had one.

How is she expecting to explain to her children that she threw away her relationship with their father because Grandma bought a carseat without asking and she commented on the fruit..........?

I think, OP, that your MIL probably isn't the threat that you perceive her to be and that you could be allies if you could stop trying to control everyone.