have given DP an ultimatum.. stand up for me and not his mother or we are over!

[fairybubbles]

Ive been with my DP for 9 years. We have 2 children aged 4 and 12weeks. i have had endless issues with his mother since we had our first child. She is a very controlling and bitter old lady and has insisted on seeing our DS once a week every week and put up such a carry on about making sure she gets her wishes. Ive never been happy with her demanding behaviour and have had many arguments with my DP about this. He will not stand up to her or his father. DP works full time mon-fri so the only time we get as a family are weekends. I have tried so hard to get on with them and be flexible i am even suggesting sometimes they come here mid-week when DP is at work on the one day our DS is off nursery in the afternoon.
She also tries very hard to divide our family. when she arrives she tells DS she is taking him out for a walk or to play and often im feeding the baby so im not able to go, she doesnt ask me first before saying to DS. The latest argument arose because she and DPs father took it upon themselves to buy a car seat for my DS. I told my DP that I was not happy for DS to go out with them without us there and therefore they did not need to buy this car seat. He refused to acknowledge my concerns. I decided to call his parents i tried to tell them camly that when they come to visit and if we are going out for the day then our children will be traveling in our car as they usually do. She then started shoutin down the phone saying how he is her grandson and she can do what she likes. her husband (DP's father) then took the phon for her and shouted abuse at me saying i should " go F@CK myself" and the call ended

she called back later and i answered. she demanded i let her speak to her son. i said he was busy and to wait as he was holding baby at the time. she screamed at me to get him on the line. i told her to mind her manners when she calls my house. i then heard DP agreeing with her on the phone and saying it was nothing to do with him and he doesnt have a problem. i am disgusted at his lack of respect for me. he then came off the phone and started an agument with me for phoning them. i said this was because he wouldnt listen and i needed to get my point across so i spoke to them myself. DP then shouted at me to "F@CK OFF" in front of our kids and stormed out the house, not returning until midnight.

this all happened on saturday and we havent sorted this out. i wrote him a letter yesterday and said that this was it, i have had enough and if he didnt support me and respect my decisions as a parent and stand up for me, getting his parents to apologise for there absurd behaviour towards me, then i dont see any future for us. we have 2 beautiful children together and we are a little family yet he cant seem to stand up to his maipulative mother. she has had her children and made her decisions and brought them up as she saw fit, why cant she allow us to do the same.

i really dont need this right now< im 12 weeks after giving birth> and still sleep deprived. ive had enough and im not backing down this time.

oh I do so hope it pans out, that a miracle happens, because that's what is needed imo. BUT miracles do happen, particularly when there is a lot at stake. I do so hope your DH wakes up and gets a glimpse of the truth, which is that he has been conditioned by his parents, brainwashed (sorry for dramatic language) and that his priorities are in the wrong place - a place that doesnt wish him well but insists on the status quo (control) being kept in place.

I'm so sorry it has come to this fairy but I hope this is a turning point. Maybe it has had to be dramatic to dig up the myth iyswim - maybe it had to come to this to make it clear that you are serious that the situation can't continue. If she were meddling or irritating that would be one thing but imo she is toxic - or her behaviour is toxic - and you have gone a long way to accommodate her eg every w/e for an entire day. No-one could say you didn't try but imo it is an impossible situation and something fundamental has to change.

I do so get your points Mrs. I agree that life/people are not black and white. Though I would argue that you/one has to identify what you are facing before you can choose what to do about it iyswim. Maybe it is an idea to call someone's behaviour toxic so you know where you stand, get it clear in your head (as being on the end of toxic behaviour is notoriously confusing and destabilising). I agree that someone can love and behave in a toxic way at the same time - the challenge is to work out which gets the upper hand. In OP's case I don't think the ILs love her or want the best for her but want to take ownership of her family through their son.

I have been following this thread since the beginning with interest because my circumstances were very similar. I put up with it. It totally ruined my 'family'. I had to have my MIL every holiday! She would look after our children so that we could continue to work. Christmas, Easter, Summer - she came with us on our holidays. It interfered with us being a family. Now I am desperate for a divorce. We are not a family in any sense. No bonding.

Please make sure if he does return, it is on your terms, but imo he wont be able to change and you are better off without him.

I have been where you are too and like Iwantwine I also tolerated it. BIG mistake. I admire you for making a stand and agree with the posters who say that if he does return make sure its on your terms, which imo are not unreasonable.

Hello, Fairybubbles,
Imho, it is a bold stroke of genius that you have made a stand, and made it now.

I believe pregnancy hormones can bring a sense of undiluted clarity to one's perceptions. Please don't be dismissive of your own feelings, ever.

I agree with Attila and Caterpillar, and one or two other posters who names I forgot. The Mil is using your children to degrade you into invisibility. Your dh has a lifetime of brainwashing/training and his spinelessness is saying he doesn't exist truly in his own identity. He is entirely under his mother's control.

Your ultimatum brought this into focus, maybe for the first time, for him. It no doubt scared the crap out of him and he let himself be governed by his reflexes-go to Mommy. So powerful is the training that it has caused him to abandon his wife-mother of his children, and his children. If he can not see that he exists, then it is difficult to see that others exist-ie: you and the dc.

I think that is why he was inclined to side with Mommy. He is still stuck in an adolescent state and has not been allowed to progress further because Mommy's dysfunctioning parenting would not allow it.

Reading John Bradshaw....sorry . But really, some books do explain an awful lot. The Susan Forward books on Toxic topics are enlightening. And Fairy, it wouldn't be a waste of your time to read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, except here it would be in the context of "Why Does SHE Do That?". I read the book and my sister was on every page. Controlling and choosing to be that way.

Now of course I am not attempting to psychoanalyze your dh. But your frustration may be resolved a little by (perhaps) understanding the dynamics, and I think it is valid to offer possibilities for you to consider. Only you can tell what may apply to your case and what doesn't.

A bit of disclaimer: I am lucky with my mil: she lives 512 miles away. Might be a bit of a clue for you there-it may be possible to have a thriving relationship with your dh only if you were to move miles away.

the whole thread yet got to about page 4 so sorry if I repeat what others have already said.

I used to have major issues with my inlaws, so much infact I once left my DP because of them. (found out FIL was keeping tabs on me) We get on much better nowadays. There used to be a constant battle for control wrt DD- what she ate, where she went, what she wore. Thing is, she is my PFB and I wanted everything to be perfect and do everything myself, just right. MIL wanted the same only she wanted to do it-differently to me. She wanted a second chance at having a DD because the mother-daughter relationship she had/has with her own DD isn't all that close.

Guess what I'm getting at is, yes your children are your's (and your partner's) so yes you should make important decisions in their lives obviously, but really some stuff isn't worth getting worked up about. The carseat for example. As long as it's appropriate for your DC and fits in their car does it matter that they have it? If they don't use it often, meh. Not your problem. I'd ignore the comments about what you feed your DS- why let it get to you if you know what he eats is fine? Them gloating about letting him get out the buggy next to the busy roads was to wind you up- why let it? TBH if someone reminded me, a full grown adult, I should hold a small child's hand when out and about especially near busy roads I'd be fuming. I'm guessing your inlaws were pretty pissed off by that too. I'd never dream of saying something so patronising to any of my DD's grandparents or extended family, even my BIL who plays it fast and loose with his own kids safety at times.

Your inlaws and your DP swearing at you was out of order and they should have the decency to apologise to you for that, but maybe they'd just reached the end of their tether. It sounds like you've been getting worked up about things for a long time now. My own DD will be 4 in September and I'm due any day now with DC2. If anyone- inlaws, my mum, aunt, the dog next door- wants to take DD out for me nowadays I practically bite their hand off with the only instruction being "have her home in time for her bath!" I'm well past micro managing how other people do things.

Sorry it's so long OP. But really, I don't think an ultimatum is the answer. Your DP no doubt sees no issue with how his own mum does things- she raised him after all. If you ever did split up with him you'd have even less control over how he and his family look after the children. Pick your battles wisely.

OP :( Sorry it has gone that way, at least you knew you were right and he couldn't/wouldn't risk any upset with them even after initially agreeing to do stuff.

It must suck to have your own husband completely agree with other side and not be there to support you.

I can offer no advice I'm afraid but I have been thinking of you the past few days and was ed at the initial posts on this thread. I should have posted support earlier

Just caught up now.

Sorry it turned out like this. Your DP walking out on his family in favour of his parents is pretty shocking and tbh even if he did come back with his tail between his legs I've no idea how you'd get past that. He's abandoned his kids for the sake of 2 adults and left you at a vunerable time. If his mum and dad cared for any of you at all they'd insist he come back and fight for you all.

They should have all apologised for speaking to you the way they did- the fact they didn't I guess proves that they don't want to have a harmious family life.

OP so sorry it has come to this. Hope you are finding strength and support on here and in RL.

Please please know that they are in the wrong. Him leaving is about continuing to gang up on you and undermining you. Please stay strong. As others have said a man who is willing to walk out on a 3 month old over something like this is not a man who can be relied upon for anything.

He is used to shouting you down I think and is probably hoping this will bring you back into line. Is this the life you want?

you have every right to make decisions on making sure your children are safe and have a healthy diet even if you were, which your not, being irrational and hormonal surely your allowed to be... Maybe now dp will have time to realise whats really important to him meanwhile you take care of yourself and dc he'll soon come running back. I find with my inlaws they're quick to criticise but not quick to give advice when its asked for!

I'm so sorry op :(

I am so sorry Fairy!

I know you will obviously feel hurt right now, but believe in youself and your convictions! Do not back down to these horrid self centered people.

What an awful situation. I hope you have your own family or very good friends with you RL to help you through this.