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Original poster

Don't want to sleep with DH

185 replies

cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 11:29

really need some advice on this. Last time DH and I dtd it was really awful and I felt so totally rejected afterwards. That was 3 weeks ago and I know that it's starting to be expected of me. Had the comments this morning about us needing an early night.
I just don't want to. I don't think I love him anymore, don't fancy him anymore. I can't just do it because it's expected of me, I've done that the last few months and it makes me want to cry :(
I started seeing a counsellor this week who gave me some good advice but we didn't get onto this issue.

OP posts:
StellaSays · 03/06/2011 11:38

Sex can be so awful if you don't want it, in the past I have had the same and cried after sex because it was so bad and I felt rejected after.

I think you need a long hard discussion with you DH about how you are feeling. With my ex he would not talk so I wrote it all down and made him read it and reply in writing. Hopefully you won't have to go as far as I did. You have my sympathy.

ScrotalPantomime · 03/06/2011 11:41

Why do you feel rejected, when he wants to have sex with you? Do you mean it's just sex without intimacy, cuddles etc? Is he just using you for the physical act without the love behind it?

:(

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 11:48

Definately no intimacy unless it's with that goal in mind.
I felt rejected last time because he woke me up at 4am to dtd (!) then proceeded to do so without any warm up (but was consensual) then halfway thru he stopped because it wasn't doing anything for him and got up showered and went to work :S

OP posts:
ScrotalPantomime · 03/06/2011 12:17

He sounds like a right tosser I'm not surprised you don't want to sleep with him.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 12:26

Thanks! It hasnt always been like that, it just always has to be on his terms iykwim. It's been a very long time since he held my hand or cuddled me just to be close. Years.
I'm not entirely blameless, I had an online liaison with someone a few months ago and am dealing with that (hence the counsellor). I know that doing more with my DH might help me feel closer to him. But I just can't. He told me this morning he'd like to see me in the underwear he bought for me last month - I hate the whole having to dress up and make an occasion of it.

OP posts:
buzzsore · 03/06/2011 13:23

Well, you can't fix this on your own, it takes two to make a relationship work. What does he say about the lack of touching/affection outside of sex?

If you don't love him anymore, 'though, maybe it isn't a case of trying to fix things, but more a case of getting the courage to end it.

Miggsie · 03/06/2011 13:31

You sound lonely.

Talk to the counsellor about this.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 13:38

Buzzsore - have tried, he doesn't see a problem
Miggsie - lonely is an understatement. I did talk bit to counsellor about it and I can finally get to sleep now after months of insomnia thanks to her direction. Lonely and awake in night not a great combination!

I think I might need to feign some kind of illness to get me past the weekend.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 03/06/2011 22:01

He sounds like a crap shag TBH. I wouldn't put up with a) being woken at 4am for sex b) sticking it in with no preamble and c) stopping halfway! What a tosser. If he was better at it you might want it more. Tell him that.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 22:39

Thankfully he has developed a terrible mancold today so I'm let off the hook for the evening. How sad to be thinking like that. :( The thing is there's nothing wrong with my sex drive, virtually any bloke looks shaggable to me ATM - just not the one I share a bed with.

OP posts:
Omigawd · 03/06/2011 22:42

You've had an EA, he's still p*ssed off, and you won't wear the sexy gear he's stongly hinted would be acceptable as a peace offering to show him you're still his girl.

Instead of feigning illness have a few drinks, put the bloody negligee on and go at it like a trooper while thinking of England. Then see if there is still a problem.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 22:46

He doesn't know about the EA and it's not peace offering underwear - I have a wardrobe of the stuff that I'm supposed to doll myself up in, get bought it all the time.

Can see how I should really just get on with it but not sure I want to.

OP posts:
RedGreenBlue · 03/06/2011 22:54

Well, go off and meet someone else then. Jees. It's fairly apparent you don't want to be with him anymore, and there doesn't seem to be anything that would change that. What are you hoping will happen if you stick around?

buzzsore · 03/06/2011 22:56

Eurgh, I threw up a little in my mouth at omigawd's advice.

He's not exactly giving a lot, is he? Can't be arsed with foreplay, wakes you at ungodly hours for rubbish sex, doesn't show affection physically apart from sex. Of course you don't want to have sex with him. Who would?

You might want to look at relationship counselling together, if you want to work on things, but like I said before, it takes two to make this work.

hurryup · 03/06/2011 22:57

omg - having just had an ea, i've come to the conclusion that attractiveness has far more to do with having an emotional connection and feeling respected and loved. I felt under pressure to have sex with my h and it caused so many rows, I didn't want him to touch me because I didn't feel that way about him. I thought I had a problem but I now realize that it was just a symptom of a failing marriage. Maybe its the same for you?

redflagsahoy · 03/06/2011 23:01

Hi OP it doesn't sound like there is a lot of affection at all, would your DH go to the counsellor with you maybe. Do you want to save your relationship? I hope you are able to come to a happy conclusion for the both of you

smearedinfood · 03/06/2011 23:15

What happens when you say no to him? Have you told him you only want to do it if he is more affectionate to him, or are you already emotionally half out the door?
Does he have any idea how you feel?

Omigawd · 03/06/2011 23:17

Teach me to make assumptions :(

Seemed to me tho' that you 2 have got into an impasse, as buzzsore says it takes 2 to make this all work. My thinking was more that you bite your lip and compromise and if it still isn't OK at least you've done your best.

The alternative is pretty clear, so is that what you want?

matthew2002smum · 04/06/2011 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 07:06

Yes we have kids, hence I'm trying to make it work. No he won't see a counsellor with me, in fact he doesn't want me seeing one at all so doesn't know I am.
If I say no he sulks and is so miserable and grumpy, shouting at me and the kids, I give in.
Symptom of failing marriage, yes big time but I don't want it to fail.
And it's not that he won't do foreplay, it just has to be his way. Doesn't care if it's something I like. Easier to do it without anything tbh.

OP posts:
flimflammery · 04/06/2011 07:11

He sounds very controlling.

Makeminealarge · 04/06/2011 07:45

Apart from the bedroom department how is your relationship overall? are there any good points?!

Perhaps he too feels rejected?if you're not wanting to have sex with him he would have to be blind and bloody stupid to not sense that something is wrong whenever he hints at playing some duvet dancing. Hence the lingerie, spontaneous love making etc?

All in all, to me you sound deeply unhappy and having an online affair is a sign of escapism, dont stay together for the kids, it does more damage than good.

hurryup · 04/06/2011 07:56

Omg - your story is so similar to mine except my h would call me a frigid cow when I made an excuse for not having sex. We're now separated and I'm trying to sort out my feelings for him at the same time as recovering from having an EA, I don't regret the ea as it gave me the strength to leave my h. He's now making a massive effort to change and so I'm confused. My adivce to you would be to sort out your feelings for your dh before looking outside of your marriage as it then becomes virtually too complicated to sort out. But remember you only get one life and staying with someone that isn't right for you so that your marriage hasn't failed probably isn't making the best of that life.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 08:23

Good points, sure there are some ... can't think of any at the moment though. We've never had a very active time in the bedroom department. Always been twice a month max and he's never gone near me when I'm pg or for a long time after. No real fireworks there particularly for the last 5 years. Not helped by the fact he refuses to get the snip and I am terrified getting pg again. Can't take the pill or other hormonal types. He won't do so in case he "wants another family with his second wife" I laugh about that but its bloody hurtful!!!
Hurryup - oh I'm that too. And too skinny - like shagging a skeleton apparently! Wow what a turn on it is to be told that :/ Last year I was too fat, he used too jiggle my flab whilst dtd, now he sniggers at my too small breasts. He knows the issues I have with my body and points out to me how nobody else would want me like this :(
He's probably right.

OP posts:
meltedchocolate · 04/06/2011 09:58

Shock OP that is emotional abuse! Ditch the loser! How he is treating you in bed is NOT acceptable!