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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to sleep with DH

185 replies

cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 11:29

really need some advice on this. Last time DH and I dtd it was really awful and I felt so totally rejected afterwards. That was 3 weeks ago and I know that it's starting to be expected of me. Had the comments this morning about us needing an early night.
I just don't want to. I don't think I love him anymore, don't fancy him anymore. I can't just do it because it's expected of me, I've done that the last few months and it makes me want to cry :(
I started seeing a counsellor this week who gave me some good advice but we didn't get onto this issue.

OP posts:
snowmama · 04/06/2011 10:58

Agree with meltedchocolate, there is zero reason why you would want to sleep with him, and he is wearing down your self esteem by being incredibly cruel.

Makeminealarge · 04/06/2011 11:16

argh! thats awful! you're worth so much more as a person! take the kids and get out of such an emotional abusive relationship. You children will pick up on his negativities and deem them acceptable. You putting up with this crud for so long is making it acceptable. you know yourself its not right, by putting up this post and telling us all these details i think you're looking for confirmation of what you already know.

how much longer are you willing to be unhappy for?!

hurryup · 04/06/2011 11:22

It's up to you omg but for what it's worth, I've already decided that I'd rather go to bed and wake up alone for the rest of my life than be lonely in my marriage. Too much had happened for too long for us to short things out and I'm having less doubts about what I've done. The trouble is, you get so worn down by them that you think that's what all relationships are like - they're not. You just need to find the energy to sort it, my energy came from my EA but not necessarily recommended.

hurryup · 04/06/2011 11:23

It's up to you omg but for what it's worth, I've already decided that I'd rather go to bed and wake up alone for the rest of my life than be lonely in my marriage. Too much had happened for too long for us to short things out and I'm having less doubts about what I've done. The trouble is, you get so worn down by them that you think that's what all relationships are like - they're not. You just need to find the energy to sort it, my energy came from my EA but not necessarily recommended.

hurryup · 04/06/2011 11:24

Oops, sorry don't know why it posted twice !!

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 11:33

Hurryup - do you have kids? That's why I'm staying - that and 20 years of marriage :(

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 11:35

Makeminealarge - I was planning to put up with it for about 14 more years tbh, till my youngest was old enough to go to uni. That's been my plan for quite a while but I'm not sure I can manage that. Not sure I can sacrifice the rest of my life to keep my kids happy.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 04/06/2011 11:53

Darling, please don't stay for the children. They will know and it is a tremendous pressure on them. You can both be parents, you just don't have to be lovers. 20 years is a long time and if there were things to work at then I would say try but you sound so sad and he sounds like a bully.

Think about your future.

If he came home and said he was leaving what would your initial reaction be?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 11:58

TheOriginalFab - if he came home and said that - it would be the most amazing news ever! Best if all if he had found someone else so would be happy, out of my life but would still financially support my children ... that's the kind of stuff I fantasise about. How sick is that?!!!

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 04/06/2011 12:10

Not sick but it does mean it is over for you and you need to act on that or put up with things as they are.

hurryup · 04/06/2011 12:16

Yes, 5 kids, aged 13 to 2 and 15 years of marriage. The children were why I left as I didn't want them thinking that out marriage was what they should aspire to.

hurryup · 04/06/2011 12:41

Also, I meant to say that I had exactly the same thought about my h having an affair, I'd have welcomes it with open arms and that realisation was the final straw. It's been tough making the decision but easier than hanging on to a marriage that was bad for me and my children. Do you have friends you can talk to?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 12:57

Yes have RL friends to talk to, they've all been telling me to leave for years. It's such a mess :( We spend weekends doing things separately - today I'm shopping, he's at park with DCs. So that wouldn't change. It's just financially plus (I've put this on a thread before) he has always said he would emigrate rather than pay for his kids if I make him leave. So not sure how the heck I'd cope financially. Money is all that stops me, that and that terrible feeling of depriving my DCs of a dad :(

OP posts:
BoscosBox · 04/06/2011 13:01

I second Fabs advice . You sound very lonely and sad and scared about being a single mum ?
You deserve better than the way your (d) H is treating you Sad
Do you have any savings that your dh doesn't know about ? like an escape fund ?

BoscosBox · 04/06/2011 13:04

Sorry i x posted with you OMG . Could you start to put just a few ponds aside each week ?
He would be made to pay his share for the children so don't listen to his threats , that's just him trying to frighten you .
You would not be depriving your children of a dad , you will be giving them a HAPPY mum .[hugs]

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 13:09

I'm terrified of the thought of being a single mum. Not from the point of view of coping, did that for years when he worked away from home. It's just the money, we have a big house but big mortgage, no savings and I definately have no escape fund! Dont have any money of my own.
I can't see a way out, think I just have to suck it up. I'm trying to cope but feels like I'm just treading water and I am trying so hard to make it work. But I just can't do the whole bed thing without affection anymore :(

OP posts:
lazarusb · 04/06/2011 14:01

Believe me - there are more terrifying things in life than being a single parent. You would cope. Financially too - claiming benefits isn't where you see yourself but they can help you pick yourself up and start again. You could find a part-time job when you are ready. He also has an obligation to support his dcs so don't worry about that...leaving the country isn't as easy as his threat makes out.
From what you've posted, this relationship doesn't have anything left for you. You certainly don't sound as if you love him any more. Your dcs would be better off away from this lonely relationship.

ClangingBangers · 04/06/2011 14:14

You do have money of your own though. You have been married two decades and money is shared. You both have equity in your house.

You sell the house. Both get somewhere smaller.

If he emigrates? Thats his choice.

You would be fine.

It's amazing how one can survive on very little. And you wouldnt have 'very little'

Do you work?

BertieBotts · 04/06/2011 14:41

You wouldn't be depriving the kids of a Dad. Leaving the relationship doesn't mean he can't still be their Dad (doesn't mean he can't be a good Dad, either) - if he CHOOSES not to be involved in their lives, if he CHOOSES to take his anger against you out on them, that's HIS decision. There's nothing at all you can do to prevent that. A good Dad would not let anything come between the relationship with his children. Imagine it the other way around - if you split up and he got custody (extremely unlikely, BTW, please don't worry about this - it's hypothetical) - would you not move heaven and earth to see them?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 14:50

BertieBotts - could he get custody??? If he found out about my EA could he use that against me? I wouldnt know how to carry on without my DC, they're my world.
No I don't work - plan to find something in Sept - DH suggested a strip club because I'm not smart enough to do much else apparently :(

OP posts:
lazarusb · 04/06/2011 15:03

I think it's unlikely - very - that he would get custody and your EA wouldn't come into a child access arrangement.
Your dh is an arse and you don't need him in your life. Maybe you should be pleased that he thinks you are attractive enough for other people to pay you to take your clothes off. Grin Personally I'd see that as a challenge!

You are going to feel so good when you prove him wrong OP. Hold your head up and be proud. You are strong, even if you don't feel it at the moment. You are a good Mum and any employer would be happy to have you, I'm sure.

BertieBotts · 04/06/2011 15:06

No, he definitely couldn't, please please don't worry about that, I'm so sorry I mentioned it. If he's been working and you have been the main carer for the children then even if it went to court (this is unlikely) things would be heavily in your favour, because they like to keep things the same for children as much as possible in terms of the parent who cares for them.

I didn't mean to scare you, just to say if you split up and you were in his position, you'd do anything to see them, right? So if you split up and he DOESN'T, that says everything about him and nothing about your decision to leave what sounds like a very destructive and unhealthy relationship.

Have you seen the emotional abuse thread on here? I think you might find it eye opening.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 15:15

Ok I did get a bit scared now. Ive been a SAHM for 15 years now so am the main carer. I really wouldn't want them to live with him, he has such a short fuse with them sometimes. He'd never hurt them but just has no patience. I've posted on AIBU before about how he's never got up to my youngest DC despite the fact they wake up 3-4 times a night still (at age 3). So I don't have much faith in his ability to look after them himself! I really do think it's a possibility he would emigrate, he's certainly told me often enough how he never wanted a family and how much better his life would be without us. Seems to think it would be all ferraris and hot girlfriends, personally I think it would be more like him back home with his mum watching Corrie :D
I have peeked at the emotional abuse thread before and thought lots of it sounded familiar.
I just am stuck between staying and sticking to the status quo and accepting my fate, but part of me wonders if somebody out there would love me, really love me not just because I am the unpaid maid???

OP posts:
lazarusb · 04/06/2011 15:19

Concentrate on getting free from this man and love yourself. If you meet someone down the line, then fine, but don't make that a priority. Look after your dcs and yourself first and foremost. Smile

tooposh · 04/06/2011 15:30

Yes, there will be someone out there who would love you. Of course there is. But you must realise that you would be better off alone than with someone who treats you like your DH does. Sadly.

Odd question, but is there any chance your DH is gay? I only ask because of the very infrequent sex and most men have more sex drive than that...... Perhaps that explains the bad sex. Maybe he doesn't really want to either.

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