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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to sleep with DH

185 replies

cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 11:29

really need some advice on this. Last time DH and I dtd it was really awful and I felt so totally rejected afterwards. That was 3 weeks ago and I know that it's starting to be expected of me. Had the comments this morning about us needing an early night.
I just don't want to. I don't think I love him anymore, don't fancy him anymore. I can't just do it because it's expected of me, I've done that the last few months and it makes me want to cry :(
I started seeing a counsellor this week who gave me some good advice but we didn't get onto this issue.

OP posts:
hurryup · 09/06/2011 06:19

Omg - as hard as it is, if this is how you feel about OM then maybe you need to let go. It sounds to me if that you're not missing him, but what you could have had with him and those are two very different things. Your relationship with him and sadness / anger about how that has developed seems to be more of a reflection of your feelings about your own marriage. As hard as it is, you need to put OM to one side and sort out your feelings toward your husband and marriage and whether you deserve better. I sounds as if you know that you do or you wouldn't be so sad about what might have been with OM.

Cadmum · 09/06/2011 07:43

I am even more concerned about your latest post than your initial one, omg. It does not sound as though he is a loving, respectful husband. How soul destroying to be in your situation. I hope that something changes...

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 07:53

The only way something will change is if I change it, I know that. Counsellor urged me not to rush into anything but to take time to choose what's best for me. I am strong and I will resolve this somehow but not sure how. I just know I don't want things to stay the same!
hurryup - I'm not sure anymore if I feel so strongly for OM because if I don't then what did I risk my marriage for? But another part of me knows if he wanted me I would go to him :( He's just so cruel, after I sent him the email he replied saying he had to sort things out with me and would reply the next day (which was yesterday - and he didn't). So I spend all day not able to actually get on with living because I don't know what he's going to say :S

DH announced at 6am that he's staying away with work a few days, packed his bag and went. Totally out of character. Something else for me to wonder about.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 09:29

omg - forget the OM. He sounds like another tosser. Really, just write him off - block his numbers, delete his email and everything else. Whatever "game" he's playing is irrelevant - you so don't need another nob.
So ditch him - cos if you go to him, you'll be out of the fryingpan into the fire, I fear.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 09:36

thumbwitch - he is a total total tosser, I know that I just don't seem to be able to get it. If that makes sense? All he does is this gameplaying now and I'm not strong enough to deal with it. I even told him that at one point, he responded that hesnot playing games just doesn't have time for me because I'm not a priority. Nice :(
I've lost a really good friend over all this, she just couldn't cope with me keeping on taking crap from 2 men. I miss her :(
I need to stop feeling guilty and just do something, it's like being in a bubble at the moment and nothing is clear.

OP posts:
buzzsore · 09/06/2011 09:40

Omg, the OM is a complete asshole.

Seriously, block and delete him. What he said to you about the game-playing is just spiteful and meant to undermine your self-esteem. He is not a nice person.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 09:48

I think (tinted by my own experience) that what this "affair" represents to you is escape. If the OM crooked his little finger instead of playing these weird mind games you would run to him, because it is a way out. Of course he isn't really a way out, as you know. But if he did make himself available, he's too much like your H for it to have a happy ending. You may think they're quite different people but believe me, they have a lot in common. Treating you as an object rather than a human being once they've got you reeled in, for starters. What thumbwitch says, or to put it another way, you'd be going from one cage to another.

Gosh, wouldn't it be funny, in a not very amusing way, if your H was off having an affair at this "work meeting"? All this time you've been beating yourself up over betraying him, meanwhile he's dipping his wick and then coming home being all moral and righteous. You'd have a ready-made excuse to dump his sorry arse. And on his way out the door you could say "By the way, I had one too. See ya!"

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 09:50

buzzsore - I'm pretty sure he has NPD, from what I've read on here. I want to be able to delete him, I did for a while then I missed him and contacted him again and he knew at that point I would putup with any crap just to keep in contact. It's pathetic how I can't move on. His emails to me now are so hurtful when he sends them but there's always just a glimmer of what he could offer me if only I did the right thing, only there's no way of knowing what the right thing is. He's consumed my head entirely, he knew I was vulnerable, knew I needed a friend and he's destroyed every bit of my self-esteem that my DH hadn't managed to.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 09:54

And Annie, I agree they are similar. Just OM is much hotter. I know I'm never going to get the happy ending from this. OM is never going to say he's sorry. But I just keep thinking what are the chances of getting 2 men like this? Maybe it's me? Maybe I'm just so crap at keeping men happy or being a good wife?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 09:55

There is no right thing that you can do, except to run away, very fast, because he not only can't give you what you want, he wouldn't if he could. He'll keep moving the goalposts. What he gets off on is you being needy. If he gave you what you wanted you'd be content, then his fun would be over. Nice people like you can't understand what goes on in nasty heads like his. You keep projecting decent, normal thoughts and reflexes onto him which just don't fit, because he is neither decent nor normal. He likes your head being messed.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 10:02

Don't worry right now whether you're crap or not (I bet you're not, but you won't believe me, not yet). You do have enough sense left, despite what they've done to you, to know that both of these men are crap. Once you're out of the mind-games you can get introspective and start wondering why it is that you pick 'em, but for now, just get the buggers away from you and pick up the pieces of your sanity. If you're such a terrible wife and friend, do them a favour, let them go! Wait - they don't want to go. They want to hang around so that they can keep telling you you're not good enough. A nice man might be unhappy if you were really so crap, but he wouldn't keep making you feel bad as punishment. Nice men don't do that.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 10:03

I think you're right, I just don't understand why people are like this. Yes he had a totally messed up childhood but so did I and I don't treat people like this. I have a busy life (most of the time!) but I can always spare a few minutes to text/phone a friend. That's who I am and I assume everyone else is the same.
Last week I told him to leave me alone that he was messing with my head. He came back with this stuff about how I didn't understand and he was so stressed and confused but couldn't talk to me about it because he didn't view me as a close friend. Seriously!WTF!!! Until a few months ago we had spoken for almost a year every single day, sometimes up to 10 times a day and I'm not a close friend??? I know every single one of his secrets (allegedly!) all the stuff he's never admitted to anyone else and I'm nothing?

OP posts:
buzzsore · 09/06/2011 10:15

No you're not nothing - but you are letting yourself be his plaything. He's got you hooked on the adrenalin and drama. You may be right about the NPD, it's not something I know about, but you can extricate yourself from this. You have to stop giving him headspace. You have to stop contacting him.

tadpoles · 09/06/2011 11:15

Gosh - this sounds quite dire, even by MN relationships threads standards. If the 'OM' is cruel - stop contacting him. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable, he is not acting like a friend - anything but. Do not put up with hurtful emails - why? There are lots of nice people around, why chase after one who is horrible to you? Take control - tell him what you think and make him squirm with shame. You are vulnerable and he is exploiting this - shitty behaviour which speaks volumes about the type of person he is.

As for your partner, I think you need to plan an exit strategy, which I imagine is where the counsellor will be going with you. In the first instance, I would stop having any sexual relationship with him at all. You don't want it, he makes you feel like shit, so don't go there. If there is no emotional connnection - you do not have a 'duty' in this respect - far from it. From reading these threads you can see there are loads of people in marriages or long term relationships not having sex, for whatever reason.

Your partner must sense how you feel, in any case, so by continuing to put pressure on you to have sex, when you don't want it, he is not only completely disrespecting your feelings but he is also imposing his own sexual agenda onto you against your will. This is not acceptable, whether married or not. Imagine if you were not married - would you have sex with a man you did not like and did not fancy? Can you at least sort out separate sleeping arrangments for the time being? That is completely acceptable given the circumstances. You are being bullied. This is one of the things that really upsets me about (some) men and marriage. They think they can treat their wives like crap, and still are entitled to a shag! Urggg! Sorry - stick with the counselling!

tadpoles · 09/06/2011 11:22

I hear what you are saying about the single parent thing and all that - but you are projecting too much ahead. Right now, you do not want sex, with HB so don't have it. First step to regaining some self-esteem and your right to your own body. Take it one step at a time. No decent man would want to have sex with a woman who really doesn't want it. NOOOO!!!

TheOriginalFAB · 09/06/2011 11:30

Goodness OP a lot of what you have written, I could have written. I had to go cold turkey with an ex I wasn't over as I was only hurting myself. I still have times where we are back where we were but each time I get further on but it is hard. I am very very lucky that my husband didn't leave me as he was well within his rights too.

If you don't want to be with your husband then make plans to leave the marriage. Forget about the other man for now and have some time on your own to see who you are.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 11:34

buzzsore - adrenalin and drama definately. When there's an email I almost have a panic attack, pounding heart the lot. I've never known an obsession like it - it's totally humiliating. The counsellor said she can get me to a place where I can just press delete and not look at them and not care but I'm so far from that now.
tadpoles - I wish I knew how to shame him. I would do anything for him to feel remorse for what he has done. I actually contemplated suicide the other night when he sent me an email. I feel so dirty and used but can't stop letting him do that. It's pathetic. Keep telling myself that at least I'm not the one married to him although maybe he's nice to his wife?
Exit strategy is what we are working on. There is so much resentment from my side that I can't see a way of making it right. But I need to plan and decide and when the time comes then I can go and make a good life. I am due to start college in Sept, there's a whole world out there I just need to sort my head out so I can enjoy it!

OP posts:
Hullygully · 09/06/2011 11:36

Can I just make one thing very clear?

THEY ARE BOTH CUNTS.

I really really hope that with your counsellor you manage to find a way through in time

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 11:37

Theoriginalfab - do you still have contact with your ex? Did you have an EA then? You don't have to answer, just wondered!

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 11:38

Hullygully - thank you. I need to remember that when I next feel sad. :)

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 09/06/2011 11:39

No and yes.

Hullygully · 09/06/2011 11:39

Yes you do

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 12:11

Theoriginalfab - thanks for telling me. So glad you worked it all out with your DH :)
Hullygully - really need that to pop up next time I send him an email.

Working really hard at the moment not to send him an email. This is the pattern and has been for months ... he'll say I'll reply on x day or time and doesn't, I thenget upset and send him a half jokey msg saying "hey did you forget something?" he then sends one straight back saying how I'm hassling him but will then reply and sometimes it's nice, well up till 2 months ago it was always nice, since then it's not usually. So I know that he's sitting there waiting for me to "prompt" him and it's so difficult not to. I managed once for a week and he told me how hurt he was that I had ignored him. It's all a huge game to him. I need to stop playing :(

OP posts:
buzzsore · 09/06/2011 12:27

Post here when you feel the urge and I'm sure one of us will reply to say 'don't do it!" Grin

Don't do it!

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 12:35

If you feel you must send one, allow us to supply some wording which you are to cut and paste as is (no top-and-tailing mind). Here's one you might consider:

"Dear Cunt

Thank you for your message, stating you feel hurt and ignored. Life's a bitch, ain't it? And so am I.

Yours very sincerely

OMG"

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