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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to sleep with DH

185 replies

cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 11:29

really need some advice on this. Last time DH and I dtd it was really awful and I felt so totally rejected afterwards. That was 3 weeks ago and I know that it's starting to be expected of me. Had the comments this morning about us needing an early night.
I just don't want to. I don't think I love him anymore, don't fancy him anymore. I can't just do it because it's expected of me, I've done that the last few months and it makes me want to cry :(
I started seeing a counsellor this week who gave me some good advice but we didn't get onto this issue.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 12:38

ps Don't do it.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 12:39

Thank you. I have smiled so much reading these posts. So nice that nobody has said I am being pathetic or silly. I like that email a lot. If he was single I would be putting a few of his photos on FB and tagging him into them ... just so his friends knew what he was really like. But he's not and I deleted them all last month with all his dirty emails, so I wasn't tempted to do something mean because I didn't think he deserved that!

OP posts:
buzzsore · 09/06/2011 12:50

Oh he deserves it and much more Grin, can't you see how mean he's been to you? But you were wise not to - he'd feed off it. I don't think there's a way to hurt this man other than to leave him flat & no longer give him your mental energy.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 14:56

Unfuckingbelievable! Just had a text from a friend who has decided she doesn't feel "comfortable" with knowing I am going to counselling without my DH knowing. She knows DH didn't want me to go but now thinks I should tell him. So now I have to tell him and have him have a go about me and he'll tell me to stop!!!

OP posts:
buzzsore · 09/06/2011 15:00

Has she threatened to tell if you don't? Shock

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 15:09

Yep. She's told her husband and they both think I'm in the wrong. I'm so cross. She was the one who thought I should go!!!
Don't have a choice, I'll have to tell but this is not going to help things!

OP posts:
buzzsore · 09/06/2011 15:13

With friends like that, you don't need enemies. Sad

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 15:15

She doesn't know about OM thankfully otherwise I reckon shed really hang me out to dry! I am really cross tbh, would never do that to someone.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 15:16

FFS. Stupid woman - who is she to tell you what to do?? It's not like you're having an affair with the counsellor! Just as well though or she'd be telling your H that too.

Some people have no clue what true friendship is all about. Sanctimonious fools.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 15:19

Really gutted about this. My life is so difficult right now. Thing is she has a fab marriage, fab husband and really doesn't get it. Thankfullyhave spent this afternoon with a divorced friend who knows what a twunt my DH is and told me lots of financial stuff so I feel ok about that angle.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 15:22

Well that's a shame, you've lost a friend now, when you're about to lose a husband (aren't you?) and a pathetic excuse for an ex-lover. That's an unforgiveable breach of confidentiality.

Spring clean your life and get all these parasites out of it, that's what I say.

thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 15:33

I wouldn't tell him, if I were you. I wouldn't say anything about it to them either - lie to them if you have to, since they're so untrustworthy in themselves - see if they have the brass neck to tell your H. Which just shows them up to be sanctimonious lickarses (I'm keen on the s word, can you tell? Wink).

And even if your H tells you to stop going, tell him to shove it. I know it's not that easy, but you need the practice! Might as well start with something that's pretty important but not vital to you...

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 15:48

I strongly disapprove of untruthfulness, but in this case I totally agree with thumbwitch. This isn't a confession you need to make. I suppose you could ask what they think they are doing, suggesting counselling and then making it impossible for you to go... but I don't suppose that'll get anyone anywhere.

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 15:55

I agree with thumbwitch too.

TheOriginalFAB · 09/06/2011 16:18

When I was moaning to a friend about how my ex was hurting me she said "because you are letting him." Was a real shock to me as I knew she was right.

Ignore your friend as she is now an ex friend and if she tells your dh you don't have to say anything to him.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 16:23

Right well if she thinks he should know then I know she will tell him if I don't. So I will tell him but I'm damn well not going to stop going. He can't actually stop me physically. I can't see a way to rescue the friendship, she is obviously on his side so she can be his friend. Fed up of people treating me like crap.
No email from OM today so that has been tough but haven't sent him one so that's good.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 09/06/2011 16:27

I think you don't need to tell him. You are allowed your own decisions, you don't lose that when you marry.

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 16:29

Well done on not emailing him.

And you sound a bit more feisty, good stuff, tell 'em what's what. Grin

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 17:01

Fairly sure the feistiness won't last tho!!!
The test will be in the middle if the night tonight when DH isn't here ... that's when I'll want to send OM an email really badly. If I can just get past that I will be ok!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 17:16

Attagirl. It's like alcoholism, this. One step at a time, one milestone at a time. First you manage not to drink, er, I mean email, for an evening... then you manage a whole 24 hours... you don't dare say you'll never do it again, but just today, you won't mail him. Distract yourself, keep your hands busy during times of most temptation. You can do this.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 17:24

Annie - can I drink instead of emailing ... actually that's a bad idea I guess - drunken emails saying "but I misssssss you and I lurrrrrve you" would be even worse!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 09/06/2011 17:40

And lose the sanctimonious "friend" too. She's no friend of yours.

Gotitwrong · 09/06/2011 18:13

Have read this thread with interest and glad to see a lot of familiar posters! I am in a very similar position to you and can so empathasize with your relationship with your H. Only wish I only got pestered for sex every couple of weeks........my H used to try every day or so..... Completely soul destroying and head f***g!
He only tries every so often now and he is so uterlly at the end of his tether with me know as despite numerous attempts we have not had sex for months.
I just do not feel that way about him anymore. His emotional, sexual and physical abuse over the last few years has taken it's toll and I now no longer love him. He thinks the problem is all in my head and that I need help. He denies everything - I am the one who has hurt him - I am the one who has neglected him.......I have made some threads about my history so won't relay it here and now as this is not about me it's about you!
Just wanted to say stay strong, you must keep with the councelling. My H still hassles me about seeing my so called "lesbian man hating" councellor but she and all the lovely ladies on MN are giving me strength and I send u a big hug of solidalatory! X

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 18:20

Thanks Gotitwrong. Feel free to share your story, I need all the help I can get. Question for you - do you still want sex just not with your DH? Or have you gone off it altogether. Most of the time I am really interested in it - just not with my DH :(
Wonder if my DH will think my counsellor is a lesbian :D He already has accused me of having a lesbian affair with one of my friends!!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/06/2011 19:12

really, really stupid and ignorant men, when they can think of nothing else to say, start making accusations of "you man-hating lezzer"

textbook saddo

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