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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want to sleep with DH

185 replies

cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 11:29

really need some advice on this. Last time DH and I dtd it was really awful and I felt so totally rejected afterwards. That was 3 weeks ago and I know that it's starting to be expected of me. Had the comments this morning about us needing an early night.
I just don't want to. I don't think I love him anymore, don't fancy him anymore. I can't just do it because it's expected of me, I've done that the last few months and it makes me want to cry :(
I started seeing a counsellor this week who gave me some good advice but we didn't get onto this issue.

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Gotitwrong · 09/06/2011 19:18

Oh no defo not gone off sex! Only ever slept with H as been together since aged 16 and I am now 45!!! I would never have an affair but am very aware of my lustful feelings Iykwim...... H says I am frigid, a lesbian, or must be getting it elsewhere constantly!

To be honest I have been so low and depressed and on a downer about myself for so long that I had lost touch with my sexual side but it is now making itself known again :-)
Trouble is that despite my H being a physically very attractive man I no longer find him emotionally attractive. I cannot bear him to touch me although I long for cuddles and affection. I long to feel hands on my skin , to be kissed, to feel loved and appreciated and wanted for me. For who I am and not just for sexual relief. Trouble is I wonder how long it will be before someone makes me falter. I do not want an affair. But I do want love and sex just not with the man I have spent the last nearly 30 years with!

quietlygoingbonkers · 09/06/2011 19:18

Stop stop stop.... You desperately need someone to tell you the truth that you are a beautiful sexy woman in her prime any man (except him) would give their eye teeth to make love to. He needs an intensive course at Man School where he will shape up and see what he is. I'm not sure you can teach sensitivity or come to, to that to truly appreciate the gem he has under his nose and obviously fails to appreciate. His loss.

Omigawd · 09/06/2011 19:31

This thread should be a soap opera plot :)

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 20:02

Omigawd - wish it was instead of my life! Actually some rom-com chick flick would be better. Then any day now Mr Perfect (who is not a twat in any way) could turn up and show me a good time!!!
Sadly the only time I will be seeing is an evening spent in front of the tv with a big bar of chocolate and staying away from my emails!

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Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 09/06/2011 20:04

Gotitwrong - don't do the affair thing. Really ... it's awful, even the online emotional type. Messes your head up even more :( My life would be much simpler without OM in the picture.

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Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/06/2011 07:45

Shockingly awful night. My head hurts from trying to figure out what to do. Not helped by DH sending several loveydovey texts :S Most unlike him, obviously a new tactic he's trying.
Amazingly I managed not to email OM, nothing from him either. I am so sad about the way that has turned out but so so so cross too. Spent a long time staring into mirror trying to work out if I am as unattractive as both men seem to think :(

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strawberry17 · 10/06/2011 07:56

OMG not even a tiny bit as unattractive as your husband and OM are!!! Been following your thread and quietlygoingbonkers above me is right, you are so unappreciated by these awful men!! stay strong and definately do not give up the counselling.

Anniegetyourgun · 10/06/2011 08:45

I suppose somebody (like your sanctimonious now-ex friend - a very good word!) would say what's wrong with you, you've been wanting him to send you loving texts for years, now he's doing it you're not happy about it! The answer to which, of course, is that in the context of the rest of your relationship, which you, not they, have been living for far too long, it stands out clearly as a tactic. You know damned well, from experience, that fairly soon he's going to decide he's done enough relationship maintenance and things will sink back to "same old, same old". It actually took me a lot more years than it's taken you to realise that they only shape up when they can see we're at the end of our tether and ready to do something drastic, but that it won't last, because we can't spend the rest of our lives in an end-of-tether state and they sure as hell can't pretend to give a shit for longer than strictly necessary. Something's got to give, and it's usually the victim's resolution. Not this time, though. The eyes are open. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me; fool me on a daily basis for 25 years, wtf??? No more Mrs Idiot!

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/06/2011 09:13

strawberry17 - thank you. It's just hard but karma I guess. A few months ago I had OM showering me with compliments, hurts more tho when they suddenly decide they didn't mean those things after all. Have to wonder did I suddenly get unattractive or was I always that way and it was another lie.
Annie - yes that's it exactly! All I could think was nice try!!! A year ago it would have worked, but he knows I'm out tonight with a friend and he doesn't want me to go so the guilt trip will start. Any time now I'll get the text that says ... if you stayed in tonight we could get a takeaway and watch a film you want :)

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Anniegetyourgun · 10/06/2011 09:22

And what, pray, is stopping him offering you a takeaway and film tomorrow night, just because it would be nice? No, because he won't need to offer you treats to keep you home tomorrow. Transparent or what?

If, of course, he does lay in a good dvd and a bottle of nice wine tomorrow evening, either do the cooking himself or order in, and not try to ravish you afterwards, I shall begin to think better of him. At least of his strategy if not his good intentions.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/06/2011 11:04

Yes we shall see. There have been times in the last few years where he has been nice for up to a month. Happy times :)
Need to kill a few hours now with some housework or something to take my mind off the fact that twunt promised me an important email on Wednesday FFS. I just want to know what he was going to say ... although maybe he didn't have anything to say and it was all part of the game??? Why don't these men come with an instructionmanual? I wish I knew what buttons to press to make him feel remorse.

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Anniegetyourgun · 10/06/2011 11:09

If twunt had anything to say on Wednesday he would have said it. His remorse button is broken.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/06/2011 11:17

Wish I could get this ridiculous notion out of my head that I can fix it/him. It's insane I know :( he seemed so nice, so normal in the beginning. He was my friend. I never would have let things get all hot and heavy without me feeling like he was the one person in my life I could trust. I remember saying to him how scared I was to trust him, that it had been 5 years since I had cared about anyone enough to let them past the barriers. He promised he would never hurt me and then a week later he started playing stupid mindgames with me. I just want to know why he did that but I know I'll never know. I did nothing to hurt him not now or when we used to know each other. I did nothing to deserve this. Need to keep telling myself that!

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thumbwitch · 10/06/2011 23:45

omg, they don't understand remorse. They are the boys who pulled wings off flies and then set fire to them with firelighters to watch them burn.

you are that fly now. :(

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 10/06/2011 23:56

Had a lovely evening with a good friend who knows what has been going on but she was shocked when I let her read OMs last email. She couldnt believe the nastiness in it. Up till now she hasn't "got" why I've been upset by him but she could see how it tapped into all my insecurities. Feel a bit more positive about it all, she pointed out how he is probably totallythrown by the fact I'm not begging for more contact so it's good to know that actually I have control for once!!!
I don't want to be that fly :(

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thumbwitch · 11/06/2011 00:01

You don't have to be that fly, omg.
You can choose to be free and escape. :)

Be warned though - if OM thinks you, his pet fly, are trying to escape his net, he will up the ante. he will alternate lovely emails with vicious nasty ones; keep you on the hop, keep you interested.

Stay aloof, delete his emails, unopened if you can manage it (although I know that would be like throwing away a full box of chocolates for me, so probably not!) but if you DO read them just accept they are the product of a disordered mind and they are IRRELEVANT to you. He's talking to his pet fly, not you. You are free.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/06/2011 08:25

Not sure if I've done the right thing but had to take some action. I am becoming physically ill from all this.
So have told DH about counselling. He was shocked and a bit upset. Remained firm and said I would be going as I needed to do it for me and our marriage. Got a cup of tea in bed this am and he's gone to Tesco to get food shop!!!
Told friend I have told him in a very nice friendly way. I can't fall out with her as our family is close with hers. However lesson learnt, never to trust her again.
Sent OM email detailing exactly what an arse he is. How I wish id never got involved with him and wish him the best for his controlling twunty future. Then deleted that email account, then defriended him on FB. As he lives on the other side of the world I can't see him flying over to speak to me. He does know my phone number but he was too tight to call me before so can't imagine he will now.
Right onward and upward, who else needs their arse kicking now - I'm in that kind of mood :)

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thumbwitch · 11/06/2011 08:54

You go omg! That's great. Well done on scoring the cuppa in bed and H doing the shopping too - this assertive stuff is working well for you! Keep it up :)

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/06/2011 08:58

It's thanks to all the lovely ladies on here tbh. None of you know me in RL but took the time to say I'm worth more. I can't live like this, it has to change. And I need to be the one to stop letting things happen and start living.
No idea when this assertiveness will run out but it feels good :)

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Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2011 09:06

That's brilliant, OMG! I dare say there will be some times in the stilly watches of the night when you'll have wobbles, but far more often than that you'll know it's right and the wobbles will gradually subside. You do have to put your health first and you do deserve a whole lot more in your life than this.

Glad at least one of your friends is properly supportive.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/06/2011 09:18

Annie - my friend last night is an absolute gem :) The look on her face when she read his last email was the final clincher. She said she wouldn't send anything that hurtful to somebody she hated. Kind of sums it up. I had become something he'd kick when he was down and I put up with that because it's status quo for me. We discussed revenge but really there is nothing I could do that wouldn't end up hurting his wife and let's face it she has enough punishment living with him as I can't believe he just was like this to me.

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Anniegetyourgun · 11/06/2011 09:29

Annoyingly, you can't hurt him the way he's hurt you because he just isn't that sensitive. He will be quite miffed at you cutting off contact and meaning it, as it may take him ages to set up another victim, but that's really the most you can hope for. Living your life well, and forgetting all about him other than a crazy interlude that happened when you weren't quite yourself, is not precisely revenge as it won't ever get back to him, but at least you'll know and can feel rather smug (when you bother to think about him at all - that day will come, believe it or not).

It's cathartic to spend an evening plotting hideous revenges that you would like to do if you weren't such a nice person, though.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/06/2011 09:35

Yes that was the problem. The only real option was to totally humiliate him and I did have the means to do so but then his wife would have to know and I can't do that! Although my friend did say if he has treated his wife this way for 15 years she might have needed to know what he was like. Nonetheless they may be happy and I can't ruin her life. But oh the temptation was so strong. He has this reputation of being a fantastic bloke, husband, dad, friend etc and I could have ruined that. But will be the better person here, hopefully karma will get him eventually (and we have friend connections that mean I will find out if it does!)

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thumbwitch · 11/06/2011 09:53

omg, I would imagine his poor wife knows EXACTLY what he is like - many EA men have an outward appearance of being fantastic husband, father, bloke etc - it's all part of the strategy to make sure that the wife is completely isolated and no one believes that her H could possibly be abusive.

But yes, you'll only cause her more pain - it's not worth it. Be the better person - step away from it completely.

BibiBlocksberg · 11/06/2011 10:07

Just read this entire thread and wanted to give you a big cheer for getting rid of the OM. Like to be a fly on the wall when he reads the last e-mail you sent him :)

One down one to go now. Cheering you on to continue to build a happier future for yourself, you deserve it!

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