Hi there
Only just read this thread but wanted to say I know how you feel re sex with your DH. My husband and I have had problems in this dept for years. I can't bear him to touch me and I hate getting into bed with him. He has a high sex drive but at the same time lacks confidence - an awful combination.
Things tailed off after we had dd no.2 (now 9). We moved house to somewhere we knew no-one. I was at home with little ones and no friends. He was having a hard time at work and gave me no support. I spent the whole time running around trying to make him happy (frantically tidying house before he got home, cooking lovely food etc), but he was grumpy and critical. Also I had some physical issues after dd2 which led to an op (posterior repair) a few years ago.
The physical issues weren't the main problem though, it was his lack of communication, passive-aggressive behaviour etc). To give you an example, he would become silent and uncommunicative, I would beg him again and again to tell me what I had done wrong, and maybe four days later, he would tell me. Often something trivial.
For a long time I didn't feel like having sex with him, he didn't make me feel loved and wanted. I had to initiate it, always, which was bad for morale.
He completely stopped making an effort sexually, never kissed me, couldn't do it face to face, only in spoons position. I hated it, really perfunctory, very mechanical you have an orgasm (with vibrator) then I will pump away for a couple of minutes and have one too.
Contraception is condoms, which he hates.
We have also had terrible problems because I became emotionally involved with another man. Not a classic EA because nothing was ever said. It's a long and complicated story. I am still in love with this man.
I have tried and tried to make a go of my marriage but I can't get over the sex thing. I often drink too much/stay up late and only crawl upstairs when I know he is asleep. I can't leave him because I have no financial independence and am doing a university course that is very demanding (something I took up to try to raise my self esteem). Over the last two or three years attempts at sex have been disastrous. I always have to initiate it. One time about a year ago I tried to get it going but he said as he was about to jump into bed with me (during the daytime) that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to manage it because he'd 'already had three wanks' that day. He may as well have poured a bucket of cold water on me. He's very open about masturbating a lot, and I hate it. I don't have any hangups about it and accept that all men do it, but I don't want to hear about it.
He couldn't manage it that time. And when I tried the other night - lots of kissing etc, he put a condom on and then couldn't penetrate me face to face because he lost his erection. Cue him lying next to me, horrible rubbery noises as he tried to rub the erection back. I put my pjs on and curled up to go to sleep, reassured him it was OK etc. After a few minutes, he said actually, he was OK now, pulled down my pj bottoms and, in the dark, put it in from behind, grunted away for a couple of minutes and then came noisily. It was terrible and I was almost crying by the end. To say the mood had gone for me would be an understatement.
I didn't let him know I was upset but a few days later I was quiet and he asked what was wrong. I didn't want to say - talking about sex problems only seems to make it more impossible - but he persisted and I told him. It turned into a horrible row.
I am only 40 and I know I'm attractive and I really look after myself and try and look good. I feel desperately sexually frustrated. I can't imagine sex with dh ever being fun again. I'd love to have an open marriage but he won't hear of it. I live in a gossipy small town and dh isn't very sociable, so we have a limited circle of friends. Little opportunity to meet anyone. I hate my life. Our dds are wonderful but I feel I am shrivelling up, ageing in this awful situation. Last night I had an amazing dream where I was having sex with a guy on my course (someone I don't really think I fancied that much), then I woke up. I feel I am dying inside but have to continue in this half a life :-(