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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Don't want to sleep with DH

185 replies

cathkidstonbag · 03/06/2011 11:29

really need some advice on this. Last time DH and I dtd it was really awful and I felt so totally rejected afterwards. That was 3 weeks ago and I know that it's starting to be expected of me. Had the comments this morning about us needing an early night.
I just don't want to. I don't think I love him anymore, don't fancy him anymore. I can't just do it because it's expected of me, I've done that the last few months and it makes me want to cry :(
I started seeing a counsellor this week who gave me some good advice but we didn't get onto this issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 15:36

Yes I think I see I would be better off alone but it has been so long since I got any affection. It only took the OM telling me of a few ways he would show me affection for me to realise I have been somewhat shortchanged!!! Of course he turned out to be a lying twat too (seeing a pattern here!) but it did make me think life could be nicer. I'd sell a kidney to have someone tell me I'm pretty or hold my hand just because they want to be near to me - well not literally of course!!!
No don't think he's gay. Think he's just not that fussed about sex.

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TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 04/06/2011 15:40

OP - you only have one life. Do you really want to waste any more precious time like this? I am only saying this because I have had two really serious illnesses in my life and they have taught me to make the most of any tiny good moments that I get. Please think about the fact that you deserve to have a good life for yourself. Your kids will grow up and leave home one day, but you can't wait for that. You deserve a good life now!

hurryup · 04/06/2011 16:41

Staying in a marriage that has failed is incredibly draining and it becomes very difficult to see how you'd cope alone. In my case, once I was on my own with the children I felt such a sense of relief that I had renewed energy and enthusiasm for life which helped me cope. Of course I still have incredibly bad days but the bad days are different and not as bad as us still being together because the future was looking grim, especially when the children left home. Now bad days are because I know I'm struggling to get a better future. I'm only a couple of months ahead of you, if you want to message me that's ok with me. Just be strong and maybe consider some counselling.

strawberryjelly · 04/06/2011 17:28

everyone lies a compliment but you need to like and love yourself first- or no one else will.

I get the feeling you have low self esteem and don't rate yourself.
Are you a bit coy about sex too? took me ages to work out what DTD was- why not just say "sex"?

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 17:54

Rock bottom low self esteem in fact!
No not coy about sex at all, sorry to use DTD it's a phrase I tend to use with RL friends when we think small ears might be listening so I've got into the habit of using it :)
Thank you hurryup. It's good to hear from someone who has done it doesn't seem quite so scary then. The thought of the DCs leaving home or god forbid him retiring and being home all day .... !!!!

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Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 17:56

Oh and I've started counselling - it's good. I needed it but think there's a lot of work to do. Spent most of my first hour crying but felt much better after.

OP posts:

mrsmillsfanclub · 04/06/2011 18:08

You really must continue counselling, once you have truly learned to like yourself I think you will realise how wrongly you are being treated.
Work on making yourself feel better first, then tackle what you are going to do with your life when you are ready.
All the best to you.

hurryup · 04/06/2011 18:18

OMG - and what if one of you became seriously ill and had to become a carer for the other? How would you feel then? It is scary doing it, actually more so as time goes on sometimes, as I nowrealise that I've done the right thing so there's no going back but that's easier than living in a loveless marriage.

smearedinfood · 04/06/2011 20:33

How do you think the Dc's see the marriage?

Lizzabadger · 04/06/2011 20:35

He sounds abusive and you clearly don't want to be with him. Don't stay for the children's sake. You won't be doing them any favours.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 04/06/2011 20:54

Hurryup - he wouldn't care for me!!! I had an op last year and needed 2 weeks to recuperate, he promised he would take time off/work from home that time ... he stayed home for 1 day! I had to haul myself out of bed to do the school run then go back to bed for the day with my 2 year old so I could rest to be able to do school pick up. I still resent him for that :(
My DC tend to stick up for me these days - they tell him off for shouting at me etc. Not sure if that's a good thing tho :S

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hurryup · 04/06/2011 21:08

It's not a good thing if they're standing up for you. If the reason you're staying is because of the children that one line has blown that reason out of the water!! Children shouldn't need to stand up for their parents, seeing my children stand up for me to their father made me realise I had to do something.

wildspinning · 04/06/2011 21:55

First practical thing to do is to go to the Citizens Advice Bureau and ask for info about housing, benefits etc if you were to leave him. At my local CAB you can get a free interview with a family lawyer for initial legal advice. Hopefully this will help you feel a little less scared on the practical front.

It would be a massive thing to initiate a divorce but one day it will all be over and you will be free.

He's a horrible bully and you and your kids will be so much better off without him.

Big hugs and best of luck.

smearedinfood · 04/06/2011 22:27

secondwildspinning - you need to know the practicalities of it all as you are blocking yourself from going.

hurryup · 05/06/2011 07:43

How are you feeling today omg?

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 05/06/2011 09:18

Feeling bit low tbh. We have a nice family day out planned and DH seems in quite a chirpy mood so am hopeful the day will be ok. Just I know these nice days never last.
Sat up on my own last night watching a film, DH was asleep when I got to bed which was a result!
I need to make a plan, but I want to do a few more weeks counselling first, try and build myself up a bit.

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newyorkdoll · 05/06/2011 09:28

How just being really direct?

You want affection. He wants sex. That seems like a compatible place to start, of you just tell him that one doesn't happen without the other.

Alternatively, just let him loose. If he wants to have sex and can't he has every right to go and find someone else- he's not a prisoner. Maybe tell him to go and do what he wants to do, use a condom, and take an STD test when he's got it out of his system?

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 05/06/2011 09:48

newyorkdoll - yes I have told him that before. Then I get the false niceness and touchyfeely stuff for a day or so. But the real affection isn't there. He doesn't want sex that much, never has done and when I've told him i would be happy for him to go and do that with someone else he's always been shocked I would take that attitude.
Would be fine with an open marriage but he'd never go for that. This is the man who views me talking to a male checkout assistant at the supermarket as infidelity!!! I'm his, I belong to him and should never need any other man in my life. I am so screwed if he ever finds out about OM although subconsciously i wonder if I wanted him to find out. Wanted him to know that someone else found me attractive.

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newyorkdoll · 05/06/2011 10:04

Well just so you know, I'll be honest and say that it the end, I ended my marriage. Perhaps like you, the trust was in tatters, and affection didn't seem reassuring anymore.

I have to say it has been incredibly painful, BUT, I'm starting to get back to the happy, independent person I used to be, and I think it's been the right thing to do, and to tell you the truth, another relationship is the last thing on my mind.

I do believe couples can get back to a nice honeymoon type of feeling, but only if both parties are into making the effort. If that's not the case it will never work.

Still though, there's other things which can help. Travel is one. Spending a little time apart can change things a bit for the better. But the big one I think is education. Whether it's going back to uni, or doing a night class in yoga or pottery or whatever, that time spent doing something for yourself can be great for your self-esteem, and it stops you thinking so much about what's wring at home.

Good luck xxx

BoscosBox · 05/06/2011 13:04

I hope you enjoy your day out today OMG . It sounds like you have a lot of soul searching to do . Only you can decide if you want to continue to live like this or leave and start afresh .
[hugs]

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 07/06/2011 07:24

Am due to go back to uni in September, lookingforward to that v much. Have also started going out more with friends in the evenings (on my own). Just nice to have a bit of conversation.
It's been ok since the weekend, not bad not good just usual days going past.
Really upset by OM at the moment and his ways of trying to mess my head up. Have sent him a really direct blunt email this morning, don't understand why someone who purportedto be my friend and sympathised with how DH treated me would then screw me over just as badly. Have counselling again today so dreading spending another hour crying :(

OP posts:

hurryup · 08/06/2011 03:46

What has om done?

thumbwitch · 08/06/2011 04:42

omg - you are in a mess, aren't you. :(

Things that stand out:
You have been in a horrible situation for years
Your children recognise that your H is not pleasant to you
you have no financial security
your H is a controlling arse who enjoys belittling you and thinks he owns you
he is a shit father - anyone who says they would emigrate rather than pay for their own children doesn't really give a toss about them, regardless of what he does in between
you need to leave this prick and make something of what's left of your life - rather than wasting your life with him
he doesn't care one iota about you - you are his possession, not his love

You need to leave. You need to talk to people about how you can achieve that. As you have DC under 18, he is obliged to support them until they are 18 - although he says he would leave the country, he might not actually manage it. And anyway, there are ways to survive without his financial input.
In the meantime - stop having sex with him if you don't want to, it's not good for you and if he insists against your will then it's marital rape.

Go to CAB - although I'm not entirely sure how much use they are these days - find one of those solicitors who do a free short session, go with a list of questions so you make the most of the time and see what you can do to get yourself and your DC out of this miserable existence.

darleneoconnor · 08/06/2011 05:42

please contact women's aid, you are being abused and it is affecting the DCs

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 08/06/2011 07:21

Very good counselling session yesterday which has helped a lot. We talked about pathways my life could take and how I need to start reacting differently to the way people press my buttons. She tolde how strong I am without realising it, that's something to think about.
Thankfully DH never is interested in sex during the week so I have a few days grace!!!
hurryup - He just likes to keep pulling the string, sends me these emails telling me all the reasons he can't speak to me anymore :S And all I can think is Well don't bloody send them then. I used to get upset but now anger is slowly taking over. He was my friend for over 18 months, I've shared everything with him and in return he's shattered my confidence and broken my trust. That's kind of the reply I sent him. I'm sick of him being in my head, sick of crying over him.

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