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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 17 years we have called it a day

184 replies

lou33 · 13/11/2005 12:50

My h is moving out tomorrow, we have just told the kids. It was decided when i was in Thailand, and i only got back on friday night.

I guess old timers will remember that we have been having trouble for a while, but we kept trying. We can't try anymore however, so have decided to end it. We havent really shouted at each other, it's all been v civil, and i hope we can carry on being like that.

Has anyone been able to separate and keep it nice?

OP posts:
unicorn · 13/11/2005 12:56

oh lou.. what can I say?

I hope you can be strong,and kind to each other throughout this.

wishing you lots of good vibes in this difficult time.

xx

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 12:56

Anyone?

OP posts:
Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 12:57

Thanks unicorn, it's been a long time coming, but at least we tried.

OP posts:
unicorn · 13/11/2005 12:58

Are you both 'ok' with the decision?

If you are then it will (i imagine) be easier to be civil etc.

But what do I know?

I'm sure someone with more 'experience' will be on soon...
(sunday is a notriously slow day, as you know for MN, don't despair)

sarahinphuket · 13/11/2005 13:00

((((hugs))))

noddyholder · 13/11/2005 13:00

Lou I hope you can keep it civilised for the kids although I know its difficult It must be easier in some ways knowing you gave it your best shot so there will be no what ifs.I have a few friends who have stayed amicable and get on better since splitting and I have noticed their kids are still in good shape emotionally in comparison to those from more acrimonious splits.Did you decide whilst in Thailand?Don't answer if too nosey I hope you are well otherwise xx

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 13:02

We both know it's right, we are both going to great lengths to understand how we got to this point and not place the blame on each other, but to share responsibility. He is coming back in a few weeks for ds1's birthday

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 13/11/2005 13:02

Oh f*ck . I'm so very sorry, Lou. No-one can say that you and DH haven't given this all you've got. I hope things can be resolved as calmly as possible.

I don't want to say the wrong thing here, but it might not stay as peaceful as it has been so far. It could be that the 2 of you are boh in shock a bit and that anger may follow for one or both parties.

Much love to you. You know my numbers, call if you want/need to. xxx

Carmenere · 13/11/2005 13:02

I know people that have managed to be civil through a break up. I think that if neither party feels hard done by you can manage it. Good luck I feel for you.

puff · 13/11/2005 13:02

Lou, I'm sorry to read this .

Don't have any useful advice, but am thinking of you.

expatinscotland · 13/11/2005 13:03

So sorry, lou . Wishing you and your family peace.

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 13:04

Thanks Noddy

Actually i asked him to move out a few weeks before i went away , but he ignored me, so i decided to wait until i came back. While i was out there something occured which meant it ended sooner.

I have to say that Sarahinphuket was wonderful while i was out there.

OP posts:
sansouci · 13/11/2005 13:05

Hello Lou, glad to see you back!

So you went to Thailand after all, inspite of your mixed feelings at the time. I think you made a good decision to go, since you really wanted to. I'm sorry it hasn't worked out with h though. I imagine the trouble was there to begin with & really had not much to do with whether or not you went to Thailand?

As for "keeping it nice", from my own experience things go nasty once you call the solicitors in. I'll probably be shot down for saying it. Try to keep the lines of communication open rather than letting a professional represent you. Money and children are the potential minefields in a split.

So sorry. What happened in Thailand? Where were you? What were you doing and did you enjoy it?

spidermama · 13/11/2005 13:07

My MIL and FIL had fierce fights and rows before they broke up. They're now really good friends and see each other fairly regularly. He has a new wife and she invites MIL to family parties etc.

Good luck Lou. Perhaps this is a new begining for you.

sarahinphuket · 13/11/2005 13:07

lou33 you have been a saviour to me as well, you know that

noddyholder · 13/11/2005 13:07

I rememberyou said he was terribly jealous and mistrusting of you so you can also look on the bright side of this and see your freedom ahead I certainly hope so You are young and gorgeous so life is still an adventure for you

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 13:08

cross posted with you all, sorry

well he has gone through all the emotions, as have i, but we were apart so all we could do was talk, which i think helped a lot

he asked for another chance and it took every bit of strength to say no, because i know now isnt the right time, and now he agrees with me, but it would ahve been so easy to say yes and pretend everything was ok when it wasn't

OP posts:
Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 13:10

We are trying not to use solicitors for now.

Sarah, we helped each other then

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 13/11/2005 13:10

Ow sweetheart, you can both walk away from this with your heads held high, because from the bits I have been party to on here, I do know you have both worked hard at trying not to get to this situation.

You know where I am if you need me.

Lots of love

LGJ

sansouci · 13/11/2005 13:11

Could there be a "right time" in the future??

NomDePlume · 13/11/2005 13:11

There has been so much of that already, you made the right decision.

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 13:12

We are both looking at this as permanent

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 13/11/2005 13:13

Lou

I have a friend who is in the final stages of divorce, she is still going for the absolut, but they have started dating again. He said it took being asked to leave and having to stay away to decide what side his bread was buttered on. So time and distance could clarify things either way in the long term.

NomDePlume · 13/11/2005 13:13

Keeping solicitors out is a good idea, but don't do it at the expense of being properly provided for, IYSWIM.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 13/11/2005 13:15

Sorry cross posted.