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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 17 years we have called it a day

184 replies

lou33 · 13/11/2005 12:50

My h is moving out tomorrow, we have just told the kids. It was decided when i was in Thailand, and i only got back on friday night.

I guess old timers will remember that we have been having trouble for a while, but we kept trying. We can't try anymore however, so have decided to end it. We havent really shouted at each other, it's all been v civil, and i hope we can carry on being like that.

Has anyone been able to separate and keep it nice?

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 14/11/2005 09:38

Very sorry to hear this Lou

My parents split up when I was 10 and have remained best of friends. They didn't involve solicitors and it never got acrimonious, due mainly I believe to my mother bending over backwards to prevent it and not following her instinct which was to go off back to Australia with us. My father moved out with his girlfriend and we stayed in the house, he came round virtually every evening and put us to bed etc though.

My mother eventually got together with a good friend of theirs whose wife had died, he and my father became the very best of friends to the extent where he moved in with them for 6 months while he did a house up about 10 years ago. When my stepfather became infirm (he was 20 yrs older than my mum), they moved to live next door to my father so that he could be there to help my mother cope etc.

I think it takes a lot of unselfish courage to make it work but it is doable. I really hope you manage it.

winnie · 14/11/2005 09:41

lou I am sorry that this has happened. No advice as I am going through it myself at the moment, but best wishes

sobernow · 14/11/2005 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pruni · 14/11/2005 09:47

Message withdrawn

littlemissbossy · 14/11/2005 10:07

Sorry to hear this lou x

eefs · 14/11/2005 10:17

Sorry to hear this Lou.
I am going through the same thing at the moment. We are both trying our hardest to keep it amicable for the children's sake. There was no external reason thankfully which helps keep things on an even keel. Even though the final decision was mine I am having days where I seem overwhelmed by sadness and anger and others where I seem to calmly accept the changes in our lives. There's a lot of relief though that I can start to build my own life again, I've felt like I was in limbo for a long time. Telling family and friends was hard and we haven't properly told the kids yet (DS1 is 5)

Will your H be living close by? Have you told extended family and friends?

crunchie · 14/11/2005 10:27

Sorry to hear this lou, particularly as you are one of the MN that I have met in RL. I have read previous threads and been unable to add anything constructive so I havem't posted.

Take care xxxx

And take care of those lovely scrummy kids of yours xxxxx

Original poster
lou33 · 14/11/2005 10:38

Thank you everyone

Today and yesterday have been v calm, but so sad. The kids keep asking us to try again, and it would be so easy to say yes, but i know a few weeks down the line we would be breaking the news to them again, so we are doing the right thing.

He won't be local at all, he is going to n cornwall and i am in surrey, but we have a few visits already planned over the next 4 weeks, where he can come and see the kids, and he will most probably be abut for part of xmas, which coincides with dd2's birthday.

The kids didnt go to school today, i think they would be too upset, but i had to do the rounds of caling and explaining which was hard.

H is trying to hold it together but keeps breaking down when the kids are not about. We had a quick drink last night in the local, where he has told a few people, so now it has spread and i seem to ahve been tarred and feathered, as noone will speak to me! I don't care as i have more important things to worry about, but it irks me that despite my h saying this was 90% his fault, they still blame me. Still the pub is not exactly the most important thing in my life, nor the people in it.

He is out doing last minute things to make it a bit easier for me this week, atm, but will be gone in a few hours. He is trying to wait because ds1 has got toothache and we need an emergency appt, and he can drive him there for me.

I know it is early, it has only been a week since we decided, but we have managed to be kind to each other so far, i hope it can continue

OP posts:
Marina · 14/11/2005 10:48

lou, when I saw the 17 years, I so hoped this wasn't you and h. As NN says, people who work as hard as you have to keep a marriage going are totally admirable - it can be so fraught and horrible at times.
Wishing you the best of luck with the driving lessons and if anyone can keep things civil with your h then it is you, wisest of Mners. He may not feel it at the mo but he is still luckier than he knows.
People in pubs always blame the woman in this sort of situation - it's a tacit admission that generally speaking women are more competent and forgiving in relationships as in so many other walks of life.

nooka · 14/11/2005 12:01

Hi Lou, my dh and I are six weeks down a seperation which I still hope will be temporary, but may well turn out to be permament. We have found that we are getting on much better when we don't live together, and it seems to be working well. But it took a lot of talking to work out arrangements that we were happy with (or could cope with, anyway). We have a shared care arrangement, and dh has only moved 10mins away. As others have said it's childcare and finances that cause the most grief, if you can work those out you will probably be OK. I think that whilst it is important to know what you are legally entitled to, it is best to avoid solicitors until you have sorted out a deal together and want it formalised. There are mediation people who can help with this talking if that is useful. Oh, and our children are completely happy with the arrangement - in fact I caught them boasting to friends that they have "two houses"! At six and five they are much less inclined to introspection - I think that so long as you aren't showing obvious signs of stress they will be inclined to accept any new arrangements as being jus how things are.

Blu · 14/11/2005 12:38

Lou, it sounds like a sad but brave decision, and i hope that you do manage to look after each other by staying friends - the intention is the best starting point, anyway, and your need to focus on the kids will hopefully help.
I know lots pf people who have maintained excellent relationships with exes - even to the point of going on a 'family holiday' each year!

Look after yourself.

Tinker · 14/11/2005 12:44

Sorry to read this Lou

JoolsToo · 14/11/2005 12:47

what to say? very, very sad.

Original poster
lou33 · 14/11/2005 13:03

We are still on good terms, he said to me today he still loved me, and if at some point i could envisage a future with him, we could talk.

He is still here because ds1 has been screaming the place down with toothache, so he has taken him for an emergency appt at a village hospital, but when he comes back from that he will go.

The schools have been told, my sister as well, because i needed to ask for her help for a lift tomorrow. I'm dreading saying goodbye though, you dont wipe out feelings overnight, but it is right we do this. I hope one day the kids come to understand.

OP posts:
blueteddy · 14/11/2005 13:06

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lou33 · 14/11/2005 13:12

I think it's because we knew it was coming for a while, it just took one of us to make the move

OP posts:
LIZS · 14/11/2005 13:21

Sorry to hear this. I'm sure you haven't reached this decision lightly and gave your relationship every chance you could.

PollyLogos · 14/11/2005 13:43

Very sorry to hear this Lou.

Original poster
lou33 · 14/11/2005 15:49

He left an hour ago, it was so sad

OP posts:
Nbg · 14/11/2005 15:52

Sorry to hear this.

No wise words to offer but hope you can find some happiness

Blu · 14/11/2005 21:34

Bloody hell, Lou what a day - ds1 screaming with toothache - that's very...something. Poor DS, poor all of you. Deep breaths.

aloha · 14/11/2005 21:37

Oh, I'm really, really sorry to read this Lou.
Will he be able to come back and live nearer you and the children?

marthamoo · 14/11/2005 21:40

I'm so sorry, lou - I really hoped you could work it out.

sunchowder · 14/11/2005 21:42

Oh Lou, I am so very sorry to read this. Please email me if you like. I will offer an support that I can. I miss you alot on here--I have been wondering about your holiday. Please know that I am here for you. XO, Sunny

Original poster
lou33 · 15/11/2005 09:30

Well last night was quite tough, the boys were not so bad, ds1 was feeling better after the dentist, but the girls were still crying themselves to sleep at 10pm, which was hard. The boys both woke in the middle of the night and ended up in bed with me, and my h was texting and calling last night between about 12.30 and 1.30 am, veering between sadness and anger. I'm tired, and ds2 has an induction day at the school he is due to start at in january (managed to get my sister to drive me there and back)

I am sending the kids back to school, i think they need the distraction.

OP posts:
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