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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

After 17 years we have called it a day

184 replies

lou33 · 13/11/2005 12:50

My h is moving out tomorrow, we have just told the kids. It was decided when i was in Thailand, and i only got back on friday night.

I guess old timers will remember that we have been having trouble for a while, but we kept trying. We can't try anymore however, so have decided to end it. We havent really shouted at each other, it's all been v civil, and i hope we can carry on being like that.

Has anyone been able to separate and keep it nice?

OP posts:
Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 13:16

I wont NdeP.

There would have to be so many changes Lgj, i dont know if we could ever both agree on where to start!

I wont say never, but like i said, we are both looking on this as permanent.

It was awful telling the kids, but we did it together

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 13/11/2005 13:38

Lou, I know a couple who have separated but are very civil to each other. In fact it took me a long time to cop that they were separated because they both always come to the school for "family" days and sports days and go around together with their dd's. They share custody from what I can see, easier when you both live in the same area, I know and their dd's are sometimes dropped to school by him and sometimes by her. And neither of them ever says a bad word about the other. So it can be done!

chatee · 13/11/2005 13:43

sorry to hear your news lou, no advice really to give you but just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you xx
how is your little ds?....my dd got her first wheelchair on friday and it so reminds me of your ds' picture
love to you all

rickman · 13/11/2005 13:50

Message withdrawn

Miaou · 13/11/2005 14:09

Oh lou, I'm so sad for you and your h. This might come across as a trite thing to say at this time, but splitting up is not failure, it's just moving forward in a different way. And if you and h can remain civil and friendly then that makes it a success IMO.

I hope you can continue to use mn as a support although I am aware of what has happened in the past. Keep your courage and your dignity and remain strong, and things will work out in the end for you. I think of you a lot (sorry hope that doesn't sound creepy)

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 14:12

Thanks all

Unfortunately h will not be local, he is going to stay with his dad in n cornwall, but he will be up in a couple of weeks to see the kids, then again mid december, and sometime around xmas

In a few weeks i will be able to learn to drive as well, so hopefully it wont take me too long, and that will be easier. It's hard pushing a wheelchair up and down hills in the snow for school runs!

OP posts:
sarahinphuket · 13/11/2005 14:14

lou i will be on MSN in around an hour, if you're still about?

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 14:16

i am not sure, h wants to spend some time with me before he goes he said

OP posts:
Eowyn · 13/11/2005 14:17

I'm so sorry to discover this is you. In answer to the original question, I got divorced at 23 & once he got over the initial pain we stayed reasonably friendly & likewise when next 4 yr relationship ended, bit different for you tho & especially with children.
I still can't get over how much solicitors letters cost back then , hate to think what they do now so it's well worth sorting what you can yourself as others have said.
Hope you'll be ok.

sarahinphuket · 13/11/2005 14:23

OK lou no worries....you know where I am, anytime

HRHWickedwaterwitch · 13/11/2005 14:32

I'm sorry this is you Lou. I'm divorced from my son's father and we're still friends, good friends, in fact I live with his mother during the week (working away atm) and see him for dinner once a fortnight or so (he lives the other side of London). Dp is totally and utterly fine with this: ex dh and he talk about geeky stuff independently of me. Ex and I were friends for 5 years before we got together and had ds (now 8), so I've known him for 13 years. We split up 6 years ago and he didn't want to be friendly at first but he came round. I truly consider him a friend now, I hope you and your h can eventually get to a point where you're friends. IME it can happen. Wishing you luck through this next painful bit.

ks · 13/11/2005 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nightynight · 13/11/2005 14:53

lou - sorry to hear your news. must say, I admire tremendously people who try to make a marriage work as hard as you have.
fwiw, I am hoping to get on better with my dx when we are finally split for good. I do know several couples who seem to have managed it.

soapbox · 13/11/2005 14:57

Lou - on the one hand I am very sorry to hear this news, on the other I am glad for both of you that you can start the journey to a happier life

I do hope that you manage to keep things friendly, to respect all that you have shared for the past 17 years, as well as continuing to be good role models for your children.

I imagine life will be very tough for you, being a sole parent, especially until you are able to drive again.

I wish you lots of strength for the coming weeks and months and much happiness for you and DH for the future

glitterfairy · 13/11/2005 15:24

I am sorry Lou and hope it works out that you can stay friends and be civil. I know a civil couple who are now best friends but he has come out and although father of three is gay and somehow that has made it ok for his wife.

They do manage well although she gets irritable with him from time to time.

Original poster
lou33 · 13/11/2005 20:14

Thank you everyone. He is going about lunchtime i think, i will probably be popping in and out for support/ advice these next few weeks.

OP posts:
nikcola · 13/11/2005 20:15

hi just seen this how are you hun? xxxxxxx

Janh · 13/11/2005 20:17

Oh lou Like soapbox I wish you both strength.

I know things had been fraught but I was hoping they were getting sorted...very sad for all of you. Hope you will be able to get a driving licence soon - wish he wasn't going quite so far away straight away though. Do your kids still need an honorary granny?

doormat · 13/11/2005 20:20

sorry to hear this lou
hugs
xxx

blueteddy · 13/11/2005 20:22

Message withdrawn

Blossomhill · 13/11/2005 20:25

I am so, so sorry to hear this .

Keep strong, will try and catch u on msn xxxxxx

suedonim · 13/11/2005 23:51

I'm sorry to hear this, Lou. I hope everything stays on a civilised level - I do know of folks who have managed to do this, in spite of their differences. Best wishes for your new future.

eidsvold · 14/11/2005 09:26

Wow Lou - only caught up with this - have been away and with renovations pc has been dismantled...

so sorry

Potty1 · 14/11/2005 09:33

So sorry to hear this Lou .

It's sounds as though you've both tried hard to keep it together and that's all you can do isn't it? Good luck with the driving - it'll certainly make things easier for you.

Hope the children are OK.

gingerbear · 14/11/2005 09:38

So sad to hear this Lou.
My sister is good friends with her first husband - they split over 10 years ago now. He still sees his daughter every weekend, takes her on holiday, took her to see Madonna a while back. The one thing my sister was worried about is that her daughter would grow up not knowing her dad. My sister admits that they are better friends now than they ever were when married.
Wishing you strength and happiness for the future.