The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Spring Into Summer.

[Mouseface]

Hello

Welcome to The Brave Babes Battle Bus.

This is a quest full of Babes, all fighting to remain sober, cut down or are somewhere in between right now.

You ticket to travel is free, it won't expire, and the Bus will always be here, even if there are days when you are not. So come say hi.

I'm Mouse. I have a thing for cheese and vodka, not together, well, not always!

Here is a LINK to the last thread, where you can read all of the previous threads and the journeys so far.

Isinde, I go through phases (like now, because I am a Delicate Hormonal Flower) where I just automatically hide any and all rape threads because I always, always end up spluttering with rage. I'm sorry that happened to you and you're having a hard time tonight. No toughness from me, just sympathies.

for you isindie, when things like that touch your past, it's like time collapses and the emotions pop up as raw as before. Thanks for telling us.

It's nice you're planning a holiday - I always used to drink less on holiday than at home, and ofetn drink less than other people on holiday. Partly because I didn't have the same access to 'secret stores' as I do at home so my usual drinking-loads-but-looking-like-I'm-drinking-normally tactics didn't work, and also because other people on holiday drink so moderately. They have 2 glasses of wine with lunch, and then stop, complaining that it's gone to their head - err doh! yes, that's the whole point! And at the end of the holiday they say how they feel they've overindulged because they had wine with their meal every night for a week, and a couple of nights they had a big blow out. I found it easier just not to drink much at all than to drink moderately like that. Hmmm, do you think I should have been able to sport that I had a bit of a problem?

Have a good day all.

Hello Babes and boybabe (where are you *Mif? did you have a good holiday?)

My internet went off at about 4 pm on monday, and I can't get on to the internet at work, and have been working full time, so I'm writing this from my club, and only have few minutes bloody bloody service????? provider!

Mousiemouseface my lovely one, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through such a bad time, you are so brave, and true, and I am so sorry that I wasn't on here with everyone else to send you love and support, when it mattered. I'm sending you love right now, and lots of hugs, and will pm you when get back online. Heart you, sweetheart.

Noteven So sad to hear about your mum, I hope you have peaceful days with her, you are doing all you can do. Well done on your sobriety, it must be hard at the moment.

Isinde No advice, because you know yourself very well, and you know what you want to do. You do sound a much brighter and more positive person when you haven't been drinking, but then, don't we all? I was horrorstricken to hear that you have had that experience in your life, and can understand that recent news rakes it all up. I don't read, or post on any other threads, maybe that's the answer . Sending my love to you, you will break this cycle, you are a very lovely and strong woman, and I get a great sense of calm intelligence from your posts (most of the time )xxxx.

I have to go now, I'm missing you all so much, and had to pretend to talk it out, when everyone was out last night, it was my day off today, and I had 6 bottlesof wine in the garage left over from Dc's dinner!!!!!
xxxxx

Morning Brave babes, i've been very quiet lately but have been resolutely sitting quietly on the bus. Day 9 for me or day 17 out of 18 which is how I'm looking at it. (Is that allowed?). I've definitely had some wobbly moments but am feeling so different to when I tried to stop a few weeks ago because I'm trying to look at all the positive things about not drinking rather than feeling sorry for myself because I can't have a drink.

Venus your post about the tracks really struck a chord with me. I think analogies can be really helpful and the way I'm seeing things now is that problem drinking is like being in a relationship with someone who's really abusive towards you but can also be really charming and, at times, can make you feel wonderful. All your friends tell you that this relationship is destroying your life and you need to get out. Sometimes, after a really bad few days/weeks when this person has been being really nasty, you summon up the strength to end the relationship and leave. For a while you feel great even though it's hard but then things get difficult and the partner comes to see you and begs you to come back and promises it will be different and your memory of all the awful things they've doem to you is beginning to fade and you think that maybe you're exaggerating about them any way and you remember the times when things were great and you get back together. And for a short time, things are good and then the abuse starts again etc etc.

I' sorry so many of you are having such a hard time - Mouse, thinking of you. Thornrose how are you doing? Your post last week about starting to forget about the downside of drinking really helped me. I do the same thing. I have to keep reminding myself that the reason I got on the bus in the first place was due to waking up on a Tuesday morning with a lump literally the size of an egg on the back of my head and DH not talking to me. No amount of craving for a drink can be worse than the utter self loathing I felt. I've got a feeling that the next few days are going to be tough for me - I think it's like the addiction knows it's being beaten and is summoning all its strength to try and suck me back into its clutches again. I am so determined to hang on in there. Thinking of you all, have a good day.

Isind I was in that place just over a week ago, it's bloody awful. I think it serves as a good reminder as to why we're on this bus tbh! We're not here because we like a little glass of wine occasionally, we're here because there is a very real problem that needs addressing which results in being trapped in an awful headspace and much much worse consequences when we behave badly towards others during the drinking session. Take care of yourself, eat, rest and use the time to think, would be my advice xx

Venus you made me laugh about not drinking much on holidays. I was exactly the same I used them as a holiday from my drinking as much as anything else, quite often. For my 40th (two years ago ) I took the family off to the states for two weeks. A week in NY and a week on a road trip. During that time I had ONE glass of wine on my birthday. A change in surroundings and little opportunity for boredom was the key in those circumstances. I didn't want to ruin what was a trip of a lifetime for all of us by getting hammered and pissing everyone off.

Hello everyone else After my wobble yesterday I, for the first time, called my sponsor to stop me drinking because I was so close to it. She gave me excellent advice, called me an hour later then came to a meeting with me. I had a sober day Wahayyyy me!

Today is already tricky. I have been for a meeting at dd1's school this morning, when essentially they have expelled her for non attendance. She doesn't know this yet and they've said she can attend (ha!) until the end of the summer term and then she's out. I'm now looking into a referral for home tutoring on health grounds from the CAMHS team. It's never easy, is it?!

Despite this, TODAY I WILL NOT BE DRINKING.

Noteven I hope you're coping ok. We're here when you feel the need to have a chat xx

Hello Brave Babes.

IsinDe - I totally understand the KC rape thread getting to you, I have hidden it. At times I feel MN is a place full of feckwits and ignorant posters. People who have no idea what it is they are arguing about, just joining in for the sake of it, hence me not straying far from here, for fear of kicking right off!

Make sure you have something stodgy to eat, lots of fluids, and some paracetamol every four hours. Start again today. xx

thurso - I hope that you get to see this at some point, thank you for your post to me xx

noteven - hoping that you are managing to get through the day.

venus - mwah xx

RUBY!!! - Are you out there lovely???????

luci - thank you for your kind words too xx

Golly - well done for calling your sponser, that's what they are there for after all!

Last night was just awful. Nemo had a dreadful night of being restless, struggling to breathe and having bad dreams. He was crying in his sleep poor little chap.

I have spent the last couple of days researching what I can give him, what I can buy OTC to help sedate him, what's 'legal' and what's not.

I remember the meds he used to have in hospital and what friend's have said their DCs are on. I'm not waiting another 2+ weeks for help. I can't. I can hardly see I'm so tired and my head is splitting!

So, I have a plan in place and I'd love it if you'd all cross your fingers that it works!!

Hydro later for me, then off to a friends for a much needed coffee and chat.

BTW - another dry day yesterday here.

Oh isinde I am sorry you are feeling so crap.

It's strange how drinking can seem like the only solution, yet it's so rare to wake up the following day and be glad that you did (Not you specifically isinde)

If anyone needs a bit of extra online support this website is brilliant: www.womenforsobrietyonline.com

upsy I like that analogy about the abusive relationship - it's spot on. Drink promises one thing and delivers the absolute opposite.

X posted mouse

I have no clue what you mus be going through right now - I so admire you and want to send warm thougths and strength. I hope, hope hope you can find a solution to nemo's sleep problems. You must be so depleted.

Well done on staying away from teh sauce. That's brill. :)

Mouse well done on your sober day! Sorry you had such a crap night Imagine how much worse it would have been if you'd been drinking in the evening I hope today is better and I have my fingers crossed that your plan is a brilliant one (possibly even cunning!) and works out for you x

So true about the abusive relationship. I've been in one of those (two if you include the booze) and I've also had to hide the rape thread.

Upsy - I'm not ignoring you, abuse is a very raw subject for me. Hope you are okay

Isinde

Sorry to hear you are back in the madness.

No tough love from me - just a plea to remind yourself that this is never going to get better. Every time you drink from now on, it is going to be the same.

Be nice to yourself and let it go.

Today's a new day - you can do this. I know you can, because I did.

Hi mouse, I just wondered if you ever posted on the SN threads? I lurked a lot a few years ago when I was very concerned about DS1's behaviour and always found it incredibly supportive - a bit like here, really. I just remember a lot being written about melatonin. Thinking about you and Nemo.

Hey Upsy - I am in touch with a lot of the SNMNers in RL so I have been picking their brains this last week.

I've searched threads in that topic so I don't want to ask the same questions over again

But thank you so very much for the suggestion, all gratefully received. xx

Hydro was hard work today, it always is when I'm exhausted but needs must! My old physio wants to take me back onto her patient list now too, she thinks I need more support with managing the pain.

I'm glad, I need all the help I can get

How are we all this afternoon? Off out for coffee shortly. Keep posting Babes xx

BOING!!! irritating arnt I?

no tough love here isindi - sounds like you feel rough as a badgers arse, im pretty sure you dont need me to remind you not to do it again! - i didnt look at that thread -
i had a bit of an experience a few years ago, wasnt raped but only because im fairly streetwise and realised what the bloke was about to try and do (total stranger) I was very much alone, running for my life, its funny though, when people say that they dont know how they would react in those sort of cirmcumstances, i know how I react, i was prepared to fight to the very death, i had my key in my hand ready to stab him in the eye with, anyway, long story short, i got away, he went on to rape and murder - anyhoo, in all honesty it was a problem for me, he shook my sense of self, my sense of security and safety and guess what i did?, yep! bang on! picked up the bottle, i went on a huge bender after that, dh was helpless, i had cbt for a while but of course, it didnt work mostly because of the amount i was drinking! - that was quite strange to write about, i havent thought about in quite a while, i dont use that road anymore, it sends me into a bit of panic even now - im not sure where im going with this....

on a better note, i have had a really good business meeting. always something i enjoy (alan sugar is, quite frankly an amatuer in comparison! ) belly dancing with dd later!

Bum Bum Bum, am also back on the slippery slope . I am just SO BORED! All I can think about is how pissed off I am about being forced out of my job, how pissed off I am that we are in debt, how fed up I am about everything. Am being a selfish moaning twit I know. I knew dh was taking ds to the gym after school so deliberately went and bought some drink, am now drinking it and wondering how to 'hide' it when he gets back. Have left a cheery voicemail 'oh let me know when you're on your way back so i can put ds dinner on'.. yeh right, to clean my teeth more like God what is it? AA irritated me, self will is falling apart. I am really feeling shit right now, actually I'm not, I'm feeling really jolly but deep inside I'm so cross with myself. So many things going on in my head. If you were all therapists, i'd give you a run down of my rubbish life from age 2, but I really don;t want to bore you. I've had a really horrible life and I finally thought, with my last job, that it was all going to be ok, and, again, it all went wrong . Sorry sorry, pity bender. Please ignore me, am being a prat.

Arrghh! JWN, I can't believe that it was suggested that CBT would help you with a horrid event like that! CBT (and other brief interventions) can be great, they have their place, but mostly they work well for changing behaviour, helping to adjust negative thinking patterns, improving self esteem. They're not much cop with traumatic events, addictions, or serious mental health problems. I know how/why the 'establishment' like CBT - a fixed number of sessions, a limited price, tick in the box - short term outcomes. But deep issues often require deep help.

fwiw I never read those kind of threads / switch off tv & radio to avoid it. My ex was 'controlling' (enough said) and I'm a bit rape-phobic - have been known to walk run out of cinemas and my lovely dp and dds and friends will say things like -ooh that's a good book, but you wouldn't like pages 84-87!

IsinDe - Now there's a great name for a business if ever you need one!

Well, how are you feeling now sweets? Any better?

Corrie - listen to IsinDe, she's about 24hrs ahead of where you are.

lovecorrie try to put the glass away and brush your teeth now. I know how hard that is but you'll be glad you did tomorrow. I wonder why AA irritated you so much, is it because you're not ready for it maybe? I sometimes find people in AA really irritating me, but not AA itself. I daresay I might get to that point sometime. I've been to a couple of meetings lately that I really didn't enjoy (both times because there was a drunk person there) but I keep going back because I know damn well I can't do it on my own and the majority of the time I like it I've had to slowly break down some lifelong beliefs in order to get with it which has been scary but rewarding. Change is difficult but not impossible! x

lovecorrie you may be on the slippery slope, but you've still got some choices left: you can STOP NOW, clean your teeth, drink copious amounts of tea during the evening, and wake up feeling fine tomorrow, and also wake up feeling that you DID manage to stop, and feel proud of yourself for that. You can look back on today and say, 'god I was on that slippery slope, but at least I managed to get off it. Phew.'

Or you can open the next bottle of wine, drink one glass (to excuse the possible smell of alcohol on your breath) [PS - if you have some left in the previous bottle, hide it in the cleaning cupboard or in your wardrobe so you can have a sneaky glass later]. Then you can share that next bottle of wine with your dh, all the time keeping a very close eye on exactly how much he is having so you don't miss out on your share. You can see the slight look of puzzlement on his face about why you seem to be so drunk on a glass and a half of wine (but ignore that, you can put it down to being emotional about your life circumstances). Then after dinner (and once all the wine is finished) you could put the kettle on, with all the pretence of planning a nice cup of tea/coffee. Then you have a couple of choices, you could either say, oh I really fancy a nightcap, and openly pour yourself a brandy/whatever, or you could be really sneaky and go off to another room slurping out of a 'coffee' mug that reaqlly contains brandy.

Can you tell that I was an expert in this?

lovecorrie you know what I used to do in my life. I was deluding no-one but myself and I was harming everyone including myself.

Blimey Venus you are genius, how did you get to be so eloquent? I wish I could express myself as well as you do - that was spot-on as ever!

How long have you been sober now?

Aw BB you should have known me in my drinking days, I was fabulously eloquent: "hiiyaa... shshall I jusht tell yous shomething..... well youshee the thing ish, realyy...... if ye jusht, ... jusht, .... ohhhh, ah think a'hm gonna....... [puke] ... awright, hiiyaa.... where wur we.... shshall I jusht tell yous somehing...."