Please Help-- Advice needed re Emotional Affair is he seeing her i am sooo confused !!!!

[krissydw1]

Sorry for all if this message is long I just dont know what to think or believe anymore and need some perspective on the situation

My ex partner and father of my twins left me a week a go saying he didnt love me anymore etc . We have had problems and have broken up four previous times he always did the leaving saying he was unhappy with his life didnt want to be with me because i irritate him drink wine in the evenings etc he has hit me several times and i begged him back. All the other times he has returned saying he still loves me but later in a row says he wishes he was not with me then the next day he loves me so have been thinking he is happy but he isnt.

Anyways recently we set up a business started talking about a futire doing it together etc i asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he said he did. This same night he came home drunk and we had a massive row. I logged in to his fb and found out he was saying to a woman he works with he does not want to be with me he hates me and wants to leave but cant leave his kids and dreams about being with her. The next day i asked him of he loved me and to cut a long story short said yes. I did not mention that i know

Afew days later i was away and we spoke on the phone and textes he told me he loves me etc. Later that evening i loged on again to his fb bot expecting to find anything as i assumed the later contact was just venting after our row. What i found made me sick to my stomach messages to this woman saying he had to delete her coments cos i was asking questions about her that he hates me thinks about her everyday can even smell her. She responded with similar things gonna go to bed and dream about you etc and i dont want you to arguee with HER so will only text you on the mobile.

Two days later i went home and asked him if there was anything going on with her as have been asking for about a month before even finding anything because i had a feeling he said he loves me nothing going on etc. I could not let it go cos i know what i had read but did not want him to know that i had been snooping. Anyways he kept denying anything was going on. THE next day he was going on a works do with her and i kept asking him not to go because i thought something was going on he left me that day saying we just dont work etc maybe we dont but it seems that he was still prepared to work at it before he said we have just come to the end of the road etc. During the last three days leading up to this his phone had been stuck to him which it usualy isnt.

a WEEK LATER HE CAME OVER AND I GOT HIS PHONE LOADS OF TEXTS BETWEEN THEM HE SAID I LOVE YOU TO BABE WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I COULD TOUCH YOU THE OTHERS I DID NOT TAKE IT WAS IN SHOCK.

So i then went and confronted him i said why didnt you tell me there was something going on between you and her he went silent had a go at me for looking at his phone and said we are not together anymore so its nothing to do with you i asked to know what is going on and he said its not what i think he just felt sorry for her and after they went out for a drink he realises she is to needy for him that they are not together he does not want nothing to do with a married woman but at the same time says he left when he did cos he didnt want to lie but was gonna leave anyways. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I keep asking if he is with her and he keeps saying no but its nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! well maybe its not now but it kinda is cos they were carying on when we were together!!!!!

I just dont know what to think sorry for the long message

Yesterday had a good day today feel depressed and sad again....WHY is it so hard to move on and let go when things have been so bad or bad some of the time surley that sould make it easier

Well, it should OP but unfortunately our feelings can't be switched on or off just because we wish them to be!

Have you never had a relationship where someone wanted you more than you wanted them? They'll have had the same feelings as you are, most likely.

The good news is you had a good day yesterday and you will have a good day again. Then you'll have two good days in a row and perhaps another bad day. That's just the way it goes. So concentrate on what was good about yesterday, what you did to make it good and do more of that.

How was today OP? Really good to hear that you can see a glimmer of yourself again, hold onto that, because more and more of "the real you" will start to appear.

Everything you're going through is a step forward, including the crap stuff. It is a detox of sorts, not so different from any other withdrawal, in that you feel shit as you start to process and get rid of the bad stuff.

today i soke to him in the morn he rang me wanted to know how i was etc said i felkt a bit better

Later i called him and said i wanted to come back to the flat we had a massive row he said i could come back but i would have to a act this way and that way to please him cos he was not going anywhere i told him that he has mentaly and physicaly abused me and he said that i had abused him how i dont know he said i was a dick cos all i do is nothing and he would not think i was a dick if i was setting up businesses but cos i am not he thinks i am a dick i hang up and text him asking if her husband new and he said you really are a dick arent you called me a pick siad he hated me etc after that i said what have you ever done for me i have done all this for you he said i shouldnt have to do anything for you and told me to fuck offf was so abusive

krissydw1 where are the twins right now? Are they with their father or with you?

with me

krissy - FGS stop this, you are going to get nowhere with him.

He left you, and your DT.

What kind of person would do that? a total dick that's who! Your x is not worth speaking to, he has lost that right, as he has ceased to be a proper human being.

Now you look back and you see what other damage he has done to you and will go on to do to your DT if you continue to live with him.

Hold you head up HIGH, don't engage with him, not for any reason. You need HIM to grovel to you to ask you to give him the time of day tbh.

Don't text him or call him again.

Please come on here and vent if you have to, but for the love of all things dear to you, please don't feed him and his need for adoration/drama and whatever else drives his abuse of you.

The other day when i decided to stick up for his behaviour he went mad when i said does her husband know he said i was just a dick etc

The next day i called to appologise not cos i wanted to know but cos i wanted to gather info he said that he just reponds to my if i have an issue with him he will respond ten fold. I said what kind of person is that i find people anoying all the time but i dont rage at them and if i am such an knob why do all of my friends and old work colleages thingk so it must just be you that finds me this way then

He kept trying to justify saying if i give him any attitue he will give back ten fol etc . But not all of us do that do we my mum gives me attitude to i still have to control myself ?????

But he is really nice and understanding when i am with him

Mabye thats the guilt aboiut seeing another fucking woman......however we still have to see the kids and make arangemets so am just being adult right not my son had split his lip covered in blood and went to hosp yest made me see things in a diferent light really

Sorry in advance but

S T O P C A L L I N G T H I S L O S E R ! ! ! !

You are losing your dignity here, when you finally realise what this twat has done and how you kept up the ridiculous attempts at engaging with him, you will kick yourself even more. The dawn of realisation will be excruciating.

Stop it now, stop doing this to yourself.

GAH! I want to shake you!

I'm so sorry you are putting yourself through this. PLease detach, please stop the contact. No good will come of it.

I dont really have a choice as he is at the flat so am droppig the kids there two nights a week.\

Am getting fed up with staying at my mums house so have also told him i need to stay there part of the week as i need so space to

I feel like i have got even worse since he moved back into the flat praps cos i have lost him and my enviroment which i am used to.

Its been six weeks nearly and have not started getting better at all only in the last couple of days have i really felt the need to cry prior i was just numb i think.

Its only now that i realise of course he is seeing her and is a liar he must have fucked my head completely to make me doubt my own instincts to the point of such self doubt and the feeling of going mad.

BUT AS SHIT AS IT HAS BEEN i am still in love with him and am upset that the fice years i have put into what i thought would be my future him the family unit and my home is no more hes been the person who i have loved and wanted to be with for five years and i cant seem to let it go

You are being your own worst enemy. Get him out of the flat, TODAY, NOW! The reason? he is shagging someone else, underneath your very nose and has not stopped. HE left, he needs to STAY left.

You will never, ever, EVER in a million years regain your dignity and any shade of respect while you allow this situation to carry on. Currently what is the incentive for him to behave better towards you? What's in it for him to change? NOTHING!

You are allowing him a roof over his head, a roof HE left you in with your DT, to go off and shag someone else, and now you are allowing him 2 nights a week and now you are popping back for more abuse, contempt and vitriol.

How long before you just move back in permanently and he carries on fucking anything that looks at him and you just resign yourself to a life like that? Jesus, It doesn't have to be like this!

Five years is 5 years. I was with mine for 10. Does that mean I'm less of a human being for telling him to get the fuck out of my life as he refused to stop abusing me? Does that mean I have had less or more return on my 'investment'? No it doesn't. It actually means that I was ALMIGHTY prick, and that I am going to take a lot longer to put myself back together than you. I may never recover.

It's no different whether you have been with someone 5 years or 50 years, if they are mistreating you, disrespecting you or lying to you, the length of time means nothing, it can't change the facts.

If you are looking at this as an investment, tell me what return are you actually getting out of this? To be in a relationship at ALL costs? Nothing, no-body and no dick is worth that. Believe me.

What do you think this all will show your dear little twins? To grow up and be cheated on by someone who is really not worth it?

Surely the best thing to do is to cut that man dead and tell him that when he becomes a human being, does the right thing then he can be treated as such.

He HAS, as you say "fucked your head completely to make you doubt your own instincts to the point of such self doubt and the feeling of going mad."

So given that statement, can we please establish that
ONE, he is not to be engaged with,
TWO, that he doesn't have your best interests at heart, far from it,
THREE that he is using manipulative and abusive tactics to control you
FOUR you are miserable, confused and panicking... all of which HE is causing by his refusal to treat the mother of his children with the respect and consideration she has damned well earned and truly deserves.

You are not IN LOVE with HIM. You are in love with the person he tricked you into thinking he was. He is not that person, probably never was. Of course he has been semi nice to you, a smile here, a there-there, erm, there but that is part of the cycle, You are addicted to the snippets of nice that he tosses you every so often.

OK, tough love over, I want you to be happy, carrying on in this day to day self flagellation trip will only break you. You need to find some strength and boot that fucker as far as your eyes can see, and then boot him again, ideally behind the sun.

Lol great advice thanks I have tried to tell him to leave the flat cos his names on it to the police will only remove him then bail him as have checked then he can come back he would not get locked up unless he broke a bone apparently SOOOOOO I HAVE SORT OF ALLOWED HIM TO STAY AT THE FLAT one because i know he has no where else to go and two because i think i am safer at my mums anywyas there is no way i can live under the smae roof as him WHICH HE SAYS I AM WELCOME TO DO!!!!!! How much more of a mess would i become if i did that.

So i told him he can stay for a month only and i am looking for a new place as i feel i need to get out of there and start again somewhere knew.

I do feel that the kids need to see him though he does not treat them badly.

I suppose i am in love with an idea and some of the nice times

The bad ones dont seem to be coming through to my conciousness as yet ?!!!!!

I jut wanted to thank you all for your wonderful advice thankyou all for thaking the time HHN thanks so much for giving your advice when you are going through the smae you seem really strong.

Not sure if i am gonna bother trying to regain control of the flat just want somewehre new for me and the DT and as soon as the flat is gone he can;t keep invading in my Life. Plus the DT love it at my mums they get much more attention.

Got verbaly abusive relationship om my kindle for PC today and have started reading many things fit already and have not read that much of it.

Funny how when he met my i was a driven sucsessful woman now I am a pathetic loser as he calls it he seems to want to find another sucsessful woman to drain interesting how the women always seem to lose themselves while they suck all of your strengh out then WALK OUT THE DOOR WITH IT.

Thanks again girls well doen to all of you you all make such sense just wish my heart could read all this stuff too : )

hh were you prepared to put up with a shit relationship at all costs too for the best part of ten years ten ?

xxx

No, as you know, it's not like that. It creeps up, you are clamped down on and think that's what it takes to hang on to your man... You are swept off your feet, thinking you are not worth this person, and then that person starts to push the boundaries, ever so slightly, and you accommodate, because losing him would show you and others that you are not worth a relationship.

I struggled through the first few years, trying to people please my way into this relationship being successful. At about 4 years in, the baby subject came up, I was 37) I got PG, had DS and 6m later we moved to X country, Egypt. He changed overnight from pretty controlling and minorly abusive to major league. so much so, and so sudden I even said to him that he was showing off cos we had guests! I was alone in a flat, not able to even be out on the balcony, having to cover, conform to the local insanity with a 6m old. He refused to take me out, I would spend literally weeks without going out the front door. Only opened the front door to clean the steps. Even then I was told I didn't need to do that, and he got his cousin to do it thereafter. My longest stretch inside was just over 10 weeks, and only then when I was MC and bleeding to death.

I think I broke down at some point and resigned my life a little at some point, but then I came home for a visit. made contact with some people, got on a local forum and tried to establish things to do with DS. Never was allowed to do it, but in the end met my friend who lived around the corner. X thinks we met on a plane, but we didn't. Had he have thought we met online, he would never have allowed me to meet her.

Gradually I realised that I was leading a life that was abjectly miserable. Only when I came home to the UK on my own I realised - with ton loads of time spent on MN that I needed to be strong and not put up with anything.

When X came home to the UK, he tried to stamp on me, I resisted, I never backed down. It caused problems, but I couldn't go back to how it was.

If I put up with a shit relationship, knowingly, I think it'd have been the last year in egypt, knowing that all I wanted to do was to get home and be free again. Up until then, I thought that it all was relatively normal. I do remember shrieking at him once that not one woman, alive or dead that I know, have known or would ever know lived the way I did, and that I couldn't stand it. Didn't make any difference. he was not prepared to give up his entitlement to rule me.

I understand you wanting new surroundings love, do whatever helps you feel stronger, that is your main goal of every day. Don't allow a soul to belittle you, time goes so quickly, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to get out.

Sorry, that post was probably a bit grim wasn't it? all done and dusted now, all over.

By saying he tried to stamp on me, I meant verbally/metaphorically, not literally btw!

I'm not in a dissimilar situation myself although the abuse is verbal and emotional not (yet) physical. Your DH and mine are unable to take responsibility for their actions/words so that means that we have to grapple with it ALL which is unfair and frustrating and makes you feel like you're going mad. Somebody else projecting their shit on to you is a dreadful and debilitating thing. It is unacceptable. I need to get out of my situation and with 2 kids it's so hard as it clearly is for you but youhave received posts that spell it out clearly. Leave and rediscover your confidence, he is the weak and selfish child you are the responsible mother and woman. What are you fighting to keep hold of? That is what I ask myself now...why do I want to try and 'struggle' for what? I do not my children to see DH's behaviour as in any way normal or acceptable but as long as I stay for the shit that is what they will think. They deserve more, so do I , so do you. Do you have a supportive family? I am about to enlist the help of all the lovely people I know to guide me through what feels like the hardest and most difficult point in my life. But to keep some perspective, it is life and isn't it better to live through values that you believe in, with honesty, love, integrity and respect to those around you and not to be taking on someone else's fuck ups which will always seek to destroy those good values? This is longer than I intended. Goodluck, have faith in yourself and the values you believe in. Your story strengthens my resolve and it is so hard but it is not surely, impossible for us to carve out a life of love and happiness? Take care x I worry about the violence, for many that would be it, a line crossed never to be returned to , please leave himx

Hiya God you have been trhough much worse than me at least you could go out and the viloence is not as bad as the verbal the verbal certainly hurts more.

Well today it has been 6 weeks i should be getting better i supose but am not i still loving him and supose i miss the life i have been building for the past 5 years that has been ripped from me.

I suppose i should shed a little on my life and background really. Perhaps it will make a bit more sense then. Since being quite young i have been persuing or was persuing a career in music till i me him. Anyways i have moved around a lot from home to home and country to country loved my freedom but was ands still am a lost soul. In my previous relationshipo with a musician we built a business and a band together moved to america where we worked to CALSS ONE DAY I CAME HOME TO FIND HE HAD FUCKED OFF BACK TO THE UK AND LEFT ME WITH ALL THE BILLS FLAT ETC WITH NO BAND MUSIC THAT I HAD WRITTEN NOTHING. I feel appart then and had to come back to my parents nothing meant anything it was like the world i had built no longer existed and was nothing to do with any choice on my behalf.

After that i vowed never to build on anything and let it go again. Anyways after that i got another music job got a new flat and left my parents eventualy met my current ex....when i met him i had about got my head around the last incident and was getting on ok things were moving again and had made the decission to build on my music degree and do law so could then become a media lawyer. WAS VERY VERY VERY DRIVEN. Then met him and quickly feel deep in love he came first i listened to him everything he said we move to Brighton and then it really started he said he would move under the condition that i help him while he set up a business so i worked to shit jobs while he was doing his dream and pushed mine aside in between all this he was spending money drinking and i would come home to issue after issue night after night i think it was then i lost myself again. PUT ALL OF MY ENERGY INTO HIM.....I DID start studying law but could not focus oin it i thought i didnt like it but am not sure if i did or not now as all i could do was think about him...

Later on i got PG we moved had twins he convinced me to be a stayt at home mum and stay on bennifits so far from who i wanted to be ever....and it went from there for the past three years.....slowley i put myself last him first drank to much to cope with his constant goal post changes.Constant threats to leave constant outbursts that he hated his life. I would always try and mend everything and everything else i did fell by the wayside.people have said how well i was coping with twins and doing this that and the other as well but he didnt see it like that to him i was a loser apparently sitting on the couch all day !!!!! his reality not mine.

Anyways in a bid to not lose the man i loved and not be a single parent i never wanted kids anyways and not have to start again i hung on ahung on i suppose.

Now today when i woke up i cired i thought i am allowed to cry and grienve all the friging effort i have put him trying to be a good partner and mother to twins while trying to keep him happy i tired to make an ice home cook clean support him by looking after the twins all the time while he did noithing with them and built businesses but now hasd no money !!!!!

I have heard it said that women become there man what i mean is i have been so confused as to how h can be so ok and i am so not the reason is he has not changed at all and i have totaly addapted to everything. and changed my person as a result i would never have waited on a man hand and foot before ever... anyways the reason he is ok is he prob never loved me anyways and secondly he is still the same still running around setting up businesses with ideas the same as when i met him still doing the same thing. He does not seem to realise that i have changed so much to try to accomidate him and the family that i am not the same person as before thats the sad thing.

I gave my personalitly up and he didnt

Sorry for the long post

" How can you ask me how have I been I think you should know well the shape that I'm In. You tell me wonder if I am OK well thats DAMN FOOL THING TO SAY"

"The water is rising the water is wide and your always standing on the other side and then comes the moment i wake in the dawn with hours to lie here alone"

"And you seem so suprised that im feeling this way,, how am i so lonely today...If you ever loved me the way I loved you then you would be lonely too"

"So here's to lovers for old time sake who don't hold each other to the promise they break and smile throught the window and wave on the street cos thats all you want now from me"

"Should I say something to put you at ease or should I get down on my knees"

If you ever loved me the way I loved you, you would be lonley too!!!!!

Dancer in the Dark so sorry to hear you are also going through this how long have you been suffering as well and also with 2 dc. Its odd how men can seem to destroy a woman BUT then men remain whole humans complete as when the leave as they were before but we give up so much and put IN so much I guess thats why we feel so shit and put up with so much shit.

Have you left yet do you know what you are going to Do ??

I Guess we see them as GOD they probably do as well my ex keeps saying how better he feels because at least he knows he tried and I am so high maintainace ummmmm a high maintainace woman may wish to go out more than twice a year and not wait to you hand and foot and POSSIBLY EXPECT YOU TO PUT some effort in to making her feel better rather than into another woman maybe thats just me. They are a waste of energy arent they ?

there is no worse than on MN. Everyone's personal hell is exactly that. I think what happened to you in many ways is as bad if not worse than what happened to me.

What you need is to take a moment out and look at what YOU achieved! Look what you managed to make a come back from! You ought to be proud of yourself love! You really deserve to be!

When you met him you were vulnerable, he somehow saw that. You were swept off your feet and taken away from your own comfort zone too. You made the best of it and did what you could never to be left again.

I said before, a decent partner, knowing your fear of being abandoned would never, ever use that as a stick to beat you with, they would never mention it, they would work to make you feel confident and secure with them. Your ex is at best a manipulator, and has done all he can to keep you subservient to him, depending on him for your freedom. Never a good idea,

I had both bodily and verbal violence, the verbal does more damage it's true.

This guy has done a number on you, that is for sure.

So know he has left, now you grieve, that's normal and has to happen/ You can do this, and you will be better for it!

thing is, what he is, is actually ALL he can be, what you can be is this, but you can also be SO much more. When your DT are able to go into nursery etc, you can resume your career and then just watch you fly.... THAT was what this X of yours is trying to prevent btw, but we all know you can prove him wrong and show him up for the little man that he is.

ha ha ha, re your last post krissy... Please do tell him to JUST FUCK OFF, with that 'at least I tried' bollocks.

High maintenance? You? No, that is what normal people have because they have decent partners who don't begrudge their family the attention they deserve.

Good! Get Angry, you need to. RAGE against the injustice of it, RAGE against his failings, his inadequacy, his cruelty, but never, ever think that you are in any way to blame for his inability to be a decent human being. It's been you that has allowed him to look like one all these years. Now that it's time to pay the piper, he can't honour the commitments he has made.

Pity him, imagine how low the DT will think he is when they know the full truth about him one day. Tell him that the looks of pity and disgust will haunt him forever, knowing that they know he is a waste of space... that'd be a killer for me.

MM ALL TRUE ...He thinks i am a waste of space because all IO am doing now is stitting around mopig on the bennifits which he made me get BUT HE IS EARNING MONEY. Well i am allowed to be sd and refuse to let him dictate to me what i should be doing if he is still boyant and doing businesses or trying with no money then good for him I am not weaker for feeling my lose and for what i have out in perhaps it just means i am human and have feelings and feel sad because i have been cheated on and lied to....thats more normal i think but i am not a man

Hi, Im sorry, I have gone through a very similar experience. they want their cake and eat it. We dont deserve to be treated 2nd best. Get help,talk to Womens Aid. get yourself safe.
It is horrible beyond belief that the man we married,had children with etc etc could do this to us but sadly they do. See a lawyer font hang around. Good luck