Please Help-- Advice needed re Emotional Affair is he seeing her i am sooo confused !!!!

[krissydw1]

Sorry for all if this message is long I just dont know what to think or believe anymore and need some perspective on the situation

My ex partner and father of my twins left me a week a go saying he didnt love me anymore etc . We have had problems and have broken up four previous times he always did the leaving saying he was unhappy with his life didnt want to be with me because i irritate him drink wine in the evenings etc he has hit me several times and i begged him back. All the other times he has returned saying he still loves me but later in a row says he wishes he was not with me then the next day he loves me so have been thinking he is happy but he isnt.

Anyways recently we set up a business started talking about a futire doing it together etc i asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he said he did. This same night he came home drunk and we had a massive row. I logged in to his fb and found out he was saying to a woman he works with he does not want to be with me he hates me and wants to leave but cant leave his kids and dreams about being with her. The next day i asked him of he loved me and to cut a long story short said yes. I did not mention that i know

Afew days later i was away and we spoke on the phone and textes he told me he loves me etc. Later that evening i loged on again to his fb bot expecting to find anything as i assumed the later contact was just venting after our row. What i found made me sick to my stomach messages to this woman saying he had to delete her coments cos i was asking questions about her that he hates me thinks about her everyday can even smell her. She responded with similar things gonna go to bed and dream about you etc and i dont want you to arguee with HER so will only text you on the mobile.

Two days later i went home and asked him if there was anything going on with her as have been asking for about a month before even finding anything because i had a feeling he said he loves me nothing going on etc. I could not let it go cos i know what i had read but did not want him to know that i had been snooping. Anyways he kept denying anything was going on. THE next day he was going on a works do with her and i kept asking him not to go because i thought something was going on he left me that day saying we just dont work etc maybe we dont but it seems that he was still prepared to work at it before he said we have just come to the end of the road etc. During the last three days leading up to this his phone had been stuck to him which it usualy isnt.

a WEEK LATER HE CAME OVER AND I GOT HIS PHONE LOADS OF TEXTS BETWEEN THEM HE SAID I LOVE YOU TO BABE WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I COULD TOUCH YOU THE OTHERS I DID NOT TAKE IT WAS IN SHOCK.

So i then went and confronted him i said why didnt you tell me there was something going on between you and her he went silent had a go at me for looking at his phone and said we are not together anymore so its nothing to do with you i asked to know what is going on and he said its not what i think he just felt sorry for her and after they went out for a drink he realises she is to needy for him that they are not together he does not want nothing to do with a married woman but at the same time says he left when he did cos he didnt want to lie but was gonna leave anyways. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I keep asking if he is with her and he keeps saying no but its nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! well maybe its not now but it kinda is cos they were carying on when we were together!!!!!

I just dont know what to think sorry for the long message

Thanks again for all your kinds words of support
I have just been laying low at my mums house and went to see an old friend last night. It feels weird and surrel me being at my mums and him being at the flat. I said he could stay there as his mother hit him and he has now where else to go. But maybe i am better at my mums cos when i was at the flat i was just wandering from room to room not leaving the house not eating and i have some help and support here with the kids.

Its all very surrel though esspecialy as i am not in my own home

Hi Ladies antoehr issue i am stuggling with is alcohol have been drinking every night since he left. However before he left i would enjoy a bottle of wine about 3 times a week. No i seem to have been using it as a crutch to blot out my feelings.

He would always drink and tell me i was an alcoholic that i made him drink or he would say lets not drink this week amdf the next day go to the pub and come home pissed and then having a go at me for not sticking to the arangement if i had some wine on a day when he was not drinking like it was ok for him to do it but not me he would always say i have made him an acoholic its my fault he is from a family of alcoholics as well.

He blames me all the time for his drinking but i didnt used to drink at home all that much til i met him half the time it would just be a treat at the end of the day because i never went out was stressed out with the kids or ot was just something to lookforwad to at the end of the day ...............my friends say no wonder i was drinking being with him has draged me down so much but i cant blame other people for my behaviour all i know i i was not like this before i met him

My abusive x was the same with dope. It was my fault he smoked it. And I was an alchy if I so much as ventured a second glass!

I'm sure you are leaning on alcohol a bit, but you are conscious of it. Keep an eye on it and try to limit yourself to perhaps the weekends if you can. Don't let this develop into a habit, buy it's understandable at this stage. You'll be fine!

its like the problems they have with them selves they put on there partner all the time and then almost drive you in to becoming the same as them.
I am having to let my ex stay at my flat cos he literaly is homeless without it so being back at my mums is shit in the way that they nag and interfere but i should be grateful to have somewhere to go and a bit of support.

The drinking has developed into a bit of a habit but am concious of it

He said today that he loves me to bits for letting him stay at the flat i dont really have much of a choice no matter what he has done i cant see him homless and as not from round here no where else to go. BUT I made it clear because once i have found a new place for me and the kids i WILL be moving and giving notice on the flat.......i wish i could just turn off my emotions but i cant am so tired and drained all the time

BTW why was it your fault he smoked dope did you ssmoke it as well or was it cos you stressed him out so much ?
xxxxxx

I told him he was whacked out all the time, aggressive, miserable, paranoid, he said he only smoked it cos I drove him round the bend.

I did smoke it when I lived in Egypt, way too much, but that was only to escape, others I know did dope and sleeping tablets to blot it out. As soon as I got home to the UK I naturally stopped and then gave up smoking altogether 2yrs ago in July.

basically all the crappy things they throw at us are the things they know will hurt us, or are the things in themselves they hate.

Stick to your guns love. you know you are right. don't fall for the flannel.

i HAVE JUST SEM PICS OF HER AND HIM ON HER FACEBOOK SITE LLOKING HAPPY AS A SANDBOY THE NIGHT HE LEFT ME LEFT ME HE WAS HAPPY AS HELL AND LOOKS SO I LOVE WITH HER IF HER HUSBANS IS ABUSING HER AND SHE IS SUICIDAL AS HE SAYS IT SURE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE IT SEEING IT IN PICTURE FORM HAS MADE ME CRY SO MUCH HE LOOKS SO HAPPY WITH HER I CANT TAKE MUCH MORE I REALLY CANT

she looks so pretty

Erm, delete FB. People only put up happy pics on FB. It's not real. It's possibly only to PISS YOU OFF.

yes it's going to be hard, but if this bloke was in anyway half way decent, he'd make sure that you were not distressed by this split any more than was unavoidable. This now pretty much seals it that he is a total bastard and one to avoid. You will see one day that this is the best thing that could have happened.

Are you OK today? Please update krissy?

Bet you are pretty too btw.

Hey today am still not good. He didn't put the pics up she did was not just the two of them but a works do bu it still hurt like fuck he didn't even k ow they were on there and is adamant that he is not texting her now. I am trying to function but just feel like a totaly empty shell if I could kick myself out of this I would but I just feel empty even for my kids have never been this bad before have been taking citalopram but it's doing nothing

ok (with Mental Health Nurse hat on!) are you taking Citalopram because of an onging MH issue, or because of how things have been recently?

How long, and on what dose are you on?

(Takes MH Nurse hat off). As a wife of 22 years, who has spent 22 years with husband, but last week, after over a year of feeling neglected, rejected, and being treated as a piece of shit on my husband's shoes, chucked him out, let me tell you this: You need to put yourself first. You say "it hurts like fuck". OK - you have every right to feel hurt, you have no reason to justify this to us, to ask us permission to feel this way. You feel like this - end of.

My breaking point was finding that my teenage daughter (and since found out younger teenage daughter) felt uncomfortable with their dad around. He had been watching teenage porn (really degrading stuff) on family computer and his phone, and leaving the links available - so they were only a click away. Both found this. Eldest daughter (16) told me that she hated having him around, and that she didn't like the way he looked at her friends. This was my dealbreaking moment.

Is this yours? Think about that - can you really live with this man again? Listen to your instincts, lean on us - and do what is best for you. You are not in the wrong here - he is. What do you want?

Love, how on earth are you managing to see her FB? Cut all links of communication to her please, it's madness.

IF she were a decent person, knowing what she now knows about you and him, she would have at least restricted the view, to only HER friends and family.

But let her get on with her life, she is nothing to do with you, and she is not the one that hurt you. Break the FB links and try to forget her.

Citalopram, IIRC, is good for anxiety, panic and nervy stress. It's is good at what it does, but there is no magic pill to stop this kind of pain. All ADs just take the edge off, they don't actually treat it, or make it go away.

it's like nicotine replacement stuff, none of it will prevent you from smoking, YOU have to do that, all nicotinell etc will do is to dull the edges of the addiction, to give you a slightly more even playing field against the chemicals you are addicted to.

This situation is going to hurt, it kind of has to, you are mourning the loss of more than just a partner, you are grieving for what might have been, what could have been, if this guy didn't muck it all up.

Keep talking to us, vent and cry and pour out your heart to us, keep communicating, don't retreat into a shell, we'll steady your hand anytime you need it. It'll start to feel a bit better soon.

Good God Saffysmum!, how strong are you? that must have taken some doing! Hats off though, I think you have done the right thing.

Jesus!

Thanks HerHissyness - it wasn't easy - but I'm not really strong - I just knew that enough was enough.

You are right that Citalopram is like papering over the cracks - the cracks need mending. But sometimes we aren't strong enough to sort out the cracks (if you see what I mean) so the ADs help until we can. But at the end of the day, until you sort out the underlying problem, nothing is resolved. However, some people have depression because they have low seretonin, so it's like diabetes, or high blood pressure - the AD's are crucial to their mental health - it's like a deficiency, something chemical that needs fixing. Other people have depression because of their lives, what they are coping with - these people need to sort the underlying issues. I just wonder about Krissy, and whether she is taking her Ads because of what she's coping with, or because of her chemical make-up. Either way, talking is wonderful - spilling all to us is more helpful than everything. XX Keep posting Krissy - we are all on your side.

Thnyou so much i really appreciate all of your eforts ..... the anti ds well to be honest the doctor told me even when i was with him that i mat well have been depressed all my life i have always had serious issues as a young girl had OCD anorexia and self harming many men have abandoned me so hence why iu was so desperate to hang on to this one did not want another thing to go wrong.

I think this is the reason why i have used alcohol but the relationshop has not helped because that also made me distressed even just the constant threat of him leaving me all the time as he kept saying he would every five minutes .

It may sound like i was a handfull but with him i tried so hard to make it work cos every other relationship has gone wrong i did not want this one to

I just cant seem to sort my head out at all

I just need to add that the doc has said i have low serationin so i need to take the tablets which i have noit been doing cos i felt ok up until he left its like he was a plaster for it but obvioulsly what have been going through with him has also made me lose and doubt myself and lose self essteem completely i live only for him right now and clearly that has added to the depression i suppose even an no depressed person would become so in a somethims abusive relationship

so there is not much hope for me really is there

OK tough love here then...

Your Dr says you have low serotonin. So like a diabetic, you have to take meds, if you have a headache, or thyroid condition or whatever, you need treatment. Please take the tablets?

I have read in places that doctors are divided on the whole chemical nature of depression, whether it's an imbalance that causes the depressive thinking, or if the depressive thinking causes the imbalance. Either way the situation is the same, meds to stabilise, talking therapy, and ideally cognitive behavioural therapy, and time.

My X used to use the I'll leave you as his greatest weapon. Now I have said, Off you pop then, don't let the door slam you on the arse.. Once I decided that I'd had enough, that was it, decision made. Actually it was easy. The hard bit was sticking to it. He manipulated me like mad, but I stuck to my guns and he has gone. Thank. God. I worshipped this person, I thought he was my saviour, I thought he was a living god on earth. I longed to be considered his GF, and would have sold my soul to be with him.

Sadly, the phrase 'Be Careful what you wish for' fell on deaf ears. I have really suffered these past 10 years, it has been real hell and 'Be Careful what you wish for' was on a frigging loop in my head for weeks at one point. That and the song Once in a Lifetime by Talking Heads. My nickname used to be Groundhog.... no prizes for guessing why!

I can tell you the hardest thing to do is to THINK about letting go, to make the decision. Once you have brought yourself into reality and realise that this is the only sensible option, that it has to be done, or indeed already IS done, everything gets a little easier.

When you are in an unhealthy relationship (and it certainly sounds like you were) you feel that the end of the world would be that he leaves, that you will crumble, you will be nothing and people will judge.

People we love are supposed to help make us feel better in some ways, they support us, care for us and make sure we know they love/care for them.

when someone starts lording stuff over you, when they threaten to leave you constantly, cheat, moan, get rough whatever they are NOT caring for us, and they are actually harming us. This guy I assume knows your background, knows how scared you are of being left, and THIS is the threat he selects to manipulate you? Bastard. For that alone, a swift kick in the balls tbh.

There is more hope for you than there is him. You can recover, you ARE a good person, he is a shit.

You may be down at the moment, but you can get better.

He will always be a shit.

I would rather be alone the rest of my life than spend another second with anyone ever again after that. Being alone is GREAT! At least the only person to piss on your day is your own self!

You have been through hell too by the sounds of it and are so much stronger for it did it take you a long time to heal since you were so obviously completley wrapped up in this guy.

Your so right he knew how scared i was of being left and thats what he wanted to do all the time ..... i have now decided he can fuck off i feel a little better today a little bit like my old self thank god a little of my ambition is starting to creep back and am starting to relaise that would never happen so long as i am with him someone who changes the goal posts all the time.

I have always been prtty insecure so held on for dear life in the hope that i would be secure. Ironicly i have never been so unstable in my life as in this relationship with the constant threat of being left etc.

even if i wasnt depressed i probably would become that way having been with him for 5 years he has driven me to the point of breakdown and its only when he leaves that i have a melt down everytime its like i have the strength to hold it together when he is in my life like he is god almighty am sick of someone having this control over me

And is it possible that i was drinking all the time to escape not that i can blame another for my shit but i do feel that is the case

Please don't beat yourself up. I know that is hard, but you have to forgive yourself for some of the decisions you have made.

You have decided that he can fuck off, and already you feel a little bit stronger! You see? This old bird may have had a point! Sure you will have wobbles, but just remember WHY you want him to fuck off, remember all the shitty things he has done, and remind yourself that he chose to do them out of spite/sport or just to make himself feel all powerful.

You may well find that this charming man is the majority cause of your depression today, and once you forgive yourself and put yourself in the place you ought to be, in FIRST PLACE, then you will recover. How can you possibly rise to the top with with this pair of concrete boots constantly pulling you back down?

X left 3m ago. I'm a work in progress, but without him here I can breathe, I can live and I can choose to to what I want to do. It's wonderful. I don't care the childcare is all on my shoulders, (it always was tbh), I don't care that I can't go out, DS and I are better than we have been ever!

Take it one day at a time. Remember that today was a good day. Write it down! If tomorrow is a bad day, remind yourself that you HAD a good day and you can HAVE another good day sometime! ha ha ha, depression is losing it's grip on you already, I can see it!

The drink was an escape, it always is. the dope in egypt was for me, I drank a bit here too, but not much now, it'll sort itself out as long as you are honest with yourself and mindful of what you are doing. Take care of you.

Thanks it sounds like we have had similar situations

Today i had a good moring then felt like shit again all afternnoon just made myself unavaliable to him and his mother thats all i did i realise i have always put him first and have lived for him

I spoke to an old friend today and she could not believe how i am she knows me as a kind girl but as a stong person with an opinion and would not take this shit not half of it at least... she said i am certainlly not someone who stayed with a man they knew did not want to be with them. tahts who i have become though and five years ius a long time of trying to please someone.

Later on i did some snooping and found a sex website he joined up to last year when were split seeking sex and fun with other women whislt telling me that even though we were split i was the only one for him and then he came back to me he revealed sex fantasies that i dont know so great i never knew the cunt did i

Maybe i am nurotic but am seeking to know the full picture as have never though of him as this at all noting like this was him texting other women etc and of course he is fucking seeing if not fucking the other woman you sont text i love you think about you all the time to a work mate that you can even smell if its nothing do you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the old me would have blammed myself ie hes not getting enbough sex at home as he stated he had a high sex drive in the profile. However at the time he was saying he would not need to go to another woman for sex as could get good sex from me !!!!!!liar bastard prick and i care about his sorry fucking arse so much what a waste of fucking time he has ruined my fucking life but i cant say that to him cos he will just shout me down tell me im wrong or whatever cos i cant have an opinion

Course he has something going on with this other bitch i guess i loook like a total dumb fuck because he even lies to my face about the tets i have read

and even after all I STILL LOVE THIS PERSON WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

I can now realise five weeks on that my relationship with this man has been my sole and only reason for living i have given mysef completely o the point where my personality has totaly gone

He was my complete world and being with him was enough no matter how shit it was i was willing to put up with ANYTHING just to have him because i love him more than i have ever loved before

Everything that logic suggests ie dont be with someone wo hits you falls on deaf ears cos the love is still there in my heart i feel stuck in that isolated lonley plave without him thats why i would never leave and would go back tomorrow to end this pain anything to end the pain thats why i got back together so many times.

I guess when i met him i was independent now as he says i am a bennfit scrounger ......... i never claimed a penny in bennifits before i met him he convinced me to go on them. All of the drive and ambition i had before has gone into him to keep him at any cost. Now he has gone i am a lost soul and just feel so empty

You have not been living for HIM, you have been living for the snippets of approval, affection he has decided to bestow on you in his nice phase. It's THAT you're chasing, THAT'S the addicition. Not him.

You are not empty, you are uncluttered. Please don't turn this against you. Please get the Lundy book, you really need to see that this was not your fault.

Just dropping in again OP.

How much more are you going to put yourself through OP? You know now that you have fallen in love with the wrong man - it happens to most of us at some time and it's not something you need to beat yourself up about.

you don't have to stop loving him to stop living in the relationship, even in your head. You can break free even while you still love him. It's sad but true that you can't always choose who you fall in love with, but you can choose to do something about being in a relationship which isn't good for you.

Keep talking to friends who know you as an independent woman and you will gain more strength from that.

keep going, you can do this.

Thanks I have finaly managed to get a small snip of my old self back I suddenly feel drive towards the goals i had before meeting him.....i have always up until now