Please Help-- Advice needed re Emotional Affair is he seeing her i am sooo confused !!!!

[krissydw1]

Sorry for all if this message is long I just dont know what to think or believe anymore and need some perspective on the situation

My ex partner and father of my twins left me a week a go saying he didnt love me anymore etc . We have had problems and have broken up four previous times he always did the leaving saying he was unhappy with his life didnt want to be with me because i irritate him drink wine in the evenings etc he has hit me several times and i begged him back. All the other times he has returned saying he still loves me but later in a row says he wishes he was not with me then the next day he loves me so have been thinking he is happy but he isnt.

Anyways recently we set up a business started talking about a futire doing it together etc i asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he said he did. This same night he came home drunk and we had a massive row. I logged in to his fb and found out he was saying to a woman he works with he does not want to be with me he hates me and wants to leave but cant leave his kids and dreams about being with her. The next day i asked him of he loved me and to cut a long story short said yes. I did not mention that i know

Afew days later i was away and we spoke on the phone and textes he told me he loves me etc. Later that evening i loged on again to his fb bot expecting to find anything as i assumed the later contact was just venting after our row. What i found made me sick to my stomach messages to this woman saying he had to delete her coments cos i was asking questions about her that he hates me thinks about her everyday can even smell her. She responded with similar things gonna go to bed and dream about you etc and i dont want you to arguee with HER so will only text you on the mobile.

Two days later i went home and asked him if there was anything going on with her as have been asking for about a month before even finding anything because i had a feeling he said he loves me nothing going on etc. I could not let it go cos i know what i had read but did not want him to know that i had been snooping. Anyways he kept denying anything was going on. THE next day he was going on a works do with her and i kept asking him not to go because i thought something was going on he left me that day saying we just dont work etc maybe we dont but it seems that he was still prepared to work at it before he said we have just come to the end of the road etc. During the last three days leading up to this his phone had been stuck to him which it usualy isnt.

a WEEK LATER HE CAME OVER AND I GOT HIS PHONE LOADS OF TEXTS BETWEEN THEM HE SAID I LOVE YOU TO BABE WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I COULD TOUCH YOU THE OTHERS I DID NOT TAKE IT WAS IN SHOCK.

So i then went and confronted him i said why didnt you tell me there was something going on between you and her he went silent had a go at me for looking at his phone and said we are not together anymore so its nothing to do with you i asked to know what is going on and he said its not what i think he just felt sorry for her and after they went out for a drink he realises she is to needy for him that they are not together he does not want nothing to do with a married woman but at the same time says he left when he did cos he didnt want to lie but was gonna leave anyways. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I keep asking if he is with her and he keeps saying no but its nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! well maybe its not now but it kinda is cos they were carying on when we were together!!!!!

I just dont know what to think sorry for the long message

Krissy, this man can't fix you or make you better. Actually, not just because he's a shit (which he is), but because no other person can fix you and make you better by being your partner. You have to fix yourself.
Your first priority has to be finding a proper counsellor, go to your GP and ask to be referred. But don't talk to your XP about it, cut him off apart from necessary communication about the children and finances.

"Yeah basicly if i give him the slightest hint that i am not hunky dorry he gets pissed off at me pissed off for beinng heavy all the time he keeps saying why cant you just be light hearted and crack a joke."

You do know this is emotional abuse don't you? That's why you are so confused.

I have been there - the best advice is to try to detach, and keep trying to detach. Look for some outside help. You need some sort of counselling to get past this.

Is that really emotionnal abuse getting pissed off at me for being down ?? then saying why cant you be light hearted i thought it was just him wanting an easy life

I am gonna go to the docs tomorrow have been taking citalopram that i had for my post natal depression but it makes me feel so spaced out and wierd i cant bare to take it

newnamethistime were you in a similar situation so battered down that you lost your self ?
How did you get you back

Yes - I have children though and when his behaviour started to affect them I 'realised' that something was wrong. And that it was not me.

I slowly realised that something was not right - because I was always always always wrong. I kept telling him, how can I always be wrong?
Then when he threatened our child physically the penny started to drop. I posted here (different name) and started making changes.

I started therapy, and that has really helped.

Have a look here

i guess i am so fucked in the head or hung up on him that i even put HIM before the kids always how bad is that i used to be such a caring person will have a look thanks xx

Just had a look at a website about how to deal with impossible people so interesting

Understand that it's not you, it's them. This can be surprisingly difficult, considering that impossible people have complete mastery of blaming skills. If you're dealing with an impossible person, you're probably being told on a regular basis that every conceivable thing is your fault. It isn't. As the saying goes, "It takes two to tango." Chances are, the more often they blame you, the more they themselves are actually at fault. Keep in mind that this is not to be used as a way to blame them. Blaming is what impossible people do, and they do it well. Instead, you are only facing the facts, for your own sake. That being said, here's a simple way to tell: If you accept responsibility for your own faults and resolve to improve yourself, it's probably not you. Remember, impossible people "can do no wrong."

The most strange thing in all this is i am the sort of person who blames my self for everything ever problem everything and he is putting all the blame on me and then saying i cant accept that i have ever done anything wrong when I always blame myself for everything very weird

Sorry there are many better links than the one I posted. Just google 'emotional abuse' - I'm sure you will find yourself in there somewhere. It can take a bit of time to come to terms with. Sorry, I didn't realise you had children (missed that somehow). But it is something important to think about.

Thats OK yes i have twins

Pedrhaps the reason i am struggling to get my head around all this is because it does not feel real at all its so surreal all this other woman thing when three weeks he was saying i love you all the time.

I didnt think that he would even look at another woman thats what i thought of him

Also i am not being givedn permission to take the facts whats there in black and white and beleive my version of the truth therefore i am seemly believing what he is telling me. For some fucked up reason and my morals are not like that even if there is a sniff of cheating i am out let alone reading i love you to babe wish you were here so i could what ever too you i have just believed him i cant undertand WHY

oDDLY ENOUGH HE ALWAYS SAYS THAT I EMOTIONALY ABUSE HIM....BY GOING ON NAGGING GOING OVER THE SAME THING I HAVE EMOTIONALY ABUSED HIM APPARENTLY....THOUGH I AM ALWAYS THE ONE TRYING TO FIX EVERYTHING AND THE MORE HORRIBLE HE IS TO ME THE MORE I WOULD FUSS AROUND HIM LIKE AN IDIOT

abusers often project their bad behaviour onto their victims, it gives them a good feeling.

I wonder when you're going to realise that he's an absolute shit? You need to realise that, you know. He's a shit, and you deserve better. You kids deserve a LOT better.

krissy my XH was telling me he loved me right up to the day he finally left!

He said it to make himself feel better, not me, and to ease his very guilty conscience. I really wanted to believe him and it has taken a long time to accept that although he might still have felt affectionate towards me, it just wasn't enough to stop him from having an affair and leaving.

So please don't be so hard on yourself. Your H is bouncing you around like a rubber ball. He should do the kinder thing and just leave you alone. Sorry to say that, but it's true. YOu will recover alot faster if he can do that even if it hurts like hell in the short term. for you OP.

It really messes up your head when people say things they dont mean i cant bear it cos i cant fighure out where i stand. Today is the first day i have not spoke or texted him and am finding it hard but there is no point in asking anymore questions.

I am sending myself mad though trying to make sense of this texting with her do i believe him that is just a text affair cos he seems to think he hasnt lied to me but if he is inlove with her a week after leaving me then something must have been going on !!!????? i dont even know my own mind he told me he left when he did cos he didnt want to keep lying to me about her .....but when i said i was pissed off with the lying he said he hasnt lied.

Is it normal to be so obsessed and go over everything in your mind over and over and over my bain wont turn off argh and everytime i see him i feel compeled to look at his phone....will it do me anygood reading more texts between them i dont understand why i am behaving this way there is no logic to it at all what am i trying to hand onto

Maybe i am like this cos i have so let him dominate my emotions thats i dont have my own mind anymore feel like i am going mad

"Maybe i am like this cos i have so let him dominate my emotions thats i dont have my own mind anymore feel like i am going mad"

This is what has happened - you have been seeing everything from his perspective

You need some time to detach, and someone to talk things over with - someone that understands what you have been through.

You could call WA, and ask for their help. How you should handle things with your dc and access etc.
If you start taking control, focussing on YOU and your DC, you will start to feel stronger

Agree completely with newname.

also it is completely normal to go over and over things. This is what happens when someone has been traumatised like you have. It's how your mind comes to terms with what has happened. The same thing happens no matter what the trauma is - a car crash, burglary, assault, anything.

In time you will do this less and you will be able to concentrate on other important things. Paradoxically, the more you try not to think these things the more it focusses your mind on them. That's just the way it is. But you can do things to distract yourself. You could try putting a rubber band around your wrist and each time you find your mind is overwhelmed by these intrusive thoughts you ping the band against your wrist. It works, not for everybody, but worth a try maybe.

Your feelings are not logical OP. No-ones' are. if they were your H would behave logically and do the logical thing given what he has told you. You just have to go with them even though they are painful. But they, like these awful thoughts will fade if you give it time. I am telling you this because I know from experience and I'm not special in any way. Just someone who has been through it too.

What would be the logical thing for him to do just admit it i keep asking him and asking him to tell me if he is with her and he keeps saying he isnt shes married and its just a bit of fun well it seems all of a sudden he has decided he only loves me like a sister.

I cant bear anymore of going over and over it my mum thinks i have got OCD cos i keep going over the same thing again and again but she does not know about the other woman thing as well as this have had clinical depression for years perhaps why i did his head in so much i stopped taking my tablets cos they made me feel weird maybe if i had not stopped taking them i would not have gone on so much and irritated him

There is obviously something wrong with me right now i have become totaly obbsesed with him and have been for some time

In fact before i met him i had loads of drive and ambiton always achived lots of things since being in this relationship i have lost all my drive direction and self esstem have achived nothing

krissy what would you like to happen? You keep mentioning how you used to have drive and ambition, how you want to be bonded with your kids.
Why not make a list of WHAT YOU WANT?
so
(1) to work out why I am obsessed with him and can't leave this alone. This means outside ideas.
(2) To move on and re-find my former, fun self

And that might help you move onto what you need to DO for each one:

eg

(1) Got to GP and get counselling
(2) Stop seeing Ex and see other friends more

Hi all well i have got to say that even so i dont seem to be taking anything in or getting anybetter this board alone is giving me something it makes me feel so much better. Each day seems to be getting harder i miss him so much did not speak at all yesterday its all very surrel when three weeks ago he was tedlling me he loved me.

I keep blaming myself for reading those messages IF i hadnt of read them then maybe this wouldnt have happened i think it was just prob a causal meaning less thing for him but she kep texting himhence why he would nt let his phone out of his site but by nagging him if he was seeing her its almost made it worse i think.....he said after when we had split up and i found his phone that the reason he left was cos he couldnt keep lying to me about her but thats only the reason he left WHEN he did he wanted to leave me anyway that was just the last straw. Hes telling all my family that there is no thrid party he cant be with me now cos we are not compatible arguee to much in front of the kids etc he only loves me like a sister but still cares for me a lot.

Why cant i just let go why why why its this other woman thing complicating things i think for me anywyas did he he leave for her or is that just a coincidence like he says she is nothing in comparrison to the problems we have had

I wish i could just sort my head out

I just rang him to ask if she is the reason he left but hes already told me i dont know why i keep asking if i was near him now i would feel compelled to look at the phone and read texts will that help if i do that ??

krissy - you need to stop blaming yourself for this. He treated you badly and was not loving or kind towards you. You are now so low in confidence that you are trying to explain his behaviour as acceptable - when you know it was not.

You were not 'nagging' - you were trying to find out what was happening in your relationship. Ill tell you now - Im in a happy relationship and we dont keep secrets from each other, there is no secret flirting going on - and my partner puts my feelings before anything else. That is what you deserve.

He left because he doesnt love you enough - and that means he is not the right person for you. You were absolutely right to set boundaries for his behaviour - I wonder if you had a tough childhood/ experienced a broken home growing up? You seem to have very low self confidence and dont believe you deserve a proper happy relationship.

It doesnt matter why he left - the details don't matter - what matters is he isn't the man you need him to be - he isnt loving, kind or supportive to you. you can do better - seriously. You need to spend time with supportive friends and stop calling him.

You need to look at why you are prepared to be treated so badly - and why you expect so little from a relationship. I bet you are a lovely woman - you simply want a kind partner. I would suggest looking into counselling if you can afford it - look at the BACP website.

Well thats the problem he was also loving and kind and still is

I didnt have a bad child hood but grew up very lonley and isolated i think i was even depressed as a child spend most of my young adult life trying to prove how good i was by persuing a career in the music industry which didnt work out Put all of my energy into it set up busiensses with a guy who adored me had a band etc then one day he left disaperesd without a trace. To be honest i actualy treated him pretty badly so i dont really blame him then after about 6 months i met my current or now ex partner fell head over heels we were like kindered spirits and since then have put all my energy into keeping the relationship i did not want to be abandoned again.

I didnt really want children at all until i met himwas just driven and focused on my career even though it was a mess i suppose i just wanted my own life as have always felt very lonley and isolated dont have a big family friends all moved away there own lifes etc

When i found out i was pregnant i was happy even though things had certainly not been perfect i felt that i had met my soul mate and having my own family unit i would no longer be alone but he is a big part of that family unit to me without him i feel like i have nothing.

I just spoke to him again told him i really miss him he was like well it will b hard i kept saying i miss him and he was like oh........ no emotion i said i keep going over the other woman thing and keep thinking that if i hadnt found out you would not of left cos he told me he left cos he could not keep lying.

He said its nothing to do with her that he had left she is insignificant he decided he was going to leave after one particular row we had he decided then. I then said well why were we talking about a furture setting up a business etc then and he said it was just us carrying on ignoring the crack in the relationship he said i should have been nasty to you insted and then you would of known and i was like yeah i guess that would have been better i would have known where i stood then. However even now i know where i stand he does not want to contiune the relationship i just cant let go and i dont know how cos have held on to it for so long !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP he has told you that the OW isn't significant, and this may be him telling you the truth.

it is possible that she isn't important to him but nevertheless nor is his relationship with you, i'm sorry to say.

somewhere in all this rubbish you are trying to cope with he is telling you that for him this relationship is over. he isn't doing it kindly and he isn't doing it respectfully. but he is ending it. there is nothing you can do now but let him go.

lots of posters here are telling you this kindly and respectfully. They are reminding you that you are worth more than this and are asking you to try and think about why it is you believe you don't deserve something much better.

somewhere, in the future, there is someone who will love and treat you the way you want and deserve. but you will have to let go of this man before you can see that and allow yourself to heal from all this painful stuff. and you will, i promise.

The most strange thing in all this is i am the sort of person who blames my self for everything ever problem everything and he is putting all the blame on me and then saying i cant accept that i have ever done anything wrong when I always blame myself for everything very weird

That's not strange or weird. It's exactly as I would have predicted. You are the sort of woman an abuser just loves. He will never get enough of you, I bet he gets a hard on every time you accept that some crappy thing he's done isac your fault.

Krissy, can you go to your doctor again and tell them the Citalopram doesn't work for you. There are lots of other anti-depressants out there. Also tell them that your husband has hit you and you are separating and need support. I really feel you are so close to getting your life back, and a hand to hold is just what you need.

How old are your twins? It's really hard bonding with premature babies and with twins, when you are in a shite relationship that doesn't support you. But you can change that now. If you get this loser out of your head, you will be amazed at the room you have to love yourself and your babies.

my twins are nearky three niw and have never bonded and dont enjoy them at all even though the are lovely little thngs i have never had that bond never really played with them dont enjoy them feel vacant qll the time and have always put my energy on him

wisedupwoman doe you thing this woman may not be significant may just be a symptom of him trying to get out a release from the life he hates with me ??

Krissy - this man hits you, is not interested in your feelings, cheats on you and lies to you.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in a relationship with a man like that?

It won't get better, not ever. I can promise you it will get worse.

Please stop thinking about him and the OW and think about YOU. There is a life out there where you will be happy. You are nearly there. Get some real life help, keep posting, don't look back. It will get better.

OP i think this OW isn't significant because for some men like your H no women are significant - they are there to seduce and then punish for not resisting their seduction. She probably means more to you than she does to him.

Men who hate hit women are really very scared and angry. They can only feel safe when they have reduced the women they're with to the same state - and then they punish them some more for not being stronger. So you can't win. It's pointless trying to understand where you went wrong, because in truth what went wrong for your H happened a very long time ago before he even met you. YOu can't fix him. You can only fix yourself.

You are using valuable energy in trying to answer these questions. They won't help you get him back - he is gone and good fucking riddance.

To repeat what an earlier poster said so well:

he hit you

he hit you

he hit you

he hit you

Get angry about that. Get really, really angry. then tell him to piss off.

Sorry, Op, another thing occurred to me which might help.

I'd like to suggest you go back over all the posts you have received. Read them again but this time try reading the bits that you don't like to see. Pay particular attention to the bits you most want to skim over and ignore.

Then take some time to think about them.