Please Help-- Advice needed re Emotional Affair is he seeing her i am sooo confused !!!!

[krissydw1]

Sorry for all if this message is long I just dont know what to think or believe anymore and need some perspective on the situation

My ex partner and father of my twins left me a week a go saying he didnt love me anymore etc . We have had problems and have broken up four previous times he always did the leaving saying he was unhappy with his life didnt want to be with me because i irritate him drink wine in the evenings etc he has hit me several times and i begged him back. All the other times he has returned saying he still loves me but later in a row says he wishes he was not with me then the next day he loves me so have been thinking he is happy but he isnt.

Anyways recently we set up a business started talking about a futire doing it together etc i asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he said he did. This same night he came home drunk and we had a massive row. I logged in to his fb and found out he was saying to a woman he works with he does not want to be with me he hates me and wants to leave but cant leave his kids and dreams about being with her. The next day i asked him of he loved me and to cut a long story short said yes. I did not mention that i know

Afew days later i was away and we spoke on the phone and textes he told me he loves me etc. Later that evening i loged on again to his fb bot expecting to find anything as i assumed the later contact was just venting after our row. What i found made me sick to my stomach messages to this woman saying he had to delete her coments cos i was asking questions about her that he hates me thinks about her everyday can even smell her. She responded with similar things gonna go to bed and dream about you etc and i dont want you to arguee with HER so will only text you on the mobile.

Two days later i went home and asked him if there was anything going on with her as have been asking for about a month before even finding anything because i had a feeling he said he loves me nothing going on etc. I could not let it go cos i know what i had read but did not want him to know that i had been snooping. Anyways he kept denying anything was going on. THE next day he was going on a works do with her and i kept asking him not to go because i thought something was going on he left me that day saying we just dont work etc maybe we dont but it seems that he was still prepared to work at it before he said we have just come to the end of the road etc. During the last three days leading up to this his phone had been stuck to him which it usualy isnt.

a WEEK LATER HE CAME OVER AND I GOT HIS PHONE LOADS OF TEXTS BETWEEN THEM HE SAID I LOVE YOU TO BABE WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I COULD TOUCH YOU THE OTHERS I DID NOT TAKE IT WAS IN SHOCK.

So i then went and confronted him i said why didnt you tell me there was something going on between you and her he went silent had a go at me for looking at his phone and said we are not together anymore so its nothing to do with you i asked to know what is going on and he said its not what i think he just felt sorry for her and after they went out for a drink he realises she is to needy for him that they are not together he does not want nothing to do with a married woman but at the same time says he left when he did cos he didnt want to lie but was gonna leave anyways. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I keep asking if he is with her and he keeps saying no but its nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! well maybe its not now but it kinda is cos they were carying on when we were together!!!!!

I just dont know what to think sorry for the long message

Please contact a local women's organisation for RL support. Don't leave DCs with him - he will not be good for them, they need you and all your lives will be better if you can break free from him.

Thanks girls for all of your post am thinking of setting up a commune for single mums!!!
I am not doing so well though deep down feel that i have lost my world everytime we speak we get into a row cos i irritate him so much then i go and try and fix it totaly on edge until we resolve things like i have been throughout the relationship i guess. I dont know what is wrong with me and accept its over i should feel free and liberated but i dont i still think i need him want him have i lost the plot or something feel so weak needy and alone

I feel like i am losing the plot my whole world revolved around him and now he has gone i hand on to every word he says everytime we speak i anoy him we argue he tells me i am not normal and irritate him i fall to pieces and still try to fix it

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me i cant seem to see anything for what it is praps i have lost the plot

Ok krissydw hold still a while here.

First, your world wasn't such a great place to be, was it? It was crumbling around you from the moment your H gave himself the permission to treat you badly in all the ways you describe. YOu couldn't have stopped that no matter what you did or said. He was going to do this to you anyway. There would have been all sorts of signs way, way before this that he was going to treat you so badly. It is, to repeat a well-worn but very true phrase, NOT YOUR FAULT.

Second. He is irritated because he can't get you to join his story of you - which is how he can tell himself and you that it's your fault and up to you to fix - by what? Leaving him alone, running after him, falling apart, just getting on with your life without him? Whatever you do at the moment it won't be right for him because this man is a MESS and a true fuckwit. Do not believe what he tells you about yourself. It is not up to you to fix this relationship and sadly you can't, not by yourself. TBH it sounds like it's over anyway and why do you want to hang on to something which is patently so bad for you and your DC's? Where did you learn that you don't deserve someone who will treat you infinitely better than this prick?

Third. The sooner you get rid of this mistaken idea that you should or should not feel/do/be something other than what is right now, you'll begin to accept that what you're going through now is ENTIRELY TO BE EXPECTED given the shock to your system. All this "I should" stuff will make you feel worse, you just feel the way you feel and there is really no right or wrong way.

Last. You have not lost the plot. You are merely part of the plot that he made up. You feel like you have lost it because you didn't know what the fucking plot was until you discovered his betrayal (not to mention the DV - what a bastard).

So now you make up your own script with your storyline and you can take it wherever you want it to and it doesn't have to include him if you don't want it to.

The pain of separating from a relationship in which you have invested so much time and energy is beyond belief and it feels like it will never get better. But it does if you give yourself a chance. But only you can do that, in the same way as only your H could give himself permission to do what he has done.

Even by posting here you are doing something for yourself. It's important for you to see that. The little things you do will help you build a bigger and much more enriched future than the one on offer from your H.

Take a deep breath and then take a look back into your past, before this frankly worthless and unappealing man. What you are looking for is the point at which someone told you the Big Lie and made you believe it. The Big Lie is that a woman is nothing without a man and a man must be hung onto at any cost. You are doing yourself no good at all by trying to cling on desperately to an awful relationship with a man who abuses you and is probably cocklodging anyway. See a solicitor and sort out your rights re getting him out of your home, and then make yourself a promsie that you will be single for at least a year while you get some counselling and fix yourself some decent boundaries.
Best of luck.

Reminds me of the old chestnut about the class who were asked to add punctuation to the following sentence:

"woman without her man is nothing"

When the teacher gathered up the papers she found all the boys in the class had punctuated it thus:

"Woman, without her man, is nothing."

whilst all the girls had put

"Woman: without her, man is nothing."

Unfortunately in real life I imagine at least half the girls would have bought in to the first version.

Sorry, bit of a hijack there. As you were.

Thanks ladies once again for all of your great advice. It is hard well you cling on to something for so long even though you know it is wrong i cant understand the logic behind it but i would sort of ignore everything bad cos i didnt want it to be bad i even believe that the other woman is nothing even thoough i have seen the texts fb messages etc he had even made me believe that and keeps saying he hasnt lied why am i being moody when he is doing nothing wrong today after he got irritated with me for taking him the wrong way he phoned me and said he does not want to be like this with me its just when i have an attitude that he responds like that !!!! basicly if i wanted it to work i dont think it is possible to have my own beliefs and opinions.

I know i am probably co-odependent and everything you girls say makes sense i just feel stuck in this pattern of totaly obsessing with him.
Maybe the behaviour has been learnt over time as each time he would have an issue or fuck something up I would do my best to try and be there and try and sort what ever it was.

Being that he is even denying now that he has even lied to me how do i handle him. I have to see him as he works at my parents business and for the kids . Should i just talk about bollocks and let him believe what he wants becasue i have treid and tired to say how would he feel if he was sending those message to another woman and he just says it was nothing or he was not with me anyway etcetc ........is it even worth trying to convince him of how he has hurt me i dont think so.

Also people keep mentioning RL what is that please ????

Many Thanks

He's not another one of your DC's OP. He's an adult and can sort his own stuff out - in fact the more you sort stuff out for him the more resentful he's likely to become and you give him the ammunition to attack you again.

RL is Real Life.

This is one possible way of handling him.

You can handle him by deciding on your own version of what he's being doing, what ever that may be and then you stick to it. From what you have posted here he has assaulted you and he has been verbally abusive, he has been having an affair and he has lied to you.

Another would be to accept his version that it's your fault for everything he does/does not do and that you can't live without him (although you are living without him because where the fuck is he).

Ask yourself what the next year holds for you if you go with the first, the second or another way of handling him. Trying to convince him of the hurt he has caused is a waste of time - he is not hearing that. You'd do better perhaps to tell him that because he's hurt you so much you have decided he can fuck off. (sorry OP - I'm furious on your behalf - wish I could give you some of it to use for your own good).

What would your parents say if they knew, or do they know already? It must be torture having him so in your face like that. No wonder you're so confused.

And ask yourself what advice you'd give a good friend if she told you the exact same story.

RL means real life.

Your partner is guilty and rather than admit it he is turning around and blaming you, even now you are taking responsibility for him being an asshole.

He is just a waste you don't need him.

Thanks again wised up wopman thanks for your time i know am being needy and weak and reaching out for help you are so nice and am so greateful

I guess i take responsibitity because he wont fucking accept it no matter what i say i may as well smash my head against the wall cos he even says he hasnt lied to me even though he knows he has !!!!

I dont get it really cant get my head around it its the lying and the other liason woman whatever it is that is doing my brain in so much i keep asking if he is with her and he keeps denying it i just want the truth but dont supose i will ever get it.

I just told my parents we have broken uo cos we dont get on his story.... he has told my dad he has left cos all we do is arguee in front of the kids so its best not to put them through it

A galklant excuse for him

I feel like such a selfish bitch i just cant seem to stop mopoing about and am in such a daze looking for answers and asking for them but i suppose asking him for them just makes me even more confused and keave more to analise

He wont even let me ignore him if he comes round and i give one word answers he digs me for whats wrong till i pour my emotions out and end up sobbing

One thing i have just realised is e is so stupid that even though i told him i have logged into his fb he thinks i only read the first conversation between them which was just him moaning about me. The second one which said stuff like i need to change facebook cos she is asking about you just to shut her up i think about you every day from the moment i wake up i can even smell you is this healthy etc etc and he has the gaul to tell me nothing is going on am getting angry within my self but there is not point telling him cos he will just bounce it back at me, Cos no wonder he had to go to her cos living with me was hell was it !!! was being cooked for and looked after such hell if it is then i hope he will go and blame all the worlds shit on this other bitch

Thanks again wised up wopman thanks for your time i know am being needy and weak and reaching out for help you are so nice and am so greateful

I guess i take responsibitity because he wont fucking accept it no matter what i say i may as well smash my head against the wall cos he even says he hasnt lied to me even though he knows he has !!!!

I dont get it really cant get my head around it its the lying and the other liason woman whatever it is that is doing my brain in so much i keep asking if he is with her and he keeps denying it i just want the truth but dont supose i will ever get it.

I just told my parents we have broken uo cos we dont get on his story.... he has told my dad he has left cos all we do is arguee in front of the kids so its best not to put them through it

A galklant excuse for him

I feel like such a selfish bitch i just cant seem to stop mopoing about and am in such a daze looking for answers and asking for them but i suppose asking him for them just makes me even more confused and keave more to analise

He wont even let me ignore him if he comes round and i give one word answers he digs me for whats wrong till i pour my emotions out and end up sobbing

op to put it bluntly you need to stop moping after this dickhead and move on for the sake of your dc's. Can you imagine if you got back with him? it will be the same old shit and he seriously isn't worth it the lying arsehole. He's been caught and he knows it, it's easier to put the blame on you which probably in his sick and twisted way makes him feel better and he's probably loving the fact that you are 'crying' over him.

Can you not take the dc's round your parents house and he can see them there? completely cut him off and only have contact with him about your dc's

You are not needy and weak. You are doing the right thing and asking for help because you need it to help you make sense of what's happening here.

The only responsibility which is yours to take is for yourself and your DC's. That's it. End of.

You will waste precious time and energy in trying to make him accept what he doesn't want to accept. This is sad, but true in circumstances like these.

You will also only stay just as connected to him by trying to figure out the truth about the OW - she exists, they are having an affair and there is nothing you can do about that, I'm sorry to say.

Do not protect this man from the consequences of his actions. That is just more taking responsibility for him. Tell your parents your version of things (the full one, not the edited one your H has told them) and let them make their own minds up. Are you telling me that they will back him rather than you if you tell them what has been happening?

Is it helpful for you to continue berating yourself in such a way? Does it make a bit of difference to him that you do this?

Something that often is suggested on these threads is that first of all you have to act in a detached way in front of your H even though inside you feel like you are dying. I can tell you that it really does help. If you can try this, just being very cool and offhand and business-like about the children and maintenance and stuff and don't talk about anything else your H will soon see that you can stand on your own two feet without him. He will start to see you differently and in time will show you some respect because you absolutely deserve this at the very least - you are the mother of his DC's.

You sound quite young OP - can you say how old you are? (apologies if i've got that wrong, everybody sounds young to me these days!)

hello thanks again i am 30 just turned you are all so strong and wise

I dont know why i can just let go and move on probably cos feel so lonley and isolated without him thats what co-odependent relationships do. Its strange that over time i have almost turned into him and i was the one with a life when we met. Not now I am the fool left he crying and feeling lost while he is just getting on with it how do people do that just turn off???

Seeing all these happy families together on easter weekend i was holding on to the notion of being a happy family i think cos when we got on we got on really well. Like i had blinkers on and just ignored all the bad stuff.

Hi krissydw

You know what? I'm willing to bet that the posters who have responded to your thread don't think of themselves only as strong and wise (I know I don't).

Some of them like me, are speaking from experience and they will know that they (and me) had to learn to ACT in a detached way when H's did the dirty. They will know what it's like to hurt in a way they would never have thought possible. So try not to compare yourself, it's not helpful to you to do this is it? It only makes you feel even more useless and weak (but you're not).

You will let go because you have to - for yourself and your DC's. It is only when your H realises that he has lost you for good that he is likely to change how he is with you (and sadly, there are no guarantees that this will happen).

You can do something about this loneliness, which in fact is more about how shocked and confused you are at the moment. Use family and friends, speak to your GP, get her to refer you for some counselling, be nice to yourself, just do whatever you can to look after yourself.

You say you have turned into him - I don't know what you mean but if you are saying that you are beginning to seehim as the weak, pathetic and nasty individual that he is then that is GOOD. Hang on to that because it will help you see the games he plays with you.

And what exactly is he getting on with? Fucking up his life and some OW. Well, sorry as I am to say this but rather her than you. You don't see it yet but he is doing you and your DC's a massive favour.

Ask yourself about the times when you really got on. Were you on tenterhooks just waiting for him to turn so that you couldn't truly relax and enjoy these times? Could you really just forget or ignore his appalling behaviour?

There is no such thing as the ideal family. All families struggle with hard times you only see what you want to see and compare this with what you are going through -so everybody looks to be much happier and sorted than you. this is not reality krissy. Please stop making unhelpful comparisons and get those blinkers off!!!!!!!

Hi there thanks wised uo woman toady more things were revealed i had to go to work with him and my parents helping them move the factory around did not know he was gonna be helping.I spent the whole day telling him i miss him andn its hard without him he was pretty much nice to me and understanding saying he thinks i am cool and sorted just as a friend we had a bit of a laugh i asked him if something was going on with the other woman he said no then i went and checked his phone again texts from her

saying thanks for our romantic night
I miss my man
Its a beautiful morning i miss you

He said in response
Mornign beautiful sorry i missed you last night my phone was turned of i love you too babe

I confronted him and asked him to tell me the truth he looked at me and said i cant tell you you wont understand i said pleas eplease tell me he basicly said its just a twxt relationshipo they send each other sexy texts and he likes it as things have been so shit its like a fantasy hes not shagging her etc

i SAID IT WOULD HELP ME MOVE ON IF YOU JUST TOLD ME AND HE SAID I AM NOT GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING IS GONING ON WHEN THERE ISNT ITS NOTHING

I dont know what to think i really do actualy believe him i think he is telling the truth we talked in lenght about it BUT HE said he does not want to be with me i make him unhappy and do i really want to be with him when he will be back with me papering over the cuts and then nasty to me in a few months he says he will not be happy if he comes back to me so do i focus on the affair or do i just let him go the affair thing is doing my nut in its easier to believe he just does not want me

I asked him if being with her is making it easier to move on but he is adamant he is not with her i just irritate and annoy him

what do i believe for the best

krissy you are not reading the posts are you?

I'm going to say something that you may find unkind but I don't mean it like that.

He made his phone available enough for you to read the texts. He wants you to see them. And you did. What else do you need to do for him to tell you even more blatantly that he is shagging her - do you need to catch them at it? Will you believe it then?

But alright, lets say that this OW doesn't exist and you are going by what he is telling you about how he feels about you.

He wants you as a 'friend' because you're 'cool'. He tells you he thinks your relationship is shit. He tells you he doesn't want to be with you anymore. He tells you that you irritate and annoy him.

That in itself should be enough evidence for you to see that he wants out and there is nothing you can do or say to change that. By begging and pleading with him you are demeaning yourself and making it harder for yourself to accept that he is already gone.

Get yourself some real life help. You are going to make yourself ill if you don't find someone to support you through this.

You don't seem ready to accept the obvious. Maybe, as you think of yourself as co-dependent, you haven't hit rock bottom yet and things need to get much worse before you finally come to the sad conclusion that you are flogging a dead horse with this man.

But you have got to think of your DC's in all this and what they need from you. If nothing else you must put their needs above your own and they need a mum who can focus on them now.

Who cares if he is actually shagging her?

He has betrayed you emotionally.

He is abusing you emotionally.

He has physically abused you.

Would you stand by and let anyone treat your children like that?

If you stay with him, your children will believe that is acceptable behaviour and will end up living your life with another coward of a man like this.

Better to be lonely than do this to yourself and to do this to your children.

Tell him the only conversation you will ever be having with him will be regarding the children and that your life is nothing to do with him anymore.

You can do this.

Supposing he does admit to it. What difference does it make? He'll only blame you for "making" him fancy someone else. The affair, which it is even if it's only by text (unlikely!), is only a symptom of his total lack of respect and care for you.

Do you feel you can't get angry with him, or don't have a right to, unless he has been unfaithful? There are other horrible things adults can do to each other and he's already done most of them.

If I were your counsellor I think I'd suggest that you stand in front of a mirror, when you're on your own and the kids can't hear you, and practise shouting "How dare he! How dare he do that to me!" Think back if you can to something he did that you have tried to forgive but never quite managed to, even if it's something little and petty. Maybe you'd just washed the floor and he walked in wearing dirty shoes, and laughed when you objected. Maybe he didn't get you a birthday present one year. Or maybe he lied to you about seeing another woman when you have just read a text exchange that proved he had. Whatever it is, he would make you believe you are wrong and over-reacting, but he is not there, it's just you and the mirror and you can be as angry as you want to.

Did somebody, your parents perhaps, tell you when you were little that you should never let your anger out? Sometimes it's healthy to do it, you know.

krissy please read the last two posters again and again. They are right.

Let the selfish twat go and do what he wants.

Hi girls no i don't think i am ready to accept the obvious i am still in shock i guess and so hurt. The only reason i really want to know about this other woman is because i want to know if he only does not want me or now feels this way because of her but i suppose it does not really matter.

He has said that she made him feel good and a release when he was feeling shit a bit of fun and fantasty the more i have done his head in the more he has warmed to her etc so even if i did find out more he would prob just blame me.
I could get a report of all the text sent on the phone but dont really see the point would just drive my self more mad.

I do sort of feel that i cant get angry cos if i wasnt this way or that way we would have worked or if i had made more of an effort not to fall into domestic boringness then he would have not gone to her. But i did try

I know i shoud be glad hes gone but i am not feel stuck in our home ratteling around the pain is getting worse

He's hit you.
He's hit you
He's hit you
He's hit you

more than once.

Really, that's all that matters.

He is a waste of space and in a few months, if you can manage that, you will feel better.

You need therapy - to find out why you think you are worth so little that you would want someone that has hit you.