Please Help-- Advice needed re Emotional Affair is he seeing her i am sooo confused !!!!

[krissydw1]

Sorry for all if this message is long I just dont know what to think or believe anymore and need some perspective on the situation

My ex partner and father of my twins left me a week a go saying he didnt love me anymore etc . We have had problems and have broken up four previous times he always did the leaving saying he was unhappy with his life didnt want to be with me because i irritate him drink wine in the evenings etc he has hit me several times and i begged him back. All the other times he has returned saying he still loves me but later in a row says he wishes he was not with me then the next day he loves me so have been thinking he is happy but he isnt.

Anyways recently we set up a business started talking about a futire doing it together etc i asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he said he did. This same night he came home drunk and we had a massive row. I logged in to his fb and found out he was saying to a woman he works with he does not want to be with me he hates me and wants to leave but cant leave his kids and dreams about being with her. The next day i asked him of he loved me and to cut a long story short said yes. I did not mention that i know

Afew days later i was away and we spoke on the phone and textes he told me he loves me etc. Later that evening i loged on again to his fb bot expecting to find anything as i assumed the later contact was just venting after our row. What i found made me sick to my stomach messages to this woman saying he had to delete her coments cos i was asking questions about her that he hates me thinks about her everyday can even smell her. She responded with similar things gonna go to bed and dream about you etc and i dont want you to arguee with HER so will only text you on the mobile.

Two days later i went home and asked him if there was anything going on with her as have been asking for about a month before even finding anything because i had a feeling he said he loves me nothing going on etc. I could not let it go cos i know what i had read but did not want him to know that i had been snooping. Anyways he kept denying anything was going on. THE next day he was going on a works do with her and i kept asking him not to go because i thought something was going on he left me that day saying we just dont work etc maybe we dont but it seems that he was still prepared to work at it before he said we have just come to the end of the road etc. During the last three days leading up to this his phone had been stuck to him which it usualy isnt.

a WEEK LATER HE CAME OVER AND I GOT HIS PHONE LOADS OF TEXTS BETWEEN THEM HE SAID I LOVE YOU TO BABE WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I COULD TOUCH YOU THE OTHERS I DID NOT TAKE IT WAS IN SHOCK.

So i then went and confronted him i said why didnt you tell me there was something going on between you and her he went silent had a go at me for looking at his phone and said we are not together anymore so its nothing to do with you i asked to know what is going on and he said its not what i think he just felt sorry for her and after they went out for a drink he realises she is to needy for him that they are not together he does not want nothing to do with a married woman but at the same time says he left when he did cos he didnt want to lie but was gonna leave anyways. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I keep asking if he is with her and he keeps saying no but its nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! well maybe its not now but it kinda is cos they were carying on when we were together!!!!!

I just dont know what to think sorry for the long message

i know you are all right i just reel so low and depressed have no interest in anything i cant help but think the kids would be better of without me cos i am so low at the moment

OP, please spend some time calmly thinking about all this....step away from the emotions for a moment and think about your children.
Children need stability and safety, number one priority.
You say that you have split up with him on several occasions and then got back together.
You say that he has hit you several times.
You say that he has not bonded with your children.
The above factors mean that the children are at risk of being brought up in an environment that is HUGELY emotionally damaging for them. There is lots of research out there that shows that living in a family environment of domestic violence, instability, arguments and emotional stress can result in children becoming stressed and even traumatised, leading to behavioural problems, problems at school, possible mental health problems etc etc.
I know I am sounding harsh and this is a hard thing to hear when your emotions are making you yearn for this relationship, but you and your children deserve better than this.
Please take some emotional distance and think about what will be best for you and your children.

Your children need you more than ever right now.
The pain will ease, just take one day at a time.
Focus on your children.

Sorry i may have written wrong before he has really bonded with the children it me that hasnt. Sometimes i think i would feel differently if i have time to miss them but i am not being a very good mum right now am just so depressed

Even if he does have a bond with the children that doesn't alter the potential damage that could be done to them if the situation carries on.

Talk to someone at Women's Aid re the way forwards.....and talk to your GP re the depression.

You don't have to carry on like this.

well i have had a really rubbish couple of days feeling really sad and down
today he changed his facebbok profile to single we have been split up just over two weeks so why did he only do it today. I have sobbed and sobbed since i have seen that. He keeps saying all we did was arguee but we werent even arguing that much in the couple of weeks before he left we didnt even arguee he was to busy ignoring me and looking at his phone but is telling everyone that all we did was arguee i thought we we getting on quite welll

And the other woman out she likes his newley single status you love someone for five years and then you mean nothing they just turn off their feelings how does that work

I just called him cos I miss him so much he just keeps saying we both tried and it didn't work and he left because we kept arguing we didn't even argued before he left just had discusions I know him and the ow were texting all that week and then he just sudenly left he keeps saying that she is nothing but why did he leave then after planning a future why do that he said he was just pappering over the cracks trying to carry on. I just can't seem to let go I can't just shut my emotions down when does this heartache stop

Heartache begins to heal when you give yourself the chance to accept when it's over.

It's that simple. I'm sorry but it's true.

I DID THAT TODAY AND I SOBBED MY HEART OUT
I KNOW ITS OVER NOW

ALTHOUGH I M MISS HIM LIKE HELL I MISS HIS BEAR HUGS HIS LOVELY HUGS HIS SMELL HIS ATTENETION

WHEN WE SPOKE TODAY WE HAD A DEEP CONVERSATION FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE WE HAVE BROKE UP HE SAID THAT EVEN IF HE MISSED ME HE WOULD NOT TELL ME BECAUSE HE CANT COME BACK AND END UP TREATING ME LIKE SHIT AGIAN IN THREE MONTHS HE WONT TELL ME IF HE MISSES ME BACAUSE WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO ME HE DOES NOT WANT TO TREAT THE MOTHER OF HIS KIDS LIKE SHIT BUT HE THINKS ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME

THAT MADE ME FEEL BETTER HE SAID WE HAVE BOTH TIRED WE ARE LIKE OIL AND WATER BUT DIDNT WORK OF COURSE THERE IS A CONNECTION BUT IT DOES NOT MATTER COS WE DO NOT WORK IT MADE ME FEEL BETTER

IF HE WANTS TO BE WITH HER I DONT REALLY CARE ITS SUPERFICIAL ANYWYAS IF SHE TECTS HIM ALL THE TIME IT WILL REALLY PISS HIM OFF HE SAID HE RESEPECTS ME MORE NOW WE ARE OVER AND DOES NOT WANT ME TO HURT WISHES HE COULD MAKE IT BETTER FOR ME

Well, at least he seems to be trying to be honest with you, although he is giving you alot of mixed messages like telling you he would not say if he was missing you but then telling you he thinks about you all the time.

this is a mixed message OP and you must be very careful about how you interpret its meaning. it does not mean that he is thinking about coming back.

you need time and space to cry and grieve for him and the future you wanted but can't have now. you do have a future though, and one which you can use to your advantage.

you wanted a career in the music industry. well, great. you have some talent and you don't have to be a superstar to achieve this. i know many musicians who don't have a record deal, and some that do actually, and they all tell the same story - it's not all it's cracked up to be but they love what they do and it's worth it just for that.

you were independent and a working woman before you met H. you can do it again even while your heart is broken. you may need to at some stage so you can support yourself and your DC's and to regain some confidence and self esteem.

hope you're feeling a little better today. x

You are missing an idealised version of him that you have constructed in your mind. You need to remind yourself of the abuse that happened in your relationship. He hit you, more than once. Do you really want to be with someone who abuses you? Have some self-respect.
I know I am being very harsh, but you do need a reality check.
You need to focus more on yourself and building your self-esteem up, and focus on your children, not on wishful thinking.

He told me today I a nice way that I just don't make him happy he thinks about me all the time only cis he is worried about me and wants me to be ok I have always loved him more I irrite him so much and does not want to treat the mother of his kids like shit just for being the way I am wants to make it better for me has thought of coming back but what's the point when we don't work . At least u know this I have always known it is me that makes him miserable why did I keep hanging on why do u still love him so much he said I loved him to much and knee he could do anything to me and I would still never leave true enough said hey

My friend has said that she thinks I am having a nervous breakdown I think maybe I am nit really sure my version of reality is scued and am not getting better or moving on at all. I have come away for a weekend went out but it was really hard could not cope with all of the people around me felt like my world was closing in. Is it only when I move on from this reality of how much I have been bullied will hit me. I have not taken most of the way he has treated me badly in even now he tells me I was high mantainace and a nightmare to live with but none of the way I am treated is admited by him

Krissy -
he has really ground you down and done a number on you.
Nothing he says that is "nice" or "gentle" matters one little bit.
Because his actions have been unspeakably shitty.
Even if he hadn't hit you, no-one would be encouraging you to stay.
He is an immature, disrespectful, abusive excuse for a partner.

I hope you find the strength to get away from him and find a way back to the person you were before you met him - you will become stronger for having been through this too.

Take some time to think about what makes a good relationship - mutual trust, respect, admiration and support for a start. You have none of these things and would be better off on your own.

You will find it scary at first. Terrifying even, but once you get past that fear and start getting brave, you will love being on our own and more importantly you will never allow yourself to be treated like that again.

Start small. Get some RL support, whether its a friend, or Womens Aid, you need someone to validate how you are feeling while you get strong enough to seperate emotionally from him.

yeah i guess i am looking for him to validate my feelings and emotions even now.....i was the hard one to live with well i didnt used to hit him but he wont validte it just sayss is cos i rritate him so much to the point where he ends up shouting at me and being vile. Has never treated anyone like this i am not a normal person apparently.....

Then to say that i loved him to much he knows he can do ANYTHING to me and i would put up with it sad but true perhaps if i had left him after one of the hideous arguments he would have some respect for me but has none.

I have done some research into abusinve relationships but all of the cases are when the man is violent and keeps the woman this is not the case with me he would be abusive and i would tr y and make him happy more and more or tell me that he wish he never met me hates his life etc so i would keep trying to make him happy.... so the problem is me in all this for putting up with it . I feel like an empty person right now

Also i have blocked out all of the bad stuff for some odd reason i do not seem to see how shit things were i just see the good bits thats not normal im sure

Krissy, I can pretty much garantee that nothing will be making much sense for you, so dont even try.
You feel empty because you have almost zero self-esteem.
You want what you are familiar with, even if it hurts. That's understandable, but at some point you have to kick against what he is putting you through for the simple reason that you, and your children deserve better. MUCH better.

This is only the start. Its always the worst, because you know that something is bad and you feel powerless to change it.
It feels like he has all the power. Actually he doesn't, all he has is a chronic case of selfishness. He has no chance of ever being happy or fulfilled. But you do, if you can get away from him.

Like I say, start small. Do you want to feel like this for the rest of your life? I think not.

No i really don't....i guess i am just upset that he has lods of self esteem and is just getting on with life and i am totaly crushed i must be crackers to want it not to have got out earlier but i couldnt and would never leave cos hes the only things that gave me a false sense of self esteem

I have a mate who's in rehab and AA at the moment, slowly drying out, slowly trying to end her 14 year love affair with booze and being drunk.

She talks about alcohol the way you talk about your ex.

Would it be helpful for you to think about him in this way? As a harmful substance that you think you need, but don't really need? As something you've been addicted to, which will one day kill you, and which you must learn to live without?

Possibly as something i need which isnt doing me anygood even though he says he the only person who will put up with me something i have been made to believe. I also have an issue with alcohol when the relationship was worsening i would drink i got that sorted but since he has left have been drinking more.

I was thinkiong today about the phycology behind all this how many times he has put me down or hit me and why i would be prepared to put up with this. Like he said he sees me as below him and someone whom he can do anything to ......AND I STAYED knowing this cos even when it was really shit i would still rather be with him than without him

Clearly i have lost all my self respect and dignety i just dont know how things have got to this point

I would like to things of things that way blackcurrant and as long as i keep looking to him to validate how i feel that wont happen even though he acknowleges he has treated me like shit he still feels he has done his upmost to save the relationship ......... he controls my feelings like a remote control i realise that

OP have you tried the Freedom Project in your area? Apologies if this has been suggested before, not up to date with your thread for a few days.

It's a weekly group for women in your situation and it gets very good feedback. You would meet new people who know what it's like to have all your confidence and self-esteem battered out of you (whether by physical, emotional or psychological abuse, and you show all the signs of this btw so you are one of these women IMHO).

YOu'd make new friends who support each other and get the chance to talk confidentially with the facilitators. Your local branch of Women's Aid will know how to put you in touch. Please try it.

Also try Surestart, they will probably be able to help with practical, financial and other issues that you'll face as you begin to move away from this man. This is another place you could find parents who will be able to support you too.

And please stop blaming yourself.

Thanks for ur suggestions wised up woman. I have decided to come and stay with my parents for a while and let him stay at the flat. Cos I am not coping very well with the twins at the moment just need a bit of space to sort my headout and being at our home makes me even more depressed just keep wondering about like a zombie still nothing makes sense

Good idea OP, let your parents make a fuss of you for a bit. Take care.

Hi
Not read all the responses. Sorry you are going through this, Krissy.

Just wanted to say that I had a very similar relationship. My self-esteem was shot to bits and my ex treated me in a very similar way to the way yours treated you.

I didn't know what to think because I was so confused all the time. One minute he loved me, the next was storming out telling me that we weren't working because I'd ask him if he wanted a cup of tea or something. I'd ask him to come back and he would and the cycle would start all over again.

I kicked him out 2 years ago and it was one of the best things I ever did. Yes, it was painful but that was because, as someone has said above, you have an ideal version of what he is like. But he's not like that - he's rude, abusive and violent.

What would you tell your daughter or a friend to do if they came to you with this situation? You'd say stay away, right? That's what I kept telling myself when I was tempted to call my ex.

Another thing I did was to delete my ex off facebook, and block him so that I didn't see what he was up to. I know that you have children with your ex, so you can't cut contact altogether but please don't look at his facebook page. Since when did anyone post anything bad on facebook? Everyone always makes out that their life is great and that's what he'll be doing. I felt 100 times better when I had no way of knowing what my ex was doing.

I'd see a photo of him and then start filling in the blanks - that he's having a great time somewhere without me when he probably wasn't because he was a miserable, troubled person.

Everytime you are tempted to call or check his FB page remember that you will probably feel worse if you do. It worked for me. And think what you would tell a friend to do.

Your self esteem will come back and one day you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. I promise!

JIA