Please Help-- Advice needed re Emotional Affair is he seeing her i am sooo confused !!!!

[krissydw1]

Sorry for all if this message is long I just dont know what to think or believe anymore and need some perspective on the situation

My ex partner and father of my twins left me a week a go saying he didnt love me anymore etc . We have had problems and have broken up four previous times he always did the leaving saying he was unhappy with his life didnt want to be with me because i irritate him drink wine in the evenings etc he has hit me several times and i begged him back. All the other times he has returned saying he still loves me but later in a row says he wishes he was not with me then the next day he loves me so have been thinking he is happy but he isnt.

Anyways recently we set up a business started talking about a futire doing it together etc i asked him if he loved me and wanted to be with me he said he did. This same night he came home drunk and we had a massive row. I logged in to his fb and found out he was saying to a woman he works with he does not want to be with me he hates me and wants to leave but cant leave his kids and dreams about being with her. The next day i asked him of he loved me and to cut a long story short said yes. I did not mention that i know

Afew days later i was away and we spoke on the phone and textes he told me he loves me etc. Later that evening i loged on again to his fb bot expecting to find anything as i assumed the later contact was just venting after our row. What i found made me sick to my stomach messages to this woman saying he had to delete her coments cos i was asking questions about her that he hates me thinks about her everyday can even smell her. She responded with similar things gonna go to bed and dream about you etc and i dont want you to arguee with HER so will only text you on the mobile.

Two days later i went home and asked him if there was anything going on with her as have been asking for about a month before even finding anything because i had a feeling he said he loves me nothing going on etc. I could not let it go cos i know what i had read but did not want him to know that i had been snooping. Anyways he kept denying anything was going on. THE next day he was going on a works do with her and i kept asking him not to go because i thought something was going on he left me that day saying we just dont work etc maybe we dont but it seems that he was still prepared to work at it before he said we have just come to the end of the road etc. During the last three days leading up to this his phone had been stuck to him which it usualy isnt.

a WEEK LATER HE CAME OVER AND I GOT HIS PHONE LOADS OF TEXTS BETWEEN THEM HE SAID I LOVE YOU TO BABE WISH YOU WERE HERE SO I COULD TOUCH YOU THE OTHERS I DID NOT TAKE IT WAS IN SHOCK.

So i then went and confronted him i said why didnt you tell me there was something going on between you and her he went silent had a go at me for looking at his phone and said we are not together anymore so its nothing to do with you i asked to know what is going on and he said its not what i think he just felt sorry for her and after they went out for a drink he realises she is to needy for him that they are not together he does not want nothing to do with a married woman but at the same time says he left when he did cos he didnt want to lie but was gonna leave anyways. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear. I keep asking if he is with her and he keeps saying no but its nothing to do with me!!!!!!!! well maybe its not now but it kinda is cos they were carying on when we were together!!!!!

I just dont know what to think sorry for the long message

I've 'stop - started' so many times in writing what I want to put to you, I could shake you, I could hug you, but listen...you really need to read over this fantastic advice everyone is giving you, a few of us have been there. I felt exactly the same as you do now, all the words you describe about yourself sound very familiar to me, he is a very abusive, manipulative bastard who really needs a good kicking! I hate 'men' like this! Calling you all the names under the sun, making you feel like the bad guy and why?? because he's trying to make himself feel better because he is guilty, its a nasty psychological game bullies play! He is so treating you and the DC like shit its unbelievable!! You can be that wonderful single mother, infact you will surprise yourself, its amazing how certain instincts kick in when you have to cope alone, but your not on your own, you do have family around you. The top and bottom of it is though, he is a wanker, and the longer you go on letting him do this to you, the harder its going to get. Oh and when if he lays another finger on you...you fone the bloody police!!!! he has no right to put a hand on you!! he doesn't live there, he has no right coming into your home and doing this to you...and not infront of your children either...so if you havent got the guts to kick his balls so far up inside him he's chewing on them...ring the police. xxxx

Who do you care more about?
Him?
Or your children?
If its the latter then you have to end this now.
He will not change.
Honestly. He won't.

Thankyou I know u r all right. It's as if I have no control left even when I have the audacity to be pissed off he's like lve done nothing wrong always has been like that it's all my fault everything that has gone wrong. Yesterday he said I am sick of the arguments that go from 0-60 in 2 seconds. I might get pissed off and storm out of the room but he always goes mental and makes the arguments far worse but he can't see it.

I have held on to it becaue I have always been pretty alone and I suppse I don't feel alone when am with him like he my other half so have just stayed in it cos now i feel like half a person as time has gone on and the more I have held on become more obsessed with him trying to make him happy to the point where my life has become nothing with out him

he said u not the girl I met and I need to get a life I stifle him etc it's just evolved that way over time a gradual decline

it like I am not exitig now I am a biting stay at home mum he always says why don't u say something funny ur to heavy . Well I can't fucking help it if I am not as bloody exiting and fun as when he met me that's life.

I just wish i felt proper bonded with my kids I am so negative and tired I just don't enjoy them a d even always put him before them still am I never used to be this selfish

Also he is the one now starting business with loads of strengh and happieness left while I am a miserable cow with no life how the fuck does that happen

that's happened because he is taking control of his life.

what better "revenge" than to do the same?

If you'd only stop having these pointless discussions with him OP he wouldn't keep firing bullets at you.

You are half the person you could be when you are with him - not when you're without him. Realise that.

You can't bond with your kids all the time your energy is directed solely at keeping him. Your kids are being abused too, by virtue of being defenceless children in a situation that you continue to stay in. You are not defenceless like they are.

And newname is right. Get yourself a therapist through your GP and start working on yourself and why you stay in an abusive relationship.

BTW I hate this fucker too. Big time.

Yeah he has he has plenty of strenghth left to do that inhave put all of my strenghth into this relationship

And not on my kids what kind of mother am I that is willing to stay in a relationship where we argued all the time in front of the kids ?

You can't bond with your kids all the time your energy is directed solely at keeping him. Your kids are being abused too, by virtue of being defenceless children in a situation that you continue to stay in couldnt have put it better myself.

And not on my kids what kind of mother am I that is willing to stay in a relationship where we argued all the time in front of the kids ? he is your EX right? dont take him back for gods sake, I dont want to sound rude but previously you made yourself out to be a bad mother...so, why don't you start making it up to them now, get rid of that piece of trash..the kids can still see him, but start a fresh on your own. Invest all that energy you have into bringing up the children and not on him, i doubt he'll like that much either though because you're not paying him any attention...he sounds like a right spoilt bastard!

he's hit you

he's lied to you

he's cheated on you

How dare he treat you like that? HOW DARE HE? How DARE he? How dare he?

You deserve better than this piece of shit. You deserve to be happy and you're NOT happy now. Christ on a fucking bike, woman! You're something special, and you deserve to be happy. You will never be happy with him.

Keep saying it until you feel it: how DARE he treat you like that? How dare he lie to you? How dare he cheat on you? How DARE he hit you? He doesn't deserve to be with you.

No although he says he want me to move on be happyetc I bet when I do move and have a nic house all he will do is say he has nothing and make me feel guilty and say stuff like u couldn't keep a nice house for me etc. I suppose it's easier to move on when u have a married woman telling u how wonderful u r. He obviously thinks I was born yesterday

oddly enough before he left I was quite together did everything with and for the kids studied at college started a small business looed after the house cooked etc and did not burden him so he could work but that still wasn't enough as well as that he wanted a comedienne and someone to romance him he has told me when I found out about her that he needed me to wine and dine him to win back his love. Not once does he seem to give a fuck if I am ok o how I am getting on with the kids. I hope the married slapper makes him happy cos I certainly can't

My babies were 3 months prem so that messed up the bonding process as well as that have had him to deal with though he says I am the pie e of work I am like a kid all of the things he is...... Ni wonder I am so drained

the "man" is a tosser.
tell him to sod off and get on with rebuilding your life.
seriously.
i dont know what else anyone can say.
you will never "satisfy" him, he sounds like a selfish egotistic twat.
move on.

There is nothing more that anyone can say really i know you are all right but cant take it in i cant accept that he is with another woman even though i have read him telling her i love her twice so far. I just feel like i have no strength or sense and am hoping other can make sense of it and sort it out i guess nothing seems to make sense or be real to me anymore

I just need to get this out all of the message he and her have sent that i know of i need to get it out of my mind and into the real world some how cos his head twisting bollocks is even making me question my own mind and what i have read for myself

1st Messges on FB

Him - I have jsut had another argument with her i hate my home life i wish i could be with you and have a chilled out happy life

I hate my home life

Her maybe you should just sleep on it and see how you feel in the morning things might be better then

Him Shes driving me crazy i want to leave her but cant leave my kids i just want to Fuck off

Dont leave you make me laugh HER

i JUST WANT TO LEAVE I HATE MY RELATIONSHIP

HER WELL YOU COULD COME OUT TO THE BEACH WITH ME THINK OF ALL OF THOSE LOVELY GIRLS TO LOOK AFTER YOU

HIM --- I DONT WANT ANYONE ELSE TO LOOK AFTER ME YOU ARE ALL I WANT IT IS MY DREAM TO BE WITH YOU

NIGHT NIGHT THINKING OF YOU XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

31ST mARCH

Next day we discused future toghether and he said he wanted to make a go of things with me

All the while he is so pissed off that i am logging into his phone fb and violating his privacy

Next lot after i logged into fb another time 4th april after he told me he loves me looking forward to doing the business together etc

you too babe. XX
BTW
I have a bit of a problem. she is starting to ask some questions about you. cos of some comments on facebook. I really hope you dont mind honny but i might have to delete some of your comments just to shut her up.
I hope yor not affended, good lookin XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
hey xxx

cause not im so sorry i will only text on your mobile sorry xxxx
i have a problem with my phone too at the moment. dont know whats up. should be sorted tomorrow
hows your nite sweet heart x

ok well i wont put any comments to make her question you ok xx

ARRGG In hate her. Im sorry. :) xxx
what are you up too?

dont worry hon we still keep in touch its my fault i should keep it 2 minimum dont want you to argue with her hope all is well xxxx

yeah all is ok. not your fault at all. I REALLY would like to see you soon. I think about you all the time. From when I wake UP. I can even smell you. Is this healthy?

im the same about you hey life is to short you only live once we see what it brings all good things should be taken into action xxxx

I love that. " all god things shoild be taken into action" thats pritty much they wat I have always lived my life. Cant wait to see you again.
sorry anout speling LOL

its ok gona go to sleep and hopfully dream about u xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well I have dreamed aboubnt you for about 6 months now. so nothing fresh for me.
Nite nite Good looking XXX
buona notte xxxx
muchas grassiass
Lol xxx

This apparently meant nothing he was trying to put her off i asked if he was seeing he if anyhing was going on he said no and he would not tell me if it was meaningless anyway

he then left next thing i saw were message on the phone saying stuff like i love you to babe i wish you were here so i could touch your arse messges before went on about husband being there

Net lot i sa said i miss my man thanks for your romantic night he said back morning beautiful sorry i missed your lovely tects i love you to babe

According to him she was coming on to him and he just like the attention it is just a romantic fantasy and he does not love her thats what i am being told anyways

a bottle of wine at the end of the day seems to be my only solace right now is

If you are doubting your judgment, please don't.

He is bullying you, trying to make you feel that he has been driven to have a relationship with someone else because you aren't good enough.

This is utter bollocks. I think you know that really, but in some ways it can feel easier to try and please the bully.

You will never "win" with someone like this, because just as you "fix" whatever is supposedly wrong with you, they will change the rules.

I know it's easier said than done, but stop trying to work out what you have done wrong, because you haven't done anything wrong.

I think if you stop wasting your emotional energy on this man, you may find you have much more energy for your DC, and that you will both give and receive unconditional love. Invest the energy in your children, you will get so much more than you are getting now. Don't worry about what you haven't done, concentrate on what you can do for your future with the twins.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you all.

Krissy- whatever romanticised idea you have in your head for your life partner and the father of your children, this man is not, and will not ever be, the loving partner and caring dad you want him to be.

He hit you. He still hits you. This is not your fault- he has no right to hit you no matter how much he is irritated by you.

One day your children will irritate him. They'll cry too much, or be ill, or just do what babies and toddlers do. He could be violent towards the children. You have to protect them.

He lied. He is still lying. He is telling you nothing is going on because this woman is married.

He is getting his story out to your parents, probably trying to safeguard his position and cut off a line of support for you. You have to be honest with your parents about the violence and his affair.

Please take the opportunity he is offering you by leaving and let him stay bloody well left. You will cope much much better with life once you've cleared him out of it.

The only favour this man has ever done you is to leave you for someone else. You can be rid of him. He's horrible.
What will your parents say when you tell them he has been beating you up and lying to you?
I can't help wondering if your parents were the ones who taught you the bullshit that you have to submit to and placate a man, and that it's OK for him to hurt and mistreat you because you are 'only a woman'. If their reaction to you telling them the truth about his behaviour is anything other than sacking the fucker on the spot - please be aware that they CAN legally sack him for hitting you as assault is a criminal offence and commiting a crime even when not in the workplace is regarded as a valid reason for dismissing an employeee - then be aware that your parents are wrong in their thinking. You need outside help and support to unpick the damaging mythology that you 'love' this revolting man. He's a waste of oxygen and you can buld a better life for yourself and DC with him kept at a distance.

OP. Careful with the risk of drinking too much to blot everything out.

You need a clear head to deal with your situation and your kids.

Alcohol is ok but it acts as a depressant and you don't need that on top of everything else. If you can't cope with your feelings get to your doctor and ask for something to help you like anti-depressants and therapy.

I'm not sure what you're looking for right now from these posts. I don't think you'll find anyone here who is prepared to try and help you find a way to stay and make it better in this toxic relationship. I don't think you'll hear from anyone that your kids are not going to be affected by the abuse you are receiving. I don't think you'll find anyone who will agree with you that you are a sad and pathetic woman who doesn't deserve the love of a man who will treat you right.

Is there someone you can go to for a few days who will give you some time and space away from all the confusion? If so, ask them and do it.

BTW I am also curious about your parents stance on this. Only you know whether you can trust them to wholly support you.

Morning all I don't really know what I am looking for here just advice and support makes me feel like I am not going mad. I am so depressed on top of it all. When he first left I was ok being pretty strong he kept ringing me saying it was nice to hear my voice and to seer how I am etc. After I read the texts that's when I went down hill really before that was being strong

I would probably be a whole lot better now if I had not read them I love u etc that bit of it has really done me in for some obscure reason the texts etc seem to be stopping me moving on even though the dishonesty should really be souring me on

Well done for noticing what made you begin to unravel. It was his reaction to your coping because as we have all been saying YOU CAN COPE WITH THIS OP .

Then, when he had hooked you back in a bit you quite understandably felt like you were back in the relationship again, and began to look for evidence that he meant what he said (i.e. that he wasn't actually having an affair).

So now you know, you can recognise all the ways in which he has been able to get you interested again. It's a start in the right direction. You've shown your strength before and you can do it as many times as it takes for him to get the message that you can survive very nicely without him.

And get to your GP!

Hiya guys the situation with my parents is not that he is working forthem he is there helping them really so I would hurt them if i said anything plus o can't cope with anymore drama more can they at the minute really I don't want to burden them and the other woman thing may be inocent may not but don't realy want there business to suffer

I saw him today he asked how i was I said feeling down he's like I can't cope with anymore everyone around me is down and giving me stress same blame stuff and I just thought I don't realy want to be in a relationship with u anymore cos it's not one it's all about u and that's it

next time he asks how you are, but on the biggest bravest face and tell him your fine, then if you want come on here to us and get it all out of your system. Its not helping you telling him how low you feel, he doesn't care anyway, its all about him! like he said "I can't cope with anymore everyone around me is down and giving me stress same blame stuff and I just thought I don't really want to be in a relationship with u anymore cos it's not one it's all about u" awwwww poor him!!!! NOT!

Umm, he left you coping with young twins, told you he didn't love you, then he's all huffy because you're feeling down? This guy is on a different planet. Seriously.

Yeah basicly if i give him the slightest hint that i am not hunky dorry he gets pissed off at me pissed off for beinng heavy all the time he keeps saying why cant you just be light hearted and crack a joke.....um cos i am so down i can hardly breath.........it a very weird situation like i am expected to what exactly be the life and soul of the fucking party but if i was he would probaly not like that either. When we were working toghether the other day i was talking about what went wrong her etc trying to find the truth and he was nice but please stop going is cant you smile and have a laugh i wish i could but am so paraniod about her now. I keep wishing i never read those texts or messages cos would be none the wiser and this wouldnt have gone. I know thats stupid cos in time maybe i will be glad does not feel like it now though..........

He never asks me how i am doing with te kids if i moan about them he just says he can have them then i never really wanted kids so he says he will have them if i want to be free!!!!

Right now that would be nice but only cos i dont have the bond or enjoy them i only wanted kids when i met him never before i never planned for my life to turn out like this at all was always driven for my career etc. I probably sound like i right bitch but just dont appreciate my beautiful twins as much as i should i guess i take them forgranted

Has anyone else gone from an independent woman to a needy co- odependant wreck ????? to be honest though i dont think it would be possible not to become co-odependant as i was always on tender hooks as to what the next issue would be

I know all of the great advice on here is right and wise and correct but its like i wont allow myself to believe it maybe cos it will mess up my romantiseised idea. Its almost i need him to verify my emotion before i let myself have them

I feel like i watching the world through a window