Hi Krissy
First of all, him and this woman are not in love. I would money on it. He might think he is but how long until he starts shouting and screaming at her?
Secondly, nothing you did was "wrong". With these men, they control us by making sure that our self esteem is at rock bottom. Then they keep us dangling by constantly leaving us or chatting to other women. What you describe is exactly what happened to me.
I would ask a question like "what would you like for tea?" and mine would start shouting and screaming and punching walls. I got used to it. The first time it happens, it's really shocking. The second time, shocking again. The third time you think "here we go again" and you start getting used to it.
It's not normal! Normal men don't treat women like that.
I heard my ex on the phone to his mum once. She asked him something like "what do you want for tea?" and he started ranting down the phone at her. So they don't treat us like this - they'll treat lots of people in the same way. I have a friend who works with my ex and she said he's not well liked at all. He's rude and arrogant and shouts at people.
The thing is, they tell us that it's just us who make them feel bad; that they get angry because we make them angry etc etc. But it's rubbish. It's their way of making us think that it's all our fault.
I ended up in counselling after I split with mine and my counsellor really helped me to see how low my self esteem was. So when mine started texting someone else and occasionally "by mistake" sent me the texts meant for this girl he worked with, I of course got jealous and upset. I would question him about her and then he would get angry. And would promise not to do it again and then would do it again and I would upset and question and on and on and on it goes.
I don't know if anyone has recommended Patricia Evans book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" to you but I would strongly recommend that you read it. I was quite shocked when I read it because my whole relationship was in there.
The fact that he hit you as well is really bad. Just imagine what you would say to a friend who came to you and described to you what you've posted above. You'd be horrified. But these guys make us normalise their behaviour, and they make us feel like it's our fault, that we drive them to it. It's not true at all. No one makes another person hit them or shout at them. But they manage to grind our self esteem down so low that we believe all the rubbish that they tell us.
I consider it being like in a cult. We are brainwashed whilst we are with them. It was hard getting away from mine because I had tried so hard with him, unbelievably hard. I'd supported him through the first stages of him getting psychiatric help. The irony is that I was the one who ended up getting counselling!
But.....kicking my ex out was the best thing that I ever did. I felt pretty elated at first because I'd done something quite powerful for a change. Then I felt low again. But nearly 2 years on, I only wish that I'd got out sooner and I know that kicking him out was the best present I could have ever have given myself. I felt 100% saner now than I do when I was with him.
When I read your OP I remembered what it was like to be in your position and I thanked the universe that I managed to get out. It takes a strong woman to put up with all this sh*t and to get out so you must be one strong and courageous woman, even though I know you won't necessarily feel like it now.
I have a friend who works with victims of domestic abuse and she says that these women all say they are weak but in fact they are strong to have survived an abusive and controlling relationship often for many years.
Sorry for the long message. I've been where you are now and it upsets me to see someone else in the same situation so I hope that something I have said helps, even if it's in a small way.
Sending you lots of good vibes!