Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

does she want to remain married to you?
do you have children?
has she recently had a baby?
need more info really to offer advice

dropdeadfred is right - doesn't sound like she wants to be married to you, have you asked her if she does? (i only ask because my 1st husband could have written your post... at a time when i had been telling him for 12 months that i wanted a divorce, he just refused to listen and kept doing the gifts/spa breaks thing too, and even when we finally finally broke up, he still insisted it came as a complete shock to him)

I would say she does want to stay married, though in any conversation when I have told her I need more love from her she tells me she doesn't want to live in a marriage where this is a pressure. Essentially she doesn't see the problem - just wants me to leave her alone and leave things be.

Yes we have 2 kids, 3 and 5.

'I need more love from her' - do you mean sex?

the trouble is that all your 'niceness' although probably meant to show caring, love, affection etc to her is just 'i bought you this therefore you owe me sex' it's all a pressure..
i think perhaps you need to think back to when things started to go wrong..alot of women do lose their libido through the 'groundhog' dayness of looking after toddlers, housework etc...does she get enough sleep for example?
perhaps suggesting counselling would be the next option..although it does sound like she is happy to let things drift at the moment

well then, she doesn't want to be married to YOU, does she? if you need more than that? and if she doesn't find it a problem that you're unhappy, then it doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

Are you doing all the attentive things because you love your wife or because you are hoping for sex? Nothing wrong with that but your wife needs to feel loved all the time not just at bed time.

And how often does she get time off?

Do you really appreciate how her life is at the moment? When you have little kids touching you, wanting you, needing you, shouting for you, grabbing you, sometimes the last thing you need or want is your husband also doing it. However nice he is about it.

How long have you 'backed off' for? If she feels pressure for sex and you back off for a week or so it probably isn't long enough to convince her that everytime you touch her it isn't going to end up with pressure to have sex. She may be tired and helping more round the house and with the dcs may help over time, or shemay just not want sex as often and not much will change that. There are other ways to express love than have sex though, or do you feel that sex is all that works for you?

the trouble is when someone backs off it can feel like (to the other person)they've flipped the eggtimer and are now staring at the sand trickling through and feeling frustrated as time goes by...like crossing off each day with no sex on the calendar with a big black cross

do you have fun together? do you spend time alone at the cinema? theatre? restaurant or pub? does she have time alone and time out with her friends? do you really think that she would be perfectly happy if you upped and left? if so then perhaps you should try marriage counselling as a last ditch attempt

Thanks for responses so far. I'll try and answer the questions.
Yes I need more sex both in a quantity sense but also in a quality sense - ie spending time together to grow sexually. But it isn't all about that. For example if I see my wife sat down at the table and I glance her neck I want to kiss it - not in a sexual way, but I just want to show love and touch my wife - it seems natural. She never would touch me in that way.
Sex would be great - but I'd just settle for her showing some genuine love and interest in the person she chose to marry.

But Nigel..has this apsect of her changed at all? or have you just realised she has always been like this?

I'll add to my point above - our family cat receives more affection (cuddles, told he's a handsome boy and that mummy loves him...etc) way more than I get. It actually hurts me everytime she lets lose a stream of love on the cat.
This isn't meant to add humour to the seriousness of my plight - but its true.

How does she interact with you on a day to day basis? Is she civil, interested in what you have to say, happy to discuss her day with you? Can't really tell from the info so far if she is fully engaged in your relationship. From your OP it does sound a bit like you are setting the scene to justify an affair though, sorry if that isn't the case.

I can see this from both sides.
I went off sex a while back for a year or so basically because I didn't feel very desirable and couldn't believe my DH couldpossibly find me attractive and that sex with me for him was just physical relief, feelings didn't come into it. I felt pressured although actually DH didn,t go on about it but just kept trying to cuddle/grope me at odd moments.
(I didn't feel desirable because I had put on weght)! Do you think not feeling desirable could be your wife's problem?

She knows you want a more physical relationship and that knowledge is the pressure I feel.

Good point DDF. If I'm honest I think she has always been a bit emotionally cold. Maybe it's me that has changed - and for some reason have woken up to the fact that something is missing. But that thing (love and intimacy) are actually the bedrock of a marriage. This in turn questions our whole relationship...

Old Woman in a shoe. My wife does have some body issues but she is a lovely size 8 and I tell her constantly that I think she looks fab - I love her to bits.
Personally I think the body image thing is just another excuse people use to avoid sex. Up there with headache, too tired, too stressed, too drunk, too sober...

I do really feel for you...but it's very difficult to judge someone's behaviour from outside ofa relationship, let alone over the internet. She doesnt seem to be a completely unaffectionate person as she loves the cat, and presumably your two children
have you ever spoken about having more children or did you always plan two?

Nigel10...but if you think it's an excuse to avoid sex you need to wonder why a healthy woman in a happy marriage would avoid something that is suposed to be so much fun...? you say you THINK she enjoys it...don't you know?

Sorry, missed two of your responses. If she feels pressure to have sex then she will avoid the sort of physical affection with you that you talk about giving her (and that she can give the cat) as she will fear it will be taken as a sign that she is interested in sex when she isn't. She can give affection to the cat and your children without this fear. Maybe you should agree to abstain for an agreed period and just work on the small affectionate touches (with her safe in the knowledge that it doesn't have to go any further)

I know you probably feel hard done by as you have tried quite a few things to address the issue but I can see from her perspective that it isn't nice to turn your partner down when they are obviously keen so she may be trying to put you off beforehand (not sure I said that particularly well)

A useful perspective I try to visualise is to wonder what it would be like if the situation was in reverse. For example if my wife frequently wanted sex and cuddles and love - and I was the one avoiding all this. I can say hand on heart I would not refuse my wife because I enjoy making her happy. Added to that I'd be terrified if I didn't satisfy her she 'may' have an affair.
Oddly my wife seems to have none of these concerns - her attitude seems to be - I have no intention of satisfying your intimate needs but I expect you to remain faithful. Well that proposition is a little unfair.

ok another point of view, I feel that your post could have been written by my husband. I love him but I struggle to show that. I don't have much time for sex and affection with a busy work life and also young children but I think my main problem is that I feel awkward when it comes to being affectionate whereas I didn't in the beginning. It's like I'm scared to initiate anything and whenever he does anything nice I don't really know how to react anymore. It's easier to just carry on with things how they are than have to reinvent or recapture yourself. I don't think this makes much sense but then it doesn't make much sense to me really. I need to try harder and so does your wife, instead of trying to get her to show you how much she loves you maybe start by trying to make her smile because once you have made her smile, even by a silly text or a rubbish joke, this will ignite the feelings of affection she has for you. Good luck!

I have a friend who was in this situation...he was soo frustrated because his wife would never tell him why she didn't want it
he eventually had an affair that his wife found out about and she threw him out but not before having sex with him herself for the first time in years...strange

I also find it a bit odd that you don't know whether she enjoys sex or not - it seems to me that there are serious communication issues going in your relationship. In a friendly stable relationship you should be able to ask outright whether the other person wants/enjoys sex and get an honest answer. Have you tried this?