Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

[Nigel10]

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

HerBEggs - I'm puzzled about all these associations and questions about sex and housework. There are many women ( including myself) who have less libido but do hardly any housework for one reason or another. ( My DH is a SAHD )

Nigel- I would reiterate the advice to have some counselling as communication is the only way this can be resolved. "Leaving her be" is only going to add to your resentment in the long run. It is not the answer IMO. Good luck x

Pigstrotters: Because the man who does a lot less than his fair share of domestic work is treating his wife like a servant. And if he is also making it obvious that he wants sex regularly, that starts feeling like a service she's expected to provide as well.
Yes, there are many reasons why a person can lose his/her libido, some of which have a medical basis (health issues, some medications etc) but a partner who makes it clear that you exist, in his opinion, for his benefit, is one of the big ones.

Nigel . if your still reading this i think you should take carefull note . Youve said repeatedly why would she not want to improve things or have sex or touch you ect. Exactly . Why wouldnt she want that ? We all want a happy home life .

My guess is that at one time she did want that and told you clearly when you were pissing her off or annoying her in whatever way . You probably ignored it or didnt take it seriously . Over the years shes probably got more and more fed up with not being heard and has now just literally given up . Its probabaly just not worth the effort for her and its possible shes resighned herself to being in a marriage where shes not heard. If your not heard whats the point in talking ?

I once read something about the various stages that people pass through when they reach the end of the line . Many people assume the end occurs when theres constant rowing and screaming . It doesnt . It often ends when one person gives up , either on the marriage itself or on one aspect of it ( like communicating ) and everything ese follows .

The spouse who has spent years trying to communicate but not being heard eventually gives up and accepts that its not going to happen and just decides to keep quiet . They become more and more angry and resentfull but dont express it . The spouse who previously has not listened is now desperate for some communication and begs for it , promising theyll listen and improve things where they can , but its often too late .

It sounds to me like your wife has completeley emotionally detatched from you and has now totally given up on trying to improve things . Like many men before you i dont think you will be able to see this until you are divorced and its too late .

Not real.

gosh...so much here to rflect on and comment on.....

"HerBEggs - I'm puzzled about all these associations and questions about sex and housework. There are many women ( including myself) who have less libido but do hardly any housework for one reason or another."

pigstrotters, there's no need to be puzzled. I'm not saying that the only reason for lack of libido is being dumped with all the hosuework, obviously that's not the the only reason, so I'm not saying your libido is doing it wrong by being low for the wrong reason. I keep going on about it because it is such a very common reason for women to go off sex, because the research about it is so clear and because it hasn't yet been eliminated from the list of possible causes for Nigel's wife's lack of desire for him.

Nigel but had referred to "helping" his wife around the house in his first post, as if the housework were her responsibility even though both of them work outside the home - that concept of "helping" as opposed to doing what it is your responsibility to do anyway, is a real giveaway in terms of the psychology of how a couple approaches housework. And although he has been asked several times if the balance of housework and leisure in the house is fair, he has conspicuously refused to acknowledge the question and the issues around it.

Lots of men are astonished and shocked and incredulous, to find out that their laziness and entitled attitude to housework has had such a massive impact on their wife's feelings and attitudes to them and when presented with the argument that this is not a trivial thing, it is seen by many women as being a real insult and daily demonstration of lack of respect and even love, they are, after the initial shock and resentment of having the error of their ways pointed out to them, genuinely sorry and remorseful about having treated their wives so badly; Nigel on the other hand hasn't even acknowledged that this might be an issue. Even after having referred to helping his wife. That screams at me frankly.

Well doesn't the balance of housework rather depend on the balance of work outside the home. If one partner is working 20 hrs outside the home and the other is working 50 hours, then clearly the latter would be "helping out" with housework rather than taking on the lion share.

I suppose I am coming from a male view point as I work approx 50 hrs a week and my DH is a SAHD looking after 3 kids under the age of 5. I acknowledge that we are both extremely busy and the minute I get home, the kids are my responsibility. However, housework such as cleaning hardly ever gets done because everything else takes over. My repeated requests to employ a cleaner have been rejected as he feels because he is at home full time he should do it ( even though it doesnt get done and I know it's an impossible task with such a young family to care for)

I think a lot of going off sex is just downright exhaustion through working so hard with a young family as well as, in my case, breastfeeding. I can honestly say that each time I give up breastfeeding ( after over a year with each of my kids) my libido switches on like a light bulb.

Well I hope you are all ashamed of yourselves. Here's a poor fellow baring his soul in hope of some good advice, and a good dozen of you wilfully used the C-word in an open forum, to a man. That's such a low tactic. No wonder he didn't come back on that subject. It's obscene. When will MN users realise that males just don't do that sort of thing? Real men I mean, not cissies of course.

(What do you mean, what's the C-word? I was decently brought up so I won't use it here, but it has to do with - excuse my crudity - bringing in a, er, mediator to the discussion. A referee, if you will. A disinterested third party. A c... c... cou... no I can't, sorry )

LOL yes some people would seriously rather allow their relationships to go down the pan than see a counsellor. And some wait until their relatinoship has gone down the pan, before suggesting it - by which time the love has gone and it's too late. Adn that is really really sad - if onely there weren't so much resistance to seeking outside help.

Pigstrotters point taken about how much housework each party does, also depends on the balance of hours each party is working outside the home. That's why SGB's formula is so good - count how many leisure hours each party has to arrive at the fair division of labour. And leisure doesn't mean taking the kids to the park if you are a SAHM, because you are still doing childcare, you don't have time to yourslef, you can't suddenly decide to go for a run or a swim, or read your book and completely ignore them. If one party has significantly more leisure time than the other, then the housework/ childcare is not being divided fairly. Last stat I read was that where couples have children, on average men have 15 hours per week more leisure time, than women, but that was at least a decade ago so that may well have changed since them.

Very often it is to do with relationship imbalance whether housework, leisure, money, power.... so the suffering party understandably is not motivated to have pleasure with the offending partner.... ..but sometimes (occasionally?) it is really that one party isn't interested that interested in sex.

Yes, agreed TDada and where that is the case, I'm not quite sure what the solution is, it all depends on your priorities.

It's worth exploring all the other potential causes first though, before you both conclude that it is just a simple mis-match of libido.

I'm with malificence

the OP's posts drip with selfish entitlement and little concern for his wife so long as he tells her she looks 'fab' and she gives him more sex which he 'needs', hell he's implying an affair is now acceptable. I have never refused DP sex because he wouldn't dream of making me feel like a pressurised wank sock and because I always want to because he is a gorgeous considerate creature. However, my X was a total wanker who did nothing but pressure me constantly even when he wasn't mentioning sex I knew every nice word or touch was with sex in mind. It's a horrible way to feel, so I stopped shagging him and left 2 months later, never looked back. I'd suggest Nigel's wife does the same, especially as he seems comfortable with her giving in to him through gritted teeth