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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife incapable of loving me - what do I do now?

488 replies

Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 13:59

It started off as a sex thing - I wanted it more, she wanted it less. Then she didn't want it at all. She admits to having no sex drive at all.
I have spent the past 9 month doing everything I can to inspire some desire in my wife - to make her love me and want to be with me.
I love her so much and only want to be with her but she seems unable to show any love, desire, affection or intimacy towards me. Yes we do have sex (and she enjoys it I think) but she'd much rather be doing something else.
I appreciate this is probably a very common situation but as a man I want to share my feelings on this. I am near breaking point and very sad at the love we seem to have lost. I have cried more times in the last 6 months than in my entire life. I can no longer talk to my wife about this as she says it puts pressure on her.
Simply I need more love in my life, I want to be desired, to be touched lovingly but the one I want doesn't want to do this anymore.
I never wanted an affair but now when I hear about people having an affair I don't judge them as I once would have - I partly understand what may have driven them to do it.
For me I see no way to win back my wife - the more she pushes me away the more I want her, the more love I show her the less she wants me. It's a hopeless mess.
Does anyone share what I'm going through? I'd love to hear if there can be a happy ending to this.
Any advice is welcome - except the obvious. Believe me I have done everything to win back her desires (gifts, spa breaks, backing off, house work, fixing up the house, surprise dinners where we got married, date nights...blah blah blah).
This is destroying my relationship with her and she seems oblivious and unconcerned.

OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 19/04/2011 17:09

How often are you having sex?
How much help do you give your wife around the house, on a day-to-day basis, without being asked?

Original poster
Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 17:10

All in all some worthy feedback. And I will take from this the fact that I should no longer expect sex from my wife. I will no longer attempt to initiate sex and I will back right off. I am taking medication to kill my sex drive and I hope once this takes effect sex will no longer be a burden to myself or my wife.
Can't have it all I guess. I'll fight the demons that offer love and sex in the shape of an affair - and I truly hope I am strong. Kills me though to say good bye to a sex life in my 30's.
All the views have been useful and I thank you for your time.

OP posts:
BecauseImWoeufIt · 19/04/2011 17:11

How about answering some of the questions on this thread before you disappear, Nigel? Maybe we can really help you if we know a bit more?

StayFr0sty · 19/04/2011 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oohlaalaa · 19/04/2011 17:13

Nigel, that is a pathetic comment. We're not suggesting a life of no sex.

We suggested you TALK to your wife, and answered our questions on whether she works and does most of the housework (can be a passion killer).

trulymadlydeeply · 19/04/2011 17:15

Dropdeadfred - I also think you've posted a great link that shows the double standard that exists on MN.

Nigel - I feel sorry for you because I think you came on here in all innocence with a genuine question.

I also feel for your wife. When your kids are small, you just feel that sex is one more thing on a long list of things to do before you can have your own head and body space back and it is like a chore at times. When my 3 were small, all I wanted was some time to myself, to think my own thoughts and read a book uninterrupted - my book was more important than my Dh's needs at times because it was something for ME rather than for someone else.

Please read wise Ormirian's post further up - it explains it so well.

I hope that you work things out for both your sakes (and for your DC).

TheCrackFox · 19/04/2011 17:16

I'm sorry Nigel but none of us have this magical answer that can re-ignite the passion in your marriage.

It can be done but it takes time and I suggest councelling for both of you.

Your wife might be depressed or overwhelmed by motherhood or she might not love you anymore.

EasterEggsHaveNoCalories · 19/04/2011 17:16

Nigel, if you want to save your marriage then suggest that you both go to se a councillor.

No one is suggesting you put up with a loveless marriage. Not many are condoning an affair. You may feel a little flamed because you seemed quite keen on the affair option.

Just talk to your wife.

Longtalljosie · 19/04/2011 17:17

Would still like to know if your wife is on Mumsnet. I rather think this thread wasn't aimed at us, but was a big thread-shaped guilt-trip / embarrassment tool. Hope I'm wrong - am I?

Original poster
Nigel10 · 19/04/2011 17:18

Yes she works - so do I.
I do all the morning routine (kids sarnies, dishwasher, kids dressed) and I usually cook in the week evenings. We have a cleaner. DW does any other household stuff (change beds) and does all the cooking on weekends. We share child care at weekends. Please do NOT tell me there is a case that because she is so busy looking after everyone this is the reason - because that is simply not true.

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 19/04/2011 17:18

Nigel, is your last post indicative of the way you converse with your wife about this?

Counselling is an excellent suggestion.

AyeRobot · 19/04/2011 17:19

Sorry, second last post. We xposted.

tokenwoman · 19/04/2011 17:19

nigel i understand where you are coming from, that touch of affection, looks across a room no matter how long youve been together, the interest in what you are saying, i didnt have sex with my exh for years he was a complete turn off, we divorced due to his affair (and i cant blame him for seeking it elsewhere we were both unhappy) he never did half of what you are trying to do maybe if he had, but no it still wouldnt have worked and now Im with a man who I cant get enough of, you may have to face facts that even with children it doesnt always work out and seperation is the only option
dont have an affair, sort out your issues one way or another, then decide if you can live in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life because I doubt if things will change no matter what you do to make her feel special and loved you do deserve more in life love and affection and yes sex on a regular basis if she isnt prepared to meet you even half way then give up no matter how much you love her
not all of us are men bashers, brave of you to come here and ask for help and advice, very brave indeed

ValiumBandwitch · 19/04/2011 17:20

Yeah, if nigel10's post is an indication of how he communicates with his wife then that doesn't bode well... he doesn't hear the awkward questions, doesn't answer them, deliberately misunderstands what's being said to him and appoints himself a stoic martyr!

Longtalljosie · 19/04/2011 17:23

She totally is on Mumsnet. What were you hoping for? That she'd log on here and find an active thread with all her online mates siding with you, adding to the pressure you're putting on her and saying what an unpleasant person she is? Low.

BTW - it's not like you're not getting any - you say you're having sex and she seems to enjoy it - so I'm a bit mystified. Are you just jealous that she's fond of the cat?

TheCrackFox · 19/04/2011 17:25

Can you answer how often are you having sex?

Is it a case of slighly un-matched libidos or you both have completely different needs?

Nesbo · 19/04/2011 17:26

If we took the way people post on here as indicative of the way they speak to their spouses I'm surprised any of us are married!

But back to point, please OP go into great detail on your prowess as a lover so that you can be judged (scratches head, tries to recall the last time a female op was asked to justify her lovemaking skills as a potential reason for her DP losing interest, fails)

Diggs · 19/04/2011 17:26

Look Nigel , youve said youve spent the last 9 months doing various things that might earn you a bit of what you want . ( You should have been doing these things anyway in my veiw ) but what that actually means is that you were placing demands on a woman with a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Thats a bit much.

Your wife probably spends all her time meeting their every need , and on top of that , your whinging about YOUR needs , and it sounds to me that youve been quite blatent about that for quite a while . Your family does not revolve around you. Toddlers are horrendous sometimes and exhausting. What about HER needs ? What about her need for just having some time for herself where no demands are placed on her ?

She is not your mother , she is your childrens mother , and for now , while your children are small and demanding its your role to support her , not bleat on about your needs as you are doing and add extra pressure to what is already a difficult time.

It sounds to me shes told you clearly , stop pressurizing . Her focus is probably ( quite rightly ) on your kids . At 3 and 5 they need constant love , affection , physical affection ect . You are a grown man and do not NEED to be touched constantly or told how loved you are , and expecting this when your wife is dealing with small children is unreasonable and childish.

I have put up with this once and i never would again. Why dont you arrange counselling , or show her this thread ?

oohlaalaa · 19/04/2011 17:32

No, I diasagree with Diggs, I would not show her this thread.

I would be mightily pissed off, if I was Nigel's wife, and read this thread.

FuppyGish · 19/04/2011 17:34

She probably doesn't want to sleep with you because you come across as really creepy, sorry but you do. I can imagine your technique "fancy a bit love? Is it 11pm on a Saturday night after all'. And if you're sleeping with her when she quite clearly isn't up for it she probably feels totally repulsed.

Think of a randy dog trying to hump your leg all the time, just not sexy is it?

Truckstop · 19/04/2011 17:38

I'm glad no one is projecting their own experiences on to this situation.

FuppyGish · 19/04/2011 17:40

Grin very funny

NoWayNoHow · 19/04/2011 17:44

I think you've all been utterly shocking to Nigel - his point is completely valid, if one person in a relationship doesn't want sex or intimacy, it can undermine all the other things in the relationship that DO work.

I've been in this situation before where I had a higher sex drive than my partner, who wasn't particularly demonstrative with affection either.

I felt neglected, undesirable, incapable of being important enough to warrant a kiss or a cuddle or even a shag.

I spoke with my partner over and over and over, and every time I was made to feel like a dirty stop out obsessed with sex just because I wanted that intimacy that sets a friendship apart from a relationship.

I'm with you Nigel, all the "you'd have the same advice if you were a woman" bollocks is just that - bollocks. I've read enough threads on MN to know that half the posters on here would have been screaming "pack your bags and leave the selfish bastard" or "he must be having an affair, you deserve better than this".

I wish I had some advice for you about your actual problem, but as you can see, the fact that it was a previous relaitonship shows that it didn't end well...

Dropdeadfred · 19/04/2011 17:46

I haven't harangued Nigel

Diggs · 19/04/2011 17:51

Nigel sounds a lot like my ex. Hed bleat that he needed affection , needed to be shown love ect ect , he had needs you know. Id listen to this sad talk with a toddler climbing on my nap and another one biting my face after a totally shit day . Any attempts to explain how touching him sexily in passing were not my priority were met with sulks and more whining.

Anything nice he did had a motive behind it , and he,d sulk when he didnt get " rewarded " with sex . He,d insist on touching me when i told him not to , insist on trying to kiss me when i was trying to make tea , suggest early nights in a creepy eary way . He,d sulk and go on about it until i shagged him then hed complain i made no effort .

He was in love with the idea of being in love , never mind normal family life , it was all about him and he was quite happy to insist on fake tokens of love and affection , disgusting really . He was more demanding than all my kids put together . When i kicked him out he invested in shares in pot noddles and got even fatter . He once told me he had signed up for in an internet dating site. Personally i think he should have signed up to an adoption agency to find a new mummy.

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